Her Nine Month Confession

by Kim Lawrence

  Out of the list Lily could see herself doing one: the cup of tea sounded good.

  ‘I’m—’

  ‘Let me guess, fine?’ he drawled, sounding bored.

  ‘Well, I am.’ She directed a pointed look at his hand planted on the middle of her chest. ‘But I won’t be if I can’t breathe.’

  The pressure immediately lessened, which did not help the breathless feeling, suggesting it had more to do with than his proximity. She pressed her eyelids closed and breathed in the scent of his skin. Blindfolded, she could find him in a room of a hundred people; it was terrifying how fine-tuned all her senses were to him.

  ‘Can I get up now?’ Unaided, Lily, she reminded herself. Despite all her best intentions, she had leaned on him a lot during the last couple of weeks, and he’d been there. She was under no illusion, despite his deeply developed sense of duty, now that Emmy was out of danger how much contact he would want.

  Access was the least she owed him; it was a debt she could not begin to pay. During the last weeks of uncertainty, her entire focus had been on her daughter’s...their daughter’s recovery. Lily had not even begun to think about what happened next, once Emmy was out of danger.

  ‘Slowly.’

  She did so, swinging her legs over the side of the bed. They were in a curtained cubicle in an empty bay of beds. As she got up he pulled aside the curtain with a swish of fabric.

  ‘You all right?’

  She lowered the hand she had lifted to her head. ‘Fine,’ she lied, fighting a wave of nausea.

  ‘Drink the tea.’ He wheeled the trolley closer and pointed at it.

  ‘Is that an order?’ His attitude made her want to grind her teeth and do the exact opposite, but she was awfully thirsty so it probably wasn’t worth making a fuss.

  ‘Don’t shoot the messenger.’

  His ironic comment brought her eyes to his face, seeing for the first time the lines of strain etched around his spectacular eyes. Over the last couple of weeks she had rarely given much thought to how he was feeling.

  ‘This stoic stuff is admirable, to a point,’ he continued, ‘and then it just gets irritating. I know it goes against the grain for you to agree with anything I say and you have established the fact that my opinion counts for nothing. But none of those points are my idea. They are the doctor’s orders. Emily Rose,’ he said, enjoying giving her her full title, ‘is asleep. And you will be of little use to her if you end up as a patient here yourself.’

  ‘All right.’

  His brows lifted at the ready capitulation. ‘Common sense? Will wonders never cease?’

  She acknowledged the rueful comment with a twitch of her nose and admitted, ‘I know I need sleep, but I haven’t been able to switch off for weeks. I think I’ve forgotten how.’

  She gave a yawn and a stretch and, his eyes on the smooth section of midriff it revealed, he found himself thinking of several interesting methods of helping her switch off... He on the other hand felt very switched on!

  She lowered her arms, but the damage was done; all he could think about was kissing a path up the soft curve of her belly...or down and—

  ‘Besides, I couldn’t bear for her to wake up and be alone.’

  The plaintive admission made him feel like a total bastard, when all he could think about was getting her clothes off.

  ‘She’s not going to be alone when she wakes up,’ he soothed, the colour scoring his cheekbones the only remaining evidence of the frustration that burned in his veins. ‘Your mother will be there and the nurses who, let’s face it, she has managed to wrap around her little finger.’

  Lily grinned then yawned again, her hand patting her mouth. If this didn’t stop soon she’d dislocate her jaw. ‘She really is a charmer, isn’t she?’ she agreed with pride. ‘You’re right.’

  ‘Now that hardly hurt at all, did it?’

  She shot him a look. ‘I do need some sleep. Could you give me a lift to the B & B?’ Did that sound pushy? ‘Or if you’re busy I could get a cab. Oh, could you ask Mum for the room card?’ Though Lily had only been to the small B & B once or twice, her mum had been sleeping there—except on the couple of occasions she had taken advantage of Ben’s offer of his helicopter and flown back home.

  On the last occasion she had come back that same evening admitting that she could get very used to that form of transport. Then she had broken the news to Lily that her secret was no longer a secret.

  News travelled fast in a small rural community and everyone now knew the identity of Emmy’s father.

  Lily hadn’t really expected the news to spread so quickly. She had half anticipated that Ben’s grandfather might have wanted to bury the truth but he hadn’t and Lily found, rather to her own surprise, that she was not particularly concerned.

  The only person she hadn’t wanted to know was Ben and now that he did, other people gossiping didn’t really matter to her.

  ‘Not walk?’ he mocked.

  ‘Actually I could, couldn’t I?’ She realised, missing the irony totally, the small B & B where her mum had taken a room was literally just round the corner from the hospital.

  The initial idea had been for them to take turns sleeping there, but Lily had found it much less stressful to sleep in a chair by her daughter’s bed.

  He looked at her for a moment and shook his head. ‘No, you couldn’t. I will take you, though obviously I will expect petrol money.’

  The comment drew a reluctant smile from Lily. It was so much easier to smile now that the crushing weight of fear she hadn’t even been conscious of carrying had been lifted. It was there but no longer oppressive. It wouldn’t be gone until they were home.

  ‘Thank you.’ She took a sip of the tea and grimaced before calling after him. ‘It’s incredible, isn’t it?’

  Framed in the open doorway, he turned. She was sitting there on the bed cross-legged, her face framed by wild curls. Smiling, she looked too young to be a mother. The effort of not crossing the room and pulling her under him on the bed was hard enough to bring beads of sweat to his upper lip.

  She was incredible, so sweet and brave. Of course, she was also stubborn enough to drive a man insane, but he imagined most men would consider it a privilege.

  ‘It is, yes.’

  Until he spoke Lily hadn’t been aware that she was holding her breath. As he vanished she released it, conscious of a gnawing sense of anticlimax. Had she imagined the tension in the air, the heavy throb of sexual awareness...?

  * * *

  Ten minutes later, her blood pressure had been checked and she had been discharged by a junior doctor who, in Ben’s opinion, had a hell of a lot to learn about professional distance. Now they made their way to the main entrance.

  Lily read out loud the sign above the space near the main entrance where Ben had parked his long sleek silver car.

  ‘Reserved for the Chief Administrative Officer.’

  ‘What can I say? I’m a rebel.’ Torn between irritation and amusement, because she seemed genuinely outraged at the rule infringement, he made a placatory gesture. ‘Trust me, you’re more likely to see a flock of pigs fly past than see an administrator at work on a Saturday.’

  Lily had forgotten it was the weekend, slightly alarming, but she wouldn’t let it go without making her point. ‘What would happen if we all went around breaking the rules?’

  ‘You think a bit of illegal parking is going to trigger the downfall of society?’

  She gave a sudden grin. ‘No, but it’s fun winding you up.’

  ‘You little—!’

  Heart pounding, she waited, but before Ben reached her a man in a porter’s uniform appeared, almost hidden behind the enormous elaborate flower arrangement he carried.

  ‘Miss Gray?’

  Lily nodded, then, realising he couldn�
�t see her, said, ‘Yes?’

  ‘I’m on the front desk today, thought I saw you leaving.’ A head appeared around the side and she recognised one of the porters who had taken Emmy down to the X-ray department a few times. ‘This arrived for you.’

  ‘I’ll take that.’ Ben took the package by the handle of the massive wicker basket that the flowers were arranged in. He handed Lily the card without comment.

  Lily paused to thank the porter before tearing the envelope open. ‘Who on earth?’ Then she smiled, thinking, Lara.

  Her twin had sent a daily text to ask after Emmy but they had not spoken at all. It had been their mother who had broken the news to Lara—the double news.

  Watching her, Ben saw the smile and then saw it fall as she said, ‘It’s from your grandfather.’

  ‘Who did you think it was from?’

  Still frowning, she looked up from the card she had read twice now. ‘What...? Oh, I thought it might be from Lara.’

  It took him a few seconds to recognise the emotion that fell away when he realised the flowers weren’t from an admirer—jealousy. Aware that Lily was looking expectantly at him, he pushed through the sense of shock and pulled himself together enough to respond. ‘Of course, it would be.’

  Ben had said little after he had told his grandfather, but it had gone a lot better than he’d anticipated.

  ‘He says he’s looking forward to meeting his great-granddaughter...’ An old-fashioned sort of man, the elderly landowner was not the type of person who was relaxed about single parents. ‘And he is happy to welcome me into the family...wow!’ The sentiment was almost as over the top as the flowers.

  ‘Aren’t you surprised?’ she persisted, talking to Ben’s back as he stowed the flowers in the boot of the car before coming round to open the passenger door for her.

  ‘Not really—he had about given up on me having children.’

  ‘I really thought it would be awkward. I’m so relieved,’ she admitted. ‘I was worried that Mum might lose her home and job.’

  Ben looked shocked by the suggestion. ‘Good God, Lily, he’s a stubborn old sod but he’s not a monster. He’d never punish your mother for the sins of—’

  ‘Me,’ she completed, sliding into the car with a face set like a carved cameo to hold back the sudden desire to cry.

  Cursing fluently, Ben went round to his side of the car and got in. The car purred into life and he turned to Lily.

  ‘That wasn’t what I was about to say. I was just mixing up my metaphors and if we are talking sin...fair enough, bring it on!’

  The invitation brought her head around. Ben was looking straight ahead, but she sucked in a tiny breath as he turned to face her. The blaze of sheer hunger in his eyes sent a deep shudder from her scalp to her curling toes.

  ‘Because I for one—’ she froze, unable to move a muscle as his long, warm fingers curved around her jaw ‘—enjoyed it, very much.’

  If her brain hadn’t shut down she might have guessed what he meant to do, but it came as a total shock as, still holding her eyes, he fitted his mouth to hers.

  Lily sighed, her eyes closing, her fingers clutching at air. The sensual caress deepened and her sigh became a soft moan in his mouth. He tasted so— Then it was over. His face stayed close to hers; she could feel his breath on her cheeks, on her eyelids.

  ‘It felt like that, and it gave us Emily Rose. If you want to call it sin, fine. I call it something...rare, very rare.’

  She felt his hand brush against her breast as he straightened away from her. The next moment the big car was moving with a low growl out of the illegal parking space.

  ‘Damned roadworks!’

  How did he do that? Her world had just shifted on its axis and he was acting as though nothing had happened between them. Layers of confusion on top of layers of fatigue meant that five minutes later she was wondering if any of that had actually just happened or had she fallen asleep and dreamt it all?

  She was also wondering where she was. Lily held her tongue but as they turned into an affluent-looking tree-lined road of large private houses that overlooked a pretty park she had to say something. ‘You’re going the wrong way.’

  ‘No, I’m going the right way.’

  Lily sighed. What was it with men and admitting they were lost? ‘I know I’m a mere woman but—’ Her voice raised a panicky octave. ‘Why are we stopping here?’

  They had drawn up at the end of the road outside the last house. The largest by far, and Edwardian-looking, it was set back a long way and screened from the road by mature trees.

  Presuming he was looking for some place to turn around, Lily twisted in her seat. As she did so the big high gates of the house opened and Ben drove through them. He brought the car to a halt on the cobbled forecourt.

  He glanced at his phone. ‘Fifteen minutes, not bad.’

  ‘I suppose you’re going to tell me what you’re doing some time soon? Or am I meant to guess?’ she asked crankily as she stifled a yawn. Weirdly the erotic incident felt as though it had happened to someone else.

  ‘Didn’t I say?’ He held out a bunch of keys and dropped them in her lap. ‘You’re all set.’ He swivelled in his seat and glanced up, a critical frown furrowing his brow at the well-kept period façade. ‘So what do you think?’

  ‘Of what? Look, Ben, I’m tired. I’m not really in the mood for a treasure hunt.’ Or being kissed... Liar, liar, pants on fire, intoned the scornful voice in her head.

  ‘It’s not perfect,’ he admitted, ‘and clearly not a permanent solution, but there was not much choice within travelling distance of the hospital.’ Before she could respond to this obscure comment, he had leapt athletically out of the car.

  Pressing her fingers to her temples, she waited while he came around to open the passenger door.

  ‘Have you got a headache?’

  She dropped her hands, turned her head and looked at him. ‘It’s only a matter of time,’ she predicted. ‘Look, at this rate it will be time to get back to the hospital before I even get the B & B.’ The fizz of adrenaline after the all-clear had got her this far, but Lily doubted it would get her much farther. Her head felt like cotton wool and even lifting an arm was an effort.

  He nodded, his eyes skimming her pale features. ‘You look totally spaced out,’ he roughed out huskily.

  Lily roused herself to respond tetchily, ‘Well, you don’t look like an oil painting either.’

  If only that were true. Even barely able to keep her eyelids open, just looking at him suffused her body with a deep ache of longing so intense that for a moment she couldn’t breathe. No oil paint existed that could possibly begin to convey the level of sheer energy he exuded.

  He lifted a rueful hand to the stubble on his jaw, his mobile lips quirked in grin. ‘I’d like to think you love me for more than my body and sartorial elegance.’

  She opened her mouth to retort in a similar style that she didn’t love him at all when the light bulbs in her head started flashing. The blood drained from her face.

  Love!

  When...how did that happen?

  Love...? Not the childish crush that had turned him into a hero figure or even the passionate primal response to him as a man, but a soul-deep longing.

  ‘Not a perfect situation, obviously—’

  She blinked. How long had she been sitting there with her mouth open? It had felt like a century, but Ben continued talking as if nothing had happened. Well, for him she supposed it hadn’t.

  ‘I picked up the keys this morning.’

  She sat there trying to gather some strength before she levered herself out of the car with a gentle grunt of effort. There was no question of taking the hand he offered; she could barely look him in the face.

  ‘You’re staying here?’ she said, struggling to move pa
st this sudden paralysing shyness as she focused on the building behind him.

  She liked its solid proportions and the magical little green oasis of its setting, but it seemed an odd choice for Ben, who she saw more as an industrial loft sort of man.

  ‘Have you been listening to a word I’ve been saying?’ His exasperation faded as he scanned her face. ‘Come in,’ he said, concern roughing his voice as he placed a guiding hand in the small of her back.

  ‘I’m staying here?’

  She walked ahead of him through the massive red door with its stained-glass panels. There were more panels in the big square hallway but, while most of the period features were in situ, including the mellow wood block floor, the décor was much more modern. The paintwork was all muted pastels, bright splashes of colour provided by an eclectic collection of modern art.

  Feeling his eyes on her, she turned, looking at him through her lashes as she tipped her head. ‘It’s a very nice house,’ she said politely.

  ‘It’s only temporary. I bought it fully furnished so—what do the estate agents always say, look past the décor? The previous owners used the cottage in the garden for the housekeeper...she could stay on.’

  ‘I think it’s lovely, but I don’t really understand what it has got to do with me.’ Her head was full of her discovery; houses came a very poor second to love. When had it happened? Was it normal for love to creep up this way? Had it been little things like the silly ties?

  ‘I’ll explain tomorrow. What you need now is sleep.’ He glanced towards the big central staircase, wondering if she’d make it under her own steam.

  Lily didn’t move. ‘You bought it...but why...?’ And when did he have the time? ‘Have you decided to move into property development?’

  ‘Not at the moment. Look, by now we both know that they allow children home a lot quicker when they live close enough to make treatment or checks on a daily basis possible.’

  ‘You bought a house so that Emmy could get home sooner...?’ She choked back the emotional sob that was never far away, her voice quivering as she said quietly, ‘You believed she’d get well.’