Sublime Wreckage

by Charlene Zapata

  He takes a step closer so he is standing right in front of me. He wraps his arms very gently around my body, holding me softly in a tender embrace. He leans down and whispers in my ear. "I'm here for you."

  Those four little words might just be my undoing. I can feel the battle going on between my mind and my heart. My mind is telling me that I've survived this long by myself while my heart is telling me to let him in. But for now my mind takes over.

  "Thanks Vincent. I really am fine. We better get going before we are late for school." I turn around quickly because I can't let him see the one tear that is trying to escape. I don't want him to see the effect he has on me. I can't begin to hope for something more between us. Not now. Not while I still live with that horrible woman. How can I have a relationship with someone when I have to hide such a big part of who I am? Friendship is one thing but to take this any further would just be wrong. I can't let him in all the way. I just can't.

  Once we make it to school and Vince has pulled away, Amanda turns to me with a very serious look on her face. "He cares about you Maggie. Maybe you should consider telling him the truth. What harm could it cause?"

  "No. Absolutely not. I don't need him to take care of me. He doesn't need to get involved in that part of my life. I can't even explain it to myself let alone try to explain it to someone else. I don't know why she does this to me. I don't understand how a mother can treat her own child this way. It's embarrassing." I can't look Amanda in the eyes so I look to the ground full of shame. Constantly being told that you are worthless takes its toll. After being in the house with her for three days hearing nothing but negative comments, it has left me feeling so low I don't know if I can climb back up this time.

  "Maggie, look at me. It's not your fault. None of this is your fault. There is something seriously wrong with that woman. You are one of the smartest people I know. The determination you have to get away from her and make a better life is inspiring. Don't you dare let her take that from you." I raise my head after hearing her words and stare right into her eyes. She's right and this is why I love her.

  "I won't. Not ever."

  Amanda gives me a little hug then walks me to my locker. She offers to help with my bag full of books but I tell her it's not that bad. I don't want her to be late to class because of me. I pull out only the books I absolutely need and head to class. It's going to be another long day. After getting all the assignments I missed I work as hard as I can during study hall trying to get as much done as possible. Three days of homework really adds up. I also forgot about the poem assignment for English but Mr. Brown said I could turn it in on Friday since I was out sick.

  I don't eat much at lunch today. My lip is still pretty sore right along with my jaw. Thankfully I've been able to move around with minimal pain from the rest of my body. I guess staying in bed for three days while icing my injuries really paid off. I should be back to my old self by next week. The bruises will take a little longer to completely fade away. But the memory of what she did to me will be with me forever.

  As soon as the bell rings at the end of the day I meet up with Amanda. I asked her to give my note to the coach. I figured it was better not to show my face since I'm supposed to be in pretty bad shape physically. The note I forged asked that I be excused from practice and our meet this weekend due to the severe flu I suffered for three days. I explained that my body was too weak from dehydration to perform any physical activity and signed it with my mother's name. Amanda said coach wants me to get better and seemed to believe the explanation. We wait until the bus has left for practice to head outside. The last thing I need is my teammates seeing me leave with some hot guy when I should be at practice. I texted Vince to give us an extra five minutes to get outside.

  Just as we round the corner I see him. He is standing in front of his Mustang with his legs and arms crossed. He is leaning back against the hood of his car in a black t-shirt and jeans. He has on his black work boots with a small smile. He is so damn sexy. I can't help but smile back after taking every inch of him in. That's when I notice someone standing next to him. It's his little brother grinning like he just ate the canary.

  "Hi. Maggie this is Joey. My little brother. I give him a ride home every day so we have to drop him off first."

  "No way. I'm coming with you guys. Keri has band practice tonight and I want to get to know your new girlfriend!" I look over at Joey and smile. He seems like such a sweet kid.

  "It's nice to meet you Joey. And I don't mind if you want to hang out with Vince's friends." Vince gives me a sideways smile as we all load up in the car. I was going to ride in the backseat with Amanda but Vince insisted I sit up front since I'm still recovering from being sick. I don't know why but I get the distinct feeling he knows way more than he is telling me. This morning he mentioned telling him the truth when I'm ready. Does he know what's really going on? I decide to blow it off for now. Once we get to Vince's house he decides it's best to just chill and watch crappy television. I don't argue because sitting on his luxurious leather couch sounds wonderful right about now. Amanda takes a tour of the house with Joey while Vince and I sit down surfing channels.

  I sat down first on the very end of the couch trying to convey I wanted to sit alone but Vince sat right next to me. I have to admit, I like having him so close. I can feel the warmth of his body next to mine. Why does he have to smell so damn good? And how is he able to soothe me without even saying a single word? Just his presence makes me feel whole again. Like I'm starting to remember who I am. That I am determined. That I can and will survive the rest of this year.

  Amanda and Joey come back into the living room and sit down with us. Vincent finds a re-run of friends, one of my all-time favorite shows, while Amanda and Joey go over the fact that Vince and I are just friends. He seems very puzzled by the fact that we aren't dating but I notice Vince give him a look that means "shut your mouth right now" so Joey does just that. I only have an hour before I have to leave. I wish I had more time but she's expecting me home. I just feel so comfortable in his house. Sitting next to him. My stomach isn't in knots wondering if I did something wrong, I don't have to worry about getting smacked around or called awful names. It's peaceful. And before I know it, it's over.

  Vince drops Joey and Amanda off first. I feel like he wanted to be alone with me even if it is just for five minutes. But when he drops me off at the park he doesn't say anything other than our normal goodbye. Something feels off but I don't question him. I think I'm afraid of what he might say. Instead I just wave and walk home.

  Chapter Fifteen

  I walk in the door to a very quiet house. Which isn't unusual when she is depressed. After putting my things in my room, I make her a fresh ice tea and go to check on her. She is sound asleep. I clear away the dirty dishes leaving her drink on her nightstand. I head to the kitchen to make dinner. While I'm cooking I hear her get up to use the bathroom but she doesn't come into the kitchen. That's pretty typical behavior for her. When she gets depressed the only two rooms she goes into are the bathroom and her bedroom. I don't think she would even eat if I didn't bring her food. I just don't understand it. I have looked up several disorders but I'm no psychologist so I can't be certain about what mental health disease she suffers from. I think it's possibly bi-polar disorder but she doesn't fit all the criteria. All I know is something is wrong with her. She just won't admit it to herself. I have tried to talk to her about it but that just makes her angry so I leave it alone. I can't force her to get help.

  After I finish making dinner I take her plate into her room. She is sitting up in her bed watching television. I set her food down and turn to leave.

  "Wait. Will you stay in here with me? Bring your dinner and eat with me?"

  "Sure Mom." I grab my plate from the kitchen and head back to her room. I go around to the other side of the bed and sit down next to her. We eat in silence with only the sound of the television in the background. Just as I'm about to get up to take our dirty dishes away s
he puts her hand on my shoulder. It takes every ounce of energy in my body not to wince from her touch.

  "Maggie, I'm sorry I lost it the other night. I didn't mean to hurt you like that. I don't know what happens in those moments. It's like I just see red. I lost control. I can't promise that it won't happen again but I will try not to let it take over. I know you don't think I feel bad but I do. I'm not the greatest mother but I do the best I can. One day you will understand the sacrifices I have made for you. Being a single mother isn't easy. So please just forgive me. I will continue to make mistakes, I know that but that's how we learn." Times like this are very rare. This is when I get a tiny indication of the woman my father must have loved. She is actually showing compassion toward her daughter. Even though she doesn't say the words "I love you" I feel like maybe she does. She must on some level. Right?

  "It's okay mom. I'm fine. I know you don't mean it. Of course I forgive you. Is there anything else I can get you tonight? I really have a ton of homework to catch up on." I'm sure not everyone would understand the relationship I have with this woman. Why or how could I forgive her for such horrible abuse? She is my mother. My only living parent. What other choice do I have? I decide to make the best out of my current situation, to keep moving forward.

  "No. I think I will just go back to sleep. You go ahead and do your homework."

  "Okay. Goodnight." I clean up the kitchen then head to my bedroom. I decide to work on the poem first. It's probably going to take the most time since I have no clue what to write about. I lay down in my bed staring at the ceiling wondering how I got to this point in my life. I don't have a father and my mother has more problems than I can handle. I don't have many friends and the ones I do have don't really know what my life is like. That's my own fault. I have a hard time letting people in. I know that. I get my phone out and decide to call Vince.

  "Hey stranger. What are you up too?"

  "Maggie?"

  "Don't sound so surprised Slick."

  "It's just, I mean you never really call. Is everything alright?" I immediately hear the worry in his voice and it makes me feel terrible.

  "Everything's fine. I was just doing my homework and thought about you. I felt like you wanted to say something earlier when you dropped me off. I guess I just wanted to make sure we were okay."

  "Oh. Well, I did want to talk to you but I figured it wasn't the best time so I changed my mind. Maybe the next time we go to the creek I can tell you but it wasn't anything important. Just something about my dad I wanted to share."

  "Are you sure that was it? Because it seemed like something more?" Why am I pushing him? It's like I want him to confess some unspoken secret he has.

  "I'm sure. So what are you working on? Do you need some help?" I decide to let it go. He doesn't seem to want to talk about it and over the phone probably isn't the best anyway.

  "Do you know anything about poetry?" He laughs a little in my ear. I close my eyes trying to picture his face as he begins to relax back into our routine.

  "Sorry. You are on your own. Do you have some calculus I can help with?" And just like that our conversation starts to flow like it always has. The tension and awkwardness of the moment have passed. I feel so relieved. I feel like our friendship will survive. It's the rest I'm not so sure about.

  We stayed on the phone for almost two hours. I finally told him I had to go before my eyelids closed on their own and he had to hear me snoring again. That of course made him laugh. We say our goodbyes. I check on my mother one more time before going to bed. She is sound asleep. I stand over her watching her face, looking for any signs of the monster I saw the other night. But I don't see it. All I see is a fragile woman trying to hang onto reality. I think that's part of the reason I don't report the abuse. There is still some part of me that loves her unconditionally. Some part of who I am that makes me stay to endure her treatment. The part of me that is connected to her flesh and blood. Regardless of what she does to me she will always be my mother. That's what I decide to write my poem about. The love we carry for others even if they don't deserve it.

  The next few days go by without any major incidents. My mother sleeps all the time except when I bring her food. I'm back to work so I haven't had much time to spend with Vince. Amanda has been insisting on hanging out after school until I have to go to work. She told her dad we had some project to work on for school. I think she just wants to get out of working at the shop. So we go to Vince's house after school. Vince and I work on homework while Amanda watches tv. They are getting to know each other better which only makes Amanda harass me about dating him all the more.

  I was able to catch up on all my schoolwork with Vince's help. He really is amazing. Who would have thought that under his rough exterior there was such a sensitive, intelligent, incredible guy? Yet another reason you should never judge a book by its cover. We seem to be talking more on the phone lately. I have more time to myself when I'm home since my mother hasn't gotten out of bed in almost two weeks. My body has healed completely which means I can go for a run. It's close to 9 o'clock so I decide to text Vince to see if he wants to join me. I know he doesn't like it when I'm out late at night alone. His response makes me laugh.

  You mean like run with you? Can't I just follow you in my car?

  No. You have to run. I will take it easy on you. Drive over to the park and we can go from there.

  I step outside in the cool night air. It's the beginning of October. The start of fall. My favorite time of year. The leaves just started turning from monotonous green to vibrant shades of yellow and orange. This time of year always reminds me of my father. I walk down the dim street toward the park. I can hear him before I can see him.

  "I can't believe I let you talk me into this." I just laugh in response.

  "Come on old man. You can do this." I start off with a small jog. Vince seems to be able to keep up so I increase my speed. By the time we have gone about two miles I have to stop because Vince is hunched over with his hands on his knees trying to catch his breath.

  "I thought I was in pretty good shape. I mean I push a lawn mower around all day but you are killing me!"

  "Okay Slick. Calm down. We don't have to run back to the park. We can walk. But it's going to take us forever at your old man pace."

  "Old man? I'm only about three years older than you."

  "Not for long. I will be 18 in four short weeks."

  "Really? What should we do for your birthday? Maybe have a party? We could do it at my house. What do you think?"

  "That actually sounds like fun. But it will have to be the weekend before because I'm spending my birthday weekend with my Grandpa."

  "This is going to be fun." He looks at me with a huge smile seeming very satisfied that I agreed so quickly. That's when I decide to burst his bubble just a little.

  "You're going to have to include Amanda. She will want to help with the planning."

  "Seriously?" He lets out a loud groan. It's not that he doesn't like Amanda, she just takes some getting used to. I mean I know how to tune her out when she starts rambling on and on about guys but poor Vince doesn't want to be rude so he sits and listens. In her eyes he is the best guy on the planet.

  I just laugh at Vince as we walk the rest of the way to the park. We talk about his brother, work, school, pretty much everything we usually talk about. Then I remember that he wanted to tell me something about his dad.

  "Hey, what was that thing you wanted to share about your dad?" He looks at me with confusion. "You know, about a week ago when you dropped me off. You said you wanted to talk about your dad."

  "Oh. Right. I just remembered something he told me once when I was acting like an idiot. I had gotten suspended from school for fighting and he had to take time off work to pick me up. He was so disappointed in my behavior. I think he was trying anything and everything to get me to straighten up. He told me that I was better than the person I was pretending to be. That I needed to snap out of it because I wasn't being true t
o myself. It just made me think of you. Of your situation. When you were sick and I didn't see you for three days it's almost like you were a different person when you reemerged. I saw the light go out of your eyes for a few days and it scared the hell out of me. All your confidence seemed like it had been sucked out of you. I don't know what happened during that time, I'm just glad you're back. I can see the spark in your eyes again. I don't ever want you to lose that. To lose the fierceness that makes you who you are."

  How do I even respond to everything he just said to me? We walk in silence the rest of the way. I don't know what to say to him. He really sees me. He doesn't see the girl I'm pretending to be most of the time. He sees me. The real me. And it scares me to death. I want to open up to him but how? How do you tell someone that your mother flips out, most of the time for no reason at all, and beats you senseless? How do you trust someone with that kind of information? Once we reach his car I know I have to say something, give him some kind of response.

  "Vincent. Thank you for seeing me. Thank you for recognizing the person that I want to be. I can't tell you what stole the light from my eyes. Not yet." He stops me before I say anything else. We are standing next to his car side by side. He leans his body into mine taking my hand in his.

  "Magnolia, take your time. I'm not going anywhere." We stay like that for a long time. Just standing next to one another and just breathing.

  Chapter Sixteen

  The next three weeks fly by. Patricia finally got over her depression and has been up moving around. She got back to her online dating profile trying to find a new boyfriend which has taken most of her focus. Vince and I have been studying like crazy. He helps me with math and I help him study for his GED. I know he is going to pass with flying colors but he isn't so sure. So we spend as much time as possible prepping for the big day. Amanda has my party all planned out finally listening to me when I told her I didn't want a big crowd. I gave her the list of people she could invite and told her she better listen or she wouldn't be allowed to come over to Vince's anymore. That got her attention. She also wants to bring her boyfriend. I guess I should get to know the guy since this is the longest relationship Amanda has ever been in. It will also be the first time she meets Tommy. He works such long hours at the factory so he is never around when Amanda hangs out. I hope they get along.