by Chloe Seager
‘Oh, look at me.’ Kayleigh eventually let go.‘Pulling myself together now. Pulling myself together.’ She slapped her own cheek a couple of times. ‘I’m really sorry.’
‘It’s OK,’ I said.
‘Sorry to put a downer on things. She’s really cute.’
She pointed at the fraudulent cat picture on my phone. I started to feel very, very guilty.
‘Er, thanks,’ I said, looking at Steph. ‘Is that the time? Oh God, Steph and I said we’d meet a friend, didn’t we, so…’
And then, THEN is when Steph decided to find her voice.
‘Whose cat is that?’ she asked and leaned in.
My heart plummeted. I felt it slipping down, down, down into my shoes.
‘Mine, Steph,’ I said in desperation.
‘Cat?!’ she snorted. ‘You don’t have a cat.’
And that was that. It was done. No going back. Kayleigh and her friend both looked at me, and I knew they could see the truth in my eyes.
Kayleigh gasped. Actually gasped. They both stared at me for a couple more seconds. Then her friend threw her arm back around her.
‘Come on, Kay,’ she said.
And they hurried out. Kayleigh was still looking at me like I’d killed her cat myself.
AGGGHHhhhhghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh-hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
‘Um, what just happened?’ asked Steph.
I sighed. It’s official. Game over.
I WILL NEVER HAVE NEW FRIENDS.
On the bright side, at least I got closer with her than the others. I was right about her. She is a very warm person.
On the downside, she now thinks I am a very cold, strange, sick and twisted person.
I don’t believe that in attempting to find friendship, I have made two girls cry.
ACTUAL CRY.
posted by EditingEmma 16.29
Friend Fail: Take Four
Now I think it’s my turn to cry. On top of failing to make new friends, I’m now failing to maintain my old ones. At lunch, Steph went running after some girl on her football team to tell her practice was cancelled. Gracie said, ‘See. A non-virgin run.’
I don’t know if it was the Kayleigh Spencer thing that had got me all worked up and upset, but I reacted badly. ‘OH MY GOD,’ I yelled, lunging for Steph’s phone, sticking out of her blazer pocket. ‘That’s it! YOU ARE DRIVING ME UP THE WALL.’ I put in her passcode and opened up her message thread with Andy.
‘I’ll show you,’ I said.
‘Ew, no!’ said Gracie, biting her lip. ‘I don’t want to see their saucy messages!’
‘Emma,’ interjected Faith. ‘What are you doing? Put it back.’
But I was a woman possessed. I scrolled further and further (unfortunately discovering that they call each other ‘chicken’ – does everyone’s head instantly turn to mush when they fall in love?) and then found what I was looking for.
‘AHA!’ I declared. ‘Look, they’re talking about how far they’ve been with other people, and neither of them have had sex. This is only from three days ago.’
‘Emma?’ I heard Steph’s voice from above me. ‘What are you doing?’
I looked up. She was standing over me.
‘Oh, I just had to prove something to Gracie.’
She took her phone out of my hands. ‘Were you reading my messages?’
She sounded really annoyed. I could feel my neck turning red.
‘Um, only to prove a point.’
‘What point?’
She stared me down. I felt like a rabbit caught in headlights.
‘We steal each other’s phones all the time,’ I said, genuinely confused. ‘Remember last term when you made me a fake dating profile?’
She shook her head. ‘I said sorry for that. And that was different, it was a joke. I mean, these are my private messages.’
‘OK…It’s not like I don’t already know EVERYTHING about you,’ I countered. ‘One time I saw you coming out of the bathroom naked doing a fart. You don’t get to know someone much better than that.’
She didn’t even smile. Really? Not even for the naked fart story?
‘Yeah, but what I say in private to my boyfriend is…personal.’
‘So-rry,’ I said.
And I was! I was actually sorry. But I also felt kind of hurt, even though technically I was the one in the wrong, and everything I was saying was coming out all sarcastic.
‘Look, I know stalking people is your thing—’ (OWCH) ‘—but I feel like maybe you’re normalizing it a bit too much. Everyone’s got to have some boundaries.’
I opened my mouth, genuinely taken aback. ‘I said I’m sorry!’ I yelped.
‘OK, well, I’ll just change my passcode and we can forget it.’
CHANGE HER PASSCODE?! Is she serious?! What the hell is she talking about? I felt a stab of betrayal. Even though it is her phone.
I sat quietly for the rest of the day with tears prickling my eyes. That was horrible. I’ve never had a disagreement with Steph before. I didn’t mean to get so defensive… I was just upset that she minded me going through her messages. Which is obviously stupid because they’re her messages. But…she’s never had ‘boundaries’ with me before!! What are these ‘boundaries’?!?! And how do I make them go away?!
posted by EditingEmma 20.58
Assessing the Day
I’ve had a chance to calm down now, and reflect on what has been a pretty catastrophic day. I am, and imagine always will be, completely MORTIFIED by what happened with Kayleigh. That’s it now. I’m out of options. I don’t have the energy to make a new list… The friend mission really is drawn to a close this time.
I still feel upset about the thing with Steph earlier, but I know it was my fault. I keep thinking about what Mum said, about how sometimes being a good friend doesn’t mean clinging on too tightly. Clearly, I’m not doing a good enough job of giving Steph space. I must give her even more space than I already am.
As it seems I’m genuinely incapable of making other friends I’m going to really, really try to be a good friend to the ones I’ve got, and if space is what she wants then, even though it makes me sad, space she will have.
Friday, 21 November
posted by EditingEmma 17.08
Friday’s Events
1) Did A Lot of Hiding
Faith sat down at lunch.
‘Emma, I just heard Kayleigh Spencer and her friends talking about you and something about calling the RSPCA. Please stop making enemies all over school. It’s making it hard for me to walk the halls.’
Then Kayleigh Spencer walked past to get a tray and we both ducked.
2) Became Crazy Holly’s New Purpose In Life
Every time I saw her, she would waggle a picture of Matrix Coat Boy at me across the room and raise her eyebrows up and down faster than I thought humanly possible. Damn, those coats are really shiny. Even on a teeny, tiny phone screen, I could see it glinting at me from thirty metres away.
3) Wished Everyone Would Shut Up About Battle of the Bands
Well, not everyone. Namely, Gracie. She’s acting like it’s a proper party, not just some lame school thing.
‘And I thought I’d curl my hair, even though it takes AGES. Do you think I should use the straighteners or—’
‘Gracie,’ I interrupted, ‘You know there aren’t going to be hordes of new, fit, talented musician boys attending, don’t you? You know that it’s probably just going to be Willie Thomas playing a trumpet?’
Gracie sniffed. ‘You never know.’
‘But I do know. I do. You know where your hopes are, right now? Yeah, well, lower them, keep lowering them until they hit the floor and then sink them way, way below ground, and then you’re probably about the right level.’
‘Bands outside of our school can enter, you know. And lots of people might bring their friends!’
I decided it was best to just smile and nod.
4) Discovered My Mother Has Hidden Powers
>
I got home to the smell of burning.
‘Mum?’ I called out.
No reply.
‘Mum?’ I called again.
I walked into the living room, getting a bit worried by this point that Mum was lying in the kitchen passed out from fumes, when I saw it. A charred, blackened picture of Mum’s stripper ex-boyfriend Olly, in a Speedo and a sailor hat. It was lying in a smoking bucket in the middle of the room.
I stood staring at it for a bit, when Mum finally appeared carrying a white rose and a tangerine. Covered in glitter.
‘Mum?’ I asked.
‘Yes?’
‘…What are you DOING?’
She ignored me and carried on towards the bucket, putting the tangerine down beside it.
‘Mum? Hello? Earth to Mum?’
She sighed.
‘It’s a spell to get over Olly. Heather told me about it.’
I blinked.
‘Don’t look at me like that, Emma. It’s not like I actually believe in magic.’
‘Oh, right, sorry. The spell-casting threw me off a bit.’
‘I thought it might help.’
‘HOW?’
‘Well, I thought it might be cathartic.’
‘And was it?’
‘Well… I was distracted. I used a satsuma instead of an orange and I kept wondering if that would make a difference. Then the smoke alarm went off.’
‘Mm-hmm,’ I said.
‘Oh just go upstairs,’ she snapped.
‘What about the pumpkin carver?’ I asked. ‘I thought you were dating him now?’
She went a bit red.
‘I am. Which is why it is especially imperative I banish any last thoughts of Olly from my mind.’
I nodded. I knew how she felt.
‘Can I ask one more thing?’
‘What?’
‘Did you have to use that photo? I mean, let me rephrase, did you have to SCAR ME FOR LIFE by using that particular photo?’
‘We didn’t take any pictures together, OK. We’re not like you lot with your constant click click click selfies. His advert is all I have.’ She stroked his photo-nipple as I retreated.
As I left the room I heard her chanting under her breath, ‘A hex on my ex! A hex on my ex!’
Dear God.
posted by EditingEmma 21.37
The Thing I Did Today That Was Really Bad
There may have been something I left out of the day’s events because I was embarrassed. And then I realized that’s stupid… because what’s the point of having a blog if you’re not going to be totally, uncomfortably honest? (And also, if the only person allowed to read it is yourself.)
It was after school in the design room. Most people don’t stay late on Fridays, but I’d stayed to finish off a couple of last-minute bits on a sleeve (leather band across the upper arm). When I went to get my coat I noticed another coat hanging next to mine. But not just any coat.
He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named’s coat.
He must have been in here at lunch, doing set stuff, and left it. (He’s always forgetting his coat. It’s completely endearing.) It looked so familiar and yet so weirdly like something from another lifetime. Just sitting there. Being Leon’s coat, the same as ever. Existing and carrying on in the same, coat-like way through all of our human drama. And that’s when I did the bad thing.
I leaned in to smell it.
And I stayed there. Smelling it.
And it smelt of his shampoo and custard creams and Chewits all wrapped up in bubbles somehow. I don’t know why his smell reminds me of bubbles, I’m not even sure if bubbles smell of anything. But that’s what he smells like to me. It doesn’t sound like a particularly good smell, but it’s amazing. And as I was breathing it in, everything I’d ever felt for him and all our memories seemed contained in that one moment. (Smell is weirdly powerful.)
And then I heard the door opening and jumped away in terror and the coat’s owner was there, standing in the doorway. I didn’t look at his face in case he could see what I’d just been doing in my eyes. I don’t think he saw. Please please please please please please please please say he didn’t see. I scuttled past him and when I got outside I started running.
Please please please PLEASE say he didn’t see!!!!
I feel so dirty and ashamed. I can’t believe it. I really, really thought I was better than that, now. One second of weakness and I feel like I’ve stepped about six months backwards.
How is that possible?!?!
I wanted to message Steph about it, but managed to content myself by having an imaginary conversation with her instead, so at least that’s something.
Saturday, 22 November
posted by EditingEmma 12.39
The ‘Big Night’ has Arrived
Usually Steph would come get ready with me for BOB but, continuing in the name of giving her more space, I’ve left her to it. She’s probably getting ready with Andy, so I’ll go with Gracie.
I’m staying at Steph’s after in preparation for her traditional birthday sleepover/family lunch tomorrow, so I’ll see her then. In all honesty, I’m looking forward to that more than the event. It’s funny…everyone’s been going on about this for weeks, and now it’s here I’m just sort of not in the mood for it. I think (AGH) it must be old feelings suddenly crashing back in for Leon. I just can’t wrap my head around it… I genuinely thought I was getting on my way to being over it. Now I feel like what I imagine it must be like to build a house, and then suddenly realize it was actually a tent after a strong gust of wind. Is it really true that being reminded of his smell can send me hurtling way back from the finish line? Or have I been lying to myself this whole time? Was I never really getting over it at all?
Steph will know the answers. I can’t wait for it just to be the two of us. I have so much I want to talk to her about. And I feel a little jump in my stomach every time I look at the football tickets I bought her. She’s going to love them. I’m so excited to see her face when she opens them.
In the meantime, I’ll just focus on making my new dress to wear tonight. I was seriously considering staying home for BOB and heading straight to hers, but then I remembered Faith’s bringing Claudia with her and is really excited/nervous about us meeting her, and I’m really trying to be a good friend.
Everything will be fine if I just keep cutting, sewing, hemming. Cutting, sewing, hemming… Ahhyeahhh. I’ma look so goooood.
posted by EditingEmma 16.02
Hmmm. Posted a picture of the new dress (which I LOVE) but it hasn’t really got as much attention as I thought it would… I mean…some people have liked it. But not like with some other stuff I’ve made. I usually get way more than that.
Are people just not on social media? Getting ready for Battle of the Bands, maybe?
Hmm. Maybe I’ll wear my jeans tonight, instead…
posted by EditingEmma 16.59
My Mother Has Instagram
Was just about to leave when I got stopped in my tracks.
I refreshed my phone for notifications and saw a terrible, some might say shocking, sight.
Mum had liked the picture of my dress.
‘Mum!’ I called out. ‘MUM!’
‘What is it?’ she called out, emerging from a cloud of smoke in the kitchen. (Cooking gone wrong or another spell? I didn’t dare ask.)
‘Since when do you have INSTAGRAM?’
‘Since today. Graham showed me how to do it.’
I gaped at her. Unbelievable.
‘He uses it to sell his art. The other day someone followed him and then bought twelve of his aubergine penguins.’
‘That’s…’
‘And two of the broccoli giraffes, I think.’
‘Mum,’ I said. ‘If you insist on this, could you and your… aubergine penguins…please stay away from me. I mean it. No comments. No likes. No interaction.’
‘Oh come on, they’re good! Look!’ She shoved the picture of the aforementioned penguins in my face
. They were actually weirdly impressive, but that’s so not the point.
‘I mean it,’ I warned.
‘All right, all right, she said. ‘But I don’t know what you’re getting so sensitive about. You could use the boost.’
I looked at the amount of likes on my dress. She’s right, damnit. Oh God, how pathetic is it that the only person liking my picture is my parent?!
posted by EditingEmma 18.01
At Battle of the Bands
Ugh. I can’t believe I’m EARLY for an event that I didn’t even want to attend that much in the first place. Gracie knocked on my door an HOUR before she was supposed to, and judging by her walking speed you’d think the school was handing out a million pounds to the first person through the door.
‘Gracie, can we slow down,’ I said, already out of breath.
‘I want to get the best scoping spot,’ she said.
‘Scoping spot?!’
‘Well, I don’t want to miss any new potentials.’
Seriously?
‘Seriously?’
‘All right, Ms Judgey Face, just because you’ve decided to go it alone… Some of us are still on the lookout,’ she said.
‘Apparently, quite literally on the lookout,’ I said.
And now, we are sitting in the two chairs positioned opposite the door, and to the side a bit. We actually moved the chairs several times before Gracie deemed them to be adequately placed. Apparently directly opposite the door is ‘too obvious’, whereas opposite but a metre across is ‘just the right amount of obvious’.
In all honesty her logic has completely gone over my head, but I’m not going to argue because we’re right by the snacks table.
posted by EditingEmma 18.26
Staring at the Door
Not a single person has walked through it yet. We are literally the only two people in the hall. Even the people who set up the band area left to go out and come back again.
On the plus side, we did get first dibs on all the mini-dough-nuts.
posted by EditingEmma 18.50
YES! A PERSON CAME THROUGH THE DOOR! And it was…
Willie Thomas.