Off Limits

by Delilah Wilde

  “Come on, don't be like that Ruby,” he said. “I'm just dicking around. Plus, even if you think I'm a total asshole I don't know too many girls who can say no to chocolate chip pancakes.”

  I sighed. He had me there. Working as a freelance artist wasn't exactly a one way ticket to riches. My regular breakfasts usually consisted of a cup of instant black coffee and a slice of white toast with a sliver of butter. All that food sounded incredible. Knowing that I'd be eating it next to a sexy guy, well, that helped too.

  “OK OK, I'll stay for breakfast.”

  “Great!” he said, and I could see a genuine smile on his face. At least food would be a good distraction. The last thing I needed was for him to initiate any more sexy activities. When he touched me, even innocently on the shoulder, I felt myself losing control of myself in a way that I never had with Jeff, or anyone else for that matter. It unnerved me. I hated not being in control of my own emotions. Besides, my life was sad enough already without me falling in love with a one night stand. So despite laying naked next in his arms I tried my best to keep the conversation strictly platonic. We could talk about the weather, politics, and knitting. Any unsexy topic would do.

  "So...you think it's gonna rain today?" I asked, and he looked at me like I had two heads. God damn it, he could already tell how crazy about him that I was. I just prayed that he wouldn't comment on it, or worse, make fun of me.

  "Probably not," he answered politely, as if we were two strangers making small talk in an elevator. I wanted distance, sure, but this was too much. I still wanted to know him. I wracked my brains for something a little more personal to say as an awkward silence filled the room.

  "Tell me about your tattoos?" I asked, and his face suddenly lit up. He proceeded to take me on a whistle stop tour of his personal art collection. There were a lot of snakes, panthers and tigers. Dangerous animals that reminded me of Nate himself, though I kept that thought quiet. The snake that wrapped around his forearm was his latest addition. It was scary, a ferocious cobra, but there was something I liked about it. Then Nate pointed at a small tattoo his chest. It was faded, barely legible and certainly not as well done as the others. I could just about see that it was a four leafed clover.

  "This one was my first. I got it when I was like fifteen. My friend bought a tattoo machine online and I let him practice on me. It looks like shit and my current tattoo artist cringes every time he sees it but fuck, I wouldn't get it covered up or lazered off for the world," he said.

  There was something endearingly earnest about the way he was speaking now, I hadn't seen him like that before. It made my heart beat just a little bit faster and I wondered if Nate and I had met as teenagers would we have been sweethearts. Probably not. I was the type of girl who wore head to toe black in a pathetic attempt to appear edgy. Nate was the type of guy who actually did the kind of crazy, interesting things that I had only seen characters in books and movies do. Of course, I couldn't let him know where my mind had gone.

  "That sounds like a very...touching story. Unhygienic, but touching," I said, and he rolled his eyes at me, though there was a little smirk on his face.

  "Are you always this bitchy, Ruby?" he asked. I shrugged, not taking it personally. He wasn't the first person to ever ask me that question. I was used to it by now.

  "Yeah, pretty much. I like to keep people in check," I said, "Just because you're handsome doesn't mean I'll let you walk all over me."

  The last sentence slipped out before I could stop it and Nate's smirk extended into a huge smile.

  "You think I'm handsome?" he said smugly, "I'm sorry, but did you just admit to finding me handsome?"

  I could feel myself blushing now. I was probably completely crimson but I tried to look as dignified as I could.

  "It's not like you don't know you are," I said.

  "Of course I know I am, but it's great to hear you admit it!" he said. I tried to pull away from him but he only pulled me closer. Suddenly I was looking into those green eyes again and I could feel my guard coming down. My heart told me he was special. My head told me that he was a player. He leaned in for a kiss and I let him go ahead, his hand caressing my face. You'll be a crying wreck when he never contacts you again, I told myself, but right now I didn't care. I could have went on kissing him like that forever, but my damn stomach had to interrupt. It grumbled so loudly that the two of us had to pull away to laugh.

  "Hungry, huh?" said Nate, and I nodded, still giggling. It felt amazing to share laughter with him like that. Still, he probably laughed with all his girls. Right before he gave them a goodbye fuck and never called them again. My laughter suddenly subsided and the two of us sat in silence for a while, though Nate's arms still stayed tight around my body.

  My cell phone beeped to show that I had a text. I'd left it on Nate's bedside locker so he passed it over to me, though I saw him glancing at who it is who contacted me.

  "Jeff?" he said, and I groaned, switching my cell phone off as soon as he gave it to me. I threw it on the floor. Jeff was the last person I needed to deal with right now.

  "Who's Jeff?"

  "Jeff is nobody," I said, "At least, not anymore."

  "Ah, your ex who fucked another girl?" he said.

  I had to give him kudos for remembering that, though I wished more than anything that I could forget. I pulled away for real this time. I didn't feel like being touched and Nate sensed that, as he didn't try to embrace me. I considered whether or not I should tell him everything before giving a sigh of defeat. I had already embarrassed myself enough. What was one pathetic story of my broken heart going to do to make things worse?

  "He didn't fuck another girl," I said, "It was much worse than that."

  Nate gave a low whistle, obviously impressed. For a guy who seemed like he'd been around the block, the way he was reacting made me think that he had never cheated on someone. Maybe I wasn't the worst judge of character in the world. Just one of the worst.

  "Must have been really bad then,” he said in a surprisingly gentle tone.

  I sighed again.

  "It was. Look, do you really want to know the full story or will you just laugh or be bored off of your tits?" I asked. Nate looked at me and I couldn't sense any sarcasm or condescension in his face.

  "I won't be bored. And I won't laugh. Go on, tell me what the douche bag did," he said, and I believed him.

  I hadn't even told the full details to my best girlfriends but something about Nate's expression told me that he could be trusted.

  "So, Jeff and I met at senior year of college. I was an Art major, he was a creative writing major," I started. Nate was smiling now, "What? You told me you wouldn't laugh!"

  Nate quickly straightened out his face but I could see a smile still twitching at his lips.

  "What?" I said, annoyed now. "What's funny about that?"

  "Sorry, I'm sorry. No, it's not funny. It's just...well, it's kinda funny," he said, "An art major and a creative writing major. I mean, how were you expecting to support yourselves after college? Not to shit on your dreams or anything."

  He was picking on me for my major now? Seriously? He chuckled but when he saw the look on my face he quickly stopped. I could have gotten mad with him, and I probably should have, but I let it go and continued my tale of sorrow and ultimate betrayal.

  "Well, we were both really good at what we did. Really, really good. Jeff's writing is like something you'd read in an actual published book. He always got A's," I said. He had written me some beautiful love poems too, but I decided not to mention them. It was embarrassing and way too painful to even think about.

  "And your art?" said Nate, with interest. I bit my lip nervously. I wasn't one to toot my own horn usually, but Nate didn't seem like he would mind. He was up himself enough anyway.

  "My art was fucking amazing. It still is," I said, bashfully, "We were going to do a book together. Not a kid's book. Like a really literary graphic novel with really deep themes and metaphors and all that stuff. H
e would write, I would illustrate and we'd make a million bucks."

  Nate was uncharacteristically tactful.

  "That's quite an ambition," he said.

  I appreciated his respect for my former dream but there was no point beating around the bush.

  "It was a stupid idea. Like, really terrible. Jeff and I moved in with each other after college, into a shitty studio apartment with no light and barely any air," I paused, before deciding not to mention that I still called this terrible apartment my home, "Jeff insisted that he needed to dedicate himself full time to the story if he was going to get it done. He told me that writing is a lot more difficult than my doodles."

  "Doodles?" said Nate.

  I shrugged as if it was no big deal but he had obviously picked up on the hurt in my voice. That word still felt like a knife into my back, even when Nate said it. I hadn't been practicing and studying and working my ass off for years to create doodles.

  "His word, not mine. But I was stupid. I agreed with him. He told me that it was my job to make the money now because his story would be such a big hit later that he would take care of us then," I said, bitterly remembering the conversation.

  "His story? I thought you were doing it together?" asked Nate, raising one eyebrow.

  I shrugged again, attempting to look casual though tears were pricking at my eyes. I gave them a quick wipe before continuing.

  "Yeah, well it was supposed to be. And I was still doing the drawings. Jeff can't even draw stick people. But I did my drawings on top of a waitressing job, a retail job and whatever freelance work I could get."

  The story sounded so much worse when I said it out loud but I knew I had to keep going. Nate was a surprisingly good listener and I didn't come across people like that very often.

  "And then, he fucked someone while you were at work?" Nate asked. I shook my head.

  "Not quite. There was more to it than that. Fucking is one thing that I maybe could have forgiven. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad I didn't. But it wasn't as bad as what he did," I said. Nate was leaning forward now, obviously enraptured. Maybe my story telling abilities weren't quite as terrible as Jeff had made them out to be. "What he did was worse. He fell in love with someone else."

  "He did?" said Nate, "How?"

  My chest was hurting now. Up until this moment I had done my best to suppress every negative feeling, every shitty emotion that had come with the break up. Now I was feeling it and it was awful.

  "My best friend Amy and I used to get together at my place on Thursday nights to drink wine and watch movies and stuff. From what I gather, I drank too much one night and passed out. Jeff and Amy put me to bed and got talking and realized how much that they have in common," I said, trying to keep my voice light and free from bitterness, "They started hanging out while I was at work. I found them together a few times when I got home early but they were always playing video games or chatting or doing something perfectly innocent. And they always looked so happy to see me. Jeff would pass it off as Amy just stopping by to see me."

  Nate nodded knowingly. Of course he knew where the story was going but he was diplomatic enough not to interrupt me. I needed to finish it myself, though I could feel myself shaking with anger and sorrow.

  "Then one day I dropped by Amy's place uninvited. I'd just been let go from my waitressing job so I felt like total garbage and I just wanted to rant to my best friend. It was the middle of the day and Amy usually works nights so I knew she'd be home. Her roommate left me in and I went straight to her bedroom," I was crying now. Actual tears were running down my face in front of this random guy I had just slept with. Nate took my hand and gave it a gentle squeeze.

  "They were having sex?" he said softly, and I shook my head. That would have been easier. If I had seen Jeff slamming into her from behind I could have written him off as a douche bag and her as a slut and moved on with my life. No, it was worse than that.

  "They were laying on her bed, fully clothed and cuddling. I saw them and knew straight away that this had been going on forever and it hadn't just been about sex. He loved her," I said, "They didn't even try to deny it. Amy started crying as soon as she saw me and Jeff just said 'I'm so sorry'.

  They live together now, and I'm alone."

  Nate nodded and looked as if he was going to say something but then there was a knock at the door. "Room service!" called a man's voice. Nate hopped out of bed and pulled on his boxers, grabbing his wallet from where it was laying on the floor. I dove under the sheets so I wouldn't have to interact with anyone. My heart was pounding at the story I had just told. Telling it like that just made it so much more real. I wiped my eyes and vowed that there would be no more crying until I got home.

  I listened to the man bring the tray into the room. By the sounds of things, Nate gave him a very generous tip. Then the door closed and I knew we were alone again.

  "Breakfast?" said Nate. I forced myself to come out from under the sheets and plastered a smile on my face.

  "Yummy," I said, looking at the incredible dishes in front of me. They were all presented on what looked to be very expensive silver trays but they suddenly looked unappetizing to me. Still, I wanted to be polite so I sat up and began to delicately dig in to some waffles. They should have tasted delicious but my mouth was so dry that the first bite took an age to swallow and I couldn't even think of attempting a second one. I thought that Nate might make fun of me or complain about me being ungrateful when he had spent so much money on our breakfast, but he was mercifully quiet. He ate while I poked the food around my plate in total silence. It was a relief at first but quickly became almost unbearable. Perhaps I had shared too much? I did my best to break the silence.

  “I wonder what Trisha and her husband are doing right now,” I said, and Nate gave a chuckle. For the first time in about ten minutes, he looked at me and I felt my heart pumping. How could a guy I had just met have this ridiculous effect on me? It wasn't reasonable or rational but I rarely was either of those things.

  “Probably sleeping in after fucking all night. I mean, isn't that what newlyweds do?” he asked, and I giggled.

  “If I know Trisha she'll have perfectly choreographed the whole thing. I bet she wore glittery panties too.”

  I laughed some more at the image. Trisha's poor husband had a lot to handle. Then I remembered the way he was looking at her last night, like she was the most incredible girl in the world and I didn't feel like laughing anymore. Still, after my crying episode I couldn't afford to get emotional. I kept a smile on my face.

  “So how do you know...Patrick?” I asked, struggling to remember Trisha's husband's name. There was definitely a P in there somewhere. Whatever his name was, he didn't look anything like Nate but I couldn't help but wonder if they were related. It was even weirder to think that they might be friends.

  “I don't, last night is the first time I met the guy. How about you?” he asked. Strange, Nate certainly didn't seem like the kind of friend that Trisha would associate herself with. Her friends were usually girls who got their nails done every other day, went to church on Sundays and bitched about everyone not within hearing distance. Nate didn't exactly fit that profile.

  “Same. He's not as bad as he could have been, knowing Trisha's taste in guys,” I gave a comical shudder, remembering all the terrible boyfriends she had gone through during the years.

  “That's true,” he said. “Even as a kid the guys she forced to marry her always had lice.”

  I had to laugh at that.

  “That's so true!” I said, letting out an embarrassing snort of laughter. Suddenly, I realized, “Wait, you knew Trisha as a kid? Did you go to school together?”

  I had gone to an all-girls Catholic school as a kid. Trisha had gone to a mixed school on the other side of town. She had always blamed my luck, or lack thereof with the opposite sex on my single sex education. It was weird to imagine Nate as a kid, sitting next to Trisha in class and sharing his crayons with her. But he shook his head in answer
to my question and took a swig of orange juice before correcting me.

  “Nah,” he said, wiping his mouth on his arm. His table manners weren't exactly that good, “We're cousins.”

  I felt the blood drain from my face at his words. Cousins? I was Trisha's cousin. If Nate was Trisha's cousin too then that must mean...

  “We're related!” I screamed, pulling away from him. His hand had been resting on my knee so I pushed that away too. Nate looked about as shocked and confused as I felt.

  “Wait, what the hell are you talking about Ruby?” he asked.

  “You're Trisha's cousin. I'm Trisha's cousin! We're cousins!” I said. He reached out his hands, probably in an attempt to comfort me but I slapped them away, “Don't touch me. Oh fuck, where are my clothes?”

  He'd already seen me naked so I let the sheet drop and grabbed my clothes from the floor. I pulled on my dress as quickly as I could as he tried to calm me down.