The Love Square

by Jessica Calla

She pictured him staring at her with those big, teal, puppy-dog eyes, pathetically sincere. “Well, when you put it like that, how can I say no? You’re buying, though. And you may have to carry me home.”

  “Yes!” Alex said. “See you there. I’m hanging up before you change your mind.”

  Jenna sighed and carried her dance bag into Scott’s office. He sat behind his desk with an ice pack on his elbow.

  “Your arm still bothering you?” Jenna asked.

  “Job hazard. Just don’t gain any weight. Was that Alex?”

  “He wants us to meet him out.”

  “No way. I’m done. Are you coming back to my apartment later?”

  “Nah, I’ll make him bring me home.” Jenna picked up a bottle of moisturizer from Scott’s desk, squeezed some into her hand, and rubbed it over her arms.

  “What’s going on with you two?” Scott asked, studying her from behind the desk.

  “What do you mean?” Jenna grabbed her dance bag off the office floor and searched through it, looking for something to wear over her leotard. She took out the shirt she’d worn to work that day and waved it, hoping to air it out and make the wrinkles disappear.

  “Lately, you’ve been staying with me a lot.”

  “Well, with all these late-night rehearsals, it’s easier to stay here.”

  “I’m happy to have you. But are you also avoiding him?”

  Jenna wanted to tell Scott everything was fine, just as she always did when he asked questions about Alex, but he’d be able to tell if she held back.

  “Uh-oh,” he said. “Don’t tell me that you two—?”

  “No! Don’t you think I would have told you?”

  “So what, then? Spill.”

  Jenna crumpled the work shirt back into her dance bag and pulled out a T-shirt. Alex wouldn’t care what she looked like anyway. That’s the problem.

  She sighed and looked Scott in the eye. “Am I unsexy?”

  Scott’s eyes popped. “Are you nuts? You are most certainly not unsexy. Well, right now you are because we rehearsed and you’re sweaty, but normally you are the sexiest game in town.”

  Maybe Scott could shed light on the situation. Penny was no help. She’d simply declared Alex a “pig” and changed the topic. “I don’t understand. Alex sleeps with anyone who gives him the time of day. Why hasn’t he made a move on me?”

  “Do you want him to? I thought you liked being friends,” Scott said.

  Jenna paced the office, considering his words. “I do, but—”

  “Did you ever ask him?”

  “Ask him what?”

  “I don’t know. Out on a date or something,” he said. “Guys are thick in the skull. You must have figured that out by now.”

  “I guess I haven’t asked.” Can it be that simple?

  “Before you do, you should think about what you really want. You’ve told me time and time again he’s not your prince.”

  “He’s not a prince, believe me. But still, I love him,” Jenna said. She loved everything about him, even his annoying, unprincely parts. She loved the way he looked, the way he could always make her smile, his outgoing nature. She loved that he could laugh at himself and how he never shied away from telling her exactly what was on his mind. His flaws only made him more attractive. “I don’t know if he thinks about me that way.”

  “Only one way to find out. But,” Scott said, drawing out the word, “can you handle it if he says no? You know what they say about the best way to ruin a friendship—”

  “Yeah, yeah. But can’t we be exactly like we are, but more?”

  Scott shook his head. “Nope. More means different.”

  Jenna pulled her T-shirt over her head and her jeans over her tights. She walked around the desk and kissed him.

  “What are you going to do?” he asked.

  “I have no idea.”

  “Well, call me tomorrow. And don’t drink too much tonight. Nationals are right around the corner—”

  “I know, I know,” Jenna said. “Love you, Scotty.”

  Jenna used the mirror in the ladies’ room and ran a brush through her hair. She twisted it into a knot and applied deodorant and lip gloss. Then she shut down the studio, waved to Scott in his office, and stepped into the rainy night. As she made her way to the subway, she debated whether or not to approach Alex with her “more” idea.

  She was still unsure when she reached Hank’s a half hour later.

  The warm air from inside embraced her the second she opened the door. She scanned the dark room and spotted Alex at the bar, talking to a man sitting next to him. She always teased him that he made friends everywhere he went.

  Jenna sauntered up behind him and put her arms around his chest, resting her chin on his shoulder. “Hey, you,” she whispered into his ear.

  He turned and found her eyes. She looked like a drowned rat, so she waited for him to tease her about her appearance.

  Instead, he said, “Hey, gorgeous. I was starting to get worried. I should have picked you up. I’m such an asshole.” He grabbed her into a hug, his warmth warming her chill. “I missed you.”

  Jenna squeezed him to her, not wanting to let go. “I’m happy you got rained out. Sorry I’m such a mess.”

  “Not only a mess. A hot mess.” She smacked his arm and sat on the empty stool next to him.

  “Tell me everything about your day,” he said as he waved to the bartender.

  Jenna told him about rehearsal for nationals, booking her trip to Vegas for the competition, and the latest gossip from Penny and Scott. She complained about work and the unmotivated students in her dance class. They drank a beer each before she finished her news and asked for his.

  Alex’s eyes lit and his arms flailed as he reenacted his past few hits, bragged about his road-trip stats, and described the new guys on the team. She giggled at his stories and didn’t hide her joy when he told her he had a week of home games before he had to leave again. She let him introduce her to the man next to him and admired his easy way with strangers. They each finished their second beer, content to sit in the tiny, dark bar on a rainy New York night.

  Jenna tried to work up the nerve to talk to him about their relationship but didn’t want to ruin their perfect evening. Still, as much as she tried to talk herself out of it, she knew that nervous or not, if she didn’t take the risk, she would regret it. Maybe this perfect night is the perfect time to ask. All she needed was a few seconds of vulnerability, of courage, that could possibly change them forever.

  “Alex?” she asked timidly.

  He looked at her with his amazing eyes. “Hmm.”

  Jenna took a deep breath but could only manage a goofy smile.

  “What’s up, Stecs?”

  “Let’s do a shot,” she practically yelled. This honesty stuff is nerve-wracking.

  “Sounds good. You pick.”

  She ordered two lemon drops, and they clinked them together and downed them.

  “Are you looking to get me drunk? It’s a school night, you know,” Alex teased.

  She peeked at him through her tipsy gaze. I can do this, she thought. What’s the worst that can happen?

  “You got all quiet on me, Stecs. What’s going on with you? Are you mad at me for something?”

  “No. Not at all. I don’t know. I’m happy hanging out with you.” The fluttering in her belly intensified.

  “That’s cool,” Alex said. “Let’s just hang out, then.”

  She stared at his profile, imagining what his ear tasted like, then snapped back to reality.

  “I’ve been thinking,” Jenna said after a moment.

  “About?” he asked.

  Here it goes. She tucked the stray hair that flopped onto her face back in place and took a deep breath. “About us.”

  “Us?” he asked, his eyes widening. “Oh shit, Jenna. What did I do? Whatever it is, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it. You know I can be a dick sometimes and not even realize it.”

  “No, no. Really, you
didn’t do anything. I mean…I don’t know. Lately, I’ve been thinking about us…differently, you know?” Jenna paused to read his face, but it only registered confusion. “You always say I can tell you anything, right?”

  “Of course.”

  “Okay. So I’ve been thinking about us and Scott suggested I talk to you, so I have to ask you something.” She twisted her hands in her lap and then started peeling the label off the empty bottle in front of her.

  “You can ask me anything, Jenna. You know that.” Alex’s look of confusion turned to concern.

  This is going nowhere fast. She’d have to find her courage. She couldn’t back out now. “I guess the simplest way to say it is, would you, I don’t know…” Keep going, keep going, “…want to, like, go out with me like on a real date? I know it sounds dumb since we see each other all the time for the most part, but you know what I mean, right?”

  He tilted his chin and squinted. “You’re asking me out?”

  Jenna looked from Alex to the bartender, to the televisions over the bar, back to Alex. “Um. Yeah. That’s the basic idea.”

  Alex stared wide-eyed, processing her words. Either that, or he was in shock.

  She rambled and fidgeted. “I guess it’s that I know we are in that friend zone, and I love how we are—”

  “I love how we are too.”

  “—and really, I’ve thought about it. About you. Since we met, and how we are so great together, and here I am thinking about making time for a boyfriend and I have you right here, with me, all the time. You know me and you love me, and I trust you, and I think it would be great, you know, awesome to…to be with you, with you. We are practically like a married couple anyway, minus, well, you know.” Jenna’s cheeks warmed.

  “Jen, I—”

  But Jenna had come too far to let him interrupt. If he wanted to reject her, he would have to wait until she was finished. She cringed as though she was confessing her sins to a priest. “I know it’s ridiculous. You’re completely annoying and you tease me all the time, and I tried not to feel this way, but when I see you, I feel you in my heart. Like, you are in there with me. I can’t imagine anyone else getting in there the way you are.”

  “Shit, Jenna,” Alex said.

  She knew his answer before he said it.

  “I can’t.”

  Jenna wasn’t upset with his two words. She knew chances were slim that he’d jump into her arms and carry her off into the sunset. Not only because of the rain, but because he wasn’t a prince. Still, it would have been nice if he’d at least considered her words for half a second.

  Numbness overtook her nervousness, and she backtracked. “Okay, then. I mean, I’m sorry I put it out there and kind of sprung that on you. It’s fine. I knew you would say no—”

  Alex touched her arm, and she stopped talking. “Don’t you think I’ve thought about that?” he asked. “You are the most amazing woman I’ve ever met. I love you way too much to date you, Jenna. We do that, and I will destroy us.” Alex touched her cheek and rubbed it with his thumb. “I can’t risk losing you. Every time I try a relationship, it doesn’t work out. You know how many of my exes I still talk to?”

  Jenna didn’t answer.

  “None,” he said. “I love you. I love us. And as tempting as you are, I can’t.”

  “It’s funny,” Jenna said, grabbing his hand.

  He looked down at their intertwined fingers. “What is?”

  “I think us being together is the one thing that could make our relationship even stronger, but you think it’s the one thing that can destroy us.”

  Jenna peeked up at Alex and then leaned in to kiss him on the cheek. She used every bit of willpower to resist moving her lips a little to the right to meet his to convince him, in a more physical manner, to give them a try. He put his arms around her and pulled her into a hug.

  Jenna fought tears, refusing to cry over something that didn’t warrant it. They were perfect together the way they were. Not that we can’t be more perfect.

  Finally, she shook her head and refocused. “Let’s go home. I haven’t slept in my bed in days. I’ll need a chiropractor if I have to spend one more night on Scott’s futon.”

  Alex settled their tab and took her hand, and they walked silently back to the apartment building in the rain. Despite the steady drizzle, they didn’t rush. They took the stairs instead of the elevator, and when they got to the sixth floor, Jenna said good night to Alex, making it clear he wasn’t invited to join her. He kissed her hand and let her go, watching her close the door.

  As she lay in bed that night, Jenna switched back and forth between feeling sad and relieved. Although conflicted and maybe a bit embarrassed, she’d laid it all out there. Even though he’d said no, she tried, and she’d have no regrets.

  Still, she fought the urge to cry all night, wondering why nobody seemed to want her. Her own parents had moved away without looking back. Alex already assumed a relationship with her wouldn’t work out. Someday, someone, somewhere would treasure her and take a risk.

  ***

  The next morning, Alex used his key and woke Jenna early for a run. She dragged herself out of bed, majorly exhausted and minorly hungover, washed her face, yanked on her running gear, threw her hair into a ponytail, and grabbed her iPod, all without saying much to Alex. He set the coffee machine to brew while they were out, as he always did, and off they went.

  This time she took the lead. She refused to watch him from behind running away from her. She led them in a different direction, shaking things up a bit. Instead of stopping at their park, where they usually collapsed onto the grass and chatted for a while, she kept running, wondering if he even noticed. With each stride, she felt stronger but more irritated. Her feet pounded the pavement as sweat poured off her face.

  If Alex doesn’t want to be with me, it’s his loss, she thought over and over.

  Back at her apartment, they drank their coffee and made small talk. She refused to give him the satisfaction of her smile and then left him at her kitchen table. She lingered in the shower until she heard him locking the deadbolt on his way out.

  She dressed for work, opting for a suit and heels, and spent time doing her hair and makeup. Jenna felt less blah when she checked herself out in the mirror and decided she looked awesome. She grabbed her necessary gear, most importantly her travel coffee mug containing cup number two, and marched out of her apartment.

  Outside, the sun warmed the morning air and people filled the street. Jenna continued to feel less blah as she noticed various men checking her out.

  She settled on the train as her phone vibrated with a text message.

  Alex: Have a great day.

  Asshole. The word kept repeating in her head. Asshole. “He is a fucking asshole,” she whispered. Either nobody heard or they chose to ignore her. Jenna threw her phone back into her bag and concentrated on feeling awesome again.

  When the train stopped in Midtown, Jenna climbed the stairs to the street. Halfway up to street level, a man in a suit shoved her as he bolted up the stairs. Jenna stumbled, hitting her shoulder on the wall of the stairwell.

  She stared after the man in awe. That’s it, she thought, stomping up the stairs after him. Her blood boiled and her cheeks flamed hot. That’s it, she thought again. Then she yelled it.

  “That’s it!”

  She ignored the confused looks, and when she reached street level, she stood still in the middle of the busy sidewalk. Rushing commuters huffed and puffed as they formed footpaths around her.

  “Why do men suck?” she yelled. “Can someone please answer me?”

  In New York, crazy people yelling on the street don’t usually draw much attention, but some people yelled out encouragement, advice, and obscenities.

  “You go, girl.”

  “Find another man, honey.”

  “You need a date, sweetheart? I’ll do you good.”

  “Jesus loves you, little lady.”

  I really hate people, sh
e thought, calming down as she made her way to her building and up to her tiny office on the twenty-seventh floor. She sat at her desk and unloaded her bag, promising herself she would find the right guy and she wouldn’t let him tell her no. She was worthy of love, dammit, and she would find it.

  She knew just where to start. She called Penny, a serial dater with the know-how she needed, and asked her to create an online dating profile. By the end of the day, Jenna had received five messages.

  She picked the most interesting one—Ken, thirty-two, single, stockbroker, Manhattan, nonsmoker—and sent him an email. By the time she left work to go to the dance studio, she and Ken had set a date for lunch the next day. Her first real date in over a year.

  She was young and somewhat normal, and pretty enough that she should be able to spark the interest of someone. I am worthy of love, so what is the problem?

  Maybe Penny and Scott were right—she spent too much time with Alex. They’d warned her if she didn’t watch out, she’d end up a single, middle-aged woman, letting Alex mooch breakfast from her after his one-night stands. Jenna hadn’t listened because she didn’t care and because she loved her time with Alex. That big, stupid jerk.

  After work, Jenna sprinted to the train, leaping onto the last car and rushing to the only open seat. Her bag vibrated, and she dug out her phone. Alex wanted to go to dinner. She typed No, busy, and threw the phone back in her bag.

  When the train stopped, Jenna did the mad dash to the studio, changed into her dancewear, and gave an inspiring pep talk to her unmotivated at-risk teenagers. She paced the length of the room as the girls stretched at the barre and rolled their shoulders, loosening up for class.

  “Girls,” she started, “each and every one of you in this room is so special. You all have something to offer this world. Never let anyone make you feel otherwise. You are strong, you are smart, and you are perfectly imperfect. People out there,” she said, pointing toward the street, “will try and break you down, make you doubt yourself, try to get you to be weak in mind and spirit, but you stay strong. Believe in yourself, believe in your dreams, stay focused, and make them happen.”

  The girls watched her, stunned. Hopefully, they would think on her words.