“It’s your dad, isn’t it? He’s making you move? Because of me?”
I hated how on-the-nose he was, but I couldn’t give him that. I couldn’t let him have the ammo that would help him obsess over it and screw up his whole life over some silly little high school fling.
It didn’t feel like a silly little high school fling. Not to me. Not right now. But I was told that it would. That eventually, people get over their first love and they move on. I didn’t know if I believed it. I didn’t know if I’d ever find a guy that made me feel the way Knight did. He made me feel like my own person. For the first time I wasn’t the preacher’s or the choir director’s daughter, I wasn’t Kait’s sister, I was just me. Knight didn’t have expectations of me, and it made me so much happier than I ever could have believed. I felt unburdened with him.
But like my mother had told me — those feelings came with a price. I got a few months of being irresponsible with Knight, and now I got to have a lifetime of being a responsible mom to look forward to.
That’s what my mom told me. She never even argued with my dad about moving me away. Never tried to stick up for me or give Knight the benefit of the doubt. In her eyes, I was a failure for not waiting until marriage to lose my virginity and I got everything I deserved.
But Knight didn’t. He didn’t deserve this. He was being himself.
I shook my head. “No. We’re just moving. I’m sorry, but I have to go,” I said, leaning up to kiss him on the cheek before I turned and left that garage, my heart breaking more with every step.
* * *
I swiped away a tear as I drove past the old garage, a tear for the past, for the lost future we could have had, for all those years… I didn’t know what it was for, but it was long overdue.
13
Knight
We could hear the sounds of the game before the park was even in sight, and I could tell that Cal was getting excited.
“Do you play baseball back home?” I asked him.
He shrugged. “Not for a team or anything. We play at church sometimes.”
I frowned. I knew that Tenley was probably doing everything she could to raise the kid right, but it seemed like she could use some help. Or maybe they needed to move away from her family so the kid talked about more than just church. I was pretty sure if I stepped foot into one of the places I’d be struck down by lightning right away, so I figured we needed to find the kid a new social venue.
“Maybe they have a team you can play with for the summer,” I suggested, hoping it wasn’t an unreasonable suggestion. I saw the way his eyes lit up right away and hoped extra hard.
Fuck, it was hard to be responsible for the little guy. Not just keeping him alive — so far that wasn’t much of a problem — but his emotions… They were so open and vulnerable, it seemed like it would be way too easy to hurt him and I didn’t want to. I wanted him to like me. I wanted to be a good dad. But hell, he seemed so fragile.
“That would be cool,” he said with a shrug, trying to play it off. It was cute, and I couldn’t help smirking. I wondered if I was as obvious as Cal when I was his age and thought I was cool. Probably. Kids were never as sly as they thought they were.
There was already a game in full swing when we got to the bleachers surrounding the field. There wasn’t a huge crowd, but enough people that we had to scope out seats for a moment. As soon as we sat down, I looked around and spotted my goofy-looking brother, bouncing a baby on his shoulder. He spotted me the same time I spotted him and gave me the head nod before extracting himself from his seat and making his way over to us.
“You made it,” he said, sounding surprised.
I nodded. “The kid likes baseball,” I said, gesturing to Cal.
Cal looked up at Bear, and then to me, probably looking for some kind of clue about how he was supposed to act in this situation.
“I like baseball too,” Bear said, smiling at Cal. “It’s a good day for it, don’t you think?”
The weather? My brother, the hardened combat veteran, was standing there with a baby on his shoulder, talking about the weather with a twelve-year-old. Talk about bizarre.
But he wasn’t wrong. It was a beautiful day. One of those picture-perfect summer days with endless blue skies and fluffy cotton ball clouds. The air was cool when the wind blew, but with the sun warming up the day, it was the perfect weather to be in shorts and a t-shirt. It had been a long, long time since I sat and paid attention to the weather and appreciated it. Normally it wasn’t something I gave much thought to unless it was rain or snow keeping me off my bike. I didn’t care much otherwise. Had my mind on too many other things to ever just enjoy shit.
That was a weird thought. It hit me out of nowhere, but once it did, it wouldn’t go away. It just sank in deeper and deeper as I tried to search for something to refute it. But there was nothing. It was the truth. I’d been so wrapped up with the garage, my pursuits of meaningless sex, and drinking myself into a stupor that I couldn’t remember the last time I ever took the time to enjoy the moment.
Tenley, something whispered in my head. But I didn’t know if that was even true or just me trying to make my life seem less pathetic.
“It’s awesome!” Cal said enthusiastically, way more excited now that he had someone friendlier to talk to. “This is my dad,” he added quickly, looking at me with this look of adoration or some shit in his eyes. I wanted to shrink back and hide from that look. I didn’t deserve that. I wasn’t a good role model for him. Not yet at least. I wanted to be, but I wasn’t there yet. And to be honest, as much as I wanted it, I knew myself. I knew the likelihood of me changing my ways and sticking to it were pretty slim. But if I could keep up the charade for a summer, show him that I wasn’t a total piece of shit, then maybe there’d be hope for the kid. For us. I didn’t fucking know. This was all so far over my head that it could have very well looped all the way around and been under my feet again.
“This is your dad?” Bear asked, sounding surprised as he looked over at me with a mischievous twinkle in his eyes. I just rolled mine at him. He was a fucking dork. Had only gotten worse since having kids and shacking up with Lexi.
“Yeah!” Cal answered, still so excited.
“Well, if that’s your dad, then that must mean that I’m your uncle. And this—” he said, bouncing Savannah as she cooed happily and sucked on her hand, “—this is your cousin.”
Cal’s eyes went huge, his jaw dropped, and I could tell that he wanted it to be true. He looked so excited that he could hardly contain it. And then he looked over at me for confirmation.
I just chuckled and nodded my head. “He’s right. I know it’s hard to tell because he’s so much uglier than me, but Bear’s my brother,” I said.
“Bear?” Cal asked, his nose wrinkling.
“Like a grizzly,” Bear said, giving a roar for effect.
“More like gummi,” I teased.
Cal didn’t care about our bickering. He learned he had an uncle and he was already hurrying to him and wrapping him in a hug.
Bear looked at me, his eyes meeting mine, something meaningful there even if I didn’t know what it was. Probably just a silent lecture again. Trying to make me remember how much of a fuck-up I was.
“Hey,” Bear said, crouching down to Cal’s level. “There are other kids down there playing. Why don’t you go down there and join them? You’ve got another cousin down there, Dallas. I bet he’d be happy to throw the ball around with you until he’s up at bat later.”
Cal looked at me, not completely sure if he should be taking suggestions from my brother or not.
“It’s okay,” I reassured him with a nod. “You can go play if you want to. Probably more fun than sitting here with us boring grown-ups.”
He still looked uncertain and I wasn’t sure why. “What’s up?”
He bit his lip and shook his head, running off to join the group of kids down in the grass. I didn’t know what that was about, but he seemed reluctant to leave my s
ide. Weird.
“Can definitely tell you didn’t have any part in raising that kid,” Bear said. “He’s way too nice.”
I knew he was trying to make a joke, and I knew that normally I’d give him some kind of reaction. A laugh, an eye roll, a middle finger — something. But I wasn’t in the mood for it. I was watching Cal and there were too many things running through my head. Too many thoughts, too many questions, too much.
Bear frowned and sat down next to me. Savannah babbled and reached for my ear with her tiny grubby hands, but I just ducked out of the way.
“What’s wrong?” he asked.
I shrugged.
“You can’t be that bummed about spending time with your own kid,” he said dubiously.
I scoffed, glaring at him. “No, of course not. That’s not it at all.”
“Then what is it?” he asked, pressing me perfectly. I didn’t want to admit there was anything, but of course my asshole brother managed to weasel it out of me.
I sighed and shook my head, turning to him. “It’s not fair, man. It isn’t fair that she kept him away from me all this time and never even told me about him. Never even gave me the choice. And now… Look at him, man. He’s practically grown. And I didn’t get any fucking part of that.”
A mom on the bench in front of me turned and gave me a sharp look for my language, but I ignored her. She wasn’t my fucking mom.
I didn’t know where all this was coming from. All this anger and hurt. I was feeling emotional, even getting teary-eyed thinking about how much I missed out on with Cal, and that’s not like me. I figured it had to be the pills. They warned me they could make me emotional and irrational and shit.
Great, just what I needed with all of this going on. Let’s drop a life-changing bomb on Knight’s life and then give him pills that make it impossible to deal with it normally. Sounded about right for the way my life had always gone.
I swiped furiously at the moisture collecting in my eyes, annoyed that it was even there, annoyed that I was on these pills that made me like this, that I’d cracked my skull open from the shock of finding out I had a kid because he’d been kept a secret for a dozen years.
There was plenty to be annoyed about, to be honest. I didn’t have to pick, they were all great reasons.
When I finally looked over to Bear, I didn’t recognize his expression. I thought it was sympathy, but that didn’t seem right. Bear never had any sympathy for my problems. I’d always created them myself and deserved everything I got. That’s how he always looked at it. But for the first time, he was looking at me like he believed this potentially wasn’t all my fault. Like maybe he thought I had gotten the short end of the stick this time. Maybe it wasn’t just my persecution complex talking.
He sighed and slid an arm around my shoulders. “It sucks, you’re right, but it could have been worse. You could have not found out until he was eighteen. Or ever. But now you have a chance. You have the opportunity to be there for him, to be a part of his life. That’s something. That’s what you’ve got to hold onto. Being angry about the past is never going to change it.”
“I know,” I sighed, shaking my head, feeling like everyone was staring at us, even though I was sure no one actually was. It felt weird to have a moment like this with my brother. It was so unusual for us that I didn’t know how to react, but I also didn’t want to shove him away. I didn’t know if we’d ever have another close moment like this again, and I’d always wanted my brother and I to be more like… well, brothers.
He’d always had Wyatt as his best friend, practically his brother. And the two of them had always been way closer than we’d ever been.
For a long time, I was jealous of their relationship. But then Wyatt went and killed himself and I don’t think Bear ever forgave him for it. So suddenly there was room for me to be his brother, and I couldn’t decide if I wanted to accept it now, of if it was too little, too late.
Either way, I didn’t have to make a decision at this exact moment. I brushed Bear off and stood, eyes going down to the kids.
“Should probably go supervise or something, right?” I asked, not entirely sure.
Bear chuckled at me and nodded. “Sure, we can go watch them.”
14
Tenley
It was probably about six hours later when I decided to text Knight and find out if he was ready for me to pick up Cal yet.
If you want, was his answer.
That was surprising. To be honest, I’d expected to receive non-stop messages from either him or Cal, begging me to end this experiment. But they’d both been quiet as church mice since I dropped him off and I was suspicious.
What was Knight doing with my son that could keep him entertained for so long? He didn’t have any experience with kids as far as I knew. But maybe he was a natural.
My heart sped up at the thought of Knight being a good dad. It had never been a consideration before. I assumed he wouldn’t be because he was…. him. Maybe I was wrong? Maybe there was something in him, something more responsible than I’d given him credit for?
I thought about Knight being more mature, more responsible, owning that garage he’d had his eyes set on forever. But then I also remembered him standing me up, a sloppy drunk when I showed up, beer cans littering his house.
He wasn’t that different. Maybe he was able to contain it for a few hours for Cal’s sake, but I couldn’t let him fool me again. He was still Knight, he was still the ball of trouble he’d always been and I couldn’t forget that.
I knocked on his door and waited a minute, then knocked again. Knight opened the door and looked back fast.
“Hurry, hide all the drugs and guns, your mom’s here,” he said, turning to grin at me.
I rolled my eyes. “Is he ready to go?”
“Yeah, just let me cover up the tattoo we got him,” he said, still grinning.
I scoffed. “Come on Cal, time to go home.”
Cal pushed his way past Knight, then turned to him. “I’m going to see you again, right?” he asked trying to put on a brave face, I could tell, even if his eyes were looking worried.
Knight nodded and ruffled his hair. “You bet. You’re in town now, so we should be able to hang out lots.”
Cal grinned and hugged him tight before scampering off to the car.
I arched a brow at Knight, expecting him to tell me that it was harder than he expected, or that he couldn’t do it again.
“Have a good night, El,” he said, slipping back into his house, closing the door behind him.
I shivered at the old nickname. He hadn’t used it at all since I got back to Rockford, but of course he’d tease me with it now. Make me question the wisdom of cutting him out of my life for good.
Damn that man.
I had to act like he didn’t get to me though. I shook it off and headed to the car, getting in and buckling my seatbelt before confirming Cal had done the same.
“So, did you have a good time with your dad?” I asked, hands tight on the wheel. At least if I got him talking, he wouldn’t notice how weird I was acting. He wouldn’t see how my eyes kept flicking to the rear-view mirror, wondering if I’d catch a glimpse of Knight coming out to watch me drive away.
It was crazy, and I knew it was, and yet, I was still doing it.
“Yeah! We had so much fun. We went to a baseball game and I have an uncle and cousins—”
“So, you met Bear, huh?” I asked. At least Bear was a more stabilizing influence than Knight. I could hope. He was married and had a baby now. That was something.
Cal had a million stories to tell me about their day, and it was easy to let him babble on and on while I was carried away by my own thoughts. He was ecstatic, so hyped up. He’d clearly had the time of his life and I didn’t know why a part of me was bothered by it.
I wanted Cal to be happy. Any good parent would. And I wanted him to have a good relationship with his dad, even if his dad was the last guy on the planet I should be talking to. I wante
d things to go well, but the fact that they were only made me feel worse about keeping them apart for so long. At least if this day had been a disaster, I could point to it and say, ‘See? That’s why I never told him.’
But Knight had gone and proved me wrong. He made me look like a villain and I was starting to wonder if maybe I was. Maybe I should have brought them together sooner.
The thought left a knot in my throat I didn’t know how to get past. I knew the kind of guy Knight could be, and I knew how sweet my baby boy was. I didn’t want Knight ruining that. I didn’t want him turning Cal into a miniature version of himself.
I didn’t want my son knocking up his girlfriend at fifteen.
We got home and I headed to the kitchen to pour myself a glass of wine. It wasn’t quite time for dinner yet, there were still a few hours, but I needed something to help me unwind, to unravel these tangled nerves that twisted themselves into knots all day long. I picked up my phone, half-hoping for something from Knight even though I knew I shouldn’t.
The only person that had texted me though was my sister.
Heading to Rockford to meet with a couple. Can I come by for dinner? She texted about an hour before, so she’d probably be half-way here by now.
I groaned looking at the text, knowing that the ‘couple’ Kait was meeting was probably nothing more than a ruse to come see me and be nosy about me and Knight. Not really something I wanted to deal with, but it didn’t seem like I was going to get a choice in the matter.
Sure, I texted back, nothing more than that. At least then she’d know I was onto her. Cal was in the kitchen with me, telling me all about something cool his cousin Dallas had done while he poured himself a glass of lemonade from the fridge.
“You should’ve seen it, Mom,” he said, eyes sparkling.
I tried to put on a brave face for him, smiled, ruffled his hair. “I bet it was awesome.”
I didn’t even know what he’d told me. I’d been too distracted with thinking about how to not tell Kait any more than I wanted to. Though I knew that was a waste of effort. Kait had a way of weaseling things out of me. Especially in person.
A Baby for the Daddy: Boys of Rockford Series Page 8