All's Well That Ends Well

by Roseanne Dowell

“Okay, okay.” Veronica looked around. “They’re planning a big surprise party for Ed.”

  “A surprise party? For what?”

  “For his birthday, ninny, what do you think?” She looked around and laughed. “And don’t you be going and telling him neither.”

  “His birthday’s not for three months.”

  “I know that, but a party this size takes a while to plan.”

  I shook my head. I didn’t get it. “Why are they planning a party for Ed?”

  “It’s a double celebration. His birthday and oh shoot, I wasn’t going to tell you this part.”

  “What part?”

  “They’re naming him man of the year for everything he does for the senior group.”

  That brought a tear to my eye. I couldn’t help it. Finally someone beside me recognized all the things Ed did for everyone.

  “I swear, Beatrice Lulu, if you breathe a soul of this to Ed and spoil the surprise, I’ll personally kick your butt.”

  I laughed. Like that was going to happen. Wasn’t no way anyone, leastways Veronica, was going to kick anything, especially my butt. She could barely get her fat legs up the steps. “Believe me, the last person I’m going to tell is Ed. But you do know he has Horace looking into the missing funds?”

  “Yeah, I heard. Don’t worry, Horace is in on it. He knows what the money’s for. He’ll cover it up.”

  “Thank you for telling me, Veronica. And don’t worry, I won’t breathe a word.” I turned to go. “By the way….” I turned back. “When is this shindig?”

  “On his birthday of course.”

  “Was anyone planning on telling me at all? What if I planned something?”

  “Oh, we were going to let you in on it closer to the time.”

  I nodded. “Good to know.” I hurried off to find Ethel.

  Chapter Fifteen

  I couldn’t wait to get in the house and put my feet up. Ed met me at the door with a cold drink and a kiss.

  “Okay, what’s up?”

  At least he had the decency to look sheepish. “You look tired. Would you like some ice for your foot?”

  “Okay, spit it out. What’s going on? You’ve got something up your sleeve, what is it?”

  “What, I can’t be nice to my wife without an ulterior motive? I’m crushed.”

  I laughed. You have to hand it to Ed. Granted, it’s not unusual for him to be nice to me, to wait on me, pamper me. He did it often. It’s the way he goes about it. The look on his face. Much as he tried, he couldn’t help that silly grin. He wanted something. Not just the grin, but the gleam in his eyes. Yep, there was something up.

  I sat down, took a long swig of the cola, put the ice pack on my foot, and waited. “Well?”

  Ed sat down next to me. “Kristine called. She asked if we’d watch Teddy for a couple days. I said okay.”

  “Teddy?” Of all Ed’s niece’s kids, Teddy was, how should I say, the least behaved. No one disciplined him. He was a four year old run amuck. “A couple days?”

  “Yes, she has to go out of town for a wedding and there’s no one else to watch him.”

  “Her sister?”

  “Going to the wedding.”

  “Her mother in law?”

  “Going to the wedding. Both families.”

  I squirmed, trying to get comfortable. “Of course you said yes.”

  “What else could I say?”

  “Right. Okay, but if you even think about leaving me alone with him even for a minute, you’ll never hear the end of it.”

  Ed laughed. “Come on, Bea, he’s not that bad.”

  “He’s a holy terror, who are you trying to kid?” Ed loved kids, good, bad, or indifferent. Usually he got through to them, but not Teddy. Teddy didn’t sit still long enough to eat, let alone listen.

  “I promise I won’t leave you alone with him.”

  “When is he coming?”

  Ed looked at his watch. “About fifteen minutes.”

  I sat up. “What? Are you kidding me?”

  Ed shook his head.

  “They’ve known about the wedding for how long and they just now asked?”

  “A neighbor was supposed to watch him, but she’s in the hospital.”

  I leaned back. “I see. Did you clean the spare room?”

  “Yep, and clean sheets on the bed.”

  That was the other thing I loved about Ed. Always willing to help out. No such thing as men’s work or women’s work with him. If I needed help, he was right there next to me.

  Teddy arrived sooner than I was ready for. Ed took him in hand right away. I’ll say one thing about Teddy, he idolized his Uncle Ed. At least, he did when he quit flying around the living room. Somehow, Ed managed to calm him down before bedtime. Amazingly, he sat next to Ed on the floor drinking hot chocolate, trying to keep his little eyes open and his head from bobbing.

  Ed picked him up and carried him to bed.

  “That’s it, he’s out.” Ed brought me a glass of wine, leaned down and kissed me. “I told you he wasn’t so bad.”

  “Only because he was tired. What time are they coming back Sunday?”

  “Kristine said early evening.”

  “What if we took him out to the cabin tomorrow?” Nothing out there to break, plenty of fresh air to wear him out. It was the perfect solution in my mind.

  “Not sure if that’s a good idea.”

  “Why? He’ll love it. He can run around as much as he wants.”

  “He needs constructive play time. Besides, if we go to the cabin you’re going to clean and you need to stay of that foot. It’s swollen again.”

  “I guess you’re right.” I went to bed dreading the next day.

  It wasn’t unusual for me to wake up during the night. I think as we age, we revert back to our infancy in some respects. We lose our teeth, our hair, and our ability to control our bladder. Well, not totally, but enough I woke several times during the night to use the facilities – as they say. Again the “they”. At any rate, that wasn’t the case this time. So what woke me? I looked at the clock – five a.m.

  A noise came from the kitchen. I lay there a minute listening. Was it my imagination? No, there it was again. I shook Ed. Nothing. No response. “Ed,” I whispered. “Someone’s in the kitchen.”

  Nothing No response. Of course he couldn’t hear me. He didn’t sleep with his hearing aids in. I shook him harder. Not sure why I bothered. Ed slept like a log. A fire engine could go through the room and he wouldn’t hear it.

  Suddenly a crashing noise came from the kitchen. That was it. I stumbled out of bed, grabbed my robe, looked around for a weapon, and grabbed my curling iron. Best I could do under the circumstances. I wasn’t in the habit of sleeping with a baseball bat near my bed, and we didn’t own a gun.

  I crept along the hall, staying close to the wall. My biggest fear was someone jumping out at me. The noise from the kitchen came again. A scraping noise, like something being slid across the floor. A chair? No, not loud enough for that.

  There I stood at the doorway to the kitchen. The moment of truth. If I played my cards right maybe I could scare whoever it was and get the advantage. I took a breath and flipped on the light switch, ready to charge.

  “Theodore Edward Doyle! What in the hell are you doing?”

  Ed’s nephew sat bare naked in the middle of the floor, Crisco can opened between his legs, hand inside pulling out a glob of shortening, his face, legs, stomach, and neck covered in white. As if that weren’t bad enough, the cabinets and floor were also covered. I took a step toward him, slipped, and ended up falling flat on my ass and crashing into the stove. Pain shot up my leg to my back. Good thing I couldn’t move because at that moment I wanted to wring that little boy’s neck. Never in all my life have I wanted to lash out at someone.

  Apparently the commotion and noise from my fall woke Ed because next thing I knew he was sliding into me. The two of us lay flat on our backs. Teddy started to cry. He was going to do more than cry if I g
ot my hands on him.

  Ed pushed himself up. “It’s okay, Teddy, calm down.”

  “Calm down! You’re telling that kid to calm down? Look at this place, look at him.” I managed to sit up by that time. “How do you think you’re going to wash that stuff off him? That was a brand new three pound can and now it’s empty. He’s covered in the stuff.”

  “Now, Bea, take it easy. He’s just a little boy.” Ed crawled next to Teddy and took him on his lap.”

  “Take it easy? You’re telling me to take it easy? Look at him. Look at this kitchen. You didn’t even ask if I was okay.” I tried to stand, but my feet slid out from under me and I landed on my back again.

  “Are you okay?” Ed slid over to me, Teddy still in his lap.

  “Damn kitchen’s like an ice skating rink. I hope you know you’re cleaning it up. After you clean up Teddy, that is.” I sat up and slid to the doorway. Pain shot up my back and I ignored it. I had to get out of there before I did or said something I’d regret.

  I crawled to the couch, managed to lift myself onto it. Thank goodness it was leather. Ed could clean it up later, too. I didn’t have the energy or strength to make it to the bedroom. All I wanted was pain free sleep. A few minutes later, Ed brought me a pain pill and glass of water. I couldn’t believe Teddy hadn’t slipped from his arms. Somehow Ed kept a good hold of him.

  I took the pill and drained the glass of water. Suddenly my anger turned to humor. How I controlled my laughter was beyond me. Not only was Teddy covered in white, Ed’s shirt, face, and hands were smeared with Crisco. I turned away and closed my eyes. Wait until he tried to wash that stuff off. Bath soap alone wasn’t going to do it. But damned if I was going to tell him to use dish soap. Nope. Let them suffer. They both deserved it.

  Twenty minutes later, after Ed emptied and filled the tub at least three times, he stood in the doorway. “Bea, is there anything I can use to get this grease off?”

  I looked up at him and laughed. I just couldn’t help it. Not only was he covered in grease, water ran off his hair, dripped down his cheeks, his shirt and pants were soaked. Apparently Teddy was having quite a good time. “What are you using?”

  “Bath soap. It’s not working.”

  “I see.” Part of me wanted to tell him. Part of me wanted him to suffer. Besides, the longer Teddy stayed in the tub, the longer he was out of my hair.

  “What else have you tried?”

  “Shampoo. It’s not working either.”

  “Hmm.” I closed my eyes. Right now I just wanted to sleep. I didn’t want to bother with this. Not with Ed, not with Teddy. Not with anyone or anything.

  “Come on, Bea, there must be something to cut through this grease.”

  Okay, I caved. Besides, I needed to sleep. The pain pill was kicking in, and I wanted to take advantage. I sat up.“Try dish soap.” I got off the couch and hurried to the bedroom.

  “Dish soap?”

  “Yes, dish soap,” I said. “No one had better bother me for the next several hours.” I closed the bedroom door, dropped my robe to the floor, pulled off my pajama bottoms, and crawled into bed.

  Chapter Sixteen

  Three hours later, I woke to giggles and someone running through the house. It took me a few minutes to get my bearings.

  Ed’s shush sounded in the hall. “Come on, we can’t wake Aunt Bea.”

  “Why doesn’t she like me?”

  Oh my. I certainly hadn’t expected that. I sat up, cringing as pain shot through my back.

  “Of course she likes you.” Ed continued to whisper. “But she’s not going to like either of us very much if we wake her up.”

  “No, she doesn’t. I can tell the way she looks at me and talks to me.”

  I sat there, waiting for Ed’s answer, but couldn’t hear it as their footsteps disappeared, proof they were moving away. I always knew kids were afraid of me. Apparently I had a menacing appearance and, I admit, a low tolerance for bad behavior. It wasn’t that I didn’t like Teddy, I just couldn’t handle his disrespect and high maintenance and that no one ever disciplined him. It wasn’t his fault. Someone said a long time ago that kids needed attention and they’d do anything to get it, even misbehave. Was that what Teddy was doing? Crying out for attention?

  I got out of bed, threw on some clothes, and went out to change Teddy’s mind. Not sure how I’d go about it, but I had to at least try. The fearful look when I came in the room and the apprehension on Ed’s face sliced through me. Was I that intimidating?

  I smiled, showing Ed he need not worry. “Who wants breakfast?”

  “Oh…uh…we ate already. I’ll fix you something if you want.”

  “No need. I’ll just grab some toast.” It amazed me how sparkling clean the kitchen was. Why it surprised me, I’m not sure. Ed wasn’t afraid of hard work. Never had been and always chipped in to help. “Kitchen looks great, by the way.”

  “Thanks. Teddy helped.” Ed ruffled the boy’s hair.

  “That’s great. Listen, we should do something fun today. How about we go to an amusement park or something?”

  “Are you sure you’re up for it? Your ankle okay, your back? I don’t want you to overdo it.”

  “I’m fine,” I said. “How about you, Teddy, would you like to go to an amusement park?” Teddy still hid behind Ed, but he peeked around Ed’s leg.

  “Don’t be shy. Would you rather go for a boat ride? Go fishing? A picnic? You name it.”

  “That’s a great idea,” Ed said. Thankfully he got what I was trying to do. He winked at me over Teddy’s head.

  I could have kissed him. In fact, I marched right over to him and did. “Well, Teddy, did you decide?”

  “I never went fishing. I never went on a boat ride either.” Teddy stepped out from behind Ed. “Can we do both?”

  “Absolutely. Ed, you still have those fishing rods in the garage, don’t you?”

  “Yes, ma’am I do.”

  “How about the life preservers, do we still have those?”

  “I’ll have to look, but I think we do.” Ed clapped his hands. “This is going to be fun. Should we pack a lunch or buy it?”

  “Can we get some chicken? I never get to have chicken.”

  “Chicken it is,” I said. “And how about some potato salad. Do you like potato salad?”

  “French fries?” Teddy said so quietly I almost didn’t hear him.

  “Okay, chicken and French fries. Sounds good to me. How about you, Ed?”

  “Sounds great. You guys get ready and I’ll check out the fishing rods and see if I can muster up those life preservers.”

  “Okay, Teddy, can you find your jacket, and I’ll look for my shoes.”

  Chapter Seventeen

  Teddy skipped ahead along the pier. He certainly was excited and amazingly well behaved. Ed had a lot to do with that. He had a way with the boy. Calmed him right down when he started jumping around or acting up. Even taught him some manners. Simple things like please and thank you. I was shocked at the restaurant when he asked his uncle if he could please have chocolate milk.

  “Slow down, Teddy,” Ed said. “That boy has more energy than that damn bunny in those commercials.”

  “I wish I had a third of it.” A third, hell, I wish I had an eighth. That boy could run circles around me, Ed, and my nieces and nephews put together. He just kept going and going.

  “Hey, sport, we’re over here.” Ed pointed to our boat.

  “Wow! That’s your boat?” Teddy ran back to us, stopped, and stared at the boat.

  “Yep, that’s ours. Here, let me help you on board.” Ed pulled the boat closer to the pier with the rope, helped Teddy, boarded behind him, and helped Teddy put on the life preserver we’d brought.

  I handed Ed the fishing rods and waited until he started the engine, then I cast off the front rope, threw it on the boat, and Ed grabbed it. I moved to the back, boarded, and leaned over ready to cast off. Ed idled the engine so the front end moved a bit away from the dock. Splash!
I hit the water, went under and came up blubbering, mouth full of water. Teddy stood with the push pole, pushed against the dock. I swear that boy had it out for me.

  “Aunt Beatrice Lulu!” He dropped the pole, reached over to grab me, fell on top of me, and pushed me under. I came back up, caught my breath and tried to grab him. Hands and legs flailing, he pushed me under again. I finally grabbed him around the waist.

  “Calm down, relax, quit fighting.”

  Ed killed the ignition, hurried to the side and tried to pull us up. I waved him away, swam to the stern, and lifted Teddy aboard. Ed grabbed him and reached over to help me. By this time the boat had drifted toward the pier and straight for a cabin cruiser. “Ed, quick!” I pointed and waved him away. I’d get up myself. The main thing was to avoid hitting anything.

  Ed started the engine and turned clear just in time. I lay on the stern, out of breath and sorer than hell.

  “Are you okay, Aunt Beatrice Lulu?” Teddy knelt next to me and rubbed my arm.

  I reached up and brushed the hair from his face. “I’m fine.”

  “I…I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make you fall in.”

  “I know. It’s okay.” I laughed. “Don’t we look like a fine kettle of fish?”

  “Huh?” Teddy shivered.

  “Look at us, we’re soaking wet.”

  Teddy shivered again. Poor thing was freezing. “Come on, let’s get you dried off.”

  I lifted one of the seats, grabbed a beach towel, and wrapped it around him. “How’s that?”

  “B..better.” He shivered again.

  I grabbed two more towels, wrapped one around me, the other around him, and pulled him close trying to warm him up. “I think we better cut this trip short, Ed. Teddy’s freezing”

  “No! I’ll be okay. Honest. I don’t want to go back yet.” Teddy pulled away. “We didn’t go fishing. And we didn’t eat our chicken. Can we please stay?”

  “Okay, but I’ve got to dry you off and get your warm.” I lifted another seat and pulled out one of Ed’s t-shirts we kept on board for emergencies. “Here, take off those wet clothes and put this on until yours dry.”