Friendship Fails of Emma Nash

by Chloe Seager

  She reached for a little heart-shaped piece of carrot dangling around her neck and blushed. Again, I refrained from commenting.

  ‘What about your ex, hmm?’ I went on. ‘Could it be the stripper? I mean, Olly?’

  Mum paused.

  ‘I suppose. I mean…it could be…’

  I nodded. ‘I think he’s our only viable option.’

  ‘Oh Lord. Maybe you’re right. What should I do?!’

  ‘Contact him?’

  She took a breath.

  ‘I’d really rather not speak to him. I mean, I’m dating Graham now.’

  I sighed.

  ‘I guess we’ve got a new housemate, then,’ I said, looking back at the sad, pathetic bear. Its head rolled to one side, almost as if it heard me…

  posted by EditingEmma 23.03

  My Mother Is EVIL

  I’d nearly finished brushing my teeth, and I went into my room and turned the lights on. My heart stopped dead. There appeared to be someone already in my bed.

  ‘UGHHHHHHH!’ I screamed, throwing my toothbrush up in the air. It hit me in the head, just as I realized ‘someone’ was the giant teddy bear, propped up, lying on its side, on one elbow. Waiting for me.

  ‘Mum! MUM!’ I called out. ‘That’s terrifying and PERVERSE. Please get this…thing…out of my room!!!’

  She emerged from her room, pissing herself laughing.

  ‘I wish I could have caught that on camera,’ she said.

  ‘Get it out. You almost gave me a heart attack!’

  ‘Just put it on the floor.’

  ‘No way. I can’t go to sleep with that thing staring at me.’

  She rolled her eyes. ‘Don’t be ridiculous.’

  ‘All right, put it in your room, then.’

  ‘No,’ she said.

  After a somewhat slapstick half an hour of shoving the teddy back and forth at each other, we ended up leaving it blocking the corridor. No one can really walk up and down the house now, but at least I can sleep peacefully.

  Wednesday, 3 December

  posted by EditingEmma 08.31

  Left Mum dithering around about messaging Olly this morning.

  ‘What do I say?’ she pleaded.

  ‘Hmm. How about, if you ever send me something this creepy again, I’m going to have you arrested?’

  ‘You’re not helping,’ she said.

  I genuinely thought that was very helpful.

  posted by EditingEmma 15.45

  Boys And Girls CAN Be Friends (I Can’t Believe I’m Even Having To Write This Post)

  Gracie said an absolutely ridiculous thing to me at lunchtime. I was speaking about Charlie and how nice it’s been getting to know him. I referred to him as my ‘friend’, and she said, ‘You’re not friends.’ She shook her head all solemnly.

  ‘What? Why?!’ I squealed.

  Had he been bitching about me behind my back?!

  ‘Boys and girls can’t really be friends.’

  ‘Of course they can.’

  ‘Nope,’ said Gracie. ‘One or the other of them always ends up fancying the other, and then it’s ruined.’

  ‘That’s crap!’ I screeched.

  ‘Is it? Look at you and Leon. Friends for years, and then what happened…’

  ‘All right,’ I said. ‘But me and Leon were different. We were friends but there was always…something else.’

  Gracie shrugged, as if she’d made her point.

  ‘No, I’m sorry. You can’t base this on one example.’

  ‘It happens all the time.’

  ‘’Cause you know so much about this, Gracie,’ I continued. ‘Being friends with so many boys.’

  ‘Exactly,’ she said.

  ‘Exactly what?’

  ‘Exactly my point.’

  ‘So you’re telling me the reason you’ve got no male friends is because you did, once upon a time, and they all ended up fancying you?’

  ‘Well…’

  ‘Having known you for six years now, and never having met these boys, I can only assume this is evidence based on a secret double life?’

  ‘That’s not…’

  ‘Or before the age of eleven? Because if that’s the case, I think we probably need some post pre-teen evidence before we go around making such huge claims.’

  ‘All right, all right,’ she said, but clearly still believing that I’m wrong and she’s right.

  I tried a new tack.

  ‘So what about Faith?’

  ‘What about her?’

  ‘Well, she likes girls. Do you ultimately believe that you’ll never have an entirely platonic relationship with her? Do you think one day she’s suddenly going to realize she’s been lusting after you all this time and pounce on you when you’re getting changed for PE?’

  Gracie sighed. ‘Faith’s different.’

  ‘HOW?!’

  ‘Because…Faith’s a girl.’

  ‘Wait, wait, wait. This is opening up a whole other can of worms.’

  ‘Shall we talk about something else?’

  ‘Why? Because you know I’ve speared you?’

  ‘Speared me?’

  ‘So straight boys and girls can never be friends, but gay girls can be friends with straight girls. Got you. What about gay boys and straight boys? I take it that’s a no?’

  ‘I don’t…’

  ‘Or straight boys and gay girls?’

  ‘I…’

  ‘What about transpeople? Or non-binary? Where do they stand in this?’

  ‘Emma…’

  ‘Ooh, ooh, what about bisexuals?! Can they be friends with ANYONE?’

  ‘I…’

  ‘I think Theo Wilson in the year above is bisexual. Maybe you should go and let him know he’s destined to lead a lonely, friendless life.’

  ‘All I was saying,’ said Gracie, incredibly pink by now, ‘is that either you or Charlie will, at some point in your lives, end up fancying each other.’

  ‘I’ll prove you wrong, Gracie Morton. Don’t think I’ll forget this.’ I shook my sausage at her, on the end of my fork. ‘I’ll be ringing you on my deathbed just to tell you how wrong you were.’

  Gracie nodded. ‘I do believe you’d actually be that sad, yes.’

  posted by EditingEmma 16.50

  I Don’t Believe It

  I was just hanging around with Holly, working on the clothes (or in Holly’s case, throwing random objects in the air and not catching them as practice for her next gig), when she dropped a bombshell.

  ‘So, you and Adam, huh?’ she asked.

  ‘Erm, no, we haven’t spoken since the Battle of the Bands.’

  ‘Did you get his gifts? Have any squirrels sat in the squirrel chair yet?’

  So that’s what that was!!!

  But also oh.

  OH.

  Ohhhhhhhhhhh.

  ‘What’s this?!’ Charlie overheard us and interrupted.

  ‘Emma’s new beau,’ said Holly.

  ‘He is NOT my new beau,’ I said to Charlie.

  Beau?

  ‘Please, tell me more,’ said Charlie, cracking up. ‘Squirrel chairs, you say?’

  ‘I don’t have time for this!’ I shouted, diving past him for my phone.

  I quickly rang Mum.

  ‘Mum? Mum?! Did you speak to Olly yet?’

  ‘No.’

  ‘GOOD. OK, phew. I know who’s been sending us the gifts. It wasn’t him, it was some guy I met last week. Anyway, I’ll sort it, so don’t worry.’

  There was a silence.

  ‘I haven’t spoken to Olly yet,’ she said slowly. ‘But I have sent him a message telling him to stay away from me, that it’s over and that I’m sorry that he’s still pining for me but he needs to accept it and move on.’

  Woops.

  ‘Um, eek, sorry.’

  ‘Sorry?! You’re SORRY?!?!’

  ‘Well, in my defence I didn’t tell you to accuse him of pining for you. That was all you.’

  There was a silence, and then
, ‘You will be sorry, Emma Nash, you will be sorry.’

  By the time I hung up, Holly had told Charlie everything and he was practically pissing himself laughing.

  ‘You are NOT helping,’ I huffed.

  Ugh. I wonder if I can camp out here for the night?

  posted by EditingEmma 19.07

  Came home and everything was strangely fine. The house was quiet. Mum was sitting on the sofa reading a book. She barely looked up as I came in.

  ‘Hi, Mum,’ I ventured tentatively.

  ‘Hi, Daughter,’ she answered.

  The clock ticked. A floorboard creaked. Huh, I guess she isn’t going to yell at me, then… Maybe she’s forgotten about it?

  I retreated slowly as she turned another page.

  posted by EditingEmma 19.29

  AGHGHMM

  My heart won’t stop pounding. I’m utterly, utterly terrified. I WILL NOT SLEEP IN THIS HOUSE.

  I’d just put my school stuff away and sat down on my bed to take off my shoes, when I noticed I was sitting on something kind of lumpy… It was under the covers. I thought, Has a sock come off in the night? Has a pillow somehow made it down the other end of the bed? I threw back the covers and there, lying in between my sheets, was the sight that will haunt me for ever.

  The decapitated teddy bear head. Its creepy eyes looked lost and pleading.

  ‘MUM. MUM!’ I screamed. ‘WHAT THE HELL?!?!’

  I stormed downstairs.

  ‘You’re sick, do you know that! Sick!!’

  ‘I can’t imagine what you mean,’ she said. Her tone was calm and even.

  ‘Ugh, stop leaving things in my bedroom! STOP MUTILATING STUFFED ANIMALS.’

  @Em_Nasher

  If I’m dead tomorrow, it was my mother & here is the evidence

  @Faith_18

  @Em_Nasher Your mum’s really got to find a better way to deal with her anger

  @Em_Nasher

  @Faith_18 Watch out, Faith, or you might end up on her list

  Thursday, 4 December

  posted by EditingEmma 08.34

  Mum had already gone to work when I left this morning, but she left her book out on the table.

  Revenge by Martina Cole.

  Subtle.

  If she really wanted revenge, she could just stop preparing food and giving me lunch money. I’d probably starve within a week. But I don’t want to give her any ideas.

  posted by EditingEmma 13.54

  Making New Friends Is Liberating

  So, I’ve been trying to forget about it, but I’m still massively cringing about the whole Dev thing. Every time I close my eyes there he is in my imagination, licking his lips in a really weird way or putting a rose between his teeth or something. I still haven’t mentioned it to any of my friends.

  Then earlier I was in the design room, still thinking about Dev and wondering about what his life is like. (I concluded, remembering the ‘YOLO’ hat, that probably the less I know the better.) Charlie walked in to put one of his finished shirts away. He must’ve noticed me wincing because he said, ‘Why do you look so horrified? Is it my shirt?’

  ‘Oh no, sorry, the shirt looks great! I was just, um, thinking about something.’

  He sat down on the edge of my desk.

  ‘What on earth were you thinking about?’

  I paused, wondering how much information to give.

  ‘A YOLO hat.’

  He gut-laughed. ‘Worn ironically?’

  ‘No.’

  ‘That is a distressing thought.’ He nodded. ‘Anything else?’

  I wasn’t sure we were good enough friends for this, yet… But I really wanted to talk about it with someone. So I told him. Afterwards, he paused for a moment, and said, ‘And?’

  ‘That’s it,’ I said.

  ‘That’s it? Oh Emma, so what?’

  ‘I just feel like my friends are moving on with their lives, and I’m reverting back to being a thirteen-year-old. Plus it’s so icky… Why can’t I control my horniness? I can’t believe I stooped so low.’

  ‘OK, first things first. Trust me, you’re not going to be turning to…Godlike Dev…for ever. Secondly, you seem like you’re doing all right with your life to me. Look at all this you’re doing!’

  He gestured towards my outfits.

  ‘And thirdly, I’ve done so much worse than that in the name of my horn. Really, truly. Have you SEEN some of the messed-up shit that’s on the internet?’

  I laughed.

  ‘Practically every time I have a wank I’m overcome with guilt. I want to unsee everything I just saw in the past five minutes and surround myself with fluffy white kittens and drink hot milk.’

  ‘Why hot milk?’

  ‘You try looking sexy drinking hot milk. It’s impossible. Natalie Portman herself couldn’t pull it off.’

  I laughed. And everything felt a bit lighter.

  ‘Do you really only wank for five minutes at a time?’ I asked.

  ‘Yeah. Why? How long do you do it?’

  I shook my head.

  ‘Oh, Charlie.’

  Anyway, it hadn’t really crossed my mind to tell Charlie before…but I’m glad I did. I actually feel loads better. I think our fledgling friendship is becoming a…um…large bird?

  posted by EditingEmma 18.17

  I Am A Social Media Star

  So, apart from having made a new friend, another silver lining to the big, dark, ugly cloud of fighting with Steph is that at least my Insta profile has gone WAY up in quality. I’m practically a professional now. It’s probably because normally, you go through the filters and they mostly look really similar and eventually you get bored and just pick one, but now I have aaaaaallll the time in the world to really think about it, and get it to fashion Instagram stardom level.

  Evidence: Friendlessness is clearly the path to success.

  Friday, 5 December

  posted by EditingEmma 09.40

  I was just getting my bag off the rack and the handle got caught and I ended up spilling the entire contents all over the floor. Boring Susan went skidding on a sanitary towel, and Anna bent down to pick it up and hand it back to me.

  ‘Oh, so sweet!’ cooed Gracie, as she walked away.

  ‘What?’

  ‘You and Anna are like…friends now.’

  I wrinkled my nose. ‘No, we’re not.’

  ‘But she smiled at you! You totally are.’

  ‘No, Gracie. This is not a Hollywood movie. Just because we both decided Leon’s not worth our time, I’m pretty sure we still have zero else in common.’

  ‘But wouldn’t it be so nice, to both get something out of your horrible break-ups? A new pal?’

  ‘Lots of things would be nice, Gracie, that will never, ever happen. Like Britney and Justin getting back together.’

  She thought for a moment.

  ‘You’re probably right. Anna is way cooler than you.’

  posted by EditingEmma 11.17

  How Much Checking Social Media is ‘Normal’?

  Was hanging out with Gracie when she started talking about how worried she was about becoming obsessed with her phone. She said, ‘Yeah, I think it’s becoming a real problem…like, I literally check my Instagram about…ten times a day.’

  Ten times?!

  TEN TIMES?!?!

  She thinks that’s obsessive?!?! I literally checked mine ten times when I just went to the toilet!

  Oh my God. If that’s obsessive, then what am I? Do I need to think about this? Or is Gracie the abnormal one here?

  Yes, that’s probably it. Gracie’s definitely the weird one.

  posted by EditingEmma 17.01

  Reasons Why Leon Naylor Needs To Move

  A lot this term, it’s felt like I can’t get away from Leon. But today…today was utterly ridiculous. It was like I was Road Runner and he was Coyote. Or maybe I was Coyote. Anyway, he was bloody EVERYWHERE.

  1) He Was In The Design Room

  Which is fine. I’m used to him hanging aroun
d there by now. But he was standing right by the pink thread I needed and I couldn’t go get it. And then I ended up using green and trying to convince myself the combo would look ‘zany’. I was doing a good job of believing it, until Charlie asked me why I was designing clothes for the Muppets.

  2) He Was In The Hallways

  Does he ever go to lessons? Why is he in the hallway so much?

  3) He Got The Last Slice of Pizza

  I wanted that pizza! As if it isn’t enough to ghost me, bench me and look completely adorable and achingly sexy whilst doing it (shut up shut up shut up brain) HE TOOK THE LAST PIECE OF HAM AND PINEAPPLE PIZZA. He knows how much I like ham and pineapple pizza!! And he was just ahead of me in the queue…How dare he eat it so brazenly, right in front of me!

  4) He Was In My Head

  That was the worst part. I tried to blame it on the pizza-thieving, but even I couldn’t kid myself I was thinking that hard about pizza.

  No, I was thinking about the pizza-eater. (And a little bit about the pizza.)

  It’s been getting steadily worse since the coat-sniffing relapse, but…agh…I hate how pathetic this is. But it’s got even worse since him and Anna broke up. I’m trying not to let him move back into my head…I really am…But somehow he just creeps in there.

  This is one thing I definitely can’t talk to Charlie about.

  I really want to talk to Steph.

  posted by EditingEmma 21.31

  Mum came creeping into my room.

  ‘Why are you in bed at nine thirty?’ she asked.

  ‘I’m tired,’ I lied.

  ‘Look,’ she said. ‘I know you’ve been upset, so…’

  She paused and sighed.

  ‘What?’ I prodded.

  ‘You know that hotel commission I won.’

  ‘Yes?’

  ‘Well, as a thank you, they invited me for a free stay this weekend.’

  My ears pricked up.

  ‘I was going to ask Graham, but…do you want to come?’ she asked, through gritted teeth.

  ‘Do I want to come?!’ I yelled. ‘Do I want to come and be pampered in an amazing hotel?!’

  ‘Well, do you?’