by Abby Ayles
Judith searched her mind, wondering if she would feel the merest bit of envy, but there was none.
Only sadness for the ill fate the duchess had suffered, and the life she could have had if the world had not been so cruel to her.
The thought dampened Judith’s spirits so much that her eyes filled with tears. Struggling not to cry, she turned away from the portrait and began to look around the room.
She lightly touched the crib. Somehow, she could tell that it had been constructed with love, from the finest wood. She wondered if Stephen had made it himself. She would not have put it past him.
There were also trunks in the chamber. She did not try to open them. She decided they probably contained the late duchess’ belongings.
Being in the room alone felt too much like trespassing. She would go no further.
Her heart sighed as her eyes strayed to the window. There was a pot with fresh flowers in it. The flowers Stephen had taken from his servant.
Everything suddenly became clear. He came here daily to change the flowers and pay his respects.
Suddenly overwhelmed by a myriad of emotions she could not fathom, she decided it was time to leave.
With hurried steps, she walked out of the chamber. As soon as she shut the door behind her, she lost her grip and the tears poured out.
She fell to the floor and wept bitterly.
She wept for the late duchess and for the child who never got to breathe air. She wept for Stephen and the pain he must have endured.
She wept for Dunham, for the darkness and sorrow that had plagued the estate for too long.
She wept for Mr. Giraud and for herself. For knowing the sadness that came with death; the anguish that came with seeing a man breathe his last.
She did not know how long she remained there, but by the time she recovered, the skies had begun to darken.
Slowly, she rose to her feet and found her way to her chamber. She remained there all evening, refusing to see anyone, or even to go down for dinner.
Finally, the wiles of sleep took her under.
It was a dreamless one.
Chapter 27
Judith made a point to avoid Stephen for the next two days, unable to bring herself to face him.
She was ashamed of how she had followed him without his knowledge and stumbled upon that which she had no right to see.
She knew she would not be able to keep her knowledge a secret for much longer. At some point, she would have to confront him.
She dreaded how he would receive the news and, for that reason, she continued to take her time to prepare herself for what would come.
On the third day, she decided she would no longer be a coward. After dressing, she stepped out in search of him.
She found him on the balcony outside the drawing room, taking tea.
“Would you mind if I joined you?” she asked as she reached his side.
He looked up at her and shook his head.
“Have a seat, please.”
Forcing a smile onto her face, she took the empty seat beside him.
“I hope you are feeling well now. I would have come to you sooner, but Amy said you were clear about not wanting to see anybody,” he said.
His voice was warm and kind. However, there was something about his voice she could not quite place. It gnawed at her.
“I looked and felt horrible. I did not want to be seen in such a state,” she explained. It was not entirely a lie.
“You also refused a physician,” he added quietly.
“Yes. I did not need one for what plagued me. I simply needed time alone, and I was able to have that.”
He paused to take in her words, looking at. She stilled, only breathing when he had finished his appraisal.
“You look well, too. I am glad. I was worried about you.”
Guilt ate at her. She had never felt so undeserving of his affections.
“I am sorry if I caused you to worry, Stephen.”
“Do not be. I, more than anyone, understand the need to take some time for yourself. In fact, I am glad that you did. You have been holding up so well since the incident. But that does not change the fact that what happened to you was an unfortunate thing. It is only human to require moments of privacy every now and then after such a terrible experience.”
How could he be so understanding? He was making things even more difficult for her.
She swallowed, hard. She had come here to speak the truth. There was no use lingering.
Summoning all the courage she’d gathered, she blurted, “I followed you.”
He cocked his brow.
Closing her eyes, she continued. “The other day. I followed you to the west wing. I saw you go into the chamber. I waited, hiding myself until you had gone. Then, I went to the door. I tried to open it; I did not really expect it to open, but it did. So, I went in. And I saw.”
She opened her eyes to hold his gaze then.
“I saw everything. I know I should not have. I was just so curious. I wondered where you disappeared to every day for a few hours. I had no inkling what was waiting beyond that door. You must understand, I feel terrible for what I did. I…” she drew in a long breath and exhaled deeply.
“I had no right. I have been so ashamed of myself. That is why I have not left my chambers. I have been too mortified with myself to face you. Oh, Stephen!” she cried, breaking into a sob. “Forgive me.”
The silence rang aloud, deafening her.
She waited, her heart beating wildly against her ribs for him to say something, anything. He remained silent.
She could not even tell what he was thinking by looking at him. His face remained impassive; his eyes darker than she had ever seen them.
His chin had become rigid and his shoulders stiff.
Her stomach quivered and the moments while she waited for him to speak were the longest she felt she had ever endured.
Finally, he broke his silence with two simple words.
“I know.”
She frowned as she heard them, not understanding.
“You know?”
He gave one curt nod.
“I know that you followed me, Judith. I knew from the moment you started to. You are not terrible skilled at it, I must say, and quite loud. I could hear your breathing and footsteps from yards away.”
Judith could hardly believe what he was saying.
He had known? How? She had been very careful, and he had acted as though he suspected nothing.
Why had he not made a detour when he knew she was following him?
Except…
Her eyes widened as realization dawned. “You pretended not to know— because you wanted me to find it.”
He smirked. “Why do you think the door was unlocked? You have always been so curious, Judith. From the moment you stepped foot in this mansion. No, from the moment you arrived at the gates. I watched you that morning. Even as you shivered from the cold, your eyes never ceased not wandering. I watched as you walked through the halls for days and met with the servants. You had questions. So many.”
“You saw me at the gate? You watched me walk through the hallways?”
How? He had only revealed himself to her at dinner and had retired to be by himself afterwards. How could he have seen her?
As though he heard the questions in her mind, he answered.
“It was I who first saw you. I was standing in the grand hall on the middle floor, looking out at the devastation caused by the storm when you arrived. I sensed you were lost and cold, so I sent Thomas to you.”
It was difficult to take in, yet it made perfect sense.
Mr. Beauregard had come from nowhere that day. She had assumed he was the one who had seen them, but it was Stephen.
He had seen her before she ever met him.
“I, too, was curious about you. I never could fathom why. So, I began to spy on you. Staying in the shadows and watching as you went about your day.”
The last piece of the puz
zle fell into place.
“It was you! You were the one in the shadows! Goodness! I could never quite rid myself of the feeling of being watched. But whenever I looked over my shoulder, I saw nothing. Once, I thought I caught sight of someone, but they moved so quickly that I could not be certain. I even feared the house was haunted.”
“Haunted?” he broke into a soft chuckle, and she wondered if she could breathe easy now, if all was forgiven.
His smile vanished as suddenly as it came, and she got her answer.
“Yes, I think perhaps you could say it was.” He paused. “So, did you find what you were looking for?”
She still could not tell whether he was angry or not. She disliked not being able to.
“She was very beautiful, the late duchess.”
He nodded. “Yes. That she was.”
“I am really very sorry. Her passing could not have been easy to bear.”
He shook his head. “No, it isn’t.”
“Will you tell me what happened?” She knew she was pushing her luck, but she needed to know everything.
Since so many revelations were being made, he could tell her the entire tale, could he not?
“Stephen?” she said softly when he did not immediately respond.
He would not so much as look at her.
“No,” he answered finally, his voice firm.
She should have heeded that warning, but she did not
“I understand it is a painful memory. However, I do think speaking about it would…”
He shot to his feet.
“I said NO! I do not want to speak about it, ever! I have given you all that I can. Ask no more of me and halt your curiosity! I no longer want you snooping about my affairs. You are a guest in this house, and you would do well to remember that. Let the event never repeat itself.”
Judith’s hands flew to her chest as she flinched, startled. For the first time since finding herself in Dunham, she was truly afraid.
She had never seen anyone look so angry, certainly not Stephen. He was like another man entirely, and she knew this was all her doing.
He did not give her time to recover from the shock of seeing him that way.
As soon as he finished bellowing, he turned and stormed from the balcony.
Judith remained there until slowly, a bleak realization dawned.
The dark clouds had finally come. Brought on by her own actions.
Goodness, what am I to do?
***
“Thomas! Thomas!”
Stephen shouted his friend’s name as he found his way to his chamber. He cares not that his servants would see him this way.
It would be worse if he did not make it to the safety of his room before his fit took him under completely.
His vision was beginning to cloud. His bones had grown weak, hurting so badly that he was now limping.
The shadows had returned in their fullness, having been kept at bay for so long. The darkness called to him, whispering malicious promises of peace.
“Thomas!”
It was not meant to be like this. When he had found out he was being followed, he had been furious, yes. Nevertheless, he had tried to understand her.
He had even told himself he would forgive her curiosity and not hold any grievance against her.
He had hidden himself in the hallway as she cried.
He knew she believed him long gone, but he had not left. He had simply made her think so. He had watched as she entered the room and waited until she came out.
When he had seen her broken down in tears, it had taken everything in him not to go to her. Eventually, she had pulled herself together and, as she rose to her feet, he had hurried away, not wanting to be seen.
He had wondered how he should manage the situation. Should he would confront her, or give her the chance to come to him herself?
However, she had decided to hide herself.
He had missed her, terribly. Many times, he had wanted to go to her, to tell her that her sins were forgiven, and she no longer had to lock herself away.
Alas, he had not done so, aware that if they were ever to discuss what had happened, she must be the one to initiate the conversation.
He had truly thought he was fine with her knowing. He had believed he did not mind her curiosity.
However, hearing her probe him further had made something snap inside him.
Why would she not just let it be? He never wanted to speak about it. He never wanted to go back to that dark evening.
Why could she not understand that? Why could she not simply respect his wishes?
The memories were too much to bear, too painful to revisit.
Did she not see that?
“Thomas!”
He could no longer hold himself up. Leaning against the wall, he fought to go on.
He had to reach his chamber.
“Thomas!” he shouted again, his voice, weak. He was struggling; he could barely breathe. He heard footsteps then and he knew his savior was near.
“Your Grace!”
Relief washed over him as Thomas arrived.
He could scarcely make out his butler’s form through his blurred vision, but he felt his presence. Felt his arms as they went around him, bearing his weight.
“I’m here. My goodness! I am sorry it took me so long, but I’m here now. I’m here now.”
“Good,” Stephen replied weakly. “Good.”
Thankfully, they managed to make it to his chamber. As soon as the door shut behind them, he crumbled to the ground and his world went blank.
Chapter 28
Stephen awoke sometime in the middle of the night.
When his eyes fell upon Thomas seated on a chair by his bedside, watching over him, he smiled.
“You should get some sleep, old man. You are not as sturdy as you used to be. Your body needs its rest.”
Thomas huffed. “I could say the same for you.”
“I am younger and stronger than you,” Stephen protested.
Thomas shook his head. “Doesn’t seem like it. Not from where I’m sitting. You should go back to sleep. You need your rest.”
Stephen’s eyes narrowed. “Sometimes, Thomas, I wonder who the master is.”
Thomas’s response was a sweet smile, made visible by the gas lamp that remained lit, glowing softly.
“Why, you, Your Grace. Who else could it be?”
Stephen chuckled. He would have said something, but the wiles of sleep claimed him once more.
When he roused himself again, it was dawn, and Thomas was still in his chamber, but, this time, he was standing by the window, looking out over the fields.
He did not look Stephen’s way but, somehow, he knew Stephen had awoken.
“It’s a beautiful day, Your Grace. A perfect one for a ride out. What do you say?”
Stephen started to rise but his body protested, still aching from the fit.
He heaved a sigh when he finally managed to sit up.
“How bad was it?” he asked.
Thomas did not ask what he was talking about. Turning away from the window, the butler came to stand by his bed.
“Worse than it has been in a long while,” he answered.
Stephen sighed again.
Thomas was quick to add, “I think it was because you haven’t suffered any seizures in weeks. It returned with quite the tide.”
“Yes, that would explain it.”
Stephen paused as he wondered whether he wanted to hear the answer to his next question. He decided to ask, regardless.
“Did anybody see?”
“A few servants, but they know to keep their mouths shut. Thankfully, we reached your chamber before you collapsed.”
Before Stephen could say another word, Thomas rang the bell by his bedside.
“I asked Sarah to prepare your favorite. It will be brought up in a moment.”
Stephen nodded. “Thank you, Thomas.”