Since the night of the party, I’d been suffocating in self-doubt and confusion caused by two things: the idea that, in fact, maybe I did like the idea of carrying and raising a child created by our love and the beauty and magic of science that meant we could create life…and the realisation that Thomas had written me off as a mother. Did he judge it based on how I was with Tommy and Jake? I thought I did well, considering I’d never had any interaction with small children. I loved those boys.
Maybe he judged my parenting skills based on the example set by my own parents. If that was it, I’d never change his mind. Another aspect of my life Pamela and Phillip had ruined. Thomas would forever judge me because my parents didn’t stick around. I had spent the last two weeks counting down the days until my period. I even stood in the mirror a few times and imagined my belly swollen with life. I was confused. I thought I didn’t want children but it was all I could think about. A pair of little shoes on the rack next to ours, a rain jacket hanging between ours, waiting for a rainy day; a Winnie the Pooh umbrella in the stand, ready to be used when we jumped in muddy puddles. Everywhere I looked, I saw proof of a life I would never have.
“You okay?”
I looked up and realised I’d stopped walking. I was standing at a pile of dry leaves, imagining running through them with a little hand held tightly in mine.
“Fine,” I lied and painted on a smile. I took his hand and we walked further into the woodland.
“Shall I make us some coffee?” Thomas asked when we got in. He let Buster off his lead and he ran straight to his water bowl.
“Sure. There’s some hazelnut powder in the cupboard.”
“Shall we go for dinner?” He called after me as I hung my coat up and headed up the stairs.
“Sure.”
Buster hopped onto the bed and watched me as I stood side on in the mirror and pushed my belly out.
“Your usual table?” The waitress asked, licking her lips like she always did when she caught sight of the man with his hand at the bottom of my back.
She led us to our candlelit table in the corner and handed us menus.
“I’ll be back with your wine and water.”
I watched her disappear to the back of the restaurant and wondered if her parents loved her.
“What’s wrong?” Thomas held my hand across the table and I looked up at him.
“Nothing.”
“Tired?”
He stroked little circles on my palm; I tried to deny the effect it had on me, but it was impossible.
“I guess.”
“Shall we take a holiday?”
“We can't. We’re too busy.”
He sighed, “I’ll drop everything and take you anywhere if it takes away that look in your eyes.”
I should have known he’d read me, figure me out. It had always been that way with us.
“How about Jersey?”
“That’s not the five star resort on a tropical island I was thinking of. Why Jersey?”
“We could stay with Ava and Kevin. It would be nice to relax somewhere cozy.”
He frowned in suspicion.
“Are you ready to order?” The waitress returned before Thomas could question me.
“Do you really want to go to Jersey?” Thomas asked when we got home.
Dinner was nice; filled with comfortable silence and conversation. My mind had been in a constant spin for weeks and I didn’t know if I was up or down, but it didn’t change the way I felt about him. It only cemented the fact that I didn’t deserve him. Deep down, I had always known I didn’t.
“Yeah, I do. Ava and I can have some girl time, you can play golf with Kevin and we can spend some time with the boys.”
Thomas pulled back the duvet as we got undressed for bed.
“I’ll call Ava tomorrow and arrange a date. You’re right…I think it’s just what we need.”
Thirty One
The best thing about being with Thomas? He knew me. He knew us. He knew just what we needed to fall in love all over again.
October 15th, 2010.
Thomas dropped our bags to the floor as we stepped into the room. I headed straight for the Juliet balcony and inhaled the salty breeze as I watched the little amber lights flicker in the distance.
“Beautiful,” I turned when Thomas spoke and found him looking at me. “You’re beautiful.”
I smiled in gratitude. It was becoming easier to accept compliments; I believed he meant them when he gave them to me.
He tapped the sideboard next to the door and I kept my eyes on him, watching him slip off his jacket and loosen his tie as I moved across the room to sit on the cabinet. He meant what he said in the restaurant the week before; he dropped everything, left the magazine in Joel’s hands and booked our ferry tickets. Nina resisted until I told her I planned to have ‘the talk’ with Thomas and after making me promise to appoint her godmother, she gave in. I didn’t confess that I had no intention of having the talk, but it worked. I met Thomas at Waterloo Station after work and we jumped on the train to Poole.
He slid his tie out from under his collar, the silk making a harsh sound as it resisted its departure from the cotton, and he dropped it to the floor.
“You know I love you, don’t you?”
He settled between my legs and placed his hands on my waist. They were the hands of a mentally and physically strong man, but also of the sweet, tender and vulnerable man only I knew.
“Yes,” I answered honestly, “and I love you.”
“I’m glad we’ve come away. It’s so easy to fall into a lull at home. It’s easy to lose sight of what’s important.”
His lips found my neck and he peppered me with kisses before he stood back and looked at me as he continued.
“You know I’d give you everything, right?”
“I do.”
I reached out to unbutton his shirt, parting the cotton and pressing my hand to his heart. He wasn’t talking about money or cars or holidays. He was talking about himself. I had all of him, everything he was, and it was the greatest gift I’d ever been given.
“I’d give up everything in a flash,” he rested his hand over mine, “and never look back if it meant not losing you. You are all that matters. Being with you is all that matters.”
I nodded. I understood, “You’ll never have to do that. You’re all that matters to me, too.”
He dropped his gaze to where our bodies almost met and drew tiny circles on my stomach with his thumbs.
“For a long time, I thought I was disposable.”
“You’ve never been disposable,” I combed my hands through his hair until he looked at me again. “It will always be you. From the moment you pulled a rose out from behind my ear, it’s been you. Maybe it always was.”
“That’s all I needed to know.”
In a split second, all traces of vulnerability left him; he slid me off the counter, carried me across the room and placed me on the bed. I watched as he began undressing. I could have watched him forever. There was always something to marvel at; a muscle or expression that fascinated me. He cocked a brow as he slid his hands into the side of his boxers at the same time my eyes fell on the undeniable rigidity in them that made my toes curl. I sat up and quickly removed my dress. There was that look in his eyes; the one that made me want to lay beneath him and allow him to consume me, to possess me as he drank me in; every line, every curve, like he could look at me forever, too.
When I was left in nothing but the black silk ensemble he had bought me, I shimmied back on the bed, crooked my finger and beckoned Thomas to come closer.
Thirty Two
That was the day. We were always hiding from that moment on…
July 26th, 1995.
“Skye, Skye! Can I ride your new bike?”
I nodded. I wasn’t really listening. I was looking around the garden for Oliver. Our friends were running around on the grass; my friends were all in pink – Oliver said pink made you look like a marshmallow.
Oliver’s friends were playing football, but he wasn’t there. Where was he?
I spotted him at the back of the house and wondered if he was hiding. I thought I’d sneak up on him and make him jump – I thought it would teach him for running off. We were a team. He was the one who made the team, he couldn't run off without me.
I didn’t even know half of the kids at the party; Mum invited them because she wanted to make new friends. We hadn’t lived in the big house long. Dad got a new job so we moved, and now we all had our own room. Beth had the attic to do her studying and have sleepovers with her friends and Oliver and I swapped rooms so I could have the one at the front with the big window and the blossom tree.
I snuck up behind him but he must have heard me. He threw his arm out to keep me back. A quick look back with his finger over his lips and I was silenced.
He was listening to something.
I listened.
I couldn’t hear anything.
The kitchen sounded quiet. Maybe Oliver was playing soldiers with his friends. I could see the brownies on the counter and jumped out from behind the door to go and get one.
“Hi Mum, hi Dad.”
I grabbed a brownie for me and a brownie for Oliver and left the kitchen. I shrugged when I gave it to him and left to find Rosie. She had just asked to ride my new bike. I should have said no.
Oliver ran past me and climbed the ladder for the tree house Dad had built us.
Weirdo.
Thirty Three
Shiver me timbers. Let’s sail the seven seas…or the English Channel on the way to Jersey. We could have gone anywhere…nothing was removing the smile on my face.
October 16th, 2010.
“Perfect day to catch a ferry.”
Thomas handed me a coffee and caged me in his arms with his hands on the railings. I turned so my back was against his front and couldn’t resist the tease.
“That makes you sound old.”
“I am old. Perhaps you should trade me in for a newer model.”
“Not happening. You’re not getting off that easy.”
He kissed my neck and I rested my head on his chest.
It was a perfect day. The sky was clear and the sun was shining; it was almost too windy to hear yourself think and the water was choppy enough to turn the strongest stomachs to mush, but it was perfect.
Our night in the hotel was amazing. We hadn’t fucked like animals and we hadn’t made love. It was more than that. As his hands held mine and the rhythm of his hips sent me to paradise, we connected more than we ever had. I loved him with all my heart and if he didn’t, and never would, want to start a family with me, we would always have us. It was overwhelming, the realisation that after years of rejection and loneliness, I finally believed in forever. It was because of Thomas. He made me feel alive.
“I kind of want to take you right here,” he breathed in my ear, heating my blood as the cold air swept wildly around us.
Horny. He made me feel alive and horny.
“Keep it in your pants, sweetheart.”
With a secret smile, I nudged my backside into him, just a little.
We said nothing as we looked out at the cloudless sky and choppy water, and stood comfortably together, like we had since Day One.
***
“AAAH!”
Ava squealed as we climbed out of the taxi and ran towards us with outstretched arms.
She hugged Thomas first as he pulled our bags from the boot and then her little arms caged me in with more strength than I expected.
“I’m so glad we’re finally doing this!” She pulled me off towards the house and Thomas followed.
“Thank you for having us.”
“Are you kidding?” She turned to me with infectious excitement. “When Tom called, I almost peed my pants. You’ll love Jersey and the boys will be so happy to see you.”
“Where are they?” I tried not to laugh, I really did, but one look back at Thomas as he shook with silent laughter and climbed the stairs with our stuff, and the laugh wanted to projectile out.
“Kev took them to play football. There’s a park across the road and they go every Saturday for some boy time,” she flipped the switch for the kettle. “He’s been so busy at work, he hasn’t seen them much lately.”
“Must be tough,” I tried to stop my mind wandering as Ava set about making tea and Thomas joined us in the kitchen. He gave me a kiss on the cheek and grabbed the milk from the fridge.
“Something smells good.”
“I’m doing a hot buffet for lunch. It’s a nice day so I thought we could sit in the garden.”
“I’ll make a salad.”
“Oh, no you don’t,” she pushed him away from the sink. “No touching my kitchen.”
Thomas laughed and carried on washing his hands. Ava tried to push him away. I smiled. I liked watching them together. They reminded me of Oliver and me. For the first time in a long time the pain didn’t overshadow the remembrance. For the first time ever, I thought about my brother and smiled; because I missed him, because I loved him, because I knew he’d be happy for me.
“You’re a guest,” Ava finally managed to move him from the sink and swatted his arm when he flicked water in her face. “But you can lay the table. The boys will be back soon.”
Lunch was delicious and we sat back and watched the boys on the climbing frame as we sipped Prosecco.
“Can I help you clean up?” I prepared to stand with Ava as she cleared the plates.
“No. Have another glass and relax. I’ll take you into town later.”
As soon as she spoke, there was a bump followed by a child’s cry. We all looked up to see five-year-old Tommy running towards us with his hand on his head.
Thomas opened his arms, but the little blonde cherub stopped in front of me and tugged the sleeve of my cardigan. I panicked. What was I supposed to do?
I lifted him onto my lap and he buried his face in my neck as he cried.
“What did you do, Tommy?” I asked, aware that the adults were watching me. I didn’t know why he came to me, either.
“I fell off my monkey bars,” he wailed in response.
“You did? I bet you broke the floor.”
He giggled through the tears, sniffed and sat up so I could sneakily check for a bump.
“Let’s go see…Jake, help me see if your brother broke the floor.”
Jake slid down the slide as I carried Tommy over to the climbing frame. Both boys crouched down and inspected the grass. Thank the grass lords there was a little grassless patch under the bars.
“You see?”
“Oh no!” Tommy shrieked while Jake pointed and laughed. “My head is fine now.”
“I know. You’re tough.”
I gave his head another stroke to make sure he hadn’t grown a golf ball and headed back to the table. Thomas cocked his head as he looked at me, Ava was inside and Kevin was watching the boys.
“What?” I asked when he continued to stare.
“Good job,” Kevin interrupted. “He normally cries for the rest of the day.”
“Sometimes distraction is the best form of comfort.”
Thomas reached for my hand and I squeezed his, but I didn’t need the comfort. For the first time in a long time, I wasn’t hurting.
***
“Is it weird that I think of you as a sister?”
I looked up from pouring sugar in my vanilla latte to find Ava staring at me. I wondered if my warped sense of comfort and my sudden craving for a family made me imagine she had said that. I hadn’t. She was looking at me like a hopeful child.
“Why would it be weird?” I smiled through the knot in my stomach and the lump in my throat.
“I always wanted a sister. Thomas was fun, but he was a goofball. We couldn’t talk boys or clothes or anything else,” I just nodded. I could confide in Beth and Oliver, about anything. “I always wanted a sister…I feel like I’ve found one in you.”
I felt my
lip tremble. I tried to control it, but I couldn’t. I cried. Ava scooted her chair next to mine and wrapped her arm around me.
“I’m sorry.”
I sniffed and shook my head, “It isn’t bad.”
I composed myself and sat up, accepting the napkin she offered me and dabbed at my eyes.
“I shouldn’t have said that.”
She knew, like everyone else, what I had allowed her to know. She knew I had no mother, no father, no sister; she knew I had lost Oliver. She knew I’d had him torn from me before either of us were ready to be parted from the other.
I told Thomas to tell them everything – everything he knew – after I met them for the first time.
“I haven’t had a family for a long time. I’ve always wanted to feel accepted, not rejected. Thank you, Ava.”
“You’re part of our family now,” she took my hand and squeezed. “Drink up. There’s an amazing boutique I want to show you.”
We walked the high street arm in arm, window shopping and talking. My phone buzzed constantly in the back pocket of my jeans, but Nina would have to get by without me. I loved the small town life Ava and Kevin had. I could imagine living there with Thomas, Buster and two or three kids.
“Ava, has Thomas ever spoken about children?”
She shrugged, “Not to me, but we don’t talk about much. I know he loves the boys.”
I got the feeling something wasn’t right. I didn’t have premonitions or the tense feeling people got before something bad happened. I didn’t see my father leaving, my mother disappearing, my sister forgetting I existed, or the death of my brother coming. But I got a feeling then. I tried to quash it; I tried to push it aside – Ava hadn’t said anything to trigger fear, but I was scared. Of what, I didn’t know.
“Hey,” she stepped in front of me and searched my face. “You okay?”
Survival (Twisted Book 1) Page 12