Kentucky Sunrise

by Fern Michaels

  Damn. Where did she go every day at four o’clock?

  The late-afternoon sunshine filtered through the venetian blinds and danced on the far wall above a tropical fish tank. The psychiatrist settled herself more comfortably and sipped her herbal tea. “We have thirty minutes left, Nealy. Is there anything special you’d like to bring up? Any cobwebs you need to clear away?”

  Nealy eyed the fish swimming lazily around the tank, in and out of the evergreen decoration, through a mock tunnel and out the other side and then up to the top. “I think you need a bigger fish tank. It doesn’t seem fair to keep them in such a small contained place. Don’t they need more room? What kind of life is that?”

  Liz eyed the fish tank. “You could be right. I’ll look into it. How are things going with Emmie?”

  Nealy beamed. “Very well. I never thought . . . never knew . . . she was as good as she is. I didn’t know it rubbed off on her. She’s got the whole thing down pat. I couldn’t find one thing to criticize. Not that I would. No, that’s not true, I would have, but I would have been more tactful than I used to be. I hate to say this, but I think she’s better than I was.”

  “Why do you hate to say it?”

  Startled, Nealy blinked. “I guess I didn’t . . . don’t want her to be as good. She didn’t work half as hard as I had to. She sailed in and took over. She stared me down and said, ‘I’m damn well going to do it.’ I worked like a dog, all hours of the day and night. I was always exhausted, but I did it. I trained. She’s just . . . doing it. Does that make sense to you?”

  “The question is, Nealy, does it make sense to you?”

  “No. I resent it. She just stepped into it, whereas I had to bust my ass to get where I am, and you’re damn right, I resent it. Those horses are mine with the exception of Hifly, who is hers. Blue Diamond Farms is mine. I damn well earned it. My whole life is in that farm, and she’s entitled to half. Half of everything I broke my back to build to what that farm is today. Half. On top of that, she inherits SunStar Farms. It’s not fair.”

  “Why don’t you sell your half to her? We already established that your attachment to Blue Diamond is mostly guilt and not love. You could sell out to her and move on.”

  “That’ll be the day! Until just recently, she never showed any real interest in the farm or the horses. She was content to take her dividend checks and blow the rest off. While I worked like a dog to make sure she got those handsome dividend checks.”

  “Do you think your attitude might have something to do with all of that? Remember, she had and still has a medical condition that was building in her and will be with her for the rest of her life.”

  “So I wasn’t a perfect mother. Who is these days? I made sure my children were well provided for. Maybe I didn’t bake cookies, but I always made sure there were cookies to eat. Maybe I didn’t take them to church, but I made sure they went to church on Sundays. Even though I didn’t do their laundry, it got done, and they had clean clothes, and while someone else cooked the food, it was nourishing. I did make them take their vitamins.”

  “Did you ever kiss them good night? Did they ever kiss you good night?”

  Nealy squirmed in her chair, her eyes on the fish tank. “I’m sure I did when they were little. Nick used to hug me. He was more attached to his father. Emmie always more or less stood on the sidelines. She was shy. Maud and Jess showered her with love and kisses. You can overdo a thing like that.”

  “Is that when things changed, when Maud and Jess started showering Emmie with love and simply thanking you for all your hard work? When you heard them say they were going to safeguard Emmie’s life so that she wouldn’t have to go out into the world with her disability?”

  “Yes. That’s what you want to hear, isn’t it? Yes, that’s when it all changed. They said I was tough, that I worked like a little man. They said I could take care of myself. Emmie couldn’t take care of herself. She had to be provided for. I goddamn well earned that farm. Now, all these years later, I have to keep proving myself. I don’t think so! I need a cigarette.”

  “You said you quit smoking.”

  “I did quit. I’m starting up again. Are you going to argue with me over that, too?”

  “I’m not arguing. I just stated a fact, a fact that you mentioned to me. If you want to smoke, go ahead.”

  “I don’t have any cigarettes.”

  “Then I guess you aren’t going to smoke. Let’s get back to Maud and Jess. It was your job to protect Emmie. That was your goal when you left SunStar in the middle of the night with a sick child on your hands. You got yourself pregnant and you had to pay the consequences. What you didn’t know was the man you thought was your father threatened that little girl and almost strangled her to keep her quiet. She didn’t speak for over thirty years because of that fear. You feel guilt because you didn’t know about it. You thought there was something wrong with both of you because your father called Emmie a half-wit. The child’s father threatened to blow off your head if you told anyone he was the father. How am I doing so far, Nealy?”

  Nealy clenched her teeth, and nodded.

  “You thought you failed your child. Your child. Not Dillon Roland’s child. Your child. Then you found a haven at Blue Diamond Farms, and you failed again. We talked about this last week in bits and pieces. Now we’re putting the flesh on the bones. You let other people take care of Emmie to wash away your guilt and you did that, how, Nealy?”

  “By working nonstop from dark to dark.”

  “Then, after Maud and Jess died, what did you do? How did you replace them?”

  Nealy licked at her lips. “With Buddy Owens. He and Emmie were like two peas in a pod. They were inseparable. Then they got married.”

  “Was it at your urging? Were they in love?”

  “I assume they were. They certainly acted like they were in love. I arranged the wedding.” Nealy was on her feet a second later, looking out at the busy street below. She could feel herself start to shake and didn’t know why. She really needed a cigarette.

  “So, once again, you transferred your daughter to someone else. That’s what you did, Nealy, you transferred her to some other person. You just handed her over, and that was the end of Emmie. She was taken care of, again, but not by you.”

  “You make it sound so cold and calculating. It wasn’t like that. I wanted her to be happy. I thought she was. No, I didn’t ask, if that’s your next question. She appeared to be happy. Buddy appeared to be happy. They had their life, and I had mine. I worked. They appeared to work. Neither one of them knew the meaning of real, hard work. They wanted to go on vacations, go shopping, eat out four nights a week, and they wanted to go to movies and concerts. Then they wanted to sleep in in the mornings and lollygag around till noon. The farm is operational at four in the morning. We don’t shut down for the night till around eight o’clock. Yes, it’s a long, hard day, but that’s what it’s all about.”

  “Where does that leave us now, Nealy?”

  Nealy bit down on her tongue. Say what was in her mind or not say it. “With one spoiled, rotten daughter who doesn’t know the meaning of sacrifice, hard work, or the value of money. Yes, she’s good with this one horse, but she almost ruined another one. She’s not dependable because she never had to be dependable. Someone always looked out for her, someone always made it easy for her. Don’t you understand, she owns half the goddamn farm, and she didn’t do one damn thing to earn it. My time is up, isn’t it?”

  “Yes, it is. I want to pose a question to you, Nealy. I want you to think about it this evening, and we’ll talk about it tomorrow. This is the question: What is it you really want at this point in time? What is the one thing that will make you truly happy? You have to be honest to a fault. You can’t dance around it. I will only accept gut-wrenching honesty from you, and I’ll know if you aren’t being honest. Is it a deal?”

  Nealy thought about the question for a full three minutes before she responded. “Yes, it’s a deal.”

&nb
sp; “Good, I’ll see you tomorrow, same time. Have a nice night, Nealy.”

  “You, too.”

  Nealy sat in her car for a long time, thinking. She should go home to Hatch, but these sessions always unnerved her. She needed to be alone to think. Maybe thinking was her downfall. Maybe she needed to go with the flow, to not make waves, to simply exist. Then she might as well live in a fish tank, like the fish back in Liz Shay’s office.

  She turned the key in the ignition and drove out of the parking lot. She drove aimlessly until she realized where she was—Emmie’s street.

  Nealy stopped the car at the curb and stared at the house she’d picked out for Emmie and Buddy. She’d paid for it, too. Liz would say she’d done it to get rid of her daughter. Was that what she had done? Obviously.

  She got out of the car and walked up to the front door. She was about to ring the bell when she heard peals of laughter wafting from the side of the house. They must all be outside. She walked around to the back to see Gabby running through the sprinkler with Cookie on her heels. Dillon had another hose in his hands and was spraying Emmie, who was spraying him with still another hose. They were laughing uproariously until they saw her standing at the edge of the walkway, then they stopped and stared at her. She’d never heard Emmie or Gabby laugh like that. She had, however, heard Dillon laugh the way he’d just been laughing. She wanted to cry.

  “Mom!”

  “Nealy!”

  “Grandma!”

  Cookie barked and circled her legs until she bent down to pick him up. He was soaking wet, but it didn’t matter. He licked her cheek before he squirmed and wiggled to be put down.

  “It’s nice to see you, Nealy. Would you like to stay for dinner? It’s just weenies and salad,” Dillon said, a hopeful look on his face.

  Like she was really going to eat at the same table with these three. “Yes, I would. I haven’t had a hot dog in years. Can I have the works on mine and the bun toasted?”

  “Of course. That’s how we do them around here. We use paper plates, is that okay?”

  “Sure, paper plates are fine. I meant to call you, Dillon. It’s been rather hectic at the farm. I wanted to thank you for the . . . for the . . . notebook. Do you want it back?”

  “Not unless you don’t want it. Do you remember any of the poems?”

  “Every single one except for the later ones. They’re all beautiful. Thank you for giving it to me. I don’t have any objections to you coming to the farm. I think Emmie wants you there, so feel free to come anytime you want.”

  “Thanks, I appreciate that. I’ll be out tomorrow. Is there one side or the other that I should stand on?”

  Nealy shook her head. “That was stupid of me. I suppose I meant it at the time, but I don’t mean it now.”

  “Well, I’ll go inside and get our dinner together. I guess you want to talk to Emmie. Come on, sport, let’s get you dried off. You too, Cookie,” Dillon said, slinging his granddaughter over his shoulder. The little girl giggled all the way into the house.

  When the sliding glass door to the patio slid shut, Emmie asked, “Is something wrong, Mom?”

  “I suppose there are a lot of things wrong. I see the questions in your eyes when I leave the barn in the afternoon. I’m assuming you’re wondering where I go every day at four o’clock. To talk to a therapist. It isn’t easy baring one’s soul to a stranger.”

  Emmie blinked at this sudden shared confidence. “It’s hard. I’ve been there. You know what they say, sound body, sound mind. You need both to function in this crazy world we live in.”

  “I came here to ask you if you would consider selling me SunStar Farms.”

  “You want that place, Mom?”

  “I didn’t think I would but, yes, I do want that place. I’ll meet your price whatever it is.”

  “Mom, I’ll give it to you. You don’t have to buy it from me. I was just thinking about it today and I was going to put it up for sale. If you want it, it’s yours.”

  “No, I don’t want you to give it to me. I want to buy it. You were very kind when Josh Coleman died and left it to you. I appreciate you deeding it back to my brothers. It’s so strange that twice it was left to you and you don’t even want it.”

  “No, Mom, I don’t want it. Make me an offer, and I’ll accept it. Do you mind me asking what you’re going to do with it? I thought you hated the place and all the bad memories attached to it.”

  “Things change. People change. Times change. The best answer I can give you right now is I don’t want it to go out of the family. It’s running fine as it is right now, and I don’t have to make any quick decisions. I’ll decide later on what I want to do with it. By the way, you did real well today, Emmie. I couldn’t have done it better. I think you’re going to shine in the Derby.”

  “Do you really think so, Mom?”

  “I really think so. You might not have the touch, but you sure have the feel for it. Yes, I think you’re going to do real well. I’m very proud of you.”

  “Here come the dogs! Emmie likes hers burned to a crisp. Gabby likes hers just barely warm, and Cookie likes them just right and cut into little pieces. I like mine scored and juicy but a little dark. What’s your choice, Nealy?” Dillon asked.

  “Very well done. Kind of crisp, you know, dark.”

  “In other words, burned to a crisp. I got it. Like mother like daughter.”

  Emmie smiled and linked her arm with her mother’s. “Yeah, like mother like daughter.”

  Nealy felt a lump in her throat. Yes, like mother like daughter.

  Nealy was stunned when she walked into Dr. Liz Shay’s office the following day. Directly in her line of vision was the biggest fish tank she’d ever seen. There were two new fish swimming gracefully to and fro.

  “I decided you were right yesterday. I did need a bigger tank, so I went right out and got one after my last patient yesterday. They brought it right over and set it up. I call the two new fish Frick and Frack. So far they’re getting on well with Yin and Yang.” Liz grinned. “How’s it going, Nealy? Did you have a good night? Want some herbal tea or maybe some coffee?”

  “I’ll take the coffee if it isn’t too much trouble.” She sat down opposite the doctor and waited expectantly.

  “You’re my last appointment today, so we could have a glass of wine if you like. It’s really raining out there, isn’t it?”

  “It’s coming down in buckets. I hate driving in the rain. I’m careful, but I have this fear the other person isn’t as careful as I am. I made it here, that’s the important thing. No on the wine. Coffee is fine with me.”

  Liz pressed a button on the phone. “Kelly Ann, please bring Mrs. Littletree some coffee. She likes it black, and I’ll have a cup of black currant tea with three sugars.” Liz settled herself comfortably in her chair and looked at Nealy. “Let’s get to it. Time is money as they say.”

  Nealy grimaced, her eyes on the fish tank. “You asked me if I had a good night. I did. When I left here I drove over to Emmie’s house. I don’t know why I went. I was just driving along and found myself there. I think Emmie and Dillon were surprised to see me. They welcomed me. I stayed to have a hot dog with them. Emmie was . . . Emmie. She’s incredibly happy. So is her . . . her father. It was all so . . . so normal, so suburban. In some ways I felt like I was seeing a movie from an actor’s point of view. I stayed about an hour and a half. I was only at Emmie’s house once before. She never invited me when she lived there with Buddy. I always wondered why, but I never asked.”

  Liz Shay scribbled on her pad. “Didn’t you tell me once that you picked out the house and bought it for Emmie? Did you consult her?”

  “Yes, I did pick it out, and yes, I paid for it, and no, I didn’t consult her. I guess that was the wrong thing to do, too. Maybe that’s why she never invited me.”

  “Do you think it was the wrong thing to do?”

  “At the time I didn’t think so. Now, yes, it was wrong. It was wrong of me to . . . to arrange E
mmie’s wedding to Buddy. Arranging is one thing, mothers do that when their daughters get married. I . . . what I did . . . said was, it’s time for you two to get married. And they did. They were joined at the hip. I thought it would be better if they married instead of just slept together. Emmie could have gotten pregnant, and I didn’t want that unless she was married. My own guilt again. Buddy did just what Dillon did, he took off and left Emmie. I was right about him.” “But he didn’t know Emmie was pregnant. Dillon knew. There’s a difference.”

  Nealy felt flustered as she stared at the doctor. “Yes, that’s true. But he would have bolted anyway, had he known.”

  “You couldn’t possibly know that, Nealy.”

  “I do know it. I knew it just the way I knew Willow Bishop was a conniving, manipulative young woman. Neither one of my children could see what was right in front of their eyes, but I saw it. If you had a daughter or son, and they were teetering on a high wire, wouldn’t you try to save them from a fall?”

  “That’s apples and oranges, Nealy.”

  “All right. I screwed that up, too. Damn it, I was right, though.”

  Liz Shay stared across at her, pencil poised in midair.

  “I should have kept quiet and minded my own business. I just said I screwed up.”

  “Can you make any of that right?”

  Nealy’s eyes popped wide. “No. I can’t make Buddy come back to Emmie. I don’t even know if she wants him. She thought she did at one point. It was my feeling that her pride was hurt when he rejected her.”

  “The way Dillon Roland rejected you. You felt validated when that happened, didn’t you?”

  Nealy’s answer was a low, hushed whisper. “Yes.”

  “And Nick? He did what you did and paid the price just the way you paid the price for getting pregnant, right?”

  Nealy offered up another low, hushed whisper. “Yes.”

  Liz Shay wrote on her legal pad, long sentences that irritated Nealy. She said so.