Friendship Fails of Emma Nash

by Chloe Seager

  It was like everything went slo-mo. I knew I had a big decision to make. Continue to photobomb Steph, or go and actually be a good friend. Such…tough…life…decisions…

  The camera clicked. Without me. (Obviously, I photoshopped myself in as soon as I got home, but I’m halfway on the road to recovery.) If I was really serious about making my friendship with Gracie work, I was going to have to try harder than one awkward game of Scrabble.

  ‘Hey, let’s go over here,’ I said, putting my hand on her shoulder.

  ‘Why?’ She practically jumped out of her skin. ‘Where are you taking me?’

  ‘I’m abducting you, obviously.’

  ‘Seriously, where are we going?!’

  ‘For the love of God, I’m not Willie Thomas!!!’

  Eventually we got away from the group. She shrugged at me.

  ‘What’s going on?’ she asked.

  I took a deep breath. ‘Are you OK? You know, about Andy and Steph?’ I gabbled.

  She looked a bit taken aback.

  ‘Yeah. Fine. Why?’

  ‘You just seemed a bit…maybe not fine?’

  She crossed her arms. ‘Did Steph send you? Are you going to go back and talk about how possessive and uptight I’m being?’

  It was my turn to look taken aback.

  ‘What?! NO! I just thought you might be feeling weird, which would be completely understandable.’

  Her shoulders relaxed a bit, then, and her face softened.

  ‘And it wouldn’t mean you were being possessive or uptight, or even that you weren’t fine with it,’ I went on. ‘It would just mean you were adjusting, which would be totally normal.’

  She searched my eyes for a moment, as if looking for proof I was tricking her or something. Eventually she must have decided I wasn’t, because she said, ‘Well… OK. I guess it is a bit weird.’

  I nodded like I knew. Which I absolutely don’t, because I don’t have any siblings. Would it be the same to imagine a friend dating my mum…? GROSS. NO. TOTALLY NOT THE SAME. GETOUTGETOUTGETOUT.

  ‘Do you want to talk about it?’ I asked.

  ‘I don’t know,’ she started cautiously. ‘Like, it’s nice in a way, I mean it would be nice if Steph came to our family events and things…’

  ‘That would be fun,’ I said.

  ‘Yeah. I mean…it will be nice for a while. But they’ll probably break up, right? And then what will happen? Will Steph still want to come round mine?’

  ‘Probably jumping ahead a bit.’

  ‘Yeah, but, it’s true, right?’

  ‘Well… There might be some potential awkwardness if they break up.’

  Gracie sighed.

  ‘But I think that’s all it is…just awkwardness,’ I continued. ‘It wouldn’t actually damage your friendship with Steph or your relationship with Andy. Their relationship is their thing.’

  Gracie nodded, but she didn’t seem convinced.

  ‘Is this what’s bothering you?’ I carried on. ‘Their potential break-up?’

  ‘No, I mean, there is that… But it’s more like… I don’t know.’

  ‘What?’

  She chewed her lip.

  ‘I would never say this to Steph, so please don’t repeat this.’

  ‘I won’t.’

  ‘Do you swear?’

  ‘I swear!’

  ‘But you tell Steph everything.’

  ‘I won’t tell her, I promise!’

  She paused.

  ‘What if I become less important to both of them, than they are to each other? That would be awful. I’d feel left out at home, at school… I guess, I don’t know, this relationship just invades my life from all angles.’

  She put her head down, covering her face in rivulets of red hair. Suddenly I had an urge I’d never had before… To hug her. I mean, we’ve hugged before, but I mean really hug her. Squeeze her.

  ‘GRACIE,’ I shouted. ‘That is so not even a tiny, weeny possibility! Andy is your brother, your blood. Blood! Blood! BLOOD!’

  ‘Please stop shouting “blood”.’

  ‘And Steph is one of your best friends!’ I carried on.

  She looked up at me, through her hair.

  ‘Don’t get me wrong,’ I said. ‘They’re going to have a, um, different bond with each other than they do with you. But not more important. No way.’

  She looked at me all vulnerable and bushbaby-eyed.

  ‘Do you really think so?’

  ‘YES. Of course!’

  She nodded.

  ‘Thanks,’ she said. ‘You know, I actually feel lots better.’

  I thought about going for the squeeze-hug, then, but I thought it was still probably a bit premature. So I just linked my arm through hers and we went back over to the group.

  ‘What were you guys doing?’ asked Steph.

  ‘Oh, er… ’ I looked at Gracie, who stared back at me with pleading eyes.

  ‘Just checking out the cute hot-dog guy,’ Gracie finished.

  Steph frowned, glancing at the hot-dog guy (who was in his fifties and sporting a handlebar moustache), but didn’t ask any more questions. She turned back to Andy.

  ‘Thank you,’ mouthed Gracie. And she smiled at me.

  And now I’m in bed, still thinking about the talk and the smile and the fact she actually seemed better after our chat. I feel kind of…warm? About Gracie. Warm about me and Gracie. Huh.

  Saturday, 8 November

  posted by EditingEmma 11.07

  I Don’t BELIEVE This

  I just saw Crazy Holly posting about an email she’d got from the school, and how excited she was to try out her designs for ‘banana shoes’ in the fashion show.

  I DIDN’T GET ANY EMAIL!

  Rang Steph.

  ‘I don’t believe this,’ I said. ‘Did you see Holly’s post?’

  ‘Yeah,’ she said. ‘What do you think banana shoes means? Like, shaped like a banana? Or made out of actual banana?’

  ‘STEPH. Please focus on the matter in hand. I signed up for that, and I’ve not heard a peep!’

  She laughed. ‘Chill out, Emma. They probably just missed you off by accident.’

  ‘Oh yeah sure, an accident. I can’t believe I finally put myself forward for something at school and I’m getting rejected. Rejected by teachers. Seriously, this really is an all-time low. This is psychologically scarring.’

  Steph paused.

  ‘Maybe you just didn’t make the cut, Emma. I mean, when you’re competing against banana shoes…’

  She is so unhelpful. Anyway, I’ve sent Ms Parker a strongly worded email. Let’s see what she has to say for herself.

  posted by EditingEmma 13.15

  Email from Ms Parker:

  Oh, I thought you were joking. Have added you to the list!

  P.S. Don’t even think about missing the first meeting.

  It’s really no wonder ‘the youth of today’ are all struggling with their self-confidence, is it, when the people supposed to be inspiring and encouraging them show so little faith.

  posted by EditingEmma 14.56

  Friendship Progress

  I have just officially received a message from Gracie. Not in ‘Strengthening our Womanly Bonds,’ but in our private thread.

  Our private thread which has not had a message in it since eight months ago, when I asked her if she’d remembered her ingredients for FT, and she said yes, and I said please can I cut off half your avocados and use them as mine, no one will notice, and she said no.

  So do you want to maybe come over later? 14.44

  I’m still looking at the message sitting there. It feels like a message from an alien. But I’m going to say yes. I really, really hope it goes better than last time.

  posted by EditingEmma 22.16

  A Friendship Reborn

  That was a very, very strange evening. But I think…I think it was good. I think it was really good.

  When I first got there it was much the same as last time. We played board ga
mes and I continued to let her win. We made small talk. I was just starting to despair that we’d ever be properly at ease with each other alone, and wondering if that magical moment of closeness on Bonfire Night was just a one-off that had disappeared into thin air… When suddenly… it was like we sort of…reverted to our twelve-year-old selves.

  We started flipping through some magazines and Gracie said, ‘Do you think I have weak eyebrows?’

  I snorted.

  ‘Why, do some other eyebrows want to take it outside?’

  She pointed at a picture of Cara Delevingne.

  ‘I’ll never look like her. My eyebrows are so wispy,’ she sighed.

  ‘Well…no,’ I said, ‘but it’s not really the eyebrows. It’s more like your other features and hair and skin tone and everything else about you.’

  ‘Draw me some eyebrows!’ she said, all keen.

  So I drew some eyebrows on her. Then she drew some eyebrows on me.

  We looked ridiculous.

  ‘What do you think?’ Gracie asked.

  ‘I think they look like two giant slugs trying to eat the rest of your face.’

  Then we started drawing beauty moles on each other and did our hair all big and ending up taking pictures of ourselves in our underwear, pouting and pretending to be Victoria’s Secret models. As you do. Then we realized we look absolutely nothing like Victoria’s Secret models and so put the whole ugly incident behind us. But until that point it was really, really fun. I’ve not had that kind of pure, unadulterated sort of fun where time disappears and you’re just doing really pointless, silly things in…well…I can’t actually remember.

  It was sort of like we both sensed we needed to go back in time to before we discovered alcohol, before body hang-ups, before boys and hormones and confusing feelings and just be Emma and Gracie. Emma and Gracie before all those things started getting in the way. It was kind of like…I don’t know, like we were redoing our entire friendship from the beginning.

  When I came back in, Mum said, ‘Did you have a good time?’

  ‘I did, actually,’ I said.

  She looked all smug and annoying. So I reminded her of the message from the ‘doctor’ she got all excited about earlier, who turned out in fact to be not a doctor but a self-professed ‘lurve doctor’.

  Anyway, I feel sort of…giddy?! It’s like I’ve made a new friend, even though we’ve technically been friends for years.

  Sunday, 9 November

  posted by EditingEmma 21.14

  Does Being A Good Friend Sometimes Mean Being a Bad Friend?

  So Steph came over this evening… And I lied to her.

  I’ve NEVER lied to Steph. Ever. I mean, there was that time she wore flares and I told her they looked good, when flares categorically cannot look anything but disgusting. But I’ve never properly lied to her.

  We were just lazing around discussing what hairstyle Steph should try next (Steph and her sister are constantly changing their hair – at the moment she’s going natural Afro) when she suddenly said, ‘So, what were you and Gracie being so secretive about the other day?’

  My brain froze. ‘Um…’

  I couldn’t tell her we were only being secretive because we were talking about Gracie’s brother, and Steph is dating Gracie’s brother.

  ‘No we weren’t. When do you mean?’ I said, unconvincingly.

  I really wanted to tell her what we’d actually been saying, but then I remembered my promise to Gracie and her pleading eyes.

  ‘Never mind.’ Steph shrugged.

  Ughhhhh. What do you do when something that means being a good friend to one person, means potentially being a bad friend to another? Obviously I share everything with Steph and I don’t want to keep stuff from her, but this isn’t my thing to share.

  It was hard, but I comforted myself with the fact that earlier on I bought her the best birthday present EVER. I got us tickets to the Women’s Premier League. I mean, I’ll probably have to stick pins in my arm to try to stay awake, but she’ll LOVE it. I can’t wait to see the look on her face when I give them to her.

  posted by EditingEmma 22.04

  The New Friend Plan: Step 2

  Before Steph left, she said, ‘How are your resolutions going, by the way?’

  ‘Ah.’ I tapped my nose. ‘Funny you should mention. Only a few hours ago, I set the wheels of a brand new beautiful and everlasting friendship in motion. Just in time for the new term.’

  All this week, I’d sort of been considering putting the friend mission to one side, seeing how well things are going with Gracie. But then I remembered how exposed I felt without Steph and Faith…just for a few days. A few days. What about when Gracie isn’t available, too? What about when it’s for longer periods of time?! I feel like relying solely on three people probably isn’t that different than two.

  Plus, given that Steph and Faith are both in new relationships, and Gracie’s been making lots of new friends at her Cambridge prep study group, it seems like everyone else has their own stuff going on. And, well, I don’t.

  Now that everyone’s adding more things and more people to their lives, I think I need to as well. Steph, Faith and Gracie are sewn so deeply through the fabric of my life that I don’t even know who I am when I’m not in the context of them. I’m slightly petrified, but I think it’s probably time I try to find out.

  So, for now, I’ve decided put the Anika thing down to pure naivety. A youthful indiscretion, if you will. But now I know… if you want to be friends with someone, maybe don’t start off too intense.

  Which is why it seemed sensible to choose this next person on my list. Hannah Condom. I don’t need to do tons of research to get chatting to Hannah – her surname is all the conversation starter I will ever need! Step two of the New Friend Plan is a go.

  Emma Nash: Hi Hannah, I just wanted to say I’ve never truly appreciated before that your last name is Condom! What lolz. I wish I had a surname like that. And you’ll never forget to use one! X

  That should do it. I bet we’ll be BFFs by the end of the week.

  Monday, 10 November

  posted by EditingEmma 08.32

  Back To School

  Deep joy.

  posted by EditingEmma 13.15

  I Will Never Be Friends With Hannah Condom

  Oh my God. Something horrific has happened. And it’s only my first day back at college. And it’s not even lunchtime. I kid you not, actually horrific.

  I was just getting a drink at the fountain when Steph came over to me.

  ‘Emma,’ she said. ‘Why is it going round school that you’re cyber-bullying Hannah Condom?’

  I spat water all down my top.

  ‘WHAT?!’

  ‘Apparently you made fun of her surname?’

  ‘Oh my God.’ I put my head in my hands. ‘I wasn’t making fun of it. I said I liked it!!’

  Steph smirked. ‘You like the name Condom?’

  ‘Yes!! It’s hilarious!’

  ‘Hilariously awful.’

  ‘It’s whimsical!’

  Steph’s smirk became a grin.

  ‘Oh God. You believe me, don’t you?’ I said desperately. ‘I was being sincere!’

  ‘I believe you,’ she said. ‘Because I know you’re a total weirdo. But I don’t think anyone else will.’

  Just then, I saw a bunch of girls heading my way. Hannah Condom’s friends.

  Oh God.

  They all started whispering in a huddle, then marched over to me.

  ‘Hey, what did you say to Hannah?’ one of them said.

  ‘I…’ I started.

  ‘She’s crying in the loos because of you,’ another said.

  ‘Oh God, I’m so sorry, I…’

  ‘At her last school the boys used to fill her locker up with condoms. They used to blow up condoms and write “Condom Head” on them, and leave them sitting in her chair.’

  ‘I’m so sorry to hear that, I…’

  ‘She doesn’t need that trauma agai
n, OK?’

  ‘It wasn’t meant to be…’

  But they’d started walking off.

  ‘Tell her I’m sorry!’ I yelled at their backs.

  Then I turned to Steph, who was literally suffocating trying to hold her breath in from laughter. Once they’d reached a safe enough distance, she exploded into fits of snorting, raucous guffaws.

  ‘You…total…twat…’ she said, gasping for air.

  I sat on the floor and buried my head in my hands.

  ‘Oh God,’ I repeated. ‘Oh God, oh God, oh God, oh God. Steph, what am I going to do?!’

  ‘Do you…have any…classes with…her?’ she managed.

  ‘No, thank the Lord!’

  ‘Well then…’ Her lungs sounded like they were about to collapse. ‘Just avoid eye contact…for the next year and a half… and you’re golden.’

  Then I stood up, got some water in my hands from the fountain and splashed it on her. The shock seemed to calm her down.

  Anyway, I think I can safely say that I will never be friends with Hannah Condom. I will never even be on remotely friendly terms with Hannah Condom.

  Please can I go home now? Please???

  posted by EditingEmma 19.06

  I’ve Given Up

  Just an official post to declare the friend mission is ABORTED. All day I had to stay well out of Hannah Condom etc.’s orbit. I did really well until after last bell, when I saw Hannah walking down the corridor. I started running in the opposite direction, only to bump into bloody Anika Khatri coming the other way. She gave me a look like I was a real freak and by the time I got past her Hannah had caught up, and she gave me a look like I was a mass murderer.

  That is two out of three girls on the list I’ve not only failed to make friends with, but actually actively pissed off. How am I so terrible at this?! How do I have any friends at all? Was it all a fluke? Or was I just better at speaking to people, age eleven? Is that it now? Is all my friend-making done forever??! Oh my God. This is AWFUL.

  Seriously though?? What happens when Faith goes backpacking? When Gracie gets a swanky job in New York? When Steph starts procreating with Andy? WHO WILL I TALK TO?!