Before I Let Go

by Darren Coleman

  “Damn, Shelly. How could you do this?” was all I could say.

  “Don’t worry, Cory. I don’t expect a thing from you.” Shelly stood up and walked to the balcony. While she stared out into the August night, she told me she’d wanted to tell me for a long time but she hadn’t because of Eric. She said that the funny thing about it had been that Amani never bonded with him the way that most little girls do with their fathers. She said that she had been surprised at how little Amani had asked about or mentioned the man whom she had always thought was her father.

  “That’s not my concern. I don’t care about the money. What about her? How is she handling it? Hell. How am I going to handle it?” My face was down again. I then assured her that I would take full financial responsibility for Amani.

  “It’s not necessary, Cory. Really. We’re fine,” she responded.

  “Nonsense. Dandridge men take care of their responsibility. I owe you money. And Eric, too, I guess.”

  “He’d probably take it right about now,” she laughed. “I know you’re probably making megabucks right now, Cory, but believe it or not, I do okay for myself. I have a master’s degree in guidance. I’m second in charge at the school I work at. I’m not hurting at all.”

  She was so confident, even when she was putting herself on the line. I was dealing with the shock of the news that she had given me, and at the same time preparing to tell her about Nina and me. I contemplated putting off telling her about us. This had been a traumatic evening already. I thought about her claiming that she wouldn’t want any money from me after she heard my confession. “You might change your tune after I say what I need to say to you.”

  She turned, looked, and walked back toward the couch. She stood in front of me with her arms folded. “What is it?”

  “Sit down. Please.”

  “I’ll stand,” she said, and turned back toward the window as I started my story, from the night at the party when I had seen Nina and thought she was Shelly. I told each detail of how we had just started out catching up on old times. Before long, Shelly was sitting on the floor by the table. Her third glass of wine disappeared, then her fourth, as she listened attentively. Her expression changed dramatically when I got to the part about sleeping together.

  “I can’t believe this shit. How could you be with her, Cory?” I recognized the words that followed it as profanity in her native tongue.

  “I…I’m…sorry. I didn’t think that it would make a difference after all of this time.”

  “Bullshit. How could you think that? She’s my sister, Cory. Were you that hard up to be with me? You had to go after the next best thing, huh?”

  “Shelly, that’s not how it was. It didn’t start out like that.”

  “I ought to kick your ass, and hers. That’s foul.”

  “As foul as you denying a child her father?”

  That comment stopped her in her tracks, and she sat down on the couch. “Take me home, Cory.” The tears started, and I felt my heart sinking. I had caused so much pain. It was like the old days when I had said something to hurt her feelings.

  She had always melted me with her tears. Things hadn’t changed, and I sat down next to her and began to stroke her back, trying to stop her from crying. To my surprise it didn’t take long for me to calm her down. Amid her tears she began to speak. She said, “Nina isn’t worth a damn, and you are just a typical man…my sister, Cory?”

  She went on about how low down Nina was. She went back to the days when we first dated as undergrads, telling stories of how she had suspected Nina of having a crush on me back then. She even recalled finding a letter Nina had written to her fantasy man about how she wanted him to be the first to make love to her, but that Nina hadn’t put a name on the top. Nina had described how she felt whenever her mystery man came by the house, and how wonderful she had felt inside when he hugged her. Nina was only seventeen then, and no boys were coming by the house, but I had hugged her most of the times I went by to see Shelly. Shelly said that she had always known that Nina had written it about me.

  Shelly just shook her head. “You know what’s funny?”

  “No, tell me.”

  “When I looked in your fridge, I said to myself, ‘What in the world is Cory doing with that butterscotch yogurt. He never liked yogurt. The only person I know who eats that is Nina.” She looked at me. “So are you still seeing her?”

  “Yes.”

  “Is it serious.”

  “Yeah, it is,” I said.

  Shelly’s lips tightened. “How serious?”

  “Very.”

  “Do you love her?”

  “Yeah, I do,” I said, surprising myself.

  “No, you don’t,” she said, getting up off of the couch and sitting next to me, forcing my body to slide over. “Because if you did, you wouldn’t have been looking at me the way you have since I’ve been over here.”

  “Shelly, what are you talking about?” I said, as I leaned back and tried my best to look unfazed.

  “This is what I’m talking about.” She stood up. “You don’t love her. The only reason why you have been with her is because you thought that you couldn’t have me.” Shelly had on a peach-colored silk blouse, which her fingers began to unbutton. “But guess what? You can still have me. I still want you. I never stopped loving you.” Her words overwhelmed me. I couldn’t believe she had said that. I was overjoyed to hear her say she still loved me, but sad at the same time. I had spent many nights dreaming of hearing her say those words, but I never heard them again until now. She still loved me, but I was with her sister now. I loved Nina and had to show it by being strong enough to resist Shelly.

  “Love me, Cory,” she said, as her blouse slid off her shoulders and fell to the floor. My head felt light, as if all of the blood had rushed away from it. I couldn’t believe I was staring at Shelly, whose beige Miracle bra was getting paid for nothing. Believe me when I say it: This woman needed no miracles up there. “Tell me you don’t want me, Cory, and I’ll put my shirt back on. Tell me.” Then she started talking in Spanish, and my dick grew even harder.

  “Just as I thought,” she said, as she unfastened her black linen slacks. And I watched them fall and hit the ground, revealing a sexy pair of thong panties. “Now, what are you going to do?” she said in Spanish, and sounded even sexier. I just sat there in a trance staring at Shelly. I watched her hips as she moved toward me. My mind began to race with indecision. I couldn’t do this to Nina. I shouldn’t even want to. It shouldn’t have even been up for debate.

  The little devil on my shoulder was telling me to go ahead. She was standing over me with nothing on but her panties, bra, and Via Spiga sandals. One time for old time’s sake wouldn’t hurt anything. At the same time, the little angel on my right was warning me not to do it. I just closed my eyes and tried to be strong. The last thing I wanted was to hurt Nina in any sort of way. Shelly was only a breath away, and now what was I going to do?

  Chapter 30

  LOVE OVERBOARD

  Finally, after all of this time, Kim believed that Nate was getting the picture. He was lying still in Kim’s bed at two in the morning, listening to her as she continued to talk. She had been pouring her heart out to Nate for twenty minutes.

  “Nate, do you love me?” Kim turned on her side and asked him.

  Without even the slightest hesitation Nate answered, “Yeah, baby, Ido.”

  “Why do you love me now when you didn’t before?”

  “I did. It was just different…I mean, I just wasn’t able to express…” Nate paused. “Why are you asking me all of these questions? What’s wrong, Kim?…I’m here…right, baby?” Nate propped his head on his pillow. “All of that stuff is in the past. You have to let it go.”

  Kim sniffed. “I know. I know, but it still hurts. You disrespected me. You didn’t love me then, even though I loved you. I just don’t understand why. It’s like I wasn’t good enough then.”

  Nate turned back toward Kim and kissed h
er forehead and began to rub her stomach and her breasts. Not in a sexual way, though. He was simply trying to ease her, and it always worked. After a few minutes she was silent, and her eyes closed as she tried to think things through in a state of semiconsciousness.

  Kim smiled to herself. Nate was taking care of her the way a man was supposed to. She had been upset a few moments earlier, and Nate had taken responsibility for her emotions. It couldn’t have been any better had she written the script herself. Kim felt a quiet sense of self-satisfaction. Nate had not only come crawling back to her, as she liked to explain it, but it made her feel good to think that she obviously had been worth enough to him for him to make major changes in his outlook on relationships.

  Since they had started seeing each other again there had been several noticeable changes in the way Nate now treated her. After making love to Kim, instead of jumping up to play video games, or rushing her off when she was at his house, Nate had begun to simply lie still and listen. Sometimes he would just listen to her breathing as she calmed down. Other times he would go as far as running his fingers through her hair and holding her. Kim had been forced to admit to herself and her friends that even she didn’t know where it had all come from.

  Trina, portraying the wise and experienced best friend, had taken in the facts and given Kim her analysis over lunch at Crisfield’s one afternoon in September. “Honey,” Trina said, “maybe that negro has changed. Brendan told me that Nate had been seeing some model for a while and that he treated her good…. Hell, I didn’t believe that amodel worth anything would date Nate’s ass until I saw him in that Shawn Simmons video. But maybe she taught his ass how to treat a lady. I mean, damn, look at me…. I know that now, since Brendan is giving us a chance at working things out, I know I’m not going to blow my opportunity.” She’d gone on to insist that perhaps Nate had come to realize that Kim was everything he needd, and that he was going to do whatever it took to make things work, too.

  The next morning, Nate woke to the smell of bacon and eggs coming from Kim’s kitchen and the sound of his phone vibrating against the belt on his jeans.

  “You hungry?” Kim asked, as she poked her head inside the doorway and saw Nate putting on his jeans.

  “I could eat a horse right about now,” Nate said, pulling the laces on his Jordan’s.

  “That would be a lucky horse,” Kim said. “I hope we’re talking female horse, too.”

  “Real funny. I’m going to have to get you an audition for Comic View. But yeah, make me a bacon and egg sandwich.”

  “How do you know that’s what I cooked?” Kim asked, sitting on the bed.

  “I know what pork smells like.”

  “You got a problem with pork, sir?”

  Nate stood and headed for the bathroom. “Nope. As long as the pig ain’t still wiggling. Ya know what I’m saying?”

  They both laughed while Nate washed his hands, and then they headed for the kitchen. Nate felt his phone ringing again, but when he looked at the number he didn’t recognize it.

  “Do you need some privacy?” Kim asked him sarcastically, when she heard his cell vibrating.

  Nate flipped open his phone and dialed his grandmother’s number. “Hey, Nana. What’s going on? Did you need anything?” Even though his grandmother hadn’t called him, he knew she would always jump right into a conversation with him and tell him of at least two items that she needed from somewhere. It was an old trick that had always worked to quell suspicions that arose when women saw he was reluctant to answer his calls.

  “Okay, I’ll stop by in a little bit,” Nate answered. “Okay. All right. Bye bye.” He hung up. While the two of them ate Kim occasionally looked across the table at Nate, staring with admiration for the dedication that he showed his grandmother.

  Nate left Kim right after he finished eating with the assurance that he would be back to pick her up to take her to the doctor’s office at three. He didn’t know it, but Kim had been having sharp pains in her side and she feared she might have a bladder problem, or worse. She’d had some tests run the previous week, and today she was going to get the results.

  As soon as Nate got into his car, he pulled out his cellphone. He was so preoccupied with returning the call that he pulled too far into the road and had to back up to keep from getting the front of his truck smashed.

  “Yesss,” the voice on the other end of the phone answered.

  Nate didn’t recognize the voice on the other end of the line. “This is Nate. Someone called me from this number.”

  “Nathan, how are you, my dear? Long time no hear from…this is Shawn.”

  “Shawn? Shawn from…?” Nate asked.

  “Very funny. Shawn Simmons.”

  Nate grew silent while he gathered himself. He couldn’t guess why she would be calling him now. “The one and only. How are you?”

  She didn’t make him guess. “I’m good. Look, sweety, I’m in town on the way to New York this afternoon to do 106 & Park, and I was wondering if you would come with me. I would really appreciate it.”

  “Well, I kind of have something to do.”

  Shawn huffed into the phone and told her driver, “Turn here.” Then she continued. “Look, Nate. I need you to do this. I don’t have an escort and I need you to go. Image is everything. All you have to do is stand around and look like you’re waiting for my every request.”

  “I don’t know,” Nate began.

  “Nate, I know that you’re not still upset with me about that stuff in New York with Sahleen. As I understand it you two still aren’t speaking, but hey, this is business. Besides, I’m through with her as well.”

  “Oh, is that right?” Nate asked.

  “Yeah. She’s not to be trusted. She’d screw her brother if she thought that it would help her get somewhere.” Nate didn’t reply. He truly was still stinging from what had happened. Shawn went on. “Shit, I found out that she’d slept with my sister’s husband in her house at a party we had there on the Fourth of July. Her husband is Phil Jeffery. He hires actresses for a couple of soaps, and he probably promised her a part. Sahleen is a real tramp.

  “Anyway, what do you say? Can you help me out or what? I promise that if you do I will take real good care of you for the rest of the evening. I don’t go back to LA until Thursday. And I know that I’ll be lonely in that big old room down on Park Avenue. It could be just me and you…you know? Taking care of some unfinished business. We could even send Sahleen a picture thanking her.” Then she giggled.

  Instantly Nate remembered Shawn’s naked body, and he began to cave in. As he drove toward his apartment Shawn filled his head with promises of a great time. It wasn’t long before he was gung-ho. The idea that he had put a little “come back” on the sex that he had given her made his chest poke out. Shawn explained that she wasn’t into women anymore, and that it had been the devil in her. She insisted that she was over it completely. She told him that she had thought about him often since that night but had been afraid to call him for fear of rejection. Imagine that.

  Before Nate realized how much time had passed it was after six o’clock in the evening and he was in Harlem at the studio with Shawn. He had ignored at least ten of Kim’s calls.

  After being forced to go by herself to the doctor, she had been diagnosed with tumors on her ovaries and had been told that she wouldn’t be able to have children. Even worse there was the threat that they might even be cancerous. And as Kim lay across her bed in tears watching 106 & Park on BET, she saw Nate sitting in the front row as Free gave him a shout out for his appearance in the video. At that moment she knew why Nate had stood her up.

  Kim never answered the phone when Daphne called her from the salon, where BET was on the tube as well. Kim continued to cry as she took tablet after tablet of Percocet, a strong medication prescribed for severe pain, and washed them down with gin. She barely had enough energy to whimper, as her body grew limp when she drifted off. She thought she was speaking out loud, but then realized that it w
as only in her head that she heard herself repeating the words, Nate doesn’t love me…He never will…I wish he would die…I wish he would die…I wish he would…I wish…he wool die…I…wush…he…woo…die…I…wus…he…wud…die. She murmured inside of her own mind until all conscious thoughts had escaped.

  Chapter 31

  IN TOO DEEP

  Nate spent the night with Shawn Simmons after leaving the show at BET. It was so good that he ended up spending the next one with her as well, which was her final night on the East Coast. They seemed to genuinely like each other. Nate found the down-to-earth attitude Shawn had in spite of her wealth and fame intriguing. Likewise, Shawn liked Nate’s relaxed attitude toward life and his “street edge.” She wondered out loud a few times how he could afford to just hang out with her and never once mention so much as a job. It was obvious that he had money from the clothes he wore and the car he drove. In the back of her mind she suspected that he was a big-time drug dealer, and the notion only seemed to turn her on more.

  When she invited him back to LA with her the next day, she acted surprised when he accepted. He didn’t leave a number anywhere, nor had he bothered to check his messages until he had been in LA for three days. He knew that he would hear Kim cursing him out about standing her up. He wanted to enjoy his little getaway before he dealt with the guilt trip he knew was coming.