Before I Let Go

by Darren Coleman

  The ladies headed out the door into the night air. If the coffee hadn’t gotten their heads straight, then the cool March air would have. Renee locked the storm door and headed up the stairs.

  Chapter 18

  IF THE SHOE FITS

  Brendan got out of the shower and felt relieved. The steam had relaxed him. No one could tell that his birthday dinner had been ruined from looking at him now. He was definitely cool, even though he had broken up with Laney a few hours earlier. In addition to that breakup, he would no longer be rooting for the Washington Wizards, not as long as they had that asshole Joe Simpson playing for them. Even though Brendan was a Michael Jordan fan, he hoped that they lost every game for the rest of the season.

  He was in his room drying off when the phone rang. It was two in the morning, and who in the world would be calling? “Hello.”

  “Yo, boy, I’m just checking on you. Just wanted to make sure you were okay.”

  “Yeah, man. I’m cool.”

  “I called you earlier,” Cory said.

  “Yeah. I was down in the basement with Renee and her girlfriends. They were having their little book club thingy.”

  “Was Evelyn over there with her fine ass?”

  “Yeah, and so was Gladys.”

  “Damn.”

  “You wouldn’t believe that Gladys is cheating on her husband.”

  “How do you know?”

  “She came right out and told me. You know, we were just rapping, and the next thing you know she just came out with it.”

  “Maybe she wants you to be next,” Cory laughed.

  “If she did, I doubt it now. I kind of bombed her out about it. I think she was a little pissed with me when she left.”

  “Oh, well. But you seem straight, though. What happened in the car on the way home?” Cory asked.

  “Man, I told her what I thought about her. And I told her to get the hell out.”

  “You put her out of the car?”

  “I mean, we were in front of her building.”

  “Oh.”

  “She had the nerve to tell me that she loved me.”

  “There’s a lot of that going around,” Cory laughed.

  “Say what?”

  “We’ll get into that later. I just wanted to make sure you didn’t give Laney the beat down.”

  “Never that. I’m fine…I mean, for someone who just broke up with their lady on their birthday.” Brendan managed a slight chuckle.

  “Well, hit me tomorrow,” Cory ended.

  “Nina over there?” Brendan asked.

  “Yeah, she’s in the bed, though.”

  “Okay then, bro, peace out.”

  “Later.” They hung up. Brendan reached into his dresser for a T-shirt. When he turned around, Renee was standing in the doorway.

  “Girl, you scared the shit out of me. What are you doing?”

  “I came in here to ask if you wanted some.” Renee extended a bag of microwaved popcorn. “And to ask why you really came home so early, but I don’t have to ask anymore, since I heard you say you broke up with Laney.”

  Brendan had a funny look on his face. Renee saw it and thought he was peeved because she had overheard him. She really hadn’t intended to eavesdrop. But it wasn’t that at all. The look was the result of a combination of things. It was the way that things had gone down at dinner. It was all of the wine that he had been drinking. It was because of the hot shower. But most of all it was because Renee was standing in front of him in a cotton chemise that was somewhat transparent. Brendan could see the outlines of her breasts, and her nipples looked like they were hard. And hadn’t she just asked him if he wanted some?

  Renee stood there waiting for a response. Instead, he just looked at her. Her jet-black hair was in big loose curls, which was his favorite style for her. She knew it because he had told her about a hundred times, and she had probably considered that when she had gotten it done earlier in the day, since she was taking him out for his birthday. Her face was kind, as usual, and she was ready at two o’clock in the morning to listen to him if he needed her. She was his best friend and almost like the sister he had never had. But damn, tonight she was looking good to him. Renee was far from chunky but could be considered voluptuous. Her frame carried her 140 pounds nicely. Her face was round, with a dimple in her chin, and she had deep, dark eyes. Most men’s eyes never got past her nice hips and ample breasts, and therefore missed her subtle beauty.

  She finally spoke. “Brendan, what is your problem? Are you okay?”

  Brendan spoke. “Yeah, I’m fine. I’m still a little buzzed from the liquor, that’s all.” Renee looked down at his boxers. His dick was pointing straight at her. She tried to remove her eyes from his crotch and bring them back up to eye level, but he caught her staring. Now she had the silly look.

  “So can I have some?” Brendan asked.

  “What, some of my popcorn?” She breathed in deeply.

  “Nah, I don’t want your popcorn.” Brendan moved toward her.

  She instinctively moved backward. Her head must have been swimming a little, because she was ready to stop backing away. He reached for her shoulders to pull her back through the doorway. With one hand she held onto the popcorn and with the other she reached blindly for Brendan’s crotch; he was still pointing thirty degrees north, and her hand found him easily. The popcorn fell to the floor as their lips, unfamiliar to each other, met for the first time since prom night.

  They had both wondered often enough when and if this moment would come. How it would feel. Renee had wondered most about how their relationship would change and if it would grow into something more. Brendan had wondered most how it would feel to be inside of Renee. Would it be good? He, unlike Renee, had never given much thought as to what effect the two of them becoming intimate would have on their friendship.

  Their lips stayed locked. Brendan’s hand flipped the light switch on the wall before they slid onto the bed, still intertwined. Brendan’s hands were all over Renee’s brown body. He was more aggressive than he would have been normally. The chance to satisfy years of pent-up desire and curiosity was at stake. This was the thought on Brendan’s mind as he attempted to get Renee all worked up before she had a chance to change her mind. It was working. Renee was losing herself to Brendan’s touch and kisses. Every time she thought about stopping him, his lips would find a spot on her body that would send shivers throughout it.

  Before Renee knew it, Brendan had her chemise up over her head, and was sliding her panties off. She had never imagined that Brendan would be so smooth and commanding in the bedroom. She always imagined him as the bumbling type. As a matter of fact, in her mind she often thought that he might still be the goofy young kid who couldn’t get her bra unfastened on prom night. She had had no intention of giving Brendan any that night, but had he been half as smooth as he was at this moment, it would have been hard for her to say no.

  Brendan managed to slyly squirm out of his underwear without breaking the action, and he placed his naked body on top of hers. There was no talking, only heavy breathing as his lips and tongue danced across her nipples. His other hand disappeared between her legs. Renee’s heavy breathing became low moans as her bottom began to wiggle in response to his gentle touch. His mouth slid down to her belly button, and his tongue darted in and out of it just as quickly. He only stopped at her belly momentarily. Renee was a little shocked that she was lying in Brendan’s bed. This is Brendan, she thought, as her mind began to race. We can’t be doing this. This is like my brother. Why am I letting him kiss me like this? I know I am going to regret this in the morning, but damn it feels good. “Oooohhh, shit, Brendan,” Renee yelled out, as his tongue found its mark. I am wet as a waterfall. I hope that he’s not drowning down there. I can’t believe Brendan is working his shit like that…I hope he doesn’t think that because he’s doing that…“Oh damn, Brendan…I’m gonna come…Baby, I’m coming,” she yelled out, as she grabbed the back of his head. Her body shook for what
seemed like minutes.

  Brendan was feeling like “the man.” He couldn’t believe that he had finally showed Renee what he was capable of doing. He wasn’t finished, yet. He wiped the wetness from around his mouth with the towel that he had thrown on the bed earlier and climbed back on top of her. As her senses came back to her, she wondered if she should continue. It was too late to stop now, she thought, and after he had made her feel so good, she wanted nothing more than to please him. And she did. She played the passive role a little while longer, while Brendan continued amazing her with his passionate and gentle lovemaking. He wasn’t startled when she placed her hands on his chest and pushed him until he was on his back. Brendan could make out the sincerity in Renee’s face as she rode him with all the expertise of a working girl. The outlines of her body in the dark looked sexy on top of him and were turning him on even more. It didn’t take much more of Renee throwing it at him before she drove him completely over the edge. He called out her name as he let go. There was deep breathing as the two tried to regain their wind. There was no time to discuss whether it had been right or wrong, because within five minutes they were both asleep in each other’s arms.

  Morning came with a clarity that hadn’t been available at night. When Brendan turned and saw Renee lying there next to him instead of Laney, he knew that things had definitely taken on a twist that he had no idea how to make sense of. Things had happened fast. He hadn’t even had a chance to tell Renee what really had happened between him and Laney. He probably wouldn’t. The whole thing was a little embarrassing to him. Just dealing with the fact that yet another woman had duped him after Trina was a task in itself. He could already hear Nate’s jokes coming, and if he ever mentioned it to Shue, he surely would never hear the end of it.

  Now he had complicated things in a way he had never imagined. He tried to figure out what had finally made he and Renee fall into bed together. There had been no signs of it coming. Brendan had not taken Renee’s usually sweet self, nor her occasional sexy nightclothes, as any indication that something was brewing. As adults, though, the two of them could have predicted that something would happen eventually. They both should have known, and probably did, that living together would sooner or later cause a spark to ignite between them. Maybe deep down they both wanted the other but had never admitted it. Now the deed was done, and there was no taking it back.

  Brendan stared at Renee’s sleeping face and noticed that her eyebrows were going every which way, and that the corners of her mouth were white. “So this is what it’s like to wake up to her,” he thought. For a second he thought about Trina’s face in the morning and how she had looked, as though she hadn’t really slept, the way most people do. She would wake up with no crust in her eyes, no bags under them, and her hair always seemed to be in place. He remembered thinking that he was going to marry her because it would be like looking at an angel every morning. He had found out, though, that how a woman looks in the morning isn’t the most important thing when looking for a wife. It was a good thing, because Laney definitely didn’t have that angelic morning glow, nor did Renee. He couldn’t remember anyone before Trina having it either, which prompted him to the conclusion that it was a rare quality he had better be able to live without.

  It was nearly eleven o’clock, and Brendan was sitting on the bed tying up the laces of his Adidas when Renee woke up.

  “Good morning,” Renee said her voice still scratchy. “Going running?” It had been his routine on Sundays, and at least four other days during the week.

  “Yeah. I have a little hangover, but I still gotta do what I gotta do,” Brendan said.

  Renee looked at the clock. “Damn, it’s late.”

  “Yeah. I started to wake you, but you were sleeping so soundly,” he said, as he stood and zipped up the jacket to his Gore-Tex jogging suit.

  “I guess I needed it.” She smiled.

  They exchanged a little more conversation about their plans for the day merely to avoid what needed to be said. As Brendan headed for the steps, Renee called him back.

  He poked his head inside the doorway, and she said, “So, will you be around later? I guess we should talk.”

  Brendan didn’t know whether it sounded more like a question or a statement, and he replied, “Yeah, I’ll be around. We’re still going to dinner tonight, right?”

  Renee was relieved; he was still acting normal. “Yes. You just have to let me know where. I’m headed to the mall with my mother, but I’ll be back here by five or so.”

  “Cool, I’ll see you then.” Then he walked over to his bed and kissed her on the forehead. “Everything is going to be fine, so don’t trip at all. Okay?”

  She nodded and smiled. Brendan had reassured her that things would be fine. She believed him, because he wouldn’t lie to her. Her mind was still racing with emotions and thoughts brought on by their lovemaking. On top of that, things had happened so quickly that she hadn’t had the chance to ask him what had happened between him and Laney.

  Brendan was finishing his third lap when he noticed a woman seated in the bleachers. He had finished his fourth when he realized it was Laney. She’d taken a small chance that she would find him there because she wanted to talk to him in person. There would be no wasted phone calls in which he would have the chance to brush her off or hang up on her. When Brendan ignored her on his fifth lap, she questioned whether or not he had seen her. When he looked right at her as he came past on his sixth, Laney stood up. She began stretching right next to the fence. He passed her once more before she began running.

  His pager went off as he finished up his twelfth lap. He pulled it from his waistband as he wiped the beads of sweat off his forehead. He was sweating the alcohol out of his system, he thought. His hangover was gone, but his mouth was as dry as a desert. He knew that he would have to quit soon. Laney had been jogging behind him for the last mile. When he first saw her, he thought that she had come there to confront him, but now he wasn’t sure. He wasn’t sure if he wanted to talk to her, anyway.

  That was bullshit, actually, because deep down Brendan knew he wanted her to beg him to forgive her. He wanted her begging to be strong enough to equalize the shame and pain she had caused him. As his pace dropped from a rapid run to a light jog for his cool-down phase, he knew it would be impossible. No matter what she said, it wouldn’t be enough. He would be letting himself down if he gave her another chance. Besides, he had more to worry about now. He had to tend to the issue of Renee. He wasn’t sure where that was headed, but he knew that he would have to put her feelings first. He couldn’t bear the thought of ever making Renee feel cheap or used by him. Laney’s actions had caused her to stumble from number one to number two overnight.

  Brendan was now walking, and Laney ran right past him. She was moving fast. So fast, in fact, Brendan hardly got a glimpse of her tight ghetto booty as it bounced from side to side with each stride. She was running in spandex tights and her usual sweatshirt. He did notice that she looked sexy, as usual. He always felt turned on when she ran, no matter what she wore. There was hardly a day that, after they had jogged, they didn’t end it knocking boots. It wasn’t happening today, though. Laney watched Brendan head for his car, and she lost her nerve. She figured that if there were even the slightest change in attitude on his part he would have waited for her to finish. But he had figured that when she kept jogging she had actually come to jog and not to talk. She had taken him there to run initially, and perhaps she was going to keep running there whether they were together or not.

  I couldn’t believe that Nina and I were arguing over something so silly. We stood in the video store, and she was insisting that we rent The Brothers. I had foolishly mentioned that I had seen it twice in the theater. When she asked me whom I had seen it with, I had told her that I had gone with a couple of friends back in Atlanta. Her next question was “With two different dates, huh?”

  Now here we were in Blockbuster arguing about something that had happened last summer. “Well,
forget it then, Cory. I don’t want to see anything that you watched with another bitch, let alone two.”

  “That is beyond stupid, Nina,” I said. “If you want to see the movie, then get it. What difference does it make who I saw it with?”

  “So now I’m stupid,” she said, nostrils flaring.

  “I didn’t say you were stupid. Look, if you are getting the movie, just get the doggone thing. I’m not going to stand here and argue with you about it.”

  Her eyes were squinted as she looked at me and then she rolled them in her head as she turned back toward the shelves. “How about this? Did you see this with one of your girlfriends, too?”

  I didn’t even look at the movie, and said, “No, I’ve never seen that. Get it. C’mon.”

  I heard her suck her teeth, then mumble something in Spanish.

  “Don’t start talking that shit either,” I said.

  “Oh, I’m sorry. I meant to say that in English,” she said in a sarcastic tone. “Do you want to know what I said?”

  “I don’t know. Do I?”

  “I said you are a dog just like your boy Nate.”

  I stopped walking and turned to her. “What the hell does my seeing a movie have to do with me being a dog like Nate? Huh, just tell me that.”

  She could tell that she had finally irritated me, which was apparently her goal. She then cracked a half-restrained smile and said, “If the shoe fits, wear it, nigga.”

  I saw a girl off to the side of us looking entertained, and I headed off to the check-out counter. Nina followed. We didn’t say anything else until we got to the car. Nina stood by her door and waited for me to come to her side and open it. When I hit the alarm and jumped in on my side, her mouth dropped open. I laughed to myself when she got into the car. I said, “You know dogs don’t open doors. At least, Nate doesn’t.”

  “Yeah, okay. I got something for you when we get back home.”

  “I bet you do,” I said, as I reached for her thigh.