The Reeducation of Savannah McGuire

by Heidi McLaughlin

  When I reach the bottom of the trail, Zach is there, leaning up against one of the logs with his ankles crossed. From where I’m standing, he looks peaceful. He looks like any other tourist in France, happy to be here. My approach is slow and I walk toward him head on so he can tell me to stop or move away from me. He doesn’t, and I take that as a sign to sit next to him.

  “Why didn’t you say anything?”

  Sighing heavily, I try to think of something that would make sense. Truth is, nothing does. “I don’t know. We were having fun and I like hanging out with you. I figured once you leave that would be it ya know? You’d have some great memories of France to take with you and we’d never see each other again.”

  “You’ve had wine with dinner.”

  “The drinking age is sixteen here.”

  He nods as if he’s forgotten that minor tidbit.

  “You didn’t care to know how old I am?”

  Looking off toward the mountains I realize that I became so wrapped up in having a friend that it didn’t matter. I was alone in New York and even though I had a bunch of friends, they were never truly people who I could just talk to. When I arrived on the ranch I held onto that attitude until Tyler and Jeremiah reminded me that they’re my true friends, especially Jeremiah with his stupid nickname for me. I can’t imagine any girl wants to be called Mouse, but right now I’d love to hear it.

  Zach was the replacement, the one person to make me feel like I mattered here in Paris. He didn’t judge me by my apartment, my mother’s job, or the clothes I was wearing. I could be me and he was none the wiser. That was wrong of me though.

  “I wanted to know, but we were having fun and didn’t want to ruin things.”

  “You know I started thinking that I really don’t know much about you, except that your dad died and you’re from Texas and New York. I’ve invested my vacation in someone that I hardly know, and I did it because you made me smile and it’s been so long since I’ve smiled. War can take its toll and while my friends are back on base seeing their wives and girlfriends, I didn’t want to go home and have to say goodbye again.

  “I met you on my first day here and have enjoyed every day we’ve been together. It didn’t matter so much that I felt like I needed to know everything about you right away and I figured we’d get to know each other more over the next week or so I have left.” Zach pauses, taking out his bottle of water to take a drink.

  “It’s not your fault,” he says as he screws the lid back on. “There are things I should’ve asked. I think I was just too excited to meet an American, a cute one at that.” Zach bumps my shoulder and my cheeks turn red.

  “I’m really sorry, Zach. I didn’t mean to lie to you.”

  He turns his head in my direction and smiles. “You didn’t, but under the laws of full disclosure I think you should tell me if you have a boyfriend back home that’s going to come kicking my ass.”

  I can’t help but laugh. “I don’t think he’s my boyfriend and I doubt he’ll want to kick your ass.”

  “What’s his name?”

  “Tyler,” I tell him.

  “What does he do?”

  I look at him questioningly. “Why all the questions?”

  Zach shrugs and takes another drink of his water. “I guess I want to know about the guy who let his girlfriend travel clear across the country and didn’t go with her.”

  I think about this for a minute and realize I know the reasoning. I never thought to ask him to come with me. I’m not sure he would’ve, but I could’ve offered. Or at least told him what my plans are and when I’m coming back.

  I take a deep breath and mentally prepare myself for a look of disgust when he sees how selfish I am. “I didn’t ask him,” I say honestly. “He runs my uncle’s farm and works a lot. I wanted to come to Paris and figure things out. This was my plan before I even went back to Texas.”

  “And you didn’t want him messing it up?”

  “Yes,” I say without reservation. “It’s mean I know, but I wanted Paris before I was sent to the ranch… things changed there, but I’m not ready to change my life.”

  Zach reaches for my hand, clasping his fingers with mine. “It’s not mean if it’s the truth. It’s better that you take what you need out of life now before you look back on it in ten years with regret.”

  He doesn’t give me an opportunity to respond as he pulls me toward the tour bus we arrived on earlier. It’s about a two-hour bus ride back to Paris, which could be awkward considering the topic of discussion we were having or it could be nice and quiet if we both fall asleep.

  Zach has made me think more about my situation with Tyler. We never declared ourselves a couple, which is something someone my age wants, but not necessarily something he would do. He’s past all that high school “will you be my boyfriend” crap, but I’m not. My emotional state needs the hard facts, not this read between the lines stuff. What if I read the wrong thing and go one way while he goes the other?

  I could already be going the other way. I haven’t done any soul-searching because I’ve spent most of my time people watching and being a tourist. I’ve done nothing to figure out about University and I don’t even know if I want to stay here. Being someone like Aunt Sue doesn’t appeal either. I just don’t know if I could live on the ranch and be happy and that’s not fair to Tyler. He needs a woman who wants to be like Aunt Sue. Who doesn’t mind cooking big dinners and feeding everyone on the ranch. That’s just not me.

  Although, right now, I’m not really sure I know who “me” is, either.

  Zach shakes my shoulder just as the overhead lights turn on. I fell asleep and by the looks of it, I fell asleep on him. I yawn and stretch, looking around at the others on the bus doing the same thing. He holds my hand again as we get off the bus. It feels good. He makes me feel safe and protected. But so does Tyler. I like Zach, but he doesn’t make my heart beat faster like Tyler does.

  When we reach my flat, Zach pulls me into a hug. It feels good to hug him back. I fit in his arms. He kisses me on the forehead and says he’ll wait for me to get to my window.

  “Savannah?” he says my name before the door to my stairs closes. I push it open and smile at him. “Tomorrow, breakfast?”

  “Of course.” It’s a relief knowing my mistakes aren’t coming back to bite me in the ass. He could’ve just left me tonight and never looked back, but he didn’t.

  I take each step slowly. I’m not sore, but I’m definitely tired. Emotions take a lot out of you, more than you tend to think. I hesitate at the top of the stairs when I see a dark figure sitting in front of my door. My heart races as I eye the person and look back down the stairs. The lighting in this hallway needs to be upgraded and now would be a great time for them to do it.

  The person stands and faces me. It’s flight or fight time.

  “Savannah?”

  I cover my mouth as I half scream, half gasp. Rushing down the hall I jump into his arms and cry.

  Tyler

  Annamae was always jumping into my arms whenever I saw her. Even if it were an hour after l dropped her off. I hated it, found it annoying and ridiculous. A few times I thought it’d be funny to not catch her, but I always did.

  Savannah jumping into my arms is a relief. The way she wraps herself around me, allowing me to bury my nose in her hair and hold her to me, sends a sense of calm through my body. Coming to Paris was the right decision regardless of what happens while I’m here. Being with her right now is what we both needed.

  No lie, I was scared as the day turned to night and she hadn’t returned. My fears of her finding someone new or not being in town plagued my thoughts all day. I knew the risk, but was willing to take it just to see her, just to have this moment with her, even if it’s my last.

  When you have nothing but time to kill, you start to think and that’s not always a beneficial thing. Coupled with my fears, each time I heard footsteps I readied myself for rejection. I could picture her face in my head, the look of dis
gust and anger as she saw me standing by her door waiting.

  It’s still there even as I hold her close – that feeling that she doesn’t want me here. I’m afraid to let her go. Afraid that the moment I let her down, and she looks at me, her face will fall and I’ll be asked… no told... to leave. I don’t want to hear that Paris makes her happy and I know that makes me selfish, but she’s in my arms and all I want to do is carry her out of here and back to the airport.

  Against my will, she wants down. I hold her as I lower her until her feet touch the ground and only then do I reluctantly loosen my grip. Her hands are soft against my face as she holds me, letting her fingers tickle the scruff growing in.

  “I think I’m dreaming,” she says.

  I want to kiss her, but the sounds of footsteps stop me. I look over her shoulder to find a man coming toward us. Before I can acknowledge his presence Savannah’s name is falling from his lips. I can’t even describe what I’m feeling. My skin feels tight. My heart is racing. My tongue feels heavy as Savannah turns in my arms and takes a step toward this man. She’s met someone else.

  I’m too late.

  “Zach?” her voice is soft and welcoming. I instantly hate that I’m here and hate the man standing on the other side of her.

  “You didn’t come to the window… is everything okay?” I glare at him, hoping to convey that she belongs to me. I can’t help it. Savannah is worth fighting for and he needs to know that. I have a feeling this is going to be a showdown and not the Wild West kind. It’ll be him versus me with Savannah in the middle. I give him a good look – noticing that he’s the same stature as I am. It’ll be a fair fight.

  Except when Savannah turns and looks at me, I get the feeling that I’ve already lost. I suck in my bottom lip to bite it, anything to tell my brain that the pain is okay. She smiles, but it doesn’t reach her eyes, it’s nothing like I’m used to from her.

  “Everything’s great. I was just saying –”

  “Please don’t,” I say as my voice breaks.

  “It’s not what it looks like. I promise.” She grabs for my hand and I let her. If I’m stupid enough to believe those words I might as well get one last hand hold out of the deal.

  Savannah looks back at her friend and all I want to do is throw her over my shoulder and start running. It’s ridiculous, I know, but there’s something about her that makes me want to do stupid things like profess my love to anyone that will listen. I hope this “Zach” guy doesn’t feel the same way.

  “Zach, this is Tyler.”

  He steps forward before she can finish her sentence. Or maybe she’s done and I’m just hoping for more.

  “Hey, man, it’s nice to meet you.” Before I know it, we’re shaking hands and I feel like I’m in the Twilight Zone.

  “Are we still on for breakfast?” he asks, as she looks back and forth between him and me.

  “Let’s shoot for lunch at the café on the corner.” He kisses her on the cheek and disappears down the hall, all while I stand there trying to figure out what’s going on.

  “Hey,” she says, as she places her hand against my cheek and turns me toward her. “Do you think that maybe you want to kiss me?”

  “What about that guy?”

  “Kiss me first and then I’ll tell you.”

  I fight the urge to be like her and roll my eyes. “It doesn’t work like that, Savvy.” She sighs and leaves the confines of our personal bubble to open her door. After she steps in, I follow and take in the scene before me. The windows are long and covered by gold curtains that would make Aunt Sue cringe, with dark red furniture set against stark white walls. Everything screams “do not touch” and I can picture my mother squeezing the crap out of my hand as we walk through a store where someone would buy all of this.

  “Are you thirsty or hungry?” Savannah takes my bag and sets it down against the white wall, causing me to worry that I’m too dirty to be in this place. My farm clothes are going to soil everything if I’m not careful. Talk about being uncomfortable.

  “I am, but that can all wait. I want to see you. Talk to you. Just even holding you right now would be enough.” I step to her, placing my hand on her hip. I let out a long exhale as I summon up the courage to ask the question that’s at the forefront of my mind. “Are you in love with that guy?”

  Savannah falls into me, wrapping her arms around my waist. As much as I want to kiss her, I refuse. I have to know where her heart is, even if this is the last time I see her. Her fingers move into my hair, pushing my ball cap off my head. Internally, I cringe, thinking about it dirtying up the floor when it lands but Savannah doesn’t seem to care.

  “No, I’m not,” she whispers as her lips hover dangerously close to mine. My fingers dig into her hips as I pull her body flush with mine. “I met him a week ago. He’s a Marine on leave and we’ve just been hanging out.”

  “Why was he waiting for you?”

  “To make sure I made it into my apartment safely.”

  For some reason the words “my apartment” cause me to step back. Is she established already? Am I too late to change her mind? I move away from her to fully take in the place that she lives. That she’s calling home. It’s grand compared to the ranch and something I could never provide for her. It hits me like a ton of bricks just how opposite she and I are. I know from experience even love can’t overcome the desire to live a different lifestyle.

  “Tyler, what’s wrong?”

  “This,” I say as I spread my hands out. “I can’t compete with this.”

  Savannah steps behind me and rests cheek against my shoulder. It’s a simple moment like this – when I realize how well we fit – that kills me knowing we likely won’t end up together. I can see it now, in five or ten years from now, she’ll come back and if we’re both single we’ll hook-up because the attraction is there, but I have a feeling that’s all we’ll end up being.

  “Do you want to compete with it?”

  Turning in her arms, I grab her face and bring our lips together. Our kiss starts off slowly and is nothing but lips until her hands pull my hair. I let Savannah lead. I let her dictate where this kiss is going. She whimpers as her tongue touches mine and her nails dig into my scalp. My mind is racing, battling with my heart as my hands roam over her body grasping to hold every inch of her.

  She pulls away all too soon, leaving me aching for more. Her fingers move in and out of my hair as she labors her breathing, pressing her forehead to mine as she gives me a lingering kiss before sighing. “I’ve missed you so much.”

  Those words are the ones I’ve been dying to hear, but didn’t realize how much they’d tear at my heart. I want to get down on bended knee and profess my love, but it’s too soon, and she has a lot of life to live before she’s tied down. Besides, I may not be enough. I want to be enough, though, and know I may need to change for her in order to accomplish that. Can I give up the ranch and be the man she wants me to be?

  I’m not sure. The ranch is all I know. It’s all I’ve cared about for years. It’s in my blood and was once in hers.

  “You have no idea how happy I am that you’re here.”

  “Tell me,” I beg her. If she’s willing to open up, I’m more than willing to absorb everything she wants to tell me.

  She takes my hand, stopping to pick up my hat. She places it on my head awkwardly but I don’t dare fix it. I steal a kiss before I bend over to pick up my suitcase and let her lead me wherever she’s taking me. I wonder if she knows that I’d follow her anywhere. Evident by the fact that I’m so out of my comfort zone, I feel like I’m having an out of body experience. I’m out of my element, yet so at ease as long as I’m with Savannah.

  We walk down the hall and into her room. It’s vastly different from the living room, but still too fashionable for my tastes. Many different kinds of fabrics cover the walls and drape over the window. Soft, muted light flows through giving off a moonlight ambience.

  “This is nice.”

  She shrugs. �
�It’s whatever. There’s something missing though.”

  “What’s that?” I ask, as I set my bag and hat down. Her fingers trail up my arm, resting on my shoulders.

  “You,” she whispers against my lips.

  Savannah

  Pinch me.

  Pinch me again.

  Pinch me again and again.

  The boy… no he’s so much more than a boy... the man that makes my heart beat a little bit faster, who makes my palms sweat, who makes my skin tingle, is standing in my bedroom in Paris. If I didn’t know better, I’d say it’s a dream. But my dream wouldn’t include Zach coming back to shake Tyler’s hand. That’s how I knew Tyler was real. That’s how I knew he was here for me.

  And now with him standing in my room, I want nothing more than to be with him, to fall asleep in his arms and to hold his hand while we tour Paris and he falls in love. Except, he’s not here to sightsee or fall in love with our surroundings. Even I know that. The proverbial elephant sitting in the corner with its trunk in the air is reminding me of that. But my plan is to ignore everything and just live in the moment. I don’t want to know when he’s going home or what he’s really doing here. Those answers will come in due time. Right now, its just Tyler, me, and the city I’ve fallen in love with.

  He looks around my room. It’s different from the one I have in Texas, but a lot like the one I had in New York. I found the tapestries at a farmers market during my first weekend here. I had to have them and loved stopping at every stand that I went to that day. I didn’t do those things in Texas. I barely left the ranch. I don’t know why, either. I was either afraid or just not willing to unless it was to a mall, but when I arrived here and came upon the market, it felt right. It’s what I wanted to do. It’s what I imagine myself doing every weekend.

  “This is what I’m like,” I tell him as I let the fabric run over my fingers. “In New York I decorated my room with art, tapestries and lights.” I walk over to the other side of my room, which is just a fabric-covered wall. “At my mom’s, this wall had a bookshelf on it. I would look through second-hand stores for old books. Chaucer, Bronte… anything I could find.”