Questmyre

by HaaJar Johnson

  “What did he do to you? I swear I’ll make him pay for it! Just tell me Robin!” He cried all out now, tears and mucus dripping and combining across his small face.

  “You know what he did. He took me upstairs and…” Robin could not finish the sentence because by saying it out loud it would become a reality. Up until now, Robins’ foster father’s nightly visits were just in her head after the deed was done, but if she said it aloud and shared it with another person… It would truly make it real and something so ugly should never be allowed to exist in reality. Robin grew quiet; deathly so.

  “Say it!” Vick said.

  Robin did not respond. In fact she remained silent for the remainder of their time in Sue and Baron’s house. She spoke to no one. She took care of the tiny infant named “Jessica”, went to school, came home, did her chores and went through all the motions of life without truly living. It would be some time before she started speaking again, because it would be some time before her foster father’s crimes ceased.

  Robin had blocked out so much from her time in that house. The only thing that stayed with her were Jessica’s infant cries resounding in the middle of the night while she was far away from the basement, upstairs… Crying like a baby, as well; but with no one to save her.

  Shaking her head to purge the past from her mind, Robin returned to the present. She could still hear the young girl in the blue dress. Finally her cries echoed into silence.

  Robin did not feel even an inch of guilt over her behavior. She had always known that her only means of expression in this world was to “act out”. Perhaps if she acted wild enough she could draw attention to herself and get the world to finally notice her. That was the philosophy she and her old friend Vick had come up with years ago as they played on the floors of their foster agency’s building.

  The very first day they met, they had become fast friends and ended up staying at the same home for five years. It took five long years before their unwise social worker had discovered their caretaker was not fit to nurture animals; let alone, small children.

  By that time Vick and Robin had grown in ways that could never be dismantled, erased or fixed. The only thing that had saved Robin during those hard five years between child and young adult had been her friendship and eventual kinship with Vick. They had grown tough together and in time, decided they would be wild, loud and unpredictable; together. They each believed this tactic would make the world see them; help them; heal them. If there was one thing Robin was sure of, it was that people were by nature; very selfish. If Robin and Vick could make their problems, everyone else’s problem; maybe someone would finally lend them a hand.

  A bus horn blared, the chill wind grew a bit stronger and pushed her lithe body forward but her memories went in the opposite direction; backwards…

  “You know, it’s the only way to get any real attention.” Vick had told Robin one day long ago. Robin had to agree. She realized that acting ‘out’ was the only way the world would ever notice them and see just how broken they were inside. It was what the world expected of them; two minority inner city orphans.

  Robin was quite smart and loved nothing more than escaping in books. However, she found through the years that school was a waste of her time. No matter how hard she tried she felt she could and would never get out of poverty or move past the misery that she had been born into. And God knew she had to work overtime, juggling both her sketchy personal life and the demands of public school.

  While she was and probably would always be a bookworm, using books as an escape from her existence; Robin eventually took Vick’s advice and just stopped trying so hard. She finally gave in and decided to just be what the world expected: A bad, loud and unruly inner city kid.

  Robin and Vick had set their plan into action. They would grab the world by its collar with their wild antics. Once they had the worlds undivided attention, they would sit everyone down and tell their audience how many years they had been in the foster care system. Everyone would see how many bruises they bore due to unkempt conditions and abusive foster parents. The world would know about the hurt Robin felt every time she had been moved from home to home. The world would be able to see the darkness of her past, the corners and places in her mind that she could never show to the light. Then, when the world had seen its share, it would reward Robin, Vick and others like them, for their courage to endure it all and still retain even an ounce of sanity.

  This was her ultimate dream; her own personal ‘heaven on earth’. On that day, all Robin and Vick’s dreams would come true, one by one, and they would have a home; a family to call their own…forever.

  “A real ‘Happily Ever After’, not just the ones for golden-haired princesses and sweet singing mermaids from magical kingdoms. No more slipping on the edge, I’d be part of something…something real. A family. I’d be loved and...” Robin slowed her gait and finally brought her gaze up from staring at her feet.

  Central park was to her right and its large shadowy trees called to her wild spirit. She almost felt as if there were a song in each old trunk singing to her; beckoning her into the only semblance of nature amidst the concrete jungle of New York City.

  Since her earliest years, Robin sometimes imagined angels, nymphs and fairies were watching over her to offer protection during her darkest hours. This was, in fact, one of those times.

  Before she knew it her mind was pushing her back to the very first time she had created an imaginary confidant.

  In her minds’ eye Central Park disintegrated and in its place sat another, much smaller city park. Robin found herself in the center of a desolate city park in the middle of the night. All the lights were shut off to keep trespassers out after dusk but that had not stopped young Robin. She had no other choice after two gruff little hoodlums on the corner had tried to grab her into their parked car while she wandered the streets for a place to sleep.

  She had left yet another foster home in the heat of the moment and after punching and kicking the two guys off she had run to her favorite neighborhood park and slumped onto a swing. That’s where she was now, head down, tears streaming, left eye swollen and her lip busted with a trickle of blood dripping into her tears.

  “Stupid Shanta… I hate her!” She said aloud into the cold silence. Robin was definitely not dressed for the sleek and bitter chill that was creeping across her frame. The winter was coming and she had raced out of the apartment too quickly to pick up her small jacket. She only wore a bright red long-sleeved turtleneck and brown corduroy pants. Her hard black school shoes were still biting into her feet for she had had no time to change before her foster sister Shanta had started up yet another fight.

  When Robin came in the front door from the school bus, Shanta was already there waiting. She was three grades above Robin and got let out before her. Shanta’s short wiry hair had come out of its haphazard ponytail during one of her many brawls in her special education class during the day. Her white shirt and black pants looked dirty and disheveled. Overall, she made quite a picture.

  “What you looking at Stupid?” Shanta had caught Robin staring for more than she would have liked and she went straight into offensive mode.

  “Nothing, I’m just tired.” Robin said hoping it would get Shanta off her case. She started moving past Shanta through the kitchen and towards their shared room but Shanta put out her foot to trip Robin.

  “You think you so cute but you not! That’s why your mama was a-" Robin did not let Shanta finish. She had heard this particular comment too many times for her liking. While Robin had simply held it in before and saved the tears for the middle of the night, she had finally reached her breaking point. Robin lashed out with her fists and her feet then tackled a surprised Shanta to the floor.

  “I told you don’t talk about my mother you-“ Robin had the upper hand for only a second before Shanta, being the bigger and more experienced fighter of the two, began to pummel Robin until she lay in the fetal position to deflect the vicious blows.
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  “You two stop it! Just stop it!” Their foster mother, a matronly old woman who had been nothing but tolerant and patient with them ran towards the scuffle in the kitchen. She tried her best to pull the two young girls apart and ended up with a few scratches and bruises for her efforts.

  “Animals! That’s what you’re acting like fighting each other like this!” She said breathlessly once she was able to separate them. Tears were in her eyes, her gray hair in disarray from the tussle and her kind large brown hands were scratched up by the two girls. “How could you do this after all I’ve done for you two? I swear I don’t think my heart can take any more of this…” She fell to her knees in defeat.

  Robin took one look at the one care-giver she had actually opened up to and felt was genuinely decent. Seeing the pain in her hazel eyes, Robin decided she would not allow her poison to hurt the kind old woman.

  Without a word, Robin grabbed her book bag off the floor and raced out the front door, out of the apartment building and eventually found her way to the park she now cried in.

  “I don’t need her, I don’t need anyone…” Robin whispered dejectedly. The wind blew again and she shivered. Robin pulled her red turtleneck up around her mouth and ears to get a little warmer.

  She could not for the life of her, understand why she had reacted so violently towards Shanta. She had been living with the troubled girl for over a month now and knew she had some serious problems.

  From what she had overheard her caretaker Mona say over the phone to her friends, she could clearly see why. If Robin thought her life had been hard, Shanta’s had been even harder. Her parents had both been heavy drug addicts, her mother had left her on the side of the street after giving birth. From that point on Shanta had been in and out of foster homes and abused for most of her life. To top it off since her behavior was so violent and she was getting too old, Shanta would be in a group home by her next birthday. Robin had known this and thought, given both of their not so cheery backgrounds they could perhaps be friends but Shanta took Robin’s niceness as slyness. She had beaten down Robin’s every attempt at friendship.

  Robin could not deal with hearing anymore slights against the mother she had never known. She too had been found on the street and had thought for years that perhaps her parents were wonderful people who had just…somehow lost her. Shanta would not allow her to believe in such a fairytale and had told her straight out that her mother was probably nothing more than a streetwalker who had thrown away a useless baby. Robin sobbed at the thought and held her arms around her middle to take away the ache she felt there. She had never wanted much in life, but the one thing she had wanted was to be loved, protected and feel the secure feeling a child feels when wrapped within the love of their mother or father.

  ‘That’s all I ever wanted…” Robin said softly. She had never ached so much with the pain that desire lit in her. She needed a hug; a loving hug or she felt she would die right there in that lonely park on that solitary swing in the dark.

  She saw a light in the distance near the entrance of the park. It glowed and grew brighter as it came towards her. Before she knew it Robin saw the light slowly transform into a matronly old woman with beautiful gray hair, soothing green eyes, noble nose, smiling mouth and a beautiful pink cloak about her sturdy body. She smiled and made her way to Robin then walked behind her swing. Before Robin could turn around or say a word she saw the woman’s hands wrap around her in a warm embrace.

  She hugged Robin close. “I am here my darling baby. I am here, don’t worry. You are safe.” She whispered as she rocked Robin’s swing gently in the breeze. Robin could almost feel the warmth of her breath and the strength of her arms around her.

  Just when Robin felt the safest she had ever felt, her fairy godmother disappeared into thin air. The bright light coming towards her shone harshly in her eyes and an abrupt voice spoke from behind it, “Where are your parents little girl? What happened to your face? Get up. Come on, you’re coming with us…”

  It was the police. Robin stood up sadly and followed the officers. She walked away from the swing, away from her fairy godmother and back into the black abyss that was her nightmarish life.

  Another cold wind brushed past Robin’s cheeks and brought her back to the present. She was standing at the entrance of Central Park.

  Although, she was past believing in fantasies and knew without a doubt how cold and brutal the ‘real’ world was, she could not help but revert to her childhood safety mechanism. Without realizing that she was doing it, Robin began to create a beautiful forest guardian in her minds’ eye.

  Her guardian was a woman with caring motherly eyes; large and violet in color. Her long flowing hair was a lighter shade of purple and was frizzy and unkempt. She wore long shimmery robes of blue, green and lavender and her tanned skin glittered gloriously with fairy dust. She smiled at the entrance to the park as she sung a beautifully haunting song of joy. Her long slender silver ringed fingers moved like butterfly wings in the air as she motioned for Robin to join her in the park.

  Taking a deep breath Robin walked towards the entrance intent on seeing her hastily made plan through.

  She would start here tonight, at Central Park. She would not return to her foster home but sleep here protected by her very own forest guardian. Robin would sleep beneath the trees tonight and let tomorrow and tomorrow’s tomorrow do as they may. She could not take the starvation, the yelling, the cursing, the... everything. And if this was not enough to push her to run away, Robin had heard her counselor mention that she was now at the age where she would have to go into a group home. Adoption was of course no longer an option given her age and foster homes would soon be off-limits.

  Robin could not imagine living with a group of kids with as many or even more emotional and mental problems as she herself had gained over her traumatic childhood. It felt like she was being condemned to jail or hell rather than a youth home.

  Shaking her head to push back the tears, Robin forced herself not to think about the future or what awaited her at her current foster home. She swallowed hard, shook her head sharply and forced her feet forward towards freedom…

  The sun was slowly leaving the city and the park dwellers began to leave the main gates in a wave of movement. Robin swam against the current of energy feeling lost and empty, but this was nothing new to her. She walked staring at her feet for the most part but then came across one of her favorite statues in the park.

  The Alice in Wonderland montage stood before her, shining eerily in the glow of the setting sun. She looked at Alice woefully. Robin had spent many nights and days wishing to be like Alice or Cinderella or Snow White or pretty much any beautiful girl in a fairytale. She was not picky; she would take Alice’s life before or after the rabbit hole. Living in an estate with nothing to do but read in petticoats… Robin thought to herself and laughed, yeah nothing at all difficult about that. She stared at the rabbit, the mad-hatter and sighing, leaned against one of the metal mushrooms while looking around her.

  Everyone was leaving the park…everyone was leaving her…nothing at all new about that. She would never be Alice or Cinderella or anyone important. She was just…Robin. Shoving off from the mushroom, she continued walking down the path and deeper into the park.

  Pushing aside the dark void growing in her heart as she watched the smiling strangers brush past her, she focused on conjuring up her made-up forest guardian once again. The beautiful woman came back together in a flurry of color and particles. She smiled at Robin and led her deeper into the recesses of central park. Like a child following their mother with pure faith and confidence, Robin walked in her guardian’s footsteps.

  Part of her knew it was sad she had to create a parental figure such as this but Robin was a survivor through and through and knew she needed extra support to get her through this potentially rough time. She was finally setting forth into life all by herself and could only hope she would not end up like the many half-crazed, dirty homeless men
and women skulking in the shadows of the city that never sleeps.

  Before she had gotten halfway through the crowd of people walking on the pathway, she was assaulted by a fit of coughs that violently wracked through her body. Once again her midnight black hair, which sported a shock of purple dye over her right temple, fell across her forehead. Agitated, she swiped it away. She had been ill the past week due to the coming winter weather and the poor conditions of her bedroom at her current foster home.

  Some nights it felt as if there were no walls surrounding her, as the cold winds swept through holes and slits and made their way over her barely covered body. Once the coughs dissipated Robin continued on her way.

  When she got past the bulk of bicyclists, joggers, strollers and happy, privileged children skipping beside their parents, she searched for the darkest path she could find and slinked into it.

  The leaves of the bushes and trees all seemed to change color with the growing loss of light. From bright vibrant reds, oranges, yellows and purples they began to dim until all looked blue, gray and black through her frightened eyes. Her forest guardian had forsaken her at some point during the long walk deep into the park. No matter how hard Robin tried she could not re-imagine her. She was too busy staring frantically into the dark shadows and imagining less friendly characters waiting for the right moment to pounce on her.