But I knew there was something much less put-together under Tenley’s good girl exterior. I knew there was a bad girl hiding under there, and I think that was what drove me crazy more than anything else. Knowing what was under there and knowing I didn’t have a chance in hell at having a taste of it again.
I fumbled with the bottle of aspirin, downing four with my Gatorade, hoping that’s enough to ward off the headache and hangover I knew wouldn’t be far behind.
Off of six fucking beers.
What kind of lightweight was I?
Maybe I was getting older. I always heard the old-timers talking about that shit. Saying they couldn’t keep up the way they used to. Couldn’t recover the way they used to. I always laughed at it. Thought they were just complaining like old people were want to do.
But maybe there was something to it. I was only twenty-eight, but hell, maybe my wild lifestyle was catching up to me already.
That was a scary thought. I wasn’t ready to buckle down and stop having fun. That wasn’t me. That wasn’t what my life was about.
This is what you call fun? A snide voice in my head asked, as I looked around at the mess in my place. I mentally flipped the voice the bird and headed out to the garage.
I pulled up the text Tenley had sent me and looked at the address. It wasn’t far. Close enough I could walk and not risk my bike with the way I was feeling. Risking my neck doing dumb shit was one thing, but my bike? Nah, I’d never endanger her if I could help it. She was precious, and I wasn’t steady-handed enough to handle her properly. I’d walk. Wouldn’t kill me. Maybe the fresh air would even help.
Of course, when I got outside into the sunlight, I regretted the decision immediately. The sun seemed to be extra bright, just to taunt me. It seemed to be shining extra just on me. The opposite of having your own personal storm cloud to follow you around. I seemed to have a ray of light that just wanted to be my best friend and I could barely stand to keep my eyes open as I walked.
Once I turned down Tenley’s street though, the sidewalk was shaded with old-growth trees, their branches hanging low over the sidewalk, little spots of light peeking through the leaves, making the concrete polka-dotted with sunshine.
There were birds chirping and tittering, squirrels chasing each other and racing up and down trees, sending the neighborhood dogs into a frenzy of barking. As I walked past one of the houses, a gray tabby cat jumped up on a fence post and walked alongside me until I got to the end of its yard when it jumped back down to the grass.
This was life in Rockford. Quiet, peaceful, simple. It was a life I’d always hated. I’d always wanted something more exciting, more dangerous, maybe even death-defying. But I was looking at things a little differently now that Cal was a part of my life. I was thinking about his future, trying to make good childhood memories for him, and looking at it through that lens… Well, Rockford didn’t look too bad. There were worse places in the world to grow up.
Like almost three hours away from his dad.
The thought soured my mood. I’d been trying to avoid thinking about how this whole thing as temporary, how Tenley and Cal would be leaving in just a few weeks. At most, I had six weeks of summer before they both went back to whatever town they’d been hiding out in, and I couldn’t walk to see my kid anymore.
It still amazed me how quickly I’d accepted that he was mine. How possessive I was about him. I’d never considered being a dad before, but now that I was, it didn’t seem like the worst thing in the world. Maybe it was my way of making a positive impact on the planet for a change. I’d done more than my fair share to fuck things up, maybe Cal was my shot at redemption. Raising him right, helping him grow up to be a good and decent man — maybe that’s the best I could hope for out of my life.
Tenley answered the front door about five seconds after I knocked, and she took my breath away immediately. I was stuck on her front step, staring like an idiot. She was wearing khaki mom-shorts that stopped just above the knee, but they hugged her hips — and I was willing to bet her ass — to perfection, and the frilly little tank-top she was wearing teased with only the slightest hint of cleavage, but it was enough to make my mouth water. Her creamy soft skin on display, the jewel tone working against her complexion like magic.
“Didn’t hear you come up,” she said, looking past me for the bike.
I shrugged. “Walked, you’re not far from my place, you know.”
She made a face. “I know,” she said, then turned away from me to shout up the stairs. “Cal! Your dad’s here. I’ll be back in a few hours. I love you, be good, call me if you need anything,” she called.
“Love you!” Cal called back, and then Tenley pushed past me and raced down the driveway to her car. She seemed annoyed, and I briefly wondered who’d pissed her off — pretty sure it wasn’t me this time — but then Cal was tackling me with a hug and I forgot all about her.
“I’m glad you weren’t busy,” he said, pulling back and grinning.
“Did you think I’d be too busy to hang out with you?” I asked, flattered that it would have upset him had that been the case. Despite my confidence, I was still sure this kid was going to see right through me and end up hating me the way I hated my own old man. I really hoped it wouldn’t come to that. I knew I was a fuck-up, but I wanted to try my best with Cal. I really did.
“Do you play video games?” he asked, changing the subject. I chuckled at the mention of it, because that was pretty much the exact reason I’d used for why I should be here instead of at my place.
“Not really, but I’m willing to try.”
Cal grinned. “It’s easy, don’t worry.”
I laughed. “I’m pretty sure you’re gonna smoke me, bud.”
“We’ll be on the same team!” he said, running up the stairs, clearly expecting me to follow.
The room that he’d been using at this subleased house looked like it probably belonged to a kid a few years older than him, but it had all the gaming stuff he could want, and a couple of big bean-bag chairs on the floor for sitting even closer to the TV. Clearly sitting ten-feet away from a fifty-inch was still too far.
We plopped down on the bean bag chairs and Cal started to get everything set up. He handed me a controller and proudly said, “I’ll be player one, since I know what to do.”
I didn’t argue.
Our characters were dropped onto a playing field full of obstacles and barriers. Cal told me our goal was to capture the other team’s flag — and shoot them in the process to keep them from ours — but all I seemed to manage was walking into walls repeatedly and falling off the edge of the map. Every time that happened, Cal dissolved into laughter and tried to coach me a bit more.
It would have been way more frustrating if he wasn’t clearly having such a good time.
After a few matches, I was able to move around and shoot, though aiming was still dodgy, and I had no clue where the flag was. It was fun. It was growing on me. Probably didn’t hurt that I was enjoying the company.
“So, what’s life like with just you and your mom? Does she ever have anyone else around to help out?” I asked, trying to test the waters, see if Tenley had been dating anyone. I didn’t think she was — at least not after that one night we spent together, though it could have been a lapse of judgment, seeing how she’d been treating me ever since.
Who was I kidding? Sleeping with me was always a lapse in judgment.
Cal shrugged. “She doesn’t really have a life,” he said, blasting one of our enemies right off the map.
“Nice one,” I said, earning a smile from him.
“Mostly Mom spends time with Grandpa and Grandma… And Aunt Kaitlyn.”
“I remember her,” I said, thinking back to the few times I’d talked to Kaitlyn. “Does she still hate me?”
Cal frowned, his face scrunching up. “My mom says they don’t hate you, they just don’t know how to forgive you.”
I sighed. “That’s fair. I wasn’t always a nice guy.”
He shrugged. “Mom’s never dated anyone either,” he added, like he knew that was what I was fishing for. Or he wanted me to have that tidbit.
The kid was growing on me like a weed.
“What about you? What do you do for fun besides video games?”
His eyes went wide. “I can only play video games for an hour a day during the school year,” he said, almost making me feel bad for the kid. I understood why that was a rule, I’d heard about kids — and adults — getting hooked on these things and having legit addiction problems. They had rehabs for video games these days, and teaching kids about moderation early on was probably the way to go.
I’d never doubted Tenley’s choices as a mother when it came to Cal’s development and well-being. I knew she couldn’t do everything herself, but she sure as hell seemed to be doing a damn good job trying.
“I always wanted to play sports, but Grandpa says they distract from church activities because a lot of the games are on Sundays.”
I frowned, grip tightening on the controller. There it was again. Them shoving this church stuff down his throat when it never worked the way they wanted. They were trying to control Cal the same way they’d tried to control Tenley, and look at how well that worked out.
But I couldn’t let that happen. I didn’t care if the kid wanted to be a part of the church and do all that stuff. That’s cool, it was his choice. But it wasn’t what he wanted. Or at least, not the only thing he wanted. He deserved to try out his options and make his own choices. He was old enough for that.
“I bet Bear and Dallas would be happy to play baseball with us sometime,” I offered, still thinking about looking for a summer league for him, though it might have been too late. I didn’t know how those things worked, I just knew that every time I rode past the park in the summer, there was a game going on. Surely one of them would have room for Cal. Even if I had to ask every coach in this town.
“That would be cool,” Cal said, annihilating the guy carrying our flag away. That ended the match and victory popped on up on the screen.
I just hoped it wasn’t a premature celebration.
18
Tenley
I left the house in a hurry without looking back. I couldn’t handle it anymore. I’d dealt with it as long as I could, I’d ignored how annoyed I was with my sister, with my mother, with everything for as long as I could, but I couldn’t take it anymore. I’d reached the end of my rope.
When I called Knight to watch Cal, I didn’t have any errands to run. I didn’t have any plans at all. All I knew was that my kid was going to figure out something was up sooner or later if I didn’t get a handle on myself.
I’d said a little prayer and hoped that Knight would be willing to watch him on such short notice. It was surprising how willing he was. He didn’t seem to hesitate at all. I’d always heard stories about other single moms dealing with their kids’ dads, and they’d made it seem like a chore to get the dad to spend any time with the kid. They’d talk about how they had to beg just so the kid wouldn’t know their dad was such a jerk.
I’d always expected to have to do the same with Knight if I ever tried.
Of course, he had to go and prove me wrong. He had to make me look like a villain, again, when I’d only ever been trying to do what I thought was right.
But I wasn’t so sure anymore.
I wanted to kill Kaitlyn. That I was sure of. Not only did she have the nerve to butt into my life and squeeze information out of me, but then she turned around and blabbed it all to our mother. What the hell?
The drive back to her place would take too long, though. I probably couldn’t maintain this level of anger for the whole two and a half hours.
Not to mention I was pretty sure that Kaitlyn was way stronger than me. With all the time she had for Pilates and whatever else she did to maintain the figure that made me insanely jealous. I was pretty sure Kait could take me in an actual fight, and I didn’t need to deal with having any broken bones or recovery time right now, so fighting her would just have to wait.
Maybe I could find some other way to exact my revenge upon her.
Instead, after I left the house, I found myself driving up the mountain. When I was growing up in Rockford, this mountain always seemed magical. It rose up to touch the sky no matter where you were in town. It was always visible, always looming there as a protector of sorts. In the winter, it kept most of the nasty weather at bay. In the summer, the mountain kept our town blanketed in shade.
I realized I’d just thought of Rockford as ‘our’ town, like I belonged here.
But I didn’t. I was only here for Cal. For the summer so he could spend time with his dad. There was nothing here for me. Nothing to come back to.
But the mountain — Eagle Peak — still welcomed me all the same as I drove through the winding, twisting roads that took me higher and higher up until I had to stretch my jaw for my ears to pop.
The road narrowed to where I’d pull off to the shoulder to let someone pass from the other direction, but there was no one out here. Not at this time of day. Most people were down at the lake or the river, enjoying summer activities like swimming and rafting. The mountain wouldn’t get busy until there was snow. There’d be people hiking, but the best trails started lower down on the mountain and I was near the peak.
There was a pull-off where I could park, and the dirt trail that wove through tall grass and wildflowers, under dense tree cover until I got to a clearing.
And what a clearing it was. It stretched straight out to the sheer edge of a cliff, a guardrail drilled down into the mountainside to prevent accidental falls. There were signs all over, warning about the drop-off, but I wasn’t worried about it. I wasn’t going to be moving all that much. I just wanted to sit and think. I found myself a boulder with a nice flat spot that seemed suitable for sitting. The rock was warm under my butt, soaked with sunlight, and I faced the vista, trying to breathe it all in.
Hundreds of feet below me was the town, all the people I knew there, all the problems I had, all the memories, all the regrets. Up here, they seemed smaller, further away, but they weren’t far enough. They’d never be.
Not until I fixed this mess I’d made.
But I wasn’t sure it could be fixed. I wasn’t sure there was anything to do but try to muddle through.
The wind crept around the mountain peak and brushed through my hair, lifting it from my neck, caressing me gently. I shivered and gathered my hair to one side, twisting it so it wouldn’t fly away.
The way it barely touched me, the way it made me shiver, it made me think of Knight.
And thinking of Knight was the quickest way to send me into a downward spiral. Because thinking of him made me think of all the decisions I’d made the last dozen or so years. It reminded me how I’d abandoned him, kept Cal from him, and never tried to make it right.
Would I have ever told him if Cal hadn’t run away to see him?
I didn’t know, honestly. And that broke me more than anything.
Tears started streaming down my face, my chest aching, everything inside of me so empty.
I saw the way they acted together, how much they seemed to enjoy each other’s company, and the guilt was crushing. It wasn’t only that I’d kept Knight from Cal, but I’d kept Cal from Knight too. I thought I was protecting him. Thought I was saving him the heartache, even though he talked about his dad every single day and never stopped asking questions.
I’d kept them apart, thinking I was protecting my kid, but all I was doing was hurting him.
I swiped at the tears, but they didn’t stop. They didn’t slow. I hugged my knees to my chest, resting my cheek on them, crying in the sunlight while the wind tried to dry my eyes.
I hated feeling so sorry for myself. So conflicted. I felt guilty, but I wasn’t keeping them apart anymore. Surely that counted for something. I’d moved us here for the summer because I wanted to make things right — okay, and partly because I was sure that Kni
ght would screw it up and I’d be done with the whole thing.
But he wasn’t screwing it up. If anything, he was making it harder for us to leave when we eventually had to.
I still hadn’t told Knight that Cal asked about him every day. And that was before he’d met him. Now that they’d hung out, it was hard to get Cal to talk about anything else. Knight needed to know. He needed to know what was at stake here before he got cavalier and flippant and wound up hurting our son.
Our. There was that word again.
Before I’d come back to Rockford, it was always my son. My kid. And I know he’s Knight’s too, but Knight hadn’t been around — not that it was his fault, obviously. But thinking of things in terms of us and ours sent a shiver through me. An illicit reminder of the life we had before.
You were fifteen, I scolded myself, trying to imprint how ridiculous it was to still be pining after something from so many years ago.
I wasn’t the other night, I rebutted to that voice. And it was true. When I’d gone to Knight’s house the other night, I’d been fully aware of what I was doing, and I hadn’t stopped myself at all. I knew the complications that it would cause, and I went with it anyway.
I went with my own selfish wants instead of thinking about the bigger picture and how it could affect Cal.
Knight and I spending any more time together was bound to be a disaster. Knight wasn’t the monogamous commitment type, and I wasn’t the one-night of fun type. He’d changed after I left, became the man-whore people had always accused him of even though back then we only had eyes for each other.
I shook my head at the memory, of how silly and naive we were to think that we were in love at fifteen. To think that we had something real that could stand the test of time. It was silly. It was hormones and rebelliousness and puppy love. Nothing more.
Is that why you couldn’t answer Kait? The sneering voice in my head tossed out at me, reminding me of my sister ’s question of whether I was still in love with him.
A Baby for the Daddy: Boys of Rockford Series Page 11