by Chloe Seager
‘Yes?’
‘And I was…um, well, using my hairbrush.’
‘Interesting,’ I said.
‘What?!’ she squealed. ‘Don’t you use objects?!’
‘No,’ I said. ‘Just my hand.’
‘Oh my God! I am weird!’
‘Gracie,’ I said. ‘There are many different ways to masturbate and, not that I’m exactly an expert, but probably many different ways to have sex. We all enjoy different things and you are not weird. Continue.’
‘Well. I’ve been thinking recently that it’s…well, it’s too thin for my needs. And um, well, wondering what else there might be to use. So I, um, explored the house.’
‘Yes…’ I encouraged her.
‘And, well, um. My brother’s Wii remote…well…it vibrates.’
‘Oh my God!’ I started laughing.
‘But then, ugh, but then I heard him come back in with his friend. And he started yelling, “GRACIE! GRACIE! Have you seen my Wii control?”’
I was laughing so much by this point.
‘And he stormed up to my room and I stuffed it under my pillow, and was all like, no, no, I haven’t seen it. But then he started yelling about how Mum must have taken it, so that he’d do more homework, and how it was bang out of order.’
‘What did you do?!’ I wheezed.
‘Well, I was going to, um, clean it and put it back. But he was so angry I didn’t want to risk getting caught. So I threw it out the window.’ Gracie winced. ‘And it landed in the neighbour’s garden. And Andy and Mum are still fighting about it.’
‘Oh my God! You thief!!’ I guffawed.
Gracie took a deep breath.‘So now,’ she said,‘Do you accept that you’re not alone?’
‘I accept,’ I said, still laughing.‘You’re a dirty Wii-humping scoundrel, Gracie Morton.’
posted by EditingEmma 18.01
The Plan
We have spent the past two hours coming up with a brilliant, mastermind plan, complete with equally brilliant mastermind Plan B… NOT.
Plan A
Make friends with a computer genius and get them to trace the location of the commenter.
Plan B
Try and surreptitiously look over the suspects’ shoulders for clues.
‘Is this it?!’ I cried. ‘Is this the best we can come up with?!’
Gracie shrugged. ‘I guess.’
‘Well,’ I said, ‘you’d better not put plan-making skills on your future application to Cambridge, Gracie. Because if you do, I’ll send them these.’
‘Yeah, well, if you do that, I’ll send whatever fashion school you’re applying to pictures of you in that disgusting green jumpsuit.’
I really need to take those pictures down.
‘The computer genius one isn’t so bad,’ she carried on. ‘If only making friendships didn’t take so damn long… Would you be happy to figure out the mystery in a couple of years?’
‘I’m really, really hoping to have moved on with my life by then.’
‘We could bribe a computer genius?’
‘Hmm. Not bad. Do either of us have any money?’
‘Um, I have two hundred pounds that I got for my birthday,’ she said.
‘Ooh!’
‘But I’m definitely not spending it on this. What about you?’
‘Er, I have eighteen pounds fifty and a Dairy Milk bar.’
‘The Dairy Milk bar is mine, actually.’
‘All right, all right! So much for sharing is caring!’
‘Clearly, we need a new plan.’ Gracie sighed.
‘Ooh! Ooh! I know!’ I said. ‘We could comment on the next comment, with things that only the suspect would know. If it is them, that would definitely scare them off!!’
‘Like what?’
‘Like…say it was Dev…and say he called me a slut, or something. I could write… I don’t know about that but I have been told I’m rather GODLIKE.’
Gracie paused.
‘If it’s not Dev, though, won’t they think you’re really strange?’
‘Yes,’ I said. ‘But funnily enough, I’m not that worried about whether the person trolling me thinks I’m strange or not. I just want them to go away.’
‘I don’t know, though. I’m not sure about actually interacting with the troll. Isn’t all the advice to ignore it and stuff?’
I nodded. ‘You’re right. I really don’t want to get into any online spats. I think that will just make me feel worse.’
‘Yeah, don’t rise to the bait.’ Gracie sucked in her cheeks. ‘You could hope they get bored and go away, then start up your blog again?’
‘I don’t know. That feels like giving them what they want. Next?’
She shrugged. ‘I’m out.’
Sigh. I went home no closer to figuring anything out.
As I was leaving, I looked out Gracie’s window and saw the sullied Wii control, lying in the neighbour’s bush. At least I have that hilarious image to hold on to, in dark times.
Friday, 19 December
posted by EditingEmma 10.16
I Don’t Know What I’m Doing
I passed Leon in the hallway earlier.
‘Hey,’ he said, and offered me a Chewit.
And suddenly, I’m not sure why, but I felt irrationally angry. What, did he think everything was just going to go back to the way it was?! Maybe last term that would have been the case… But I wasn’t that girl any more.
‘What are we doing?’ I asked.
‘Um, eating Chewits?’
‘You know what I mean,’ I said.
‘I know what you meant.’ He looked at me questioningly.
‘Well, then?’
‘I don’t know, Emma. Why don’t you tell me?’
‘You know, Leon,’ I said. ‘You can’t just start…offering me Chewits…every time you and Anna break up. It doesn’t work like that.’
He opened his mouth like a round ‘O’. I had the most annoying urge to put my finger in it. Stop it, brain.
‘You kissed me!’ he exclaimed. ‘TWICE!’
‘Yeah, well,’ I said.
‘Yeah, well, what?’
‘Yeah, well… That doesn’t stop me being hella mad.’
He smiled then. ‘You can’t pull off hella mad,’ he said.
I tried really, really hard not to smile back.
‘I’m still upset with you,’ I said. ‘You upset Charlie, too.’
He put a hand through his hair. ‘Yeah, yeah, I’ve upset everyone.’
He did look really frazzled and distressed then. I felt a flash of pity against my will.
‘All right, bye then,’ he said, and walked off.
I know I’ve been kissing him, but for some reason him coming over to me felt different. It made me feel out of control. AGHHHHHHHHHHH. Is that fair?! I don’t know!!!
posted by EditingEmma 10.21
I really wish I’d taken a Chewit and then told him to go away.
posted by EditingEmma 13.05
Rest Of The Day’s Events
1) Analysed Charlie’s Every Move
Charlie sat with us at lunch again today and I decided to look closer for signs of love. He did offer me his pudding. Is Gracie right?!
2) Suspected Something Is Up With Faith
‘I’m not sure Claudia is coming on Saturday any more, Emma. She says to tell you sorry.’
‘Oh, that’s fine,’ I said. One less person to worry about. ‘Why?’ I asked.
Then Faith went all cagey and started talking about her new paintbrush.
3) Was Accidentally Mean to Crazy Holly?
I was doing homework in the design room Holly was in the corner, octopussing away. Then she said,
‘Can’t wait to break this out on Saturday!’
I stopped.
I turned.
‘What do you mean, on Saturday?’ I asked through gritted teeth.
‘Y’know, wapping out ma moves at the big showdown.’ She flailed an arm.
> ‘No,’ I said. ‘You can’t do that.’
She just winked.
And in the moment, all I could think about was how awful I already felt about hundreds of people judging my outfits. Judging me. Let alone with Holly and her weird dancing making things worse. People would definitely mock her. And by proxy, people would basically be laughing at me. I’ve had enough of other people’s nasty comments.
‘Holly, I mean it! You’ll ruin it! Why can’t you just be normal for once?’ I yelled.
It was meant to come out jokey, but it didn’t. We both knew I wasn’t joking. Holly stopped dancing and stared at me. Charlie looked up from his table and frowned. I put everything down and left.
Holly’s not upset, right? Crazy Holly is never upset… She doesn’t live in reality. Real things don’t touch her. Right?
Again, we’re all animals. Just animals. Animals don’t have time to think about any of this. They just think about what’s for lunch.
And I am having pie.
posted by EditingEmma 13.45
The Mission
I can’t believe I’m saying this but…the pie didn’t make things better.
I’m in the tech lab, still thinking about what I said to Holly. I feel awful. I think of Holly’s shocked, hurt face and I just start crying.
I’m not myself. I know I’m not myself. I would never, ever have snapped at Holly like that if I wasn’t so worried about what people thought of me. And I’m worried about what people think of me because I’ve allowed this stupid, horrible person to rule everything. I’ve given them so much power over me.
I unfurl Gracie’s list of suspects.
Hannah Condom
Kayleigh Spencer
Anna
Dev
Greg
I know what I have to do. If I’m ever going to figure this out, I’m going to have to actually talk to these people.
And I’m starting at the top.
Anna.
posted by EditingEmma 13.50
Operation Get Anna Alone – Take Two
Back lurking around corners spying on Anna. FFS. But this time I will show no mercy, Patricia.
What counts, legally, as a kidnapping? If I leap on Patricia and tie her to a chair somewhere, with tape over her mouth, just to get her away from Anna for a bit…will I do time?
posted by EditingEmma 13.59
SUCCESS
That was far easier than last time. Anna broke off to go to the toilet whilst Patricia was having her hair plaited and couldn’t move. I followed her. Unfortunately, I came in after she’d already gone to the loo and I had to stand listening to the sound of her weeing for quite a long time. When she eventually came out, I sidled up to her.
‘Anna,’ I said.
‘Emma,’ she replied, looking vaguely creeped out. As you might, by someone lurking around listening to you wee.
The status quo was much as it ever was.
‘I’m doing some research for a class project. Do you mind if I get your opinion on a poll?’
‘Um, sure,’ said Anna.
‘Great! OK, so the question is…um… How do you feel about the word slag?’
I waited. She blinked.
‘Ah, what are the options?’
Of course. A poll normally had options.
‘Um, a) great word, accurately describes the, uh, thing it’s describing and er… B) like Swiss cheese – neutral, baby, or C) it’s a horrible word, no one should ever use…unless it’s women reclaiming the word and making it mean something else.’
‘Er, well…C. Obviously.’
‘OK, C…Interesting, interesting.’ I scribbled down her answer on an imaginary bit of paper. Then realized I was just writing in thin air which looked a bit bonkers, so I stopped. Anna stared.
‘Right, thanks a lot!’
I retreated back into the shadows of the corridor.
And now I’m analysing her answer. It definitely wasn’t her. Not because she actually said C) – which, of course, is exactly what a person secretly calling someone a slag online would say – but because she looked so entirely baffled by the whole encounter. Not even a hint of recognition around the eyes. If it was her, she probably would’ve twigged why I was asking…but nope. Pure, solid confusion, with a side of unadulterated fear.
posted by EditingEmma. 14.39
On my way to afternoon lessons I passed Kayleigh Spencer, who (of course) avoided eye contact. I started to wonder, was I too quick to strike her off the list? Is her super nice, cat-loving exterior actually masking an ice-cold, calculating villain? What if her and Hannah Condom are in it together…? Maybe she’s even planning to recruit Anika Khatri?! WILL SHE STOP AT NOTHING on her campaign of hate?!?!
Then Kayleigh stopped to help a Year 7 kid tie their shoelace and I exhaled. I really, really don’t think she’s an ice cold supervillain.
All this is making me INCREDIBLY PARANOID.
posted by EditingEmma 16.44
A Revelation
Was walking home with Gracie when A THING happened.
‘So, did you speak to Charlie yet?’ she asked.
‘Uh, no,’ I said.
She sighed.
‘All right, sorry!!’ I said. ‘I will!’
Then she went kind of…moody?
‘All right, well, you should do it soon,’ she said. ‘Because if he does like you, it’s not very fair that you’re running around kissing Leon in hallways. And it’s not very fair, you know, on the people who might want to kiss Charlie in hallways.’
Then I glimpsed her face. She looked sort of…vulnerable.
I suddenly twigged what might, maybe, be going on here.
‘Gracie… What are we really talking about?’
‘Charlie liking you.’
‘Are we…talking about anything else?’
‘Like what?’
‘I don’t know…maybe someone liking Charlie…’
She looked away, then. Her eyes fluttered and she went all pink.
‘OH MY GOD!’ I screamed.
‘Shhhhhhhh!’ she whispered urgently.
‘It’s hardly like I’m announcing it on a tannoy!’ I yelled. ‘What do you think is going to happen?’
‘Someone might hear you!!!’ She looked around her, all shady-like.
‘What?’ I said. ‘You mean like that old man feeding the ducks? No offence, Gracie, but I’m pretty sure he has zero interest in your love life.’
‘You never know!!’ she hissed. ‘He might be Charlie’s granddad or something!!’
I massaged my temples. Gracie having a crush was going to make my life very, very long. She gets embarrassed about dropping something on the floor.
‘I don’t believe it!!’ I said. ‘All this time. Is this why you’ve been so obsessed with me and Charlie??’
She bit her lip. ‘Maybe,’ she said.
‘When did you realize??’ I asked.
‘I think I’ve known a little bit, for a while now. But properly the other day in the sixth form centre. I dropped my sausage roll on the floor, which was SO EMBARRASSING…’ (see) ‘…and he picked it up and started eating it, and gave me his.’
‘True romance,’ I said.
‘It was very chivalrous.’ She blushed.
‘So, does he meet all your criteria?’ I grinned.
‘Hmm, about eighty per cent,’ she said. ‘I mean, he’s only a Grade 5 Violin.’
‘What?!’ I slapped my hands to my cheeks in mock horror. ‘How are you guys going to function?’
She grimaced. ‘It’s not ideal.’
FFS.
‘Anyway, now will you stop going on about me and Charlie?’ I continued.
She shrugged. ‘I believe you don’t like him. But what if he likes you?! And I like him?! That would be so…’
‘Embarrassing?’ I said, sarcastically.
‘Yes!’ she said.
I actually don’t see how that would be embarrassing at all, but whatever.
‘All right, al
l right, I’ll talk to him,’ I said.
‘Thank you,’ she breathed.
Oh God. Now I’m even more nervous about speaking to him…
posted by EditingEmma 19.50
Back To Investigations
I was just settling in for a quiet evening of learning, when Mum burst into my room.
‘All right,’ she said. ‘WHY is your phone in the blender?’
‘Um, safekeeping?’
She raised one eyebrow.
‘It’s not like we ever use the blender,’ I said.
‘We do sometimes.’ Mum frowned.
‘No, we used it once to make that misguided kale smoothie. Then we poured it down the sink. Then it clogged our drains. And THEN we had to call Fit Plumber.’
Mum paused, lost in memories. ‘Maybe we should use the blender more… Well anyway, here’s your phone.’
‘I don’t want it. Put it back in the blender, please.’
‘Emma, what on earth is the matter?!’
I sighed. ‘Just leave it on the bed.’
When she’d finally gone, I tried to carry on, but I could feel the phone staring at me. My old friend. So many happy times spent together… I could almost hear it asking, Why are you doing this, Emma?! What did I do wrong?!
I picked it up.
All right, seeing as I’d already had one awkward conversation today…I might as well have another. At least this one didn’t have to be face to face.
Emma: Dev, did you call me a slag on my blog?
The reply was instant.
Dev: ?!? Why would I do that, sexy mama?!
Emma: Because of our ‘chat’
Dev: Anything you say here is free of judgement, Emma. And the same for what I say to you? It’s a safe space.
Silence.
Dev: And on that note…
I turned off my phone. Ugh, no. Not again.
I do actually believe him, though. The times we met he seemed super harmless. His whole vibe is not really like that… I really don’t think it was him. Still, though, I won’t be having any more ‘chats’ with him. I don’t know…even if he is harmless, I feel kind of weird about it. Anything you say online is immortalized and out there for other people to share as they choose. I don’t think I’m going to be having any more ‘chats’ with anyone other than someone who, maybe far, far away in the future, I am a hundred per cent sure I trust…