Grown Woman

by Jen Luerssen

  “Dude, why do you guys keep making my imagination so hateful?” Javier says, pretending to vomit.

  We continue to laugh and try to erase the awful class by eating cookies and drinking coffee at a nearby coffee shop. Mike and Javier have also just met but they are in two other classes together so are like old friends.

  Mike is 35 and has worked in his family’s construction business and now wants to teach elementary school. He is single and lives in the Sunset with his brother’s mother in law, Mrs. Cheang. Weirdest roommate situation ever, but he tells us that she does his laundry and cooks for him and it’s nice even though he’s told her numerous times that it’s not necessary.

  Javier has just had his 21st birthday (Holy fucking Cobain, he’s young). He grew up in San Antonio, Texas and wants to make video games. He works as a pedicab driver and lives in the Presidio with four other people in one of those old officer houses.

  It feels good to make my first school friends and even though I want to take a bite out of Javier’s arms, I have decided to keep it platonic. Hell, I promised myself I’d give my all to this new venture and stay focused. That means no boys, literal and age appropriate. My end goal is to figure out the what the hell I want to do with my life, get a degree in that, and then make time for a relationship. I’m not going to give up sex completely. Let’s not be hasty. I’m in the total market for a fuck buddy/benefits situation. I absentmindedly gaze at Javier’s lips, no! Bad Lia, you will not go there. Friends only with these two, no bennies! Another side look at those forearms and then I turn my attention to Mike. Maybe Mike, he seems nice enough and he is currently telling about his bitch ex-girlfriend who liked to sleep with as many dudes as she could in their bed to see if he would notice. He did and that’s why he now lives with a 60-year-old woman.

  “How about you, Lia?” Mike asks. “Are you married or dating anyone?”

  I shake my head. “Well, I’ve been on three really bad dates since the swinger incident, but no husband or boyfriend.”

  Javier perks up. “Tell us more about this swinger incident?” He folds his hands in front of his face and leans towards me, showing his beautiful, straight, white teeth.

  “Well,” I say conspiratorially, “one day I was getting eaten out by my co-worker on his kitchen floor and his wife walked in and he barely stopped licking to offer a, ‘Hi dear’ and then suggested a three-way. When I got home after running as fast as I could, I realized he had been chewing gum and left it in an inconvenient place. It’s been all downhill from that day, I tell ya,” I finish and take a sip of coffee with my pinky out.

  When I look at Javier and then over to Mike, they are staring at me, mouths open, eyes dark. I laugh and they join in.

  “So, wait, you got gum stuck in your hair down there?” Mike asks sincerely.

  I nod and can’t breathe now I’m laughing so hard. Javier and Mike look at me amused and a little scared probably.

  “She’s full of shit, Mike,” Javier says.

  “Oh, I wish so much that I were,” I say between gulps of air.

  Fun Guys

  I quickly get into a routine, school, music, work, and coffee and studying with Mike and Javier. When I decided to go to school, I knew immediately I had to quit the library. It was difficult but the right choice. I got a part-time job taking care of the two cutest kids in the world in Potrero Hill, Jack and Diane. Really. I know what you’re thinking but their parents are German hippies and have named them after Jack Kerouac and Diane Arbus. I needed a job that paid me under the table and was flexible. This was perfect and fun, but seriously exhausting.

  “Lita Ford, you look tired!” Paul says to me as I walk into our kitchen for a coffee. It’s Saturday and I have a mostly free day, with the exception of singing later at a local pub.

  “P-Diddums, I am so tired, but in a good way,” I say because it’s true. “I really love school, and am super excited to just get it done.”

  “I’m proud of you. It takes huge lady huevos to just change your life’s course like you have,” he says and now I’m tearing up before I’ve had coffee.

  “Thanks. I invited my Bio buds over today for lunch and studying if you don’t mind.”

  “Why would I mind those little treats coming over? I swear I orgasm just at the thought of that boy’s forearms. Plus, I think Mike has it bad for you and I love watching you being clueless, although I may have just ruined that.” He laughs.

  I break from making coffee to give Paul a look. “Mike does not like me that way, dammit.” Except I’m not as clueless as Paul thinks I am. I’ve noticed little things that lead me to think he may ask me out soon. He usually walks me to my car, when Javier isn’t with us he sits close to me, and he has been extra flirty.

  “Okay, lady, protest away, I know the deal. Just let me know when heavenly Javi gets here. I’m going to Kinnear a few shots of arm porn for my Tumblr,” he says and dances back to his room.

  I sit with my coffee, trying to visualize my life. I start with my family. My parents are divorced and happily remarried to other people. Both are still in Jersey and I love them but I see them rarely, and it feels like a different life sometimes. My childhood wasn’t eventful in any way that would require therapy. My parents were poorly matched and unhappy until they divorced when I was a teenager. I had a few close friends and they helped me get through it. The thing that I remember most is reading. My father loves to read and loves to collect books. Obviously, I’ve inherited this interest. Happily I do not share his affinity for crappy light beer and organ meats. My mom is probably the smartest person I know. She is a mechanical engineer and I got zero of her math brain. I did inherit her perfect pitch and the ability to play piano by ear.

  Music is my other love and don’t make me choose between books and music, it’s a dead tie. I love to sing, arrange music, come up with new ways to deliver familiar melodies, and occasionally come up with my own stuff. My current band consists of me, my guitarist, Joe, and my upright bass player, Fucking Frank. Since Devon left to make music in LA, I’ve been through three drummers, and the current one, Andrew is working so far, thank the rock gods. Jane likes to now call my band, Spinal Tap because of the revolving drummer door, but I can assure you, no one has spontaneously combusted. I think the first two quit because it’s kinda boring drumming in a vocal jazz group, I guess. Andrew seems like he may stick. He and Joe get along well and he likes to experiment with percussion which is fine with me. Since school has become part of my life, I’ve made sure to carve out time for music. I’d go crazy if I didn’t.

  My job at the library was a void I felt strongly in the beginning but I barely feel the loss anymore. My days are happily busy with school and caring for my little ones, Jack and Diane. They are little geniuses and I love to hang with them. Jack is two and the most mellow dude ever. Diane is five and a ball of fire. I love them both and will even admit I relate a tiny bit more to Diane the fireball. Their parents own a very successful health food store and have nutty schedules that somehow work with mine. I’m happy with my life, I realize, yet there’s something missing, the magical rutting penis with the man of my dreams attached. This thought leads me to my next one. If Mike asks me out, should I say yes? As I discuss this with myself, my phone pings with a text from Mike. I’ll take that as a sign of good.

  Mike: Hey Lia, I’m downstairs.

  Shit, I realize I’ve been doing life visualizations for an alarmingly long time and it’s 11 am. Wait, we agreed to meet at 11:30. He’s early.

  Lia: Mikey, you are early.

  Mike: I know but Mrs. Cheang gave me a ride and I’m here now.

  Okay, his relationship with Mrs. Cheang is kind of cute, but there are times when it feels a little bit like he’s a momma’s boy. Plus, he should know better than to come early to a woman’s home. I mean really.

  Lia: Dude, go get some cookies from the corner store. I’m not ready for you yet. :)

  Mike: Got it! I’ll take my time, peanut butter Newman-Os?

&nbs
p; Lia: If you want to live.

  Mike: Noted.

  I’m a tad nervous as I buzz him up 15 minutes later. He looks super cute in board shorts and a black t-shirt. He has the bag of requested cookies and hands them to me with a bow.

  “For the lady.”

  I accept them with a short curtsy. “I will accept your token, despite your blatant disregard of the time and space continuum.”

  “I am sorry. Mrs. Cheang had to get to her book club and insisted on driving me, even though I’d be happy to ride my bike. Says it’s going to rain later.” He leans in for a hug and kisses my cheek awkwardly.

  “No problem, I’m having a slow morning, but your cookie expedition allowed for a quick shower and now I am presentable.” I have rolled my “fancy” back considerably over the past few weeks, still no Uggs though. I can’t bring myself to do it. I’m wearing short black capris and a slouchy white shirt and I’ve piled my hair up in a messy bun. Since it’s late September in San Francisco, it’s just starting to get warm for our mini summer.

  “More than presentable, I’d say.” He smiles and takes a seat at our kitchen table, taking out notebooks and our Bio textbook.

  I set a plate of cookies on the table and offer him coffee. When I’m seated, I make eye contact and know he’s going for it.

  “Lia, will you go to lunch with me tomorrow and then a movie?” He asks in a rush of an exhale.

  I smile at him because I do. I want to try a date with Mike. Why wouldn’t I? He’s cute, a super lovely person, and funny. “I will.”

  He looks surprised. “You will?” he laughs.

  “Sure, it sounds like a perfect Sunday.” I shrug.

  He looks at me and takes my hand. “To be clear, I asked you on a date.”

  I squeeze his hand. “To be clear, I accepted your offer of a date,” I say and release my hand and take a sip of coffee.

  “Great, I’ll pick you up at noon,” he says, clearly relieved.

  We sit together in amicable silence for a few minutes and it’s nice. I jump when the buzzer goes off, signaling Javier’s arrival.

  I buzz him in and when he turns the corner on the stairs, he takes my breath away. His jeans sit low on his hips, paired with a soft gray t-shirt and he is wearing flip flops. Courtney Love on the beach, his feet are sexy. I know, whenever I hear someone say that about a man’s feet I am skeptical, 99% of men’s feet are gross, let’s face it. Not Javier, his are perfectly groomed and manly. I try to focus on something else so I zone in on his forearms (duh), then his face. He smiles at me and melts my ovaries.

  “Lou Reed, you look lovely,” he says and I blush a bit. He and I discussed our shared love of taking rocks star’s names in vain. He said his Tia (Aunt) was obsessed with classic rock and was also very religious. She insisted that no one take the lord’s name in vain so Javi came up with this solution one day when they were listening to music. I have no good reason like that, I’m just a weirdo and think musicians are Gods.

  “Thanks, Javi. Mike’s here already and we were thinking about a pizza if you’re interested.”

  He nods and hands me the 12 pack of Anchor Liberty he’s brought. “Your favorite, señorita, and yes to pizza unless Mike is set on fucking mushrooms.”

  We walk into my kitchen and as it’s the size of a closet, Mike heard all of our conversation. “Not sure what you have against mushrooms, other than your general dislike for anything resembling a vegetable.”

  “I do not eat fungus. I’ve taken a stand and I’m going with it. Vegetables don’t belong on pizza, since pizza is legally a vegetable anyway.”

  “Okay, my fun-guys, let’s agree on meat lovers and get down to labeling organs and shit.” I order the pizza and we get on with the mind-numbing memorization of body parts.

  “Ugh, organs, makes me feel squicky,” Javi says rubbing his flat abdomen.

  “My dad adores all freaky organ meats, believe me, I know squicky,” I add.

  “That’s the wurst,” Mike chimes in, laughing at his pun.

  “Aw, it’s not that bad, liver little,” I chime in.

  “Aww, Lia, Mike’s just wearing his heart on his sleeve.”

  “Hey Lia, Have you heard the joke about organ meats?” Mike asks.

  “No Mike but I hear it’s offal funny,” I retort because I had heard that joke. I’m pretty sure my dad made that one up.

  We dissolve into fits of laughter and it’s the best time I’ve ever had studying.

  Dates on Dates

  My stomach is fluttering, my palms are sweaty, and I may have to go to the bathroom again. I’m trying to pinpoint exactly why. I don’t usually get too anxious before a date, especially one with someone I know. It may be because it’s someone I know. I really like Mike and I don’t want to screw up our friendship or the group dynamic. There’s also Javier and my undeniable attraction to him. It’s strong, visceral even, but I know it’s a dead end. It’s there though. I am happy to see Mike and I enjoy spending time with him, but the heart-stopping, stomach drop that happens when I see Javier is not happening with Mike. That’s what this date is for though, to see if I can cultivate my overwhelming like for Mike into something that resembles my body’s reaction to Javier. I shouldn’t be nervous around Mike, but I am. It’s as if I’m already disappointed in myself for the possibility of hurting him in some way.

  After we gorged on pizza and fried our brains with human biology, we hung out drinking the beer Javi bought and played “never have I ever,” with Paul, who was successful in his not-so-stealthy photo taking. He got some swoon-worthy shots of Javi’s forearms in different positions, gesturing, drinking beer, etcetera. The game was endlessly interesting and hilarious. My personal favorite was when Javi and Mike drank when Paul declared, “Never have I ever thought about swinging with Lia.” I called bullshit on him immediately. I know for a fact if he had to swing with me and someone as hot as Javier, he’d be down.

  When they were leaving later, Javier apologized if he made me uncomfortable when he drank on the swinging comment. I told him I’d be disappointed if he didn’t at least think about it and then we laughed. I’m glad Mike was out of earshot because I was full on flirting with Javier after I’d agreed to go out with him. Javier walked out and Mike leaned down, kissed both of my cheeks, and left without a word.

  He’d sent me this text a little while later:

  Mike: Can’t wait for tomorrow. XO

  So, here I am, at 11:48 am, waiting for Mike to show up. I’m in skinny jeans, a black t-shirt, and my lace up Doc Martens. I’m going casual since it’s a day date and it’s Sunday. I try to give myself a day off from the fancy on Sunday. At least until later when I have a show and have to get all gussied up.

  He’s on time and looks cute in jeans and a floral button-down shirt. The melty feelings aren’t as intense with Mike but they are there. I like his gentleness. He’s a mellow dude and there’s something to be said for that. He puts me at ease and I like being around him. We take the bus to Haight street and have lunch at the Citrus Club, a yummy noodle house. He tells me about his family in San Diego and how the surfing is so different here. He finds it edgier and his fellow surfers to be a bit more hardcore about it all. I tell him about my family and how much I miss them, but I do not miss living on the east coast. Conversation is easy and I’m having a great time. We go to the movies and it’s one of those awful horror movies with creepy children. It’s so bad it’s not scary at all. Instead, it’s hilarious. Mike and I laugh the whole way through.

  He grabs my hand as we leave the theater and doesn’t let go on the bus ride or the walk to my stoop. It’s warm, romantic and encouraging.

  “Lia, I had a really great time. I was nervous to ask you out. I didn’t want to disturb our friendship or the group, but I couldn’t pass up an opportunity with you.” He is sincere as he brushes my hair behind my ear. “May I kiss you?”

  I nod and he leans in, presses his soft lips to mine and I close my eyes. The kiss is lovely and short. My eyes o
pen to Mike smiling at me. He brings my in for a hug and then kisses my cheek.

  “Thanks,” I say like an idiot.

  He chuckles and he walks down the stairs away from me. “You’re welcome, and I’ll see you Tuesday.”

  I feel like a teenager on her first date as I float into my apartment and sit on the couch next to Paul.

  “So?” Paul asks.

  “Simon and Garfunkel, I like him,” I declare.

  “Are you two going steady now?” Paul asks, cheekily.

  “We sure are! Burgers and malts from here on out,” I say with a goofy grin. “Will you help me with my hair, P? I’m feeling like rocking some big curls tonight for the Bix show.

  I sip my whiskey at the bar of Bix, a beautiful supper club. It’s got plenty of mahogany and plush banquettes, a classy place with yummy food and great live music. This is the third time I’ve sung here and it’s always a little intimidating. I don’t know why. It’s not a huge room, but I guess the intimacy of the space makes it more like I’m in someone’s house. I’ve got my band, Joe, Andrew, and fucking Frank, here and ready to play. Frank is the type of friend you wish was not super talented and deep down a good person because he’s a total dick and super high maintenance. This is why we call him “Fucking Frank.” We are enjoying our free beverage before we start and just taking in the scenery. Sunday at Bix is a mixed bag. Some people are casually attired and others go all out like decked out to the nines. I’m wearing my beaded, sleeveless, black cocktail dress, seamed fishnets and a faux, hot pink, fox tail wrap. I’ve got on my favorite pair of bright pink, strappy Jimmy Choos and I feel hot. The dress shows off my one sleeve of tattoos and half of my Golden Gate Bridge on my shoulder. My hair is full diva vixen, thanks to Paul and his talent. I look like a cross between Dita Von Teese and Ann Margaret.

  “What’s that dead thing on your neck?” Fucking Frank asks.

  “It’s the tail of a rare fox only found in the thrift stores of Haight street, it’s pink color camouflages it from its drag queen and jazz singing predators,” I say and Joe and Andrew laugh.