She is meant for another.
The reminder sounded hollow when the woman he wanted was here with him now, alone, so close. But his honour rose up to save him from his tormenting thoughts. He was Mairi Gordon’s protector, nothing more.
‘Tell me about your family.’
The quietly spoken question broke the loneliness of the night and surprised Duff. He’d believed after her frightening ordeal she’d finally felt safe enough to sleep. He then clenched his eyes shut for a moment, trying to figure out how best to answer without revealing the truth of not knowing his real family.
‘The Elliots are one big family. They are a tough, yet giving clan.’ Duff’s chest tightened at the thought of how much he’d missed them. ‘The laird, Lachlan, is both kind and fair, but can be harsh, as necessary. He married almost two summers passed and God willing, his wife, Kenzie, has delivered him of a strong and healthy babe since last I was there.’
‘How long have you been gone?’
‘Almost a year.’ A wasted year.
‘Do you have brothers or sisters?’
The cords in Duff’s neck momentarily tightened at the personal question. But he reminded himself he’d heard Mairi ask her suitors the same question and he relaxed. ‘Nae, but I have friends, Lundy, Adair and Callum, who are like brothers. Lundy wed almost a year ago, but Dair and Cal are not wed.’
‘Like you.’
The softness of her voice tore straight to Duff’s heart. God above, he’d found the woman he loved, but could not have. ‘Aye.’ He pushed away from the wall at his back and sensing his unrest, his mount shifted in the shadows off to the right of the entrance.
Duff turned and retrieved the sack containing the skins. ‘Are you thirsty?’ He rummaged inside and pulled out one of the two skins her father had packed while Duff had searched the secret passage.
‘Aye.’ Duff walked over, handed her the skin and returned to his original position. ‘Why did you give your horse a man’s name?’
Duff’s gaze lowered from the dark shadowed tips of the trees against the night sky to where his mount happily grazed. ‘I always imagined if I’d had a brother, his name would have been Duncan.’
The silence stretched so long that Duff believed Mairi had thankfully drifted off to sleep. He drew a relieved breath and turned toward her makeshift bed, just in time to see her lower the wine skin from her mouth.
‘I once had a brother,’ she said softly, bowing her head. ‘He died, because of me.’
Duff did know she’d had a brother. He also knew Alastair Gordon blamed himself for his son and his wife’s deaths. Why Mairi believed she was to blame he had no clue, but the wealth of sadness coating her words drew Duff to her like a bee to a flower. He crouched down beside her and took her fisted hand between his.
‘I’m sorry for your loss, Mairi.’ He rubbed heat back into her cold fingers, wishing he could see her eyes, but she kept her head bowed. ‘But I doubt you caused your brother’s death.’
Still her head stayed lowered. ‘You weren’t there. You couldn’t know.’ She drew an audible breath. ‘My mother died that day, too, and I—’
‘Mairi,’ Duff reached out, cupped her chin and tilted her face up. How he wished he could see her eyes and she could see his, then she’d know he spoke true. ‘Again, I’m sorry for your loss, but I can’t believe you caused anyone’s death.’ Such an enormous burden for one so young, to carry for so long.
‘But I—’
‘You were seven summers, Mairi,’ Duff said, determined to convince her she wasn’t to blame. ‘Nae seven-year-old can be blamed for causing someone’s death.’
‘I couldn’t stop crying. Not even when Father asked me to.’ She slowly shook her head and Duff thought he caught a glimmer of moisture in her eyes. ‘Such a simple request.’ She swallowed. ‘But I failed him. Them. I—’ She lifted her chin from his palm and her fingers from his and climbed from the furs.
Duff slowly straightened and watched as she stood and wrapped her arms about herself and gazed up at the half-moon.
‘I was so frightened.’ Her voice was now steady, but she sounded angry.
‘There is naught wrong with being afraid.’
She scoffed. ‘You speak as if you know how it feels.’
‘I have been afraid many times.’ She half turned toward him. ‘Only a fool isn’t afraid. Only someone who has little care for anything doesn’t feel afraid.’ She turned fully to face him. ‘Courage is born of fear, and you, Mairi, have more courage than many I know.’
Duff clenched his hands into fists by his sides to stop them reaching for her and pulling her into his arms. His heart thudded against his ribs. Taut silence stretched as the air crackled and surged between them as they stared at each other in the dark.
‘I know it isn’t part of your duty,’ Mairi said, finally breaking the tense quiet, ‘but will you hold me?’
Duff fought to restrain his physical reaction at her request. He couldn’t refuse. He wanted to hold her. His heartbeat pounded relentlessly, knowing he was about to. He wanted to crush her against him and never let her go. Instead, he lessened the small space dividing them and opened his arms, but didn’t say a word for fear of voicing all his wants aloud.
After a slight hesitation, as if she doubted the wisdom of her request, Mairi stepped into his embrace. Duff closed his arms about her and closed his eyes, the better to savour holding her. Her sweet scent wrapped about him, but he felt the tension stiffening her slender form like a bowstring. After several stilted breaths, she finally relaxed and sank against him.
Heaven. Hell.
***
Mairi stood in the dark, but felt like she stood in the daylight. She knew the cause, could feel and hear the strong beat of his heart beneath her cheek and in her ear. Duff had always had a way of making her feel better, stronger, assured and safe, even if she didn’t want him to. But tonight he’d made her feel proud and special, and for the first time in eleven long years he made her doubt whether she had caused the death of her mother and brother.
‘How did you know how old I was when my mother and brother died?’
‘Your father told me.’
Her father had talked of that horrid day with someone he’d known only for a short time, yet had never spoken of it with her and she’d been there, lived through it, with him. ‘What else did he tell you?’ She braced herself for his response.
‘He told me he blames himself for not saving his wife and son.’ Mairi frowned, but she sensed there was more so remained silent. ‘He also said he blames himself because his daughter was forced to witness it all.’
Mairi stood perfectly still, except the fingernails digging into the sides of her protector’s leather vest. The blood. So much blood. Noise. So much noise. Her cries the only sound. She shut her eyes tight to block her memory’s view, but the horror remained. ‘It was my horse that was lame. It was my horse the dark-haired stranger offered to attend.’ Sickening guilt turned her stomach. ‘The four of us had only ridden the short distance to visit the neighbouring clan, as we’d done several times before. My father isn’t to blame. He did all he could. Begged the stranger to leave us be. Offered his life in return for letting the rest of us go free.’ Pain clutched her heart. ‘The stranger killed my mother first, then my brother. Then he sliced my horse’s throat with the same sword. Then he left.’ Left her and her father, the earth running red. So much blood.
The arms about her tightened and pulled her closer. The soft touch of a hand on her head, fingers stroking her hair, was soothing. The warm breath across her cheek as he held her and whispered, ‘Ah, Mairi. Sweet Mairi,’ over and over again. The sound of her name on his lips more beautiful than she’d ever imagined.
She’d never spoken to anyone about what had happened that day. The day her life had changed irrevocably. She’d always been too frightened to speak of the events, but they were always there, had given her night terrors and haunted her days. But here, now, having spoken of it, she fel
t a sense of relief, as if a great burden she’d carried about had been lifted and that dark, heavy part of her heart had begun to heal. Though the dreaded memories still hurt, the pain seemed less now having shared them. Being held in Duff’s arms also helped.
She could happily stay here, like this, forever.
Except she couldn’t. People needed her. Her father…
‘My father is ill.’ Pain slashed her heart. She’d suspected it for some time, but was too afraid to acknowledge it, for then it would be real. She didn’t want to lose him too.
***
The last thing Duff wanted was to add to Mairi’s heartbreak. She’d already suffered so much already. But in the end, lying to her about her father’s wellbeing would only make things worse. He remained silent.
He continued stroking her hair, and the tension that had stolen into her slender form before she voiced her concern slowly ebbed. God above, he’d imagined holding her, but his unfulfilled desires hadn’t touched on just how amazing she would feel.
Pain for all the sorrow she’d experienced pierced his heart. So many things about her suddenly made sense. The cool distance she set in place with everyone. Her dislike of strangers. Her fear of blades. Her choice not to name her horse. The withheld affection between herself and her father. God almighty. They had been through a harrowing ordeal together and it had driven them apart. Each blamed themselves, but believed the other held them at fault. Neither of them were to blame. And now her father was ill.
Duff tightened his hold about Mairi. He wanted to fix everything for her. He wanted to protect her from all the hurts and fears and sadness, keep her close, forever. He wanted—
The cheek resting against his chest shifted as Mairi raised her head. ‘There are so many things I wish I could change.’
Duff desperately wanted to change them for her.
‘Have you ever wanted something so badly you ached with the wanting of it?’
Duff closed his eyes at her softly spoken words. He wanted Mairi. Dear God, how he ached. ‘Aye.’
One hand moved from his waist and pushed against his middle. Her head lifted from his chest. He felt the loss of her like a burn.
‘I have misjudged so many things in my life since that fateful day.’ Her palms pressed against his chest as she spoke. Her forearms settled on his stomach. ‘Regret sits heavily in my heart and I am weary of counting all my chances lost.’
Duff peered down at her as she tilted her face up to the moon’s glow. Wide eyes stared up at him. His gaze lowered to the outline of her shadowed lips.
He wanted to take her mouth with his. Wanted to feel her lips moulded to his. Wanted to taste her. His heartbeat doubled with each wanton thought.
‘I want you, Duff.’
Duff’s gaze leapt to hers. She watched him still, unblinking.
‘Mairi,’ his voice emerged low and rough even to his own buzzing ears. ‘My Lady,’ he quickly corrected. ‘You are soon to marry. What you offer belongs to another. Your duty is—’
‘I’m tired of duty. Tonight, tonight is about other things,’ she said, reaching up and placing her palm against his cheek. ‘Please call me Mairi.’
‘Mairi, you have been through more than anyone should endure.’ He laid his hand over hers on his face and gently pulled it free. ‘You should sleep.’
‘I do not want to sleep. Tonight is not the first night I have thought about lying with you, Duff.’
Christ! ‘You would regret lying with me, Mairi. Perhaps not now, but you will, as will I.’
She pulled her hand from his.
‘Nae. You are wrong. I will not regret lying with you. I choose you. It is the one thing I want most.’ She took one step back. ‘But if you refuse because you do not want to lie with me … Tell me you do not want to lie with me.’
Duff wanted her with a voracity he had never experienced before. He wanted her more than he cared to breathe. More than he wanted to know who he was. He said nothing. Simply stared down at her, his heart pounding against the walls of his chest. His silence told her everything.
He heard her draw a slow, deep breath a moment before she stepped closer. She lifted his hand and placed it flat against her chest, then settled her palm on his. She tilted her head to one side. ‘I have not imagined it. Your heart beats as swiftly for me as mine does for you.’
Duff’s breath hitched in his throat. Did her feelings run as deeply for him as his for her? Did she love him?
Her other hand slid up his chest and curled around the back of his neck. ‘Kiss me, Duff.’
Duff stood as rigid as a pike as her hands burned his flesh, her small, panted breaths brushed his chin, his mouth. He silently called for his honour to rescue him, but instead the Gordon laird’s words regarding honour flashed through his mind.
At times one’s honour is the only thing that needs to be sacrificed.
Duff loved Mairi, would do anything for her. There were so many things he couldn’t change or make right for her, so many things he hadn’t been able to save her from. But could he sacrifice his honour to give her the one thing she most wanted?
Chapter Twenty-Five
Mairi felt the instant Duff’s desire proved stronger than his will to fight. His fingers slipped behind her head and tilted her face up. Her heart skittered about in her chest, for she was about to receive her most fervent wish. Duff was finally going to kiss her.
His head lowered ever so slowly. She licked her lips in preparation for his mouth finding hers, for her first taste of him. It seemed she had been waiting for him to kiss her for forever. Heightened anticipation caused her next inhalation to shudder into her mouth. Her tongue flickered out once more and darted back inside just as his mouth stilled before hers, only a whisper between them. Then the whisper was gone and his lips gently skimmed hers, first one way and then across the other. With that softest of touches the world fell away. Nothing else mattered, naught else existed. Only Duff, only her, his mouth on hers, breaths mingling. Her heart sighed.
His mouth stilled and pressed firmly down on hers. Mairi sank into the change, sank into him. Her lashes fluttered closed and her breath stalled as a slow burning heat surged outward from her lips and on through her body.
She was floating on the taste of him. Strength and want and need, man and hunger and … Could one kiss go on forever?
Duff’s arm circled behind her and pulled her into the shelter of his body. His other hand cradled her head and tilted her face up further before his mouth consumed her and made her forget about his hands.
She gasped for air and was rewarded with the invasion of his tongue deep inside her mouth, inspiring her hunger for more. Her hands skimmed his leather-clad shoulders, continued on up behind his neck, as she rose up onto her toes, moulding her front to his. Chest to chest. Mouth to mouth. Never close enough.
A soft touch at her throat and then her cloak slid from her shoulders. Mairi’s heartbeat quickened. Duff’s mouth left hers and explored the underside of her jaw and the tender flesh of her neck. Gooseflesh erupted like wildfire over her entire body, sensitising every inch of her skin, replacing her next breath with another gasp and a shiver of longing. Her knees gave way. Duff caught her, carried her, and gently lay her down onto the furs.
On bended knee, he stared down at her. The darkness stole his expression but she hoped he saw nothing but the want and desire she felt for him in hers. She’d spent so long doing her duty, choosing to do what she believed others expected her to do, and she’d forgotten the joy and excitement that came with doing something you wanted to do, something you ached to do, something so important, so necessary you felt as if you’d die without it.
‘You are beautiful, Mairi.’ Low and gravelly, Duff’s words flowed over her. This man who made her feel safe and strong and sure, suddenly made her feel beautiful, made her want him more.
She sensed his hesitation and reached for him. ‘Please, Duff.’ She couldn’t draw him down to her quickly enough. She needed him, against her, s
urrounding her.
His lips found hers and the fire he’d started inside her burned brighter. He kissed her for what seemed like forever, but was never for long enough, as if all the times she’d longed to feel his lips on hers and all the times she’d told herself her longing could never be real had finally come together, now. A fierce collision of lips and tongues and breaths that only left her wanting more. He kissed her cheeks, her neck and along the line of her shoulders. Once more gooseflesh covered her heated skin.
Mairi heard herself moan, a sound made of pleasure and want. The brush of his fingers up her thigh as he raised her nightgown higher, past her waist, her chest, gone over her head. Her nipples gathered, tightened, exposed to the night’s air and her awakening desire. She blinked her eyes open and stared up at the man who was the first to see her naked, the man who was still fully clothed.
With hands that shook with desperation, she found the ties of his leather vest and pulled them free. Removing Duff’s clothes suddenly became a race Mairi needed to win. She freed his shirt from his plaid and wrestled it up and over his head; all the while he was busy ridding himself of his boots and plaid.
Mairi welcomed the feel of his heated skin upon hers as his chest brushed hers and he settled beside her. Every one of her senses felt like a wick being inflamed. She relished the feelings as his mouth took hers in an urgent kiss, robbing her of thoughts until his lips lifted. Panted breaths rushed between them, shared wants and desires ever growing.
She didn’t know what happened next or what to expect. All Mairi knew was how right it felt that she’d be taking the next step with Duff, and she couldn’t imagine sharing it with any other man.
Her hands searched the sides of his body, the flat of his stomach, the firmness of his shoulders. He hissed in a breath and claimed her mouth with his as her palms settled over his tight buttocks and squeezed. She breathed deeply of Duff’s masculine scent while she feasted on the taste of his mouth, his desire. She lifted her lashes, not easy when all her other senses were vying for special attention. But she wanted to see Duff, needed to prove to herself that she wasn’t dreaming, that the man she loved was loving her.
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