I don’t care if that’s his girlfriend. The last thing I needed was to be verbally attacked while he stood there, defending her, asking me to step back when I didn’t even start it. I did, though. I stepped back, confused and ashamed of myself for my reaction. Finally, under his scrutiny, all the anger evaporated out of me. I had to remind myself that he was James’s brother and my rapist. It was what it was, and now I had to make a choice. If I stayed here, I’d have to learn to live and accept the past and move on, and I don’t want to leave James, or this place. We’ve come so far to be here and I’m not willing to let it slip through our fingers.
While I took a moment to look over at James and Azami, I started to calm further until Becky slammed into Ryan’s back, causing him to collide with me. I panicked and shoved at him, just as she reached around and swatted me in the side of the head, causing my ear to ring.
“What the hell!” I yelled, grabbing my ear.
All the rage that had just vanished reappeared. I hurled myself, pretty impressively I might add, into and over Ryan as he tried to hold me back. Vaguely, in the back of my mind, I was aware that Ryan’s arms were wrapped around my waist while I struggled to break free from his grip and head straight for Becky.
“Wait.” She was backing up now, looking nervous, not as ready to fight me as she thought. Wait? She wanted me to wait. After she smacked me in the side of the head. I was about to grab her shirt and land a blow to her face when someone restrained my arms.
I squirmed at first and then a soft breath touched my ear, “Please.” Ryan said again, “Ignore her. She’s not worth it.” His hands slid down and held my wrists, pulling them against my chest to make an X. A slight panic began to run through me again. Why would he think touching me would be ok? “Let go, and I mean right now. Don’t ever touch me,” I growled low in my throat.
“Sorry.” He murmured, apologizing for more than just this incident. I could hear the sound of regret and defeat all in that one word. Sliding his hands from my wrists, he turned his attention to Becky. “You need to mind your business and your mouth. You almost got your ass kicked.”
She didn’t say anything to him, just glared at him for calling her out.
James stood a few feet away, still holding onto Azami and continued to speak as if nothing happened, “Of course that’s what I want. We have our mattress, so we can sleep on it and Ian can sleep on his.”
“Actually,” Ryan began, “My room’s not big enough for two mattresses. We can use your mattress because it’s bigger. We’ll work on the sleeping arrangements later, away from here.” He looked over at Becky and then glanced at me. “Let’s finish our tour.” Ryan said, then walked over to the tunnel that he and the other guys came from when we first arrived.
“James?” I asked out loud.
“I’m here.” He gave my hand a squeeze and caught stride with me, pulling Azami alongside him.
“Why didn’t you warn me about Becky?” I noticed he hadn’t been seeing anything before it happened since we got here; not about this incident with Becky or his brother.
“I don’t know. I haven’t seen anything since we’ve arrived.” He looked just as confused as I felt.
We walked halfway down the tunnel and holes started to appear throughout the walls. “This is where everyone sleeps.” We walked passed about ten holes and then stopped. The entrance had a dark green curtain for the door. “This is my room.” Ryan said, climbing through the hole.
James and Azami ducked in first, and then I hesitantly followed. The inside of the room was a lot bigger than I would have guessed. The entrance made it look small, but Ryan was right, there was no way two mattresses would fit in here. There was enough room for our mattress, which would leave a much smaller walkway.
An old torn up mattress, pillow, and a thin blanket took up most of the room. There was a shelf in the back that held a few items I couldn’t make out.
“It’s nothing much, just a place to sleep.” He paused. “Oh, and I have cards, dice, and some paper and pencil over here.” He pointed to the items I couldn’t see. “You can use them whenever you’d like, Azami.” He smiled down at her, breaking my heart with his words. How many times had I wished for a father when I was younger, lost to the foster care system. Now here I was, watching the man who raped me to save me the only way he felt he could, look at the result of his actions with confusion and joy; his daughter. I feel like I should be irate―tell everyone what he did to me and leave. How can I stay here under this suffocating secret? I only knew that I had to. Life is not what it used to be, and without Ryan, there would be no Azami. That is something I could never imagine my life without. I have to make this situation work for us, no matter my feelings. I decide that I am going to move on from this. I have to for my family’s sake. My past pain is a dull ache now, and it’s something that I can live with. Hell, maybe we can both find some sort of closure to this and work together to make a life for ourselves… but separately.
“So when do you want to go back and get our mattress?” James asked Ryan.
“Well, little brother, I think that’s something my buddies and I will do. You should stay in here where it’s safe.”
“Safe?” I asked without thinking. It was the first time I engaged him in conversation.
He stared at me for a moment too long, with a slight smile on his face before he answered. “We’ve encountered a new breed of Infected recently on our raids and I don’t want to take any chances with you out there.” Ryan said, rubbing James’s head. I knew how much James hated to be treated like a child.
“I can take care of myself.” James said, his tone harsh. I gave him a look that told him he best mind his manners.
Ryan noticed, “I know you can take care of yourself. You made it on your own for a long time, but now that you’re here, I want to try and keep you safe. For me. Do you understand?”
James nodded, “I love you, too.”
Ryan smiled and gave him a one armed hug, “Besides, I think that Uncle Dane and a couple of the other guys already went and picked it up so now I think it’s time for you to meet everyone else.”
“Why does that Becky girl care if we sleep in here with you?” James asked. The tips of Ryan’s ears tinted pink, his eyes flashing to me for a second before skirting away, “She doesn’t care that you sleep in here, but she cares that Lillie sleeps in here. Becky used to be my girlfriend. We broke up about a month back and she’s obviously not gotten over it.”
“Why not? Why did you break up with her?” James continued with his questions.
“You ask a lot of questions, don’t you?” Ryan laughs, rubbing his neck nervously. “She’s just having a hard time with me being around all the time. I broke it off with her because she doesn’t know how to be faithful. Do you know what I mean without going into detail?”
“Yes.”
“Good. Now that that’s over, let’s go meet everyone.” Ryan breathed out a sigh of relief, happy he was done with the awkward questions.
I watched as Ryan led the way down the cave tunnel. I couldn’t help the attraction my body had to him. My mind kept trying to tell me I shouldn’t have these feelings, that he attacked me and took something away from me, but at the same time, he gave me everything too. I don’t know if I would have had the will to even survive if not for her. I truly believe that I wouldn’t have made it this far without Azami. So in a way, he saved my life. I couldn’t hate him for that, no matter how hard I tried.
We walked back into the main cavern just as their Uncle Dane and a couple other guys were hauling our stuff in. I walked in their direction. James and Azami followed out of habit.
“I could have come and helped you with that.” I told him, trying to take the bag of canned foods I’d hit him with earlier.
“That’s alright. We got it. Don’t think I’ll be giving you this bag back anytime soon.” He said as he and a few others started to laugh.
“Yeah, she’s got one hell of a swing, doesn’t she Dane?�
�� Another guy in the group said.
“She sure does, Zack.” Dane agreed.
Zack had dark hair and looked to be in his early thirties. He was built, too. I was beginning to wonder what they fed the guys around here. They were all ripped with muscles, some more than others. Most were pretty damn good looking, too. It made me feel inadequate; as if I was surrounded by Adonis’ and I was the ugly duckling. My appearance has always been plain. The only thing that stood out were my green eyes.
Ryan started introductions with the guys who helped pack in our stuff. “Lillie, James, Azami, you already know our Uncle Dane, but this is Zack,” he said, pointing to the brown haired man who waved at us as he walked by with some of our stuff. “And that’s Jeff.” He pointed to the black haired man, his hair still hanging in his face. Jeff just grunted in our direction and continued with his task.
Ryan turned to the rest of the room and started introducing them. “You already met Mason and Michael, as well as Becky. This is Jen,” He pointed to the blond girl who had been with Becky earlier and who was still attached to Michael. She waved politely and smiled. “This here is Rosie, Uncle Dane’s wife.” Their aunt dipped her head, but remained quiet. She hadn’t said a word to anyone but Dane since I saw her the first time, “And Harris, Marie, Josie, Dustin, Jeremiah, Jake, Shelly, and Luke. There are more people about that I’ll introduce you to when we see them.”
“It’s very nice to meet you all. Thank you for taking us in.” I somehow manage to choke out.
“Yeah, sure,” Someone said sarcastically under their breath.
When I looked to see who it was, Jen had elbowed Becky in the side and whispered something to her while Michael laughed beside them. I had no intentions of wasting another second on her petty bullshit. I walked over to our stuff and picked out a little box, the box I packed James’s articles in.
“Here.” I handed it to him.
He tucked the box under his arm. Ryan looked at it and opened his mouth like he was going to ask a question, but then thought better of it and closed it again.
“Wow, look at the time. It’s almost time for dinner.” Uncle Dane said. “Let’s go eat.” Some of the people in our group followed Dane and others went back to what they were doing before the introductions started.
We reentered the kitchen area and had dinner. Ryan dished us our food and made sure we had everything we needed. Another excellent meal, almost identical to the dish we had at lunch, but this time we had green beans instead of carrots. While we ate, people asked us how we lived, and where we came from. I let James do most of the talking because he was good at story telling. He didn’t tell anyone about his mother, or being chased by the Infected. Of course, I never mentioned Ryan really being Ian.
“We were rather lucky when we stumbled upon James. He’s one of the two best things in my life.” I nudged James and we shared a secret smile.
Azami leaned into my arm, rubbing her eyes. “Are you tired, baby?” I asked her.
“Yes.” She mumbled.
Ryan was up before I could ask about the room. “Let me get the mattresses switched around and we can take her there.” I nodded and wrapped one arm around her waist, pulling her into my lap.
By the time everything was moved around, Azami had passed out in my arms. Our mattress was laid on the ground in place of the tattered one we had seen earlier. Our pillows were in their places and our blankets folded nicely on top and it made me smile. Everyone seemed very hospitable. James walked over and plopped himself on the bed and was asleep in no time. I was envious. I would love to be able to sleep that easily.
I laid Azami next to James. They looked so cute together. Now that I knew they were related, I couldn’t stop comparing them to one another. They had so many similar features.
Ryan was the first to break the silence. “Here’s your stuff.”
I took the backpack he was handing me, looking at the material instead of meeting his eyes, remembering why I took it off. “Thanks.” The word slipped out before I could catch it. His eyes lit up with hope.
“Listen…” Ryan began.
“Don’t. Not yet.” I demanded.
He ran his hands through his hair, pulling it away from his scalp. He took a deep breath, clenching his jaw. I could tell he wanted to say more, his eyes were pleading with me, but I didn’t want to hear it. Now just wasn’t the time for this.
“You three can have the bed. I’ll sleep on the floor.” He snagged his pillow off the mattress and moved to lay on the hard cave floor.
I baulked. Dammit! Why in the hell do I feel bad? After all these years, I never hated him, but seeing him again, here, makes me want him to see and understand the weight I carried after his actions of being pregnant and alone. There’s nothing to be done about it, so I need to grow up and be happy with what I have.
“You can sleep up here too.” I refused to look at him, but I still caught the whip of his head in my direction. I could feel his stare boring into me, asking a thousand questions. “This is your room.”
“Are you kidding me right now?” He asked incredulously. “I know you don’t want to talk about it… but we both know I owe you… everything. I am so fucking sorry.” He threw up his hands in protest.
“Don’t.” I say again. “Please.” This time, the words are a plea.
“Okay.” He began tugging James this way and that, straightening him out, “You can sleep on the inside, next to the wall. I’ll sleep on the other side of James, next to the edge.”
“That works for me.” I agree and crawl across the kids. I hear a chuckle and look over my shoulder. Ryan’s blue eyes are glittered with happiness, obviously happy to see his brother here after so long of being apart, thinking him dead and gone.
“He’s always been such a bed hog,” He nodded toward James.
I couldn’t fight the smile. I knew exactly what he was talking about. James sleeps everywhere, leaving you to be kicked and pushed for most of the night. A little of the light returned to Ryan’s eyes when I smiled at his comment. Progress, I suppose. Baby steps.
I pulled the blankets over the kids and took my sweatshirt off, lying it next to my pillow. As soon as I was comfortable, James’s foot ends up on my lap. A giggle slipped out as I laid his calf back on the bed and patted the top of it. Glancing over, I realized Ryan was still watching me. I was a tight ball of nerves; jittery, like a high schooler with her first crush. But I wasn’t crushing on him…was I? No, of course not. I’m in an awkward situation and I’m having a hard time understanding my emotions is all. It will pass and things will get better, and I plan to make sure things get to a good place with us as long as we stay here.
“Thank you.” Ryan said quietly, startling me out of my thoughts. His gaze was trained on his fingers, twisting around in his lap. “I’m so happy my brother’s here. If it wasn’t for you, he may have never been able to find his way here, so thank you. Thank you, so much.” His voice is soft, but intense.
I studied him for the first time since we entered his room. He was trying to avoid meeting my gaze, and I understood that. “You’re welcome.”
“You’re probably tired. I’ll let you get some sleep.” Ryan said, laying down in his space fully clothed. Probably for my benefit. “I’ll get you all some toothbrushes and toothpaste tomorrow after we eat breakfast.”
I was dog-tired, but I still wanted to stay up with Ryan, even if it was just to start some idle talk to start breaking the ice. God, I’m pathetic. Get a hold of yourself, Lillian. Instead, I mumbled, “Thanks. I’m sure we could all use it,” and I couldn’t help the small giggle that escaped.
I had just begun to drift off when cool toes brushed against mine. I smiled again and shoved them away with my foot. James was always diagonal when we woke up. A low growl sent shivers up my spine, causing me to jump.
“Sorry about that. I didn’t mean to startle you,” Ryan said, voice deep and raspy.
Startle me? A more accurate description would be, gave me a heart attack
. I didn’t speak. I couldn’t. God, this was awkward. Then a worse thought crossed my mind. Was I the only one experiencing all the confliction? That somehow made everything worse.
Out of my peripheral vision, I observed him watching Azami, and smiling to himself. What’s going on in his head? It was too much to contemplate at this time of night. I closed my eyes and began to drift off, surprisingly into one of the most comforting night’s sleep I’ve ever had.
Just before my brain shut down, I heard Ryan whisper, “Goodnight, my angels.” Not that I didn’t know it before, but that confirmed to me that he was positive that Azami was his.
I have so much to think about.
Chapter 7
I woke up the next morning to the sun’s rays filtering through the small fishers in the ceiling. Being stubborn against the daylight, I declined to crack my lids. Instead, I turned on my side and found my cheek resting on James’s arm.
I sighed. It was always pleasant to have him this close to me because he and Azami were home, and I loved that feeling of knowing they were safe. I breathed him in, storing everything about him into memory. Once I finished fully breathing him in, I realized his smell was off. James always smelled like fruit; sweet and tangy, almost sugary. The arm I was currently laying on and cuddling up against was cool and smelled of earth and campfire. I reached out looking for Azami but encountered a large body instead. My eyes fluttered open and were instantly devoured by Ryan’s piercing blues. I jerked back, wiping my mouth, hoping that I didn’t drool on him.
“Oh! Sorry. You should have pushed me off you.”
Embarrassment rolled through me. Did I drool on him? Does he think I was smelling him? Oh, God! I glanced down, looking for a drool spot, but didn’t see one. When I tried to scoot back, closer to the wall, I was stunned to find it directly behind me. He was the one who had moved closer to me, so close in fact, that he was almost pressing his body against mine.
Ryan scooted back to the other side of the bed, sitting up on the edge. “Sorry, the kids must have gotten up. I didn’t realize… or I would have moved to the floor…”
Flash Series (Book 1): Infected Page 7