Over the phone, she couldn’t see the faces I made and the things that gave me away when I was trying to keep something from her. It was much easier that way.
But in person? No way. My sister might as well have been a lie detector for the CIA. There was no way a single detail would escape her grasp and I knew it.
That explained the sour taste in the back of my throat.
“Hey, why don’t you go up and get cleaned up, hmm? Your Aunt Kait’s coming over for dinner,” I said, sipping my wine, watching his face light up.
Cal loved his Aunt Kait. Who didn’t? Kaitlyn had always been the golden child, the beautiful one, the popular one, the one that was always perfectly put-together, polished, and proper.
Unlike me, the black sheep no one really wanted to talk about.
But Cal and Kait had always gotten along really well — probably something to do with how she always had a little token or trinket for him when she came by, but also because she took his side in the crusade against me when necessary.
“She’s coming here? She knows where we are?”
I laughed. “It’s not a secret, bud.”
His face twisted up. “Well, yeah, but…”
“But what?”
He shook his head. “Never mind,” he said, starting to leave.
I reached out and grabbed him by the arm, pulling him back. “But what?” I asked again, searching his expression, trying to figure out what was eating at my boy.
He sighed and looked away. “I know I wasn’t supposed to hear…”
Oh God. The number of things he could have heard that he wasn’t supposed to was overwhelming. Which one was it? Panic raced through me like there was a prize at the finish line, but it was on a circular track, spinning me round and round.
“What’d you hear, babe?” I asked softly, letting my hand drop from his arm.
He looked down and bit his lip, the overhead light highlighting his freckled nose. “It was a while back, but I heard Grandma, Grandpa and Aunt Kait talking about my dad…”
“Oh,” I said, relief rushing through me even though I tried not to show it while my shoulders sagged. I frowned for his sake and pulled out the chair next to me. “Do you wanna talk about it?”
He made a face and shrugged. “Why do they hate him so much?” he asked. “I thought God said to love everyone, even if they do something bad.”
Oh boy. I had no idea how to go about this talk, but it was bound to come up sooner or later.
“He does,” I nodded, taking a deep breath and patting the empty seat again. This time, he sat down, his face still twisted in that confused frown. “You know, it’s hard sometimes to forgive people. That’s why it’s so amazing that God can forgive everyone, that he loves us all enough to do that. Humans… We’re not as good at it. That’s why we’ve got to really work at it. When someone hurts us, it can be hard to remember that it might be because they’re hurting.”
“Like the lion with the thorn in his paw?” he asked, recalling one of his old favorite bedtime stories.
“Exactly. He was hurt, so he roared and roared and even hurt people that tried to help him. Grandma and Grandpa… Even Aunt Kait, they’re all still hurt by things your dad did, and I think it’s hard for them to love him enough to forgive him.”
Cal still frowned, but I could see understanding in his eyes as he nodded at me. “So, we just have to show them that he’s lovable,” Cal said, gears working in his mind.
“Oh, hon, I don’t know if that’s really worth your time.”
He gave me a flat look. “He’s my dad, Mom.”
“I know,” I said, wrapping him into a sitting hug. “You’ve got such a big heart. The world would be a way better place if there were more people like you.”
Cal shook his head. “I think people are like me. They just have to figure it out.”
I smiled at him sadly, wishing I could preserve that wide-eyed innocence and optimism. He had such wonderful ideas about people and hope in humanity. I hated that one day the world was going to beat it out of him.
“Go take a shower,” I said, wrinkling my nose at him. “You know Aunt Kait’s not going to want to hug you when you’re all dirty.” Not in her designer duds that cost more than I made in a month.
Cal didn’t argue or make a face that time, he just scampered off up the stairs and I was left thinking about what we’d talked about. About the rest of our family and their treatment of Knight.
Cal didn’t know how much we’d all gone through, what it was like back then, but he knew Knight now, and he saw a guy he worshiped, so I understood why he couldn’t stomach the idea of his family hating the guy.
Still, I hated to tell him that I didn’t think my parents’ view of Knight would ever change. My father made up his mind — and once made, it never changed — and my mother always went along with my father. It was infuriating, but it had always been that way. Even when my dad was ripping me away from everything and everyone I’d ever known. Mom never stood up to him or said he was being unreasonable. The bible made the man the head of the household and he got to make all the rules.
I hated it.
But once I was out and able to make my own rules, my relationship with both of my parents improved drastically. They loved Cal more than anything, so that didn’t hurt. I figured we’d always have a strained relationship, but at least Cal got along with them.
It was only half an hour later when there was a knock on the door, followed by the doorbell ringing three times in quick succession.
She never could help herself.
I scoffed as I headed to the door and opened to greet my sister — looking fabulous as always. There had been a time when I’d been insanely jealous of Kait’s fashion sense and how she looked amazing in everything, but I’d made peace with it over time. I was used to being the frumpy sister, but I could still look cute when I wanted to. I’d just never be gorgeous like Kaitlyn was.
She whipped off her designer sunglasses and wrapped me in a big hug, grinning. “Nice place,” she said, walking right in, kicking off her red-bottom pumps.
“Thanks. It’s only ours for a couple of months, but I like it.”
She nodded, then gave me a pointed look. I knew what she wanted, but I wasn’t giving it to her that easily.
“So, how was the couple you met?”
“Fine,” she said.
“Have a lot of weddings coming up?” I knew summer was the busy season for a wedding planner, but Kait never seemed stressed.
“Enough,” she answered, smirking, still giving me that pointed look as she sat down on the couch and crossed her legs.
I groaned and sat down with her. “What do you want?”
Her grin just grew. “I want the details of all the dumbass choices you’re making out here.”
I growled through my clenched teeth and shook my head. “You’ve got a real way of making someone feel supported, you know?”
“You want support, you need a better bra. I’m your sister, I’m supposed to give you shit.”
I rolled my eyes and huffed. “I need more wine for this,” I said, leaving for the kitchen.
“I’ll take one too,” she called after me.
I came back with the glasses and drank almost half of mine with an unsteady hand before I started telling her everything that had happened up until then. Everything from Cal running away, to seeing Knight in the hospital, getting stood up, going over to his place… I didn’t have to fill in the blanks there, and I didn’t have the courage to look at her, for fear of judgment I’d see written all over her face.
Finally, when I was done outlining everything for her in more detail than I wished to share, I reached for my wine glass again.
Kaitlyn was quiet for a long moment, looking at me, and it made me squirm. It made me want to dodge out of her glance and hide because I felt like she was seeing way too much of me.
“You’re still in love with him, aren’t you?” she asked, the softest of whispers.
/>
I brought the wine glass to my lips and drained the whole thing, not sure what I was going to say when I opened my mouth again.
“Aunt Kait?” Cal called from the top of the stairs, saving me from saying anything at all. I let out a breath.
“I’m down here, bud,” she called back, giving me a look that said we weren’t finished. But it didn’t matter, because Cal was barreling down the stairs to greet her.
They joked and laughed and play-wrestled before Kait pulled out a gift for him — one of those old-fashioned gyroscopes you got going with a string. He had no idea what it was, so she taught him how to work it, and I decided that was as good a time as any to head off for the kitchen to start dinner. They could distract each other and I could be alone with my thoughts.
But was that really what I wanted? My thoughts were awfully confusing these days. There was too much going on, too much jumbled up in there, too many knots to ever untangle.
And now, my beloved sister had added another. As I was pulling things out of the fridge to prep for dinner, I couldn’t stop thinking about her question, the only one she’d seen fit to ask: was I still in love with Knight?
The question got a knee-jerk reaction out of me. I wanted to deny it immediately and scoff and act like it was the craziest thing in the world, but was it?
Knight had been my first… My first everything and seeing him again after all these years — it didn’t feel like that spark had gone anywhere.
But there was a big difference between puppy love at fifteen and real love as an adult. What I was feeling was probably more nostalgia or wishing for a different outcome. I don’t know, but I didn’t think I could possibly be in love with Knight. He drove me crazy. He infuriated me, he had no concept of commitment or monogamy…
I’d heard the rumors about him. I hadn’t been in town long, but it didn’t take much when people saw me and made the old connection. I’d gotten an earful about his exploits and I’m not sure he’ll ever change. Or that he’d ever want to. He wasn’t stable partnership material, so no matter how it could be described for what I was feeling, it was irrelevant because I was only interacting with Knight for Cal’s sake and nothing more.
15
Knight
I had enough pills from the doctor to last a week or so, but I was finally out of them and had the all-clear to go back to my normal life. The gash on my head was mostly healed, just a jagged red line of newly-formed skin, slightly shiny with the scar.
I was so grateful that I could finally get out of the damn house. Without being able to ride my bike, I was going stir-crazy, and I was desperate for fresh air, mountain breezes, and sunshine on my face. I was looking pale from all my time inside, and I was getting antsy about not being at the shop.
I decided I could go for a ride and check on it, kill two birds with one stone, clear my head, stop wondering why it had been a couple days since I heard from Tenley or the kid.
I was trying not to think about that. Trying to keep my mind on other things. Wasn’t easy cooped up in the house, but once I was out on the open road with nothing between me and the pavement but my bike? Well, hopefully it would get easier to stop thinking about other things.
The moment I stepped into the garage, I remembered the last time I was in here — with Cal. He was in awe over the bike, so excited to get on her. I couldn’t wait to show him how to ride. To take him out when he was old enough and let him go for it. Maybe I could get him a Motocross bike or something in a couple of years, we could go out and ride the dirt trails…
It sounded like fun.
It also sounded like I was thinking about the future, which was one of the things I’d sworn off of. The future was a dark and mysterious thing that I didn’t want any part of. It required planning and facing up to consequences, all kinds of bullshit I never had time for.
But for the first time, it also included shit I wanted to look forward to.
That was different.
I knew better than to hold on to that too tight. I knew that my access to Cal was restricted and up to Tenley. If she wanted to, she could make sure that we never saw each other again. At least not until he was eighteen and could do what he wanted — or snuck away from her again.
That was the only hope I had. The kid had enough of me in him to never take no for an answer. He wasn’t going to let Tenley keep him from something he wanted, no matter how much he loved her and respected her as his mom. He was still going to chase his dreams.
Why the hell his dreams involved meeting me, I’d never know.
Well, all right, that wasn’t entirely fair. I did know. I expected he was wrong about me. Every kid without a mom or dad dreamed of what they’d be like, fantasized and painted this picture in their head.
And I knew that I couldn’t be anything like the picture he’d had. There was no way I was a hero or role model like he thought. I was another guy who didn’t know what the hell he was doing in life, trying to figure it out as I went along.
I growled under my breath as I opened the garage door and walked the bike out to the driveway, closing the door again. I needed to get away from there, away from those thoughts, away from feeling so damned sorry for myself. Once I was outside though, I could see someone walking up the sidewalk toward my house. Fake blonde hair shone in the sun, and I knew I recognized the girl, but for the life of me I couldn’t remember her name. I thought she might be strolling past, but she turned up my driveway, sauntering right for me and I couldn’t push back the annoyance.
I wanted to be left alone and I didn’t know what she could possibly want.
“Hey Knight,” she said, walking right up to the front of the bike, legs straddling the front tire so I couldn’t go anywhere. “Haven’t seen you in a while.”
I pointed to the scar on my head. “Had a little accident,” I grumbled.
She shrugged. “Scars are hot,” she said, leaning forward, pushing her tits over my windshield, trying to get them right in my face — and she would’ve too, if I hadn’t backed up, making a face.
The bimbo scowled at me, straightening up, leveling me with a dark, accusatory look. “Who’s your new whore, Knight?”
I was taken aback and scowled. “What?”
“The new bitch you’re fucking. That’s the reason I haven’t heard from you, isn’t it? Why you haven’t answered any of my calls or invited me over again?”
“Not that it’s any of your fucking business, but there isn’t anyone,” I muttered, hands working the handlebars, debating whether or not she’d jump out of the way scared if I revved the engine.
“Then why don’t you want to have any fun with me?” she pouted, sticking her lower lip out exaggeratedly. It looked ridiculous. She looked ridiculous. If this was how she normally picked up guys, it made me weep for my half of the species. It was pathetic.
I started the bike and walked back from her so she wasn’t blocking me anymore.
“I don’t do leftovers,” I said, pulling a helmet on. “You should get out of here.”
Before she could answer, I pulled out of the driveway, leaving her in a cloud of exhaust. If she called after me, I couldn’t hear her over the roar of the engine. I wouldn’t have cared what she had to say anyway. I didn’t even remember who she was. I was sure we’d fucked. Hell, maybe we’d fucked multiple times and I couldn’t even remember, but what I knew was that I wasn’t interested now.
The road rose up to meet my tires, the bike vibrated under me, the force of it making my whole body shake. The air was crisp and warm, the slightest tang of ozone in the air warning of an impending storm. It was perfect, but it wasn’t clearing my head like I’d hoped.
Instead, now I was wondering why I’d just tossed that girl aside like yesterday’s newspaper. She was throwing herself at me, offering herself up on a platter, and I walked away. I turned my back on perfectly good ass, and there was no good reason for it.
Tenley, a voice in my head said, like I was being ridiculous.
Of
course, Tenley. But Tenley wanted nothing to fucking do with me anymore, so I needed to stop being so hung up on her. I needed to stop thinking about that night when she showed up at my place and attacked me like a wildcat. I needed to stop thinking about how gorgeous she was spread out on my bed, creamy thighs parted for me, sex glistening in the dim light, her rosy nipples hard and begging me to suck on them.
I needed to stop thinking about how she responded to me too. How her body shuddered and arched toward me, how she whimpered and cried my name. I needed to forget the sweet sounds of her release, echoing in my brain ever since. I needed to forget the taste of her, the sweet floral scent of her. I needed all of it to go the fuck away, because I didn’t have a chance.
And I probably shouldn’t have had a chance.
I’d ruined Tenley’s life enough once already. And for that, she was doing pretty well for herself. She seemed to have a steady life going without any help from me, and that was probably how she’d prefer to keep it.
As good and sweet and perfect as Tenley seemed, I knew the truth. I knew that she was the one that kept Cal from me for twelve years, and it still made me furious. It still made my blood heat up, my pulse beating too fast. Thinking about all those lost years, how much work went into keeping it a lie from me… It’s unbearable. It makes me want to make Tenley pay for what she’d done to both of us, but I could never bring myself to be that vindictive. Not when it came to her. She meant too much to me. Always had.
No matter how much I wished she didn’t.
I pulled off at the shop long enough to make sure no one had busted it up or burned it to the ground. There was plenty of work waiting for me, but my head wasn’t at all in the right place to do anything about it. I looked around at the old building, thinking about those simpler times. The times when Bear and I would spend hours on end working on the bike, shooting the shit, drinking beers in secret.
A Baby for the Daddy: Boys of Rockford Series Page 9