Friendship Fails of Emma Nash

by Chloe Seager

  Who knew there were so many horrible ways to treat people?!

  Well. Leon, clearly.

  I really do think Anna’s got it wrong, though. I think I’m the one being ‘benched’, here. Or are we both being benched?! Just swopping in and out of an endless benching cycle?!?!

  Yeah, well, not any more. I refuse to think about this ridiculous situation for even another SECOND. Whether I still have feelings for him or not, I’m sick of being picked up and dropped by him, too.

  I really want to talk to Steph about this.

  posted by EditingEmma 19.18

  I stayed after school for an extra designing session, finishing off a blue shirt, then came home and posted it. Four likes in thirty seconds.

  I should probably put my phone away now…

  Or. You know. I could just sit here and watch the likes as they come in. Yup. I’ve probably achieved enough for today anyhow.

  As it turns out, not being distracted by constant Snapchats from Steph means I’m actually getting lots of stuff done. I bet having a fight with her best mate is how Coco Chanel got started.

  Friday, 28 November

  posted by EditingEmma 13.25

  Was doing a lunchtime designing session when I heard someone come in and pull up a chair beside me. For a brief, magical moment I thought it might be Steph.

  It wasn’t. It was Charlie.

  ‘Hey,’ he said.

  ‘Oh, hey,’ I replied.

  ‘Wow, my face doesn’t usually elicit such disappointment,’ he joked, putting his hands under his chin and putting on a big smile. ‘What’s wrong?’

  ‘Oh, nothing.’ I smiled back weakly.

  ‘Same thing that was bothering you at Battle of the Bands?’ he asked, pulling up a chair.

  I was quite taken aback. I don’t even remember seeing him there.

  ‘Oh, um, no. I’m fine,’ I said.

  ‘Sure you are.’ He raised an eyebrow, but at least he dropped it then.

  posted by EditingEmma 20.05

  The Weirdness Of Surname Changing

  At Faith’s sister’s engagement party. It’s actually quite fun. Faith and I are just sitting at the end of the table, talking crap and sneaking gulps of champagne when her parents aren’t looking.

  We were just about to start on mains, when Faith’s mum said we should raise a glass to ‘the future Mrs Simon Wind’.

  ‘Oh, are you taking Simon’s name then?’ I asked Hope.

  And her and Lilian laughed like I’d said something hysterically funny.

  ‘Of course I am,’ said Hope.

  ‘Why? Wouldn’t you?’ asked Lilian.

  ‘Er, I suppose it depends on the name,’ I said.

  Then they both burst out laughing again. I felt like Mr Bean; apparently hilarious to others but always a bit confused as to why. Faith glanced sideways at me, smiling and shaking her head.

  ‘I enjoy watching you interact with my family,’ she whispered.

  ‘Seriously though, Wind?’ I whispered back. ‘Why would she trade Connelly for a name that sounds like a fart?’

  Faith snorted. ‘I agree,’ she said.

  ‘Hope Wind,’ I said, shaking my head.

  ‘So it depends on the name for you, huh?’

  I nodded. ‘If I ever got married. IF.’

  ‘But IF you did?’

  ‘Yeah, it’s not that I’d never take anyone’s name. I just don’t think it should be assumed that I would.’

  ‘What do you mean?’

  ‘Like, the way it is now sort of implies the husband owns the wife, doesn’t it? But it wouldn’t if all couples considered all options and just decided what they prefer. Like…double-barrelled, or either changing to whatever sounds best, or like… not changing at all and keeping their own names.’

  ‘What if you’d been marrying Leon?’ Faith asked.

  I wrinkled my nose.

  ‘Emma Naylor. Sounds so dull. Leon Nash is much better. But if I was marrying Leonardo DiCaprio…’

  ‘Emma DiCaprio does have a certain ring.’ Faith nodded.

  ‘It’s quite nice that, if you ever get married, your names won’t be caught up in all this. There’s no default “ownership” setting for you guys,’ I said.

  ‘That’s true,’ said Faith.

  ‘What’s Claudia’s surname again?’

  ‘Diaz.’

  ‘UH! INCREDIBLE! Faith Diaz. Amazing. If that does ever happen, you should take hers.’

  Faith smiled.

  Emma Nash @Em_Nasher

  Question: would you change your surname? Thoughts?

  Gracie Morton @GracieMorton1

  Yeah I think I would

  Holly Barnet @HoHoHo

  @Em_Nasher Only if the FBI finally caught up with me

  posted by EditingEmma 21.38

  Dancing Has Begun

  In the loos hiding because I’d really rather not be involved in a middle-aged conga line. What is it about ABBA that has this universal effect of making all adults above the age of fifty go completely bonkers? I mean, I like ABBA as much as the next person. I too am a dancing queen, when I get the chance. But seriously, they all get so excited. Maybe it’s something in the sound that only middle-aged people can hear which gives them this biological urge to jiggle themselves around? Sort of like how only dogs can hear really high-pitched noises?

  I was just watching Faith’s Uncle Phil bumping his hip maniacally against Faith’s Aunt Carol, when Faith raised her voice over the music.

  ‘So, now that we’re drunk enough, I have two uncomfortable questions to ask you,’ she said.

  ‘All right…’ I sneaked a sip of champagne in preparation.

  ‘One, how are you feeling about Leon and Anna breaking up? Again?’

  I shrugged. ‘Not all that much.’

  ‘Really?’ She raised her eyebrows.

  ‘Really,’ I said. ‘It’s so boring. I’m bored of it.’

  ‘Good.’ Faith nodded.

  ‘And Anna said something about not being…’

  ‘Woah, WOAH!’ Faith sloshed her champagne glass about. ‘Hold the phone. You spoke to Anna?’

  ‘Er, yes.’

  ‘About her break-up with Leon?’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘OK… Interesting. Continue.’

  ‘Well, she said this thing about not being benched by him and I really agreed.’

  ‘What on earth is benching?!’

  ‘Um, like when you like someone, but you’re not totally sure, so you keep them hanging around and don’t really make a decision about it.’

  ‘OH!’ Faith yelled. ‘I get it. Like Greg?’

  I winced. ‘I did really like Greg. But…yes. Accidentally, I suppose.’

  Faith shrugged. ‘Don’t beat yourself up. You made a mistake. You’re sorry. You won’t do it again. Next question…WHAT is going on with you and Steph?’

  I downed the rest of my champagne in one.

  ‘Um…nothing.’

  ‘Really?’ Faith raised her eyebrows again. ‘I accepted the I’m-totally-fine-about-Leon-and-Anna, Emma…but really…’

  ‘I AM totally fine about Leon and Anna!!!’

  Faith sighed. ‘Look. Me and Gracie didn’t want to ask, because we don’t want to get involved, but it’s getting ridiculous now. Don’t you think you should talk to her?’

  ‘I tried.’

  Faith’s eyebrows practically lifted off her forehead.

  ‘Oh yeah? You tried to talk about a problem instead of ignoring it and hoping it would go away?’

  ‘Hey!’ I yelled.‘I did! I came in ready to talk and she clearly didn’t want to.’

  ‘Yeah, sounds like you tried really hard…’ said Faith.

  ‘I’m not sure I like this, Faith,’ I asserted. ‘I’m usually the one asking you awkward questions about your feelings.’

  ‘Yeah, well, we’re in a room full of my family, so we can’t talk about me.’ Faith smiled smugly.

  ‘OK, well, I feel like it’s kind
of the same thing as it is with Leon. I’m not going to be benched by Steph, either, while she puts her boyfriend first.’

  Just at that moment, Uncle Phil grasped at Faith’s shoulders, kicking his legs out either side behind her. As she was being whisked off, Faith yelled,

  ‘FYI, Emma, I don’t think you’re on the bench. For Leon OR Steph!’

  And she conga-ed away into the night. With Uncle Phil flapping his legs behind her like a strange, middle-aged-man-cape.

  And now I’m sitting on the toilet, contemplating, listening to the sounds of ‘Waterloo’ coming from the next room. I believe that’s how all great thinking is done.

  posted by EditingEmma 22.09

  My Comedy Act Continues

  Caused another riot when I said if I got married, IF, that my mum would walk me down the aisle. Once she had finished wiping a tear of laughter from her eye, Faith’s Mum asked, ‘But what about your dad?’

  ‘I don’t really know my dad,’ I said.

  ‘But he’s alive?’ she asked.

  But he’s alive?! Is that the only criteria he has to meet, in order to walk me down the aisle whilst my poor mother, who has cared for and looked after me for the past however many years, watches from the sidelines?!

  When I get home, I’m going to give my mum a giant hug.

  posted by EditingEmma 22.49

  Faith Is a Oui-Sexer!!!

  I don’t believe this. Faith waited until THE END OF THE EVENING to drop this massive bombshell.

  ‘So can we not talk about you at all?’ I asked.‘Even though our conversation is definitely getting drowned out by the sound of Phil Collins?’

  Faith glanced from side to side.

  ‘Well, actually…I do have news,’ she said.

  ‘You had sex?!’ I said, on autopilot.

  She smirked.

  ‘Oh my God, you did!!!’

  ‘Shhhhhhhh!!!’ Faith put her hand over my mouth. ‘My Aunt Carol hears like a bat!’

  ‘But you did?!’ I continued.

  ‘Yes, and now you can stop saying it every time I say I have news.’

  ‘Oh my God. OH MY GOD. FAITH.’

  ‘I know.’

  ‘You’ve gone to the other side!’

  ‘I didn’t die.’

  ‘You’re a oui-sexer.’

  ‘A what?’

  ‘I decided I didn’t like the term “virgin” so I came up with non-sexer and oui-sexer instead.’

  ‘I’m not sure it’ll catch on.’

  ‘How do you feel?! Do you feel different?’

  She laughed. ‘I feel the same.’

  ‘Tell me everything! Were you scared?’

  ‘Emma, you keep making it sound like a murder went down.’

  ‘Sorry. Were you nervous?’

  ‘Yeah, I was a bit. I mean, Claudia’s not a virgin. Sorry, non-sexer. So I thought I’d feel like the bumbling buffoon. But…it wasn’t like that at all. None of that mattered. She made it so easy.’

  Faith smiled.

  ‘You do seem different,’ I said. ‘Peaceful. Glowing. Confident. I mean, you’re always confident. But now you’re all… SEXY confident.’

  Faith did a little joke pout. ‘Thanks, Emma.’

  I can’t believe one of my friends has had sex. Actual sex. S-E-X. THE SEX.

  Surely this makes me more of an adult by association?

  posted by EditingEmma 23.41

  My Jealousy Horn Is Tooting

  Back home now. A little bit drunk. Thoughts turning… Aghhhhhh.

  So it seems that, inadvertently, through no fault of her own, Faith has accidentally enraged the dormant beast that is my horn. Despite my head and my heart being VERY happy for her, there’s always that pesky vagina, lurking like the shark in Jaws and causing me all sorts of trouble. It’s like, as soon as it heard that one of my friends was getting some action, it got all jealous and started pestering me. What about me, Emma? Don’t forget I’m here, Emma. I have needs too, Emma.

  SHUT UP, VAGINA.

  posted by EditingEmma 00.58

  Blame My Vagina For Everything

  Oh God. OhGodohGodohGod. I think I may have done something I shouldn’t have done. I mean…something I really, really wish I hadn’t done. And now I really, really want to talk to someone about it but Faith won’t understand and Gracie, i.e. Ms I-Don’t-Masturbate, would definitely judge me for my base behaviour. Steph is the only one who would really get it, but we’re not speaking.

  Oh God.

  I spoke to Dev.

  DEV.

  So I’d been masturbating for nearly an hour and was sort of feeling a bit better, but not really. My jealousy horn was being slightly less obnoxious, but still whispering insistently in my ear. I was wondering what more I could really do about it, when I spotted that Dev was online.

  Dev

  Dev is a boy who lives in Leeds. He’s friends with Steph’s cousin Bart, and used to visit Steph a lot when we were thirteen. I don’t remember much about him, apart from that he wore a backwards cap that said ‘YOLO’ on it. Then he followed me and started talking to me. It seemed innocent at first, but then one day he asked me ‘if I was horny’. And I was, obviously. So I said yes. And then, um, things sort of escalated from there. I used to send him NAUGHTY messages (naughty for thirteen-year-olds) and giggle over them.

  It was a totally safe, if a little strange, way to explore all my early horniness… I mean, come on, who doesn’t have a Dev at some point in their life?! But I was sort of ashamed of it. It felt like a much bigger deal to me than it was, at age thirteen. Then one day I admitted my sordid secret to Steph and she burst out laughing. I was really afraid for a moment that she was going to judge me, but then she said, ‘OH MY GOD. ME TOO.’ It turned out she’d also been naughty-messaging Dev. We compared all our hilarious cringe messages from him and didn’t stop laughing for about a year.

  I’d totally forgotten about him until today.

  Our conversation:

  Emma: Hi.

  Dev: Oh hey, long time no speak ;)

  Emma: Indeed.

  Dev: What can I do for you…?

  You know what, I can’t even go on. Just think, there’s one of my friends having intimate, caring sex with her girlfriend and I’m still having my needs met by seedy online conversation with some weird boy who introduces himself by saying, ‘Hi, I’m Dev, do you know my name means “Godlike”?’ No wonder Steph’s outgrown me.

  AGHHHHHHH I feel so dirty. I can’t BELIEVE I spoke to DEV!!!

  posted by EditingEmma 01.05

  Typed out a message to Steph to tell her about the Dev thing, then deleted it.

  I miss her so bad.

  Saturday, 29 November

  posted by EditingEmma 12.44

  Something Strange Is Happening

  When I went to take the bin out this morning I was greeted with an incredibly bizarre sight. Possibly, one of the strangest things I’ve ever encountered. There, sitting on the step in front of our door, was…wait for it…a tiny, tiny chair. Like, fairy people tiny. I almost didn’t see it and nearly crushed it with my foot it was so small. I blinked a few times and it was still there. I called to Mum, inside the house.

  ‘Mum? Why have you ordered a tiny chair?’

  ‘What are you talking about?’

  ‘There is an inexplicably tiny chair sitting on our doorstep.’

  ‘You’re seeing things,’ she said.

  ‘Come outside!’

  She came out and we both stared at the chair. Then I reached out to pick it up.

  ‘NO!’ she yelled.

  ‘What?!’

  ‘It might be a trap.’

  ‘A trap for WHAT?!’

  ‘…Your hand.’

  ‘Are you SURE you didn’t order this?’

  ‘I’m not going senile, Emma. Maybe it’s one of your little friends, playing a joke on you.’

  ‘I mean, if this is a joke I’m really not seeing it.’

  ‘That Steph always did have a
peculiar sense of humour.’

  ‘Ugh, come on, let’s just go inside.’

  ‘WAIT.’

  She disappeared off into the house, then reappeared with a spatula.

  ‘Just in case,’ she said, and leant down towards it.

  Then she carried the tiny chair into the house. On the spatula.

  posted by EditingEmma 18.29

  I messaged Faith and Gracie and neither of them know anything about the mysterious chair. I even messaged Steph, because I was so stumped, and all she said was:

  No idea. Sx 18.01

  I can’t believe she’s not even curious about a teeny, tiny chair randomly arriving at my house. I guess she really doesn’t care any more.

  Mum put it in my room and I’m looking at it now. It’s wooden and green and painted up the side with little flowers.

  Totally, totally bizarre.

  posted by EditingEmma 21.19

  Sum Total Of My Day

  Cringed about things I said to Dev. Tried not to think about Steph. Or Leon. Posed outfits against my tiny bit of wall and tried to get the look/lighting just perfect. I’m definitely getting better and better at it.

  Oh, and stared at the tiny chair.

  Sunday, 30 November

  posted by EditingEmma 15.08

  Mum came into my room.

  ‘I suppose you’re just going to keep staring at yourself online today?’

  I shrugged. ‘I’m not just staring at myself. I’m staring at other people too and comparing myself to them. Look at Faith’s girlfriend. She’s a writer, feminist campaigner and illustrator. She actually makes money from her designs. Look!’

  Mum raised her eyebrow. ‘I’m more interested in what you’re doing. What about all your resolutions, hmm? Stop moping online? Spending time with your friends?’

  ‘Ha, yeah. It’s a little hard when your friends don’t want to spend time with you. And when you’re incapable of making new ones.’

  Mum frowned. ‘I thought you had made a friend. What’s his name? That boy doing the show with you?’