by Chloe Seager
‘I… What?!’
‘He really enjoys a good, square jaw. Do you want to see his picture?’
She was already getting out her phone. She shoved it in my face proudly.
‘There,’ she declared. ‘What do you say to that, eh?’
There, staring up at me, was a boy wearing a leather Matrix coat.
Forget every other physical description I could give him. In the face of this, they are not worth mentioning. I repeat: A LEATHER. MATRIX. COAT.
Holly was clearly waiting for me to respond.
‘Um…he has a very square jaw too.’
‘I’ll tell him you said so,’ she said and winked.
Dear Lord.
Evidence: Even when you insist you’re fine on your own, there will always be someone in the world who wants to push their strange friend on you.
posted by EditingEmma 19.08
Cat Watch
I regret to say that, despite posting pictures of cats pretty solidly since Sunday night, there has been absolutely nothing from Kayleigh on the feline front. Even when I posted a video of a cat climbing into a sock, which was categorically ADORABLE. What’s wrong with her??? Is she made of stone?!?!
I’m wondering if maybe she hasn’t seen all my posts…Although I don’t know how that’s possible, because everyone else in the world definitely has. Earlier Gracie asked me if someone had hacked my account, and Faith threatened to choke me to death on kibble.
Still, I suppose it’s not been that long. Onwards I go.
Tuesday, 18 November
posted by EditingEmma 08.44
Don’t Lend People Your Things. Ever.
‘Oh, Emma,’ said Steph, ‘I forgot. Here are your gloves.’
She started getting them out of her bag.
‘Oh, thanks,’ I said, reaching for them.
‘But, um…you might want to wash them.’
I paused. ‘Why?’ I said, slowly.
‘Errrr…’
‘Why, Steph?’
‘Errr…’
‘WHAT DID YOU DO TO MY GLOVES?!’
‘Just trust me.’ She nodded.
‘On the contrary,’ I said, ‘I don’t think I’ll ever trust you, ever again.’
Now my hands are freezing because my lovely, warm, knitted blue-and-pink gloves with little roses sewn round the wrist, instead of being on my hands keeping them snug and toasty, are sitting at the bottom of my satchel, wrapped in a freezer bag like part of a crime scene.
Gracie asked why I wasn’t wearing my gloves and I foolishly told her. Now she’s more convinced than ever that Steph’s no longer a virgin.
‘I told you,’ she said.
‘Gracie, you only get to say I told you when the thing you told me has actually been proven.’
‘And it has been.’
‘It’s not like she gave me back the gloves with a used condom inside.’
‘Ew.’
‘Unless you’re suggesting the glove itself was the condom, because I don’t think that would be particularly comfortable.’
‘Ew, no. Look, all I’m saying is they’re getting saucy.’
‘Well, yes, but…’
‘I mean, what is it that you think they did with the glove?’
‘Given that these gloves were knitted for me by my now-dead grandmother, I’d really, really rather not think about it.’
posted by EditingEmma 15.25
I was passing Charlie in the hallway earlier, and he said, ‘Hey, have you seen how many people are coming now? It’s gonna be epic.’
I nodded curtly.
When we’d passed him, Steph said, ‘Have you lost the ability to speak?’
‘Huh?’ I asked.
‘Why did you just completely ignore that boy?’
‘He’s friends with You Know Who,’ I said.
‘Ah.’ Steph frowned.
I’m doing SUCH a good job with my pretending-Leon-doesn’t-exist resolution.
Wednesday, 19 November
posted by EditingEmma 11.19
I Am Never Coming Into School Again
Something so horrifically embarrassing has happened to me. Oh God. I might die of shame. Can a person die of shame?? Because I think if a person could, it would be me.
I’m still so embarrassed I can barely bring myself to write it down, but blogging is therapeutic…so here we go.
Mr Allen handed me back my essay. He looked really red and didn’t make eye contact. I was just wondering whether I’d accidentally doodled ‘I <3 Mr Allen’ on it, or something, when Faith leant over.
‘Emma, what’s that?’
‘What?’
‘On the back of your essay.’
I turned it over.
Oh no. Oh. NO. Oh no.
Noooooooooo.
SO MUCH WORSE THAN A DOODLE.
So the other day after Mum said the printer was ‘having a meltdown’ (which definitely means she was just using it wrong) and she accidentally printed off loads of photos on our computer. She started screaming about ‘paper waste’ as if she was personally responsible for destroying the entire Amazon rainforest. So I told her to turn round the paper and put it back in the printer… And then, I forgot…
Some of the photos were… Oh God.
The pictures me and Gracie took of ourselves, the other day… When we were pretending to be Victoria’s Secret models…
Oh God.
You can probably put two and two together.
WHY DIDN’T I DELETE THEM?!?!?!?!? WHY????
I WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO LOOK MR ALLEN IN THE EYE AGAIN.
‘What did you get, incidentally?’ asked Faith.
‘B plus.’ I pondered. ‘Do you think he was grading my body?! Because if he was, that’s disgusting.’
‘Uh, no.’ Faith shook her head. ‘I think Mr Allen is a nice person who doesn’t think about his students in a sexual way or judge other human beings based on their appearance, and you’ve terrified the living daylights out of him. Plus, you’re definitely an A, baby.’
I paused. ‘Thanks. I think.’
Afterwards I showed them to Steph. I thought she’d laugh and make me feel better, but all she said was, ‘Oh? When did you take these?’ Her voice sounded all crisp.
‘Err… a few days ago?’
She nodded and didn’t say anything else, so I put my phone away. I shouldn’t have shown her… I mean, she’s in her first proper relationship, maybe losing her virginity and not telling me about it, and I’m messing around with Gracie like a twelve-year-old. She’s probably starting to notice what a chronically underdeveloped human being I am.
posted by EditingEmma 14.39
At Least SOMEONE Finds It Funny
I was just hiding in the design room doing an extra session, because I couldn’t face bumping into Mr Allen in the dining hall, when Charlie came in.
‘Hey, what was up with you in English?’ he asked.
I hadn’t even noticed he was in my English class. Huh.
Anyway, lying about it seemed futile at this point, so I told him.
He looked stunned for a moment. ‘Oh. My. God,’ he said.
For a while he didn’t say anything else, then he started having a massive coughing fit.
‘Are you all right?’ I asked.
After a minute or two, I realized the coughing was his way of trying to cover up a HUGE laughing fit.
‘I’m sorry, I’m sorry…’ he spluttered.
‘No, it’s fine,’ I said, totally relieved. And then I started laughing too.
The laughing was actually what I wanted. To be honest, it’s kind of the reaction I was expecting from Steph…
It made me feel better, until his laugh started reminding me of ****’s laugh. Which is when I abruptly stopped laughing, put my head down and carried on working.
posted by EditingEmma 18.08
I Won’t Give Up That Easily
I was walking home, wondering whether to send Steph this really funny picture of some monkeys
on a moped or whether she’d react the same way she did earlier. I opted to keep it to myself. Then I thought about how it’s now officially been three whole days and I’ve not had so much as a cursory like from Kayleigh. I wonder how mature she is? She did post that picture of her cat dressed up as a horse, so it seems like we might be on the same wavelength.
I was still thinking about it, a bit at a loss for what to do next, when I noticed our neighbour’s cat, Pudding, sitting on a wall. Suddenly I had a brainwave.
Now, how does one abduct a cat?
Not abduct. Borrow. How does one borrow a cat?
posted by EditingEmma 18.35
Cat-Snatching
Right. I’ve been rooting through the cupboards and found an old can of tuna. Cats like fish, right? So my plan is to wave the tuna in front of its face and lead it into the house. Easy. Then I just need to borrow the cat long enough to take some adorable photos with it. How hard can that be? Not very. Tuna, in, snap, snap, out.
I can see Pudding is still on the wall. She must be hungry by now. And I’m quite convinced I see loneliness in her eyes… She’d probably love a cuddle. If you think about it, I’m actually being very charitable. Maybe I should forget all this fashion stuff and consider working at a pet spa. It may well be my true calling.
posted by EditingEmma 19.19
Cat-Scratching
Oh my God. I thought cats were supposed to be nice. I thought they were supposed to be family pets.
Why does anyone go near those things?!?!?!
I went outside and found Pudding sitting in its usual place on the wall. I approached it and it eyed me suspiciously. Then I got out the tuna and waved it under its nose.
‘Heeere Pudding Pudding Pudding,’ I called. ‘You like fish, don’t you? Mmmmm.’
Pudding glanced at the tuna, then looked away and yawned. Seriously. It YAWNED.
What are they feeding this cat? Caviar?
I thought, maybe if I just go in for a selfie here? So I did. But the resulting selfie was of me leaning next to a totally disinterested, random cat on a wall. It wasn’t even looking in the right direction.
‘Can’t you look at the camera?’ I asked it.
It carried on looking into the mid-distance.
I stood dithering for a little while until I just thought, sod it… Now, what happened next was not my finest moment…
I grabbed the cat.
OK, it was rash, but I was panicking!!! All I wanted was a cute picture! Aren’t cats cute and cuddly?!?! Isn’t that their WHOLE DEAL?!
No. Apparently, it is not.
Pudding started wriggling and clawing and making HORRIBLE noises. I mean, really, truly awful noises. Like I was Cat-Satan dragging it to the depths of fiery Kitty-Hell. I managed to get it into the living room, where it started leaping around the furniture like a totally berserk thing.
‘Stay still! Pudding! Sit!’ I was yelling. But it kept bouncing around, knocking stuff on the floor.
After a minute or two, I realized this would be my only photo op, so I started chasing Pudding around trying to get in the shot. Which was obviously impossible. I got a few of me with its rear end as it leapt around, but that was about it.
Eventually I let Pudding out and it rushed down the path. JUST as Pudding’s owners were arriving back next door.
I stood in the doorway, facing Mr and Mrs Pudding and Baby Pudding, who were all looking at me totally aghast.
‘What’s going on?’ Mrs Pudding broke the silence.
‘Er, Pudding seemed to find its way into our house and er, I was just letting it out,’ I said weakly.
They all carried on staring at me. I pulled my shirt up to hide the scratches.
‘Her name is Anastasia,’ said Baby Pudding forcefully.
Seriously? Where did I get Pudding from?
‘Oh, right, yes, of course, sorry. Bye, Anastasia!!’ I said in my cutest voice, and shut the door. Good riddance, devil cat.
Now I’m completely covered in deep, red marks, I smell like tuna and all I’ve got to show for it is one picture of me and a cat’s bottom.
Still, better than no picture. I guess it will have to do.
posted by EditingEmma 19.31
Picture posted. My caption is: ‘Me and Pudding love chasing each other round!!! #lazyevenings #catlovers’ with lots of hearts and cat emojis. I’ve also liked loads of Kayleigh’s cat pictures.
Faith already commented, ‘All right, come on now. WHO is Pudding?’ but I deleted it.
Anyway, still nothing. Nada. Squat. Come on Kayleigh. Take the bait!! The cute, furry, EVIL Satanic monster bait!!!!
Thursday, 20 November
posted by EditingEmma 08.11
GloveGate
Mum just came into the kitchen.
‘I’m off, see you this evening!’ she said, waving.
And then I spotted them.
THE GLOVES.
Oh God. I’d left them out on the side in the hallway, to remind me to put them in the wash, and she must have picked them up!!
‘Mum,’ I said, panic rising. ‘Why are you wearing my gloves?’
‘Oh yeah, sorry, I’ve lost mine and I’ve got a lot of walking to do today. It’s freezing. You don’t mind, do you?’
‘Errrr. Well, yes. Yes, actually I do. Please can I have them back?’
She frowned. ‘Are you serious, Emma?’
‘Yes, Mum, it’s very important that I…’
‘I know you’re an only child, Emma, but really, I thought I raised you better than that. At least try and open your mind to the concept of sharing.’
Then she walked quickly out of the house.
OWCH.
‘Fine, walk around in Steph’s sex-germy gloves all day, see if I care!’ I called out to the empty hallway.
I can’t believe my mum is out there walking around in those gloves. Shudder. Another thing for the avoid-thinking-about-it pile, methinks. Like my aggressive, unrelenting horniness.
posted by EditingEmma 11.25
New Friends Update
Unbelievably, there is STILL nothing from Kayleigh. Should I go cruising for some other cats on my street this evening?? Get a whole litter of them in? Take a picture with so many cats covering me that you can just see my head peeking out?? Dress as a giant cat and start bringing her dead mice??!
WHAT WILL IT TAKE??!
posted by EditingEmma 13.19
Friend Fail: Take Three
I was just in the toilet when I heard a familiar voice from outside.
Maths Champion Kayleigh aka Cat Queen aka My New Best Friend.
I thought, This is my opportunity.
I rushed out of the loo and washed my hands. She was standing by the dryers, talking to another girl. I moved over to them.
‘Sorry,’ I said. ‘Just got to dry my hands.’
She smiled quickly at me and then carried on talking. I listened to their conversation for a moment, praying there was some way I could shoehorn cats into it.
‘So then my dad grounded me, it was so unfair…’
At least you got to stay in with your cat?
‘I know, you didn’t even get to wear your new dress…’
Could I say I design cat dresses?
‘What’s for lunch today?’
‘I think it’s turkey.’
TURKEY! YES!
‘My cat loves turkey,’ I said, turning to Kayleigh.
She looked briefly puzzled. ‘Oh right, yeah, mine too,’ she said. For a minute I thought she looked kind of…sad? But I ploughed on anyway.
‘Wanna see her?’ I asked. ‘She’s so adorable.’
Then I got out my phone. Kayleigh and her friend leaned in.
‘She looks kind of…afraid?’ said her friend. ‘Is she all right?’
‘Oh, she’s fine.’ I fake laughed. ‘It’s just a game we play…’
Then, suddenly, Kayleigh started squeaking. At first I thought she was cooing over the cat. I was all pleased with myself and started play
ing my inner triumph trumpet, when I realized she was actually crying.
I stood rooted to the spot in utter terror.
‘I’m sorry,’ she blubbered. ‘It’s…it’s…’
Kayleigh’s friend put her arms round her shoulders, and then nuzzled into her neck.
‘I’m sorry, Kay,’ she said.
Then Kayleigh started wailing. I mean really WAILING.
Kayleigh’s friend turned to me. ‘Her cat died,’ she half-whispered. ‘Two weeks ago. Tragic bus accident.’
Oh. My. God.
You. Are. Friggin’. Kidding. Me.
It all clicked into place. Of COURSE she hadn’t liked any of my cat pictures… She hadn’t been posting anything about cats recently either. Oh my God.
Kayleigh’s wails got louder.
‘Oh my,’ I started. ‘Oh dear. I’m so sorry. I…um…I don’t know what to say. Maybe I’ll just leave you to…’
Then Kayleigh flung her arms around me. She drew me into the hug and started sobbing on my chest. I was so close I could smell her shampoo. My face was sort of pressed against her friend’s face on the other side, and we both tried not to make direct eye contact.
‘Thank you,’ she said.‘Thank you for getting it. Not…’ She choked a little. ‘Not that many people get what it’s like to lose a pet you really love. I mean really get it.’
‘I…um. Yeah. I get it,’ I said.
Not technically a lie. I had a fish once. I think it’s name was Jimmy. Or was it Timmy?
‘I just can’t imagine it getting better,’ cried Kayleigh.
‘I know, I know,’ soothed her friend, and looked at me, as if urging me to say something comforting as well.
‘I, uh, can’t imagine how much it hurts,’ I added. I was INCREDIBLY uncomfortable at this point, and all my words were coming out very wooden and stilted.
Then Steph walked into the toilets. At first she barely took any notice of the huddle and went to wash her hands. Then, when she glanced in the mirror and noticed I was part of it, she did an actual double take. She turned round and gaped at me.
‘HELP,’ I mouthed silently over the top of their heads. But she just shrugged at me and carried on gawping. Good to know I can always count on her in a time of crisis. We all stood there for another thirty horrendously awkward seconds.