Grown Woman

by Jen Luerssen

  People trickle in and the man in the white coat is greeting everyone cordially. Javier sits next to me and shrugs.

  “Who’s this guy?” he asks in a whisper.

  “No clue, but by the white coat, I’d say he’s a scientist of some sort. Why, you missing Carol?” I ask.

  He gives me side-eye and clears his throat. “Excuse me, sir? Are you filling in for Carol?”

  The man in the white coat turns to us, “Mrs. Lee is taking a leave of absence so I will be filling in for her until she is able to come back. I’ll go into more detail once class begins.”

  He turns back to the white board and continues to write notes. Javier and I give each other silent high fives and make exaggerated happy faces. “Best news of the day!” I exclaim in a whisper-yell. My former table gives us all dirty looks.

  “Fucking Zeppelin-A.” Javier drums his hands on the table. “This calls for a celebration. Beers and burritos later?”

  “Hells yes!” We high five again for good measure, despite the class pets giving us the hairy eyeball.

  “What are we high-fiving kiddos?” Mike says as he breezes in and sits down across from me.

  I lean over and give him my serious face. “Carol. Is. Taking. A. Leave. Of. Absence.”

  “Also, we are having beer and burritos later,” Javi adds.

  High fives recommence—death glares do too.

  “Hello class, I’m Mr. Druck and I’ll be here for the next few weeks while Mrs. Lee is on leave,” the man in the white coat announces interrupting our super mature high five sesh.

  The new teacher is droll and dry and WONDERFUL. I never thought I’d be relieved to have a by the book, boring ass teacher. After class, we head to our favorite burrito place, then stop for beer before heading to my apartment. Paul is out of town again in Barcelona, Spain this time. I’m so proud of him and he seems to be enjoying all the traveling.

  Mike, Javi and I play three million rounds of Yahtzee and drink way too much beer.

  “I am the winner. You guys are the losers and I am the champion of all Yahtzee champions!” I declare. “Maybe I’ll get Yahtzee dice tatted on me soon.”

  “Okay, drunky pants. The title is yours for now,” Javi teases. “Not sure I know anyone with a tattoo like that.”

  “You know she cheats,” Mike adds.

  I make an outraged noise and push Mike. “I do not cheat!”

  “Sure, it’s totally legit to knock a die off the table if it’s not the one you want so you can re-roll,” Javi joins in.

  “Ha! I’ll have you know I’m drunk and I have jumpy arms when I drink too much,” I say, not fooling anyone.

  “Oh, I’m sorry about your condition. Maybe we should start a collection at school, maybe a bake sale?”

  “Aw, fuck ya both, I’m going to the couch to bask in my Yahtzee glory.” I stumble to the couch and put my feet on the table knocking over a few books and my metronome. ”Oops.”

  Mike plops down next to me and pulls me in close. Since I’m drunk, I let it happen. I get super touchy-feely so Mike is in luck. I know I shouldn’t be leading him on but I can’t bring myself to break it off while we are celebrating. Javier is cleaning up empties and loading the dishwasher. Mike nibbles my ear and it feels wet and not entirely unpleasant, but I sit up quickly and move a bit away from him. I hate myself a little for the look on his face.

  “Movie!” I shout and turn the TV on. “You guys down for a Hallmark marathon?”

  The look of horror on Mike’s face is hilarious.

  Javier sits down in between us and grabs the remote from me. “Yes! Bring on the second chance love story or maybe some cowboys?”

  “Yesssss, cowboys!” I put out my fist and Javier bumps it.

  Mike shakes his head. “Please tell me you both are joking?”

  “Hell, no!” Javier says, “Prepare to get in touch with your sensitive side.” He’s scrolling through the on-demand options.

  I wave my hand to stop him. “Ooooh wait, that one stars Danica McKellar, I had a total lady boner for her in The Wonder Years.”

  “I can’t wait until the Christmas movies start.” Javier gives me an elbow wink combo and I get up to get some tissues and another beer. Javier and I had a long conversation about our love of cheesy romance movies on Hallmark. He actually likes to read romances and likes the super dirty ones that I read. He and I discussed the menage books we like especially. Mike was absent that day. Did I mention that Javier is maybe a unicorn too? He’s like a pegasus with a unicorn horn.

  I plop back down on the couch and take a swig of beer. Mike still has a horrified look on his face. He makes it about five minutes into the cheesy masterpiece about Buck and his love for the rodeo and the girl who stole his heart in high school now reunited years later.

  “I’m sorry you guys, but this is too much for me. I’ll see you Thursday,” Mike says as he gets up.

  Javier and I boo him and try to pull him back onto the couch. My drunken pervy brain has a momentary flash of the three of us going at it and I let Mike’s arm go like it’s on fire, get up and walk him to the door.

  I grab his hand. “We can change it if you want. You don’t have to go, Mike.”

  “I think I do. I’ll call you later.” Then he’s gone and I know why. It’s because I’m an indecisive asshole. He wants to be my boyfriend and I won’t let him take it to the next level. I try to kid myself as to what is stopping me, but let’s get real, it might be the guy currently sitting on my couch.

  Mike Bows Out

  By Thursday, Mike hasn’t called me. The text I sent asking if he was okay hasn’t been answered. I walk into class and sit next to Javier, the only one at our table. .

  “Have you heard from Mike?” I ask, concerned.

  “Yes, he is deathly ill with a man cold. He texted me that Mrs. Cheang is plying him with tea and soup, and some Chinese herbs he says taste like the bottom of a shoe. He told me to tell you he’ll call when he’s better.”

  I’m slightly relieved, obviously not because Mike is sick. “A man cold, eh?”

  “Well, I think it’s not only that because Mrs. Cheang is hovering and catering to his every whim he may be stretching it out.”

  “So he’s milking that shit for all it’s worth.”

  “Hell, yes. She’s making him homemade wonton soup for T-Rex’s sake. Have you had her wontons? That shit is epic.”

  “I have and I agree, epic wontons are worth stretching out a man cold. Now I want to listen to ‘Jeepster’ though.” He and I take out the homework Mr. Druck had given to us on Tuesday. A beautifully organized and stapled together packet that made sense and followed the assigned reading. To say things have been clearer, saner and more conducive to learning would be an understatement.

  After class, Javi and I head to the student union for some shitty coffee and some stale cookies. We both have papers to write and tests to study for, but he understands the magic of caffeine and how it will get us through the rest of the day. As he and I order and then maneuver our way through the crowded union, I notice the usual stares and drool happening when Javi walks by any unsuspecting coed. He either doesn’t notice or is so used to it, he blocks it out. It makes him sexier, no matter which.

  “Let’s sit here so the sun won’t be directly in our eyes,” Javier says and then pulls out a chair for me.

  We sit and immediately he splits the two cookies we bought, gives me a half of each and takes the other two halves. We sit in comfortable silence as we eat and relax.

  “What are you young people up to this weekend?” I ask.

  “Well, you know us young folk. We like to play on our electronic devices, listen to the rock and roll music, and devil worship,” he teases. “Of course you geriatrics will be baking cookies and watching QVC, right?”

  “QVC? I’m more of a Home Shopping Network kind of broad.” I pretend to be offended.

  “Apologies, ma’am.” I shoot him the dirtiest of looks. “I am going to the movies tomorrow night
and then we are having a few people over on Saturday night. You should come.”

  “To the movies or the party?” I ask, a little intrigued. I would love to go to either of those events.

  He lifts one side of his mouth into the cutest smirk. “Both, I guess. The movie is Gimme Danger. You’d probably love it, it’s a documentary about the Stooges. My roommate, Graham, and I are going.” He drums a bit on the table, almost like he’s nervous. “I meant the party though. You’d like my roommates, they’re pretty rad.”

  “Oh, the Jim Jarmusch movie?”

  Javier nods and gives me a surprised look.

  “Dude, I love him. Jane and I have watched Ghost Dog probably a hundred times.”

  “Oh, so I already knew you were rare, but now you’re just one of those women,” he says rolling his eyes.

  I punch him in his perfect bicep. “What the fuck is ‘one of those women?’”

  “The perfect kind that I’ll never be worthy of.” He gives me the full watt smile and it hits me below the belt as usual.

  “Oh, yes, the almost 30-year-old, college dropout, failed musician, former not-a-librarian? She’s a rare diamond.”

  “That she is,” he says without a lick of sarcasm.

  “Alright, charming, knock it off. I’ll go to the movie, but I’m singing at Ireland’s 32 on Saturday, so I can’t make the party.” I probably could make the party, since I’m only singing from 8–9pm. I’m usually drained after singing though and I want to make a good first impression when I meet Javier’s roommates. He’s told me about them and they sound great.

  “Okay, we were going to get sushi beforehand if you want to join us. I can pick you up.”

  “Pick me up? You have a car?” I’m genuinely surprised. He’s always on the bus or biking places.

  He winks at me. “I have a vehicle and I’ll pick you up at 6 pm the movie starts at 8 pm.”

  “You have a vehicle? What the fuck does that mean? You better not be picking me up in a golf cart or a tractor, Javi.” I point my pen at him and make a fake mad face.

  He laughs. “No tractor, just me and my pogo stick.”

  I stare at him, eyebrows raised.

  “Fine, I have a motorcycle and I only ride it on the weekend if the weather is nice. I haven’t had it recently because my dad was borrowing it.”

  “Oh, heavens to Megadeath, you have a motorcycle? So you’re one of those men?”

  “One of those men?” He gives me an amused look.

  “Yes, the kind that is irresistible trouble.”

  Javier and I study at the library until late and then go our separate ways. I agree to the motorcycle pick up against my own judgment. I mean, for Ozzy’s sake, he already has the unfair forearm advantage, not to mention the old school politeness, and then there’s his face. The more I get to know Javi, the more attractive he gets. When I first laid eyes on him, I, of course, noticed his arms, but his face was pretty hot too. Beyond the superficial hotness though, once I got to know Javi behind the face, the broodiness that can be misunderstood, the half smirk, the rare, full smile, white teeth on display, it was impossible not to find him even more attractive.

  When I get on the bus later, I check my phone and there’s a message from Mike from a few hours ago.

  Mike: Hey, can you come over after class? I’m feeling better and want to see you.

  Me: Just saw this, sorry. Can I still come by or are you already in bed with your man cold?

  Mike: I’m still up, come if you can.

  Me: See you in 15.

  Mrs. Cheang answers the door when I arrive at Mike’s and she doesn’t look very happy to see me.

  “No face eating tonight, he’s still sick.” She shakes a finger at me and I turn a dark shade of red.

  “I promise, no face eating.”

  “You don’t like him, you end it. No stringing along,” she warns.

  I am hard-pressed to think of anyone scarier than this five foot, 100-pound grandma. I scoot by her, nodding and knock softly on Mike’s door and slip in quickly when I hear him tell me to come in.

  He’s sitting criss cross on his bed, books and notebooks surround him. He smiles at me and I notice it’s one of those that don’t go all the way to his eyes. I already feel like this is going to be hard, but I’m just confused about my feelings.

  On the one hand, Mike is awesome, age appropriate and we have a lot in common. Every time we hang out, it’s easy and relaxed. The only block I have is when we get to a certain point when we are kissing. I’m nearly 30 and have been around the block. This is not something I’m ashamed of. My sexuality is important to me and I tend to be pretty free about it. Mike seems like more of a relationship-only sex guy, no one nighters or random hook ups for him. That’s totally fine too, I’m not here to lecture either way, but I know he wants to go farther. I’m the one who keeps pumping the brakes. He and I work on paper, but the chemistry just isn’t there for the physical.

  The wild card that seems to be getting in my way is Javier. He is so not right for me on paper. He’s barely legal for Beiber’s sake. My reaction to him is undeniable though. The minute he walks into a room I’m lit up. I’m always happy to see him and have to keep my hands to myself for fear of molesting him. Who knows how Mike and I would do if it weren’t for him. One thing is sure if I want to keep Mike as a friend I have to be honest and tell him I’m not interested in him romantically. I’m devastated that I’ll hurt his feelings but it’s not fair to string him along. Mrs. Cheang is right.

  “Hey Magic Mike, how you feeling?” I ask as I cross the room and give him an awkward hug.

  He laughs and then starts coughing. “Oh man, sorry, I’m doing much better but probably not ready for stripping just yet.”

  “Understandable, stripping takes full lung strength.” I’m stalling with lame jokes and we both know it.

  “How was class today?” He’s dancing around shit too.

  “Blissfully Carol-free and boring.” I start to go through my backpack, “I brought you the homework for Tuesday.”

  “Thanks,” he says as he takes the offered papers. “So, Lia.” He takes a giant breath and I swallow audibly. “Where do we stand?”

  I admire his maturity because I’m the worst and should have had this conversation with him at least a week ago. “Mike, you are way too good for me,” I say this a little under my breath but he hears me.

  “What does that even mean?”

  “That I’m mostly an asshole and you aren’t. I really like you, Mike, but I’m a confused person and so I’m not good enough for the likes of you.”

  “Bullshit,” he says a little harshly and I’m taken aback, but not surprised. I deserve any frustration. “You are not confused about me, you just don’t like me the way I like you.”

  My shoes are getting a thorough vetting right now. If I had to testify in court what they looked like I could give every detail, down to the amount of polka dots on my cute little purple flats. I’m not good with this kind of situation. When it comes to having hard conversations, I’m a total loser. I finally kick myself and look him in the eye. He is wholly disappointed.

  I give him a shrug and a half smile that he probably wants to punch. “I’m sorry, Mike, you’re right. As much as I want to be completely hot for you, I can’t force it. You deserve a girl that is completely hot for you.”

  “That’s fair, I did tell you I was willing to take the risk.” He starts flipping the pencil in his hand. “Guess, there was no reward.”

  I sit next to him on the bed and catch the pencil mid-air. “Hmm, no reward? Are you saying we can’t continue to be friends? I’m an awesome friend.”

  He playfully grabs the pencil back and bumps my shoulder. “You are an awesome everything.”

  I fall off the bed dramatically. “Even my actoring!” I shout from the floor.

  We both laugh and I feel immense relief. Mike and I are going to be okay.

  Crotch Hugs

  I’d be lying if I said we got bac
k to the way we were before. Mike and I are friends, but he hangs out with Javi and me less and I feel bad about it. I know he and Javi still hang when they can in between their other class they have together but I feel like I broke our little threesome. Rationally, I know it’s not 100% my fault. Mike was the one who went for it and I jumped with him. It’s not a completely awkward mess but it’s different.

  “Birch, it’s only October and you already have boy drama at school? I love you.” Paul and I are sitting on our couch watching our favorite show, Rehab Addict, and drinking a bottle of wine. He got home from his trip this morning so he didn’t have to work. I was with Jack and Diane today and it was a long day since they were both sick with a bad cold and were super needy.

  “Yep, boy drama already.” I sigh. “Did I tell you that Javier has a motorcycle?” I ended up bailing on the movie with Javier, since I felt bad about the whole Mike sitch and I was hiding. I wasn’t sure how Javier would react to Mike and I having some awkwardness. He never commented either way on our “dating” so I assumed him to be neutral. This week has been fine but there’s a slight chill coming from Mike in class. I know he’d probably deny it if it came up, but he’s treating me differently and I can hardly blame him.

  Paul’s eyes widen and his hands clutch his chest. “A motorcycle? You’re killing me.” He dramatically swoons back on the couch with a hand draped over his forehead.

  “Yep, and he’s taking me for a ride tomorrow. We’re going to Pacifica for barbecue.” The plan had been for all three of us to go but Mike bowed out yesterday using Mrs. Cheang as an excuse.

  Paul mumbles something about giving Javier a ride as my phone chimes with an incoming text.

  Javi: What are you doing, Diva?

  Me: Ya know, Diva stuff, drinking wine, watching TV, sorting my white leather.

  Javi: I’m in your neighborhood and I have more wine. Can I come over?

  This is an interesting development. Javier has never just shown up at my apartment. All are welcome if they bring wine though, so I respond accordingly.