Falling Back Together

by Kristen Hope Mazzola

  Mitch started to walk closer to us with an officer beside him. “Yes, sir. I understand. We will all file the papers first thing in the morning. I’ll make sure the girls are somewhere safe tonight.” The chubby but tall cop Mitch had been talking to shook Mitch’s hand and then turned back around to get into the car Kyle was in, handcuffed in the back seat, before speeding away.

  Mitch walked over to us, his hand now wrapped in gauze and butterfly stitches on his cheek. “Well, ladies, looks like you’re not going to be making into work again tomorrow. You’re coming home with me and we’re filing orders of protection bright and early before I head in for my shift.”

  Three

  Warm water washed over my skin, stinging and burning as I coughed for air. Lying on my stomach in damp sand as it clung to my aching body, I tried to force my stinging eyes open. The bright sun beat down on fragile skin, making my eyes slam shut as the light tried to flood in. The wind was fiercely thrashing at the waves, and the faint boom of thunder could be heard from down the coast.

  I lay motionless, sinking, trying to level my breathing and understand what was happening. Salt water rushed into open cuts and scrapes as images of bloody, gruesome memories surged. Randy’s mangled body draped in his parachute. Candice’s gaping gunshot wound gushing all over me as I screamed for help. Walker’s pained face as we fought during our last encounter. All of the moments that weighed on my consciousness were assaulting me. Sand clung to my lips, a sandpaper kiss to a damaged heart. I trembled from the cold and pain, stuck in that awful moment of terror.

  A soft hand rested on my shoulder, startling all my senses into attention. Even though it was painful, my eyes shot open to behold one of the most beautiful sights—Randy’s smiling face.

  His voice was distant as he tried to soothe me, “Mags, you’re going to be all right. This too is just another bump in the road.”

  I clambered to my feet on buckling knees, shoving at the loose sand. “How can I get past knowing the truth? How do I forgive?”

  Randy’s warm body pushed up against mine as he took me into his arms, steadying my staggering body. His lips brushed over my ear as he spoke tenderly. “Because you have love in your heart. It is okay to love again. It is okay to understand and forgive.”

  As his words finished, Randy’s grip loosened until he was walking backwards away from me, waving goodbye. His smile never wavered. Once the water danced over his bare feet, he blew a kiss in my direction and vanished.

  I stood alone, wavering, trying to understand everything that had just happened. The stinging and burning sensations started to dissipate. The thunderclouds overtook the sun, and cool rain started to drip down. The droplets cascaded over my aching skin, calming and refreshing my angry wounds. Looking down, I could see the blood starting to fade and the wounds start to mend.

  Then I heard Randy’s voice for the last time. “I will always love you, Margret. Please let me go.”

  *****

  Sunlight beamed in from the window of the large guest room where Cali and I were sleeping. The Katzes’ home was enormous and had plenty of rooms, but being alone during all of this had sounded irksome to both of us. The light struck my tired eyes painfully as I rolled over to see Cali sleeping with her mouth open and drool dripping from her lips. She was not a cute sleeper by any means when she was exhausted.

  I hated having terrible dreams, but the one that had just assaulted my morning slumber had felt different. Yes, it had been scary, but a weird sense of calm settled into my chest as I yawned and stretched against the softest pillows I had ever felt in my life.

  I slithered out from under the sheets as quietly and gracefully as possible. Tiptoeing over to my purse on the floor next to the massive dark wood door, I misjudged the distance my pinky toe was from the armchair in the corner and crashed right into it as I bent down to loop the handle of my bag with my finger. I screamed out in pain as my toe started to throb, damning the wooden leg of the chair under my breath, still trying to not wake up my best friend.

  Cali shot up, eyes wide as she gasped, “Mags? You okay?”

  I slumped onto the chair, rubbing my aching toe. “Yeah, Cal. Sorry to wake you.”

  She stretched and yawned. “Naw, it’s fine. We should be getting up anyway. We need to deal with this whole mess with Kyle and I really just want to get it over with. What time is it?”

  “Ugh, I think just after seven.”

  I rummaged through my purse to find my vibrating cell at the bottom. A text from Liz was lighting up on the screen. My mouth fell open while I just stared at the words in disbelief.

  “Mags? What’s up?” Cali’s voice was concerned as she got out of the bed to join me in the large chair.

  I looked up at her as she sat on the arm of the recliner and pulled Mitch’s blue flannel robe around her tiny shoulders. “Liz just messaged me saying that Walker told her he was reporting to base in Georgia for a few weeks and to make sure I wasn’t lonely while he was gone.”

  Walker had not mentioned orders at all to me, but I did not know if I could believe anything he said or did not say anymore. Not after he’d hid the fact that my husband’s death was his fault from all of us for months. For all I knew, he was just using it as an easy cover story for skipping town.

  “I guess that’s where he was running off to. Either orders or his family?”

  Cali furrowed her brow as she mumbled the text to herself over my shoulder. “It’s just a strange coincidence. Did he ever say anything to you about having to report back?”

  I shook my head, still trying to figure it all out. “I’m gonna call her, let them know not to worry.”

  I hadn’t thought about it before, but running away to the Katzes’ home was something I was not prepared to explain to my in-laws, who lived down the street from me. They were used to checking up on their lonely daughter-in-law and her live-in boyfriend daily in some way or another. If we were both unaccounted for, they would start to catch on that something was seriously wrong.

  Even though I knew that they deserved to know that truth about Randy’s death, I could not bring myself to utter the words. The only way to protect Liz and Jim was for them to never find out the truth about Randy’s accident. To never admit that Walker’s sick plan to commit suicide was the reason for their son’s absence. They loved Walker like a son. I did not know how to break their hearts again. After all, Randy’s death still was an accident, but Walker was still to be blamed.

  Cali nodded and pulled Mitch’s robe tight around her waist. “I’ll go see if I can scrounge up some breakfast for us. Mitch and Buck are probably up.”

  Cali stopped to take in a deep breath as the air wafted in from the kitchen after she opened up the bedroom door, bringing the amazing aroma of coffee. The sweet hazelnut smell danced into my consciousness, lifting my mood just a bit.

  Cali smiled down at me before exiting the room. “Yup, they’re up all right.”

  “Yeah, that smells divine. Be down in a sec.”

  As the door creaked closed, I dialed the mother of my late husband, my heart heavy from knowing that I was about to lie to her. I have to keep a brave face. They have to think everything is fine. In all seriousness, lying was something I was not comfortable with and terrible at. I was thankful that I was blocks away and would not have to face her or her husband, Jim, for a while. They were the best family I had ever had, and the information that I had buried down in the pits of my soul would destroy them.

  Within seconds, Liz’s sweet voice was chirping from the other line, “Good morning, Mags. Shouldn’t you be getting ready for work?”

  “Hi, Liz. Um, no work for this girl today.”

  Ugh, I sound so fake! Suck it up. Breathe. Act natural.

  After a second pause, I took a deep breath in, calming my shaky nerves and my thumping heart. “We had a little incident with Kyle, Cali’s soon-to-be ex-husband.”

  I hesitated briefly to let that phrase sink in a little bit. Once she breathed a knowing, “Oh�
�” I continued.

  “So we’re at Buck’s and are going to be filing protective orders and charges today.”

  “Oh no!” she shrieked. “What happen? Is everyone all right?”

  I gave my best attempt at a reassuring giggle. “Nothing that our brave firefighter couldn’t handle. We’re going to be staying here for a while. You know, with Walker in Georgia and Kyle being a cop, it’s better for Cali and me to be here where Kyle won’t come looking for either of us.”

  With relief in her voice, she sighed. “Well, you are a good friend, and I’m relieved that Mitch and Buck will be looking after you. If you need anything, just let me know.”

  “Of course I will. I’ll be in touch soon.”

  “Okay, honey. Be careful. We all should get together again soon. Our last visit was so nice.”

  “I will talk to everyone and try to work something out. Send my love to Jim.”

  “I will. Love you lots!”

  “Love you too.”

  We hung up and I felt better. For some reason, knowing that Jim and Liz were not worrying about me for a change was uplifting. I changed into my favorite pair of jeans and pulled on a white tank top. After washing my face and brushing my teeth, I felt a million times better. As relief settled in, I made my way down to the kitchen.

  The kitchen was enormous, just about triple the size of mine. The dark, almost black wood floors supported French-Country-inspired, hand-carved, white cabinetry with copper fixtures. The large window over looked the neatly kept garden of flowers and herbs. It was all tied together with dark carrion countertops and two low-hanging chandeliers over the island. My favorite part though was the large, circular bay window that made the perfect breakfast nook with a table that was handmade to match the cabinets perfectly.

  Buck, Cali, and Mitch were all sitting around the kitchen table, sipping coffee out of Eva’s good china. Cali was still being swallowed up by Mitch’s robe, which was so long it draped down from her crossed legs onto the floor. Mitch looked like he was not awake yet, yawning and rubbing his eyes, still donning the white undershirt and boxers he probably had slept in. Buck was the one who looked the most put together, wearing an overly expensive charcoal suit, a light-blue button-down, and a dazzling blue and grey tie to bring the whole outfit together. When Buck wanted to, he cleaned up well, looking the part of the real estate tycoon he had become over the years.

  Right when I walked in, a hush came over the room and all eyes were on me. I grabbed a mug from the only-for-special-occasions cupboard and looked over at the table like a deer caught in headlights. “What? Y’all are using them! I thought this was a metaphorical middle finger to Eva.”

  “Yeah, it is. But Cali just told us about what Liz’s text said. How’d the call go?” Mitch’s voice crackled a few times, causing him to clear his throat a little.

  The years of smoking in college still made his voice hoarse in the morning, and that was accompanied by long coughing fits. I had been so relieved when all the guys quit smoking for good. Even though Walker succumbed every once in a while after his return from deployment, it was better than the three of them smelling like an ashtray all the time and spending tons of money on multiple packs a week. We all had our vices we needed to work on. They were just better at admitting them than I was.

  Buck held up the thermos of coffee that was in the middle of the table, gesturing for me to come over to them. I took my chair next to Cali, letting Buck fill the mug up with gorgeous-smelling hazelnut roast.

  “The call went fine. I told her a short, not-too-intense version of what happened with Kyle and that I was going to be staying here with Cali since Kyle doesn’t know where you all live. She took it at face value, didn’t ask questions, and that was that.”

  Cali peeked up from her mug, which was clutched in both of her hands. “What about Walker? Did she say anything about where he might have run off to?”

  I pursed my lips, staring in into the darkness of my cup; it was starting to match my mood. I no longer felt light and relieved, but sorrow-ridden and weighed down. The usual morning feelings of guilt and sadness were starting to really take their toll.

  “No. I didn’t know how to ask without raising red flags, so I left it alone.”

  Buck rubbed his hand over his tired face. It looked like he hadn’t slept in weeks from the dark circles wrapping around his dull blue eyes. The stress of his wife’s cheating and leaving now was exaggerated with harboring three targets of a cop’s rage fest. “Well, if we know Walker, he’s up there for something. He’s in Georgia, probably on orders. I tried calling his cell a few times and it’s gone to voicemail pretty quickly every time. I figure he just turned the damn thing off, but I did leave message anyway.”

  I nodded. “Thanks for trying, Buck.”

  He nodded back and pulled his lips together in a frown as he smoothed out the Orlando Sentinel.

  I turned to Mitch, hoping to get some sort of lead as to where Walker would have gone. “Do you know where Walker is from in Georgia? He never talked about home to me, so I have no idea. It was always a sore subject. Now I wish I had pressed the issue harder.”

  Mitch just stared down at his hands, shaking his head. His eyes fixed into an angered stare and his lips held in a stern, straight line. Then, without warning, his fist slammed on the table. “Fuck! Can’t we talk about the real damn issue?” Cali and I gasped at his outburst, gaping at him until he continued. “Why do you give a fuck, Mags? He is the reason Randy is freaking dead! Am I the only one who remembers that?”

  Mitch had a point; I was fixating on finding Walker, not the reality of the situation. I hadn’t let myself believe the facts completely and I did not know how I felt about all of it. I hated what happened, but how could I blame Walker completely? It hadn’t been malicious; he’d been trying to end his own suffering, not breed more. It had been selfish, but that was it. I hated that my husband was gone, but the military had deemed it a defect in Randy’s equipment, their file had been closed, and that was where it was going to stay.

  “You’re right.” My voice was weak and defeated, tears starting to well up in my eyes. “It is Walker’s fault, but it was an accident, Mitch. You do not need to forgive him for being selfish, but you cannot completely blame him either.”

  Mitch shot up from the table, the chair flying out from behind him, falling over onto the wood floors with a loud crashing noise. “Fuck that, Mags! I cannot believe that you’re so freaking calm right now. This put you in the damn hospital and now you’re telling me not to blame the reason for all of your and everyone’s heartache?” Mitch’s skin was boiling red as he paced the floor.

  I got up, grabbing both sides of his face firmly. “Yes, Mitch. Be mad at him for leaving and for lying. Be mad at him for being selfish and a coward. Be mad for him not trying to find another solution. But you can’t be mad at him for hurting as badly as he was or for everything getting mixed up. I miss Randy every day. I miss him so much it physically hurts. But now I miss the Walker that came home to us. I really believe he started to change once he came home. I think he started to heal.” My hands started to tremble as my lips formed my next statement. It shocked even my ears as the words rang out, so true, raw, and from deep down in my heart. “It is a fine line that I am forced to walk between hating him for what he did and loving him for the man he has become. But I am choosing to let it go and have faith in who I know Walker Eastman to be. Randy wouldn’t want any of us to hold a grudge. You know that. Think about what Randy would have done.” The phrase felt foreign, almost like my heart was finally letting my mind see the true colors of my situation, how deeply I loved Walker and how much pain he had truly caused me.

  With pleading eyes, I stared up at Mitch’s rigid expression as it slowly melted away. His eyes turned down and his gaze dropping to the floor. With parted lips, he grabbed my shoulders. “How could you be so forgiving?” His eyes met mine, and I felt the sorrow swimming through his veins.

  “I am just sick of hurtin
g all of the time. Don’t you think it is time we all start to heal? Walker included?”

  Mitch nodded and broke from my grasp. Cali and Buck sat slumped in their chairs, weighed down from the tension and sadness in the air. We had all been through so much in such a short amount of time. It was not fair to keep our lives on hold for one more day.

  Cali turned to look at me and my mouth dropped open. Around her right eye was deep purple and her actual eye was bright red.

  “Oh no, Cali! You need to keep putting ice on your eye, love.” I felt terrible for not noticing her black eye until that moment. Even when I had been talking with her in the room upstairs, I was completely oblivious.

  Cali nodded and got up to wrap a dish towel around a frozen bag of peas from the freezer. “Luckily it doesn’t hurt nearly as badly as I thought a black eye would.” She giggled and attempted to lighten the mood.

  Buck shoved off from the table to pour out the remainder of the coffee in his mug. “Well, I have been thinking a lot lately…” His gruff voice trailed off as he put the mug in the dishwasher, fumbling for words. “I, ah… I think it would be for the best if we all went to group therapy.” He pulled a brochure from his back pocket, placing it gingerly on the table.

  Mitch snatched it up and looked over the inside of the paper that had a man and woman hugging on the front with big scrolling letters—“To find support through your loss.” I looked over Mitch’s arm to read the fine print stating that this group was for families and individuals who were experiencing any type of severe loss, from the death of a loved one all the way to abandonment issues.

  My phone buzzed in my pocket while Cali got up and hugged Buck. “Of course we’ll all go with you. It’s for the best for us all,” her soft voice cooed as she pulled away from Buck and straightened out his tie. Mitch and I both agreed with nods and mumbles about it possibly being a healing experience for all of us.