by Chloe Seager
At least I didn’t send him any pictures. I certainly wouldn’t do that for anyone that I wouldn’t also trust with my life.
Like Steph.
Although why I’d be sending Steph naked pictures of me, I don’t know.
I miss Steph.
posted by EditingEmma 21.09
Keep getting the most irritating messages from Gracie.
Please don’t tell Charlie what I said 19.17
I know you’re friends but I’m your friend too 19.18
Emma please, swear to me 19.20
For God’s sake, I swear! 19.20
On Lauren Graham? 19.20
I swear on Lauren Graham 19.21
I just don’t believe you 19.21
You’re going to tell him 19.21
Actually I was going to get little Gracie <3 Charlie t-shirts printed, and make everyone at school wear them 19.21
?????????????? 19.21
What?! Emma please!! 19.21
People in love have absolutely no sense of humour. Still, if nothing else, Gracie’s deranged messages have been distracting me (a bit) from how nervous I am about tomorrow.
I can’t believe it’s tomorrow.
Saturday, 20 December
posted by EditingEmma 11.31
Just Another Day Any Other Day
But it is not any other day. It is the day of the fashion show.
I feel sick.
posted by EditingEmma 15.45
Getting Ready For The Show
I don’t know what’s happening to me. I usually love getting ready, and putting an outfit together and thinking about what make-up and hairstyle will complement it in the right way etc., etc. … But I’m just not enjoying it. In fact, I would go so far as to say I’m actively hating it.
Everything I put on looks wrong. I feel like I detest every single item I own. I’ve started my make-up and scrubbed it off again three times, and now my face looks a bit red and raw.
What is the matter with me?!?!
This is really the one and only area of my life where I don’t feel insecure. The bit before going out and actually talking to people, where you and your choice of clothes and make-up and self-expression are the only things that matter. I’m used to feeling awkward and bumbling on the inside, and then masking it with a great outfit. But it’s like all my self-consciousness has finally made its way out of me. It’s showing in my clothes.
posted by EditingEmma 16.32
I Have Three Hours To Redo EVERYTHING
Oh my God. Oh my God. OhmyGod ohmyGod ohmyGod ohmyGod.
Oh. My. God.
I just got to school and suddenly, looking at the outfits I’ve spent hours and hours carefully planning and many more hours lovingly crafting, that I’ve poured my heart and soul into, that I’ve been so excited to show the world and thought about basically solidly for nearly two months… Suddenly, I’m wondering…
Why on earth I bothered.
They’re rubbish. Obviously. Total crap. Everyone’s going to hate them. Why did I put that button there? Why did I choose that shade of blue? Why did I think that dress looked good when it was so obviously exceedingly ugly? Why did I think I could do this? Why why why why why why why.
WHY.
It’s OK. Breathe. Breathe. You have three hours. You can remake everything. Fine. Let’s just start pulling everything apart. It will be fine. It has to be fine because it’s clearly the only way.
posted by EditingEmma 16.59
I Don’t Believe This
I sensed someone hovering beside me as I tore apart my outfits. I don’t really know what on earth I’m doing to them, now, but just touching them and pulling stuff off arbitrarily seems to make me feel a lot better. Anyway, it was Charlie.
‘So…nervous?’ he asked.
‘Aha, ahahahahha,’ I replied.‘Whatwouldmakeyouthinkthat?!’
‘Hmm. Glazed eyes. Maniacal grin. Clawing frantically at your outfits.’
‘Idon’tknowwhatyou’retalkingabout.’
He took my arms then. ‘Emma, seriously, stop. Stop touching the clothes.’
‘But…’
‘Put the shirt down.’
‘But I…’
‘Emma, NO.’
Then I used my self-defence move on him, and tackled him to the floor.
‘Hahaaaaa!’ I shouted, spooning/holding him on the ground.
‘How the HELL did you do that?!’ His shout was muffled, because I was holding his arm in front of his face.
‘Thank you, Wham Bam Sam!’ I called triumphantly.
‘Look, you shreally need to caghhhlm daawghn, is all I’m sagghhying,’ said Charlie.
‘I’m perfectly calm, thanks,’ I said, as he started wriggling. ‘It seems as though it is YOU who is not calm.’
‘Becaushhh I’m beinnngh held caahhptive!’
Eventually I consented to release him. We were both still on the floor, and burst out laughing. I was laughing so much I was too weak to get up.
‘This is what they mean when they say, ROFL,’ said Charlie. We both lay there for a bit, looking at the ceiling. ‘Maybe I can’t physically restrain you, but I can distract you instead?’ he went on.
‘Go on then,’ I said.
‘So I, um, I have this problem.’
‘I always thought you had the eyes of a bed-wetter,’ I said.
We started laughing again. I was so hysterical by this point, I was basically just wheezing.
‘No really,’ I said, eventually. ‘What is it?’
‘Ughhhhh,’ he said. ‘I like someone.’
I froze. Oh God. Here was the moment. Was Gracie right all along? Was my radar for these things completely broken? I didn’t know what I was more worried about; breaking it to her that her crush didn’t feel the same, or having her be totally smug and continuing to believe that boys and girls can’t really be friends.
Oh God. I closed my eyes, preparing myself for the inevitable. Wondering how to let him down gently. It was going to be hard.
‘Who?’ I asked, bracing myself.
He was silent for a moment, and then… ‘Ghrmmsaaachhiiie,’ he said into his hands.
I unfroze. And started breathing a massive, massive sigh of relief.
‘Did you just say Gracie?!’ I squealed. ‘GRACIE?!’
He kept his head in his hands and nodded. I stared at him for a moment, processing this new information.
‘Oh thank GOD!’ I yelled laughing. ‘I was right! I knew I was right!!’
Charlie looked up. ‘Right about what?’
‘You fancying me!!!’
‘Errr…what?!?!’ Charlie made a vomit face.
‘All right,’ I said. ‘No need to look quite so repulsed.’
‘Sorry, but God, no. No, we’re not like that. Ugh. No offence.’
‘We’re not! We’re not like that! I knew we weren’t!’ I kept laughing and threw my arms around him. ‘Charlie, this Gracie thing, it’s so great. I…’
Then I paused. Did the not-telling rule still apply here? Or was it OK to tell now?
‘Please, please don’t tell her Emma.’ Charlie looked up. ‘I know she’s your friend, but I’m your friend too.’
Where have I heard that before?
‘I think she likes Pete Wheeler in the year above. I saw the way she was looking at his arms the other day.’ He shook his fist. ‘Damnit, how is Pete so BURLY? I’m going to have to start working out.’
‘Charlie, I…’
‘Please don’t tell her. It would be so embarrassing.’
Really, when you think about it, two single people liking each other should be the easiest thing in the world, but I can see that getting these two together is going to be like lugging a dead horse up a mountain.
I have no idea why I’d be doing that, obviously, but I imagine it would be very difficult.
I think I’m still hysterical. CHARLIE DOESN’T LIKE ME.
I KNEW IT.
posted by EditingEmma 18.15
Peopl
e With Eyes
I keep peeking outside and people are here. People with eyes. Eyes that are going to be looking at things that I’ve designed.
It’s early days but seats are filling up. I should be happy that loads of people have come, but I’d rather they all just went home and took the pressure off.
posted by EditingEmma 18.27
Oh Lord
I was still peeking through the curtains when Charlie came up behind me.
‘Oh my God, is that…?’ He gasped.
‘What? Who?!’ I asked. Had a celebrity shown up?
‘Keanu Reeves?’ he said.
I looked in the direction he was pointing and caught the glimpse of a Matrix coat, reflecting the stage lights.
‘Haha, very funny,’ I said.
‘He’s here to blind us all,’ Charlie said, shielding his eyes.
‘All right, stop now.’
‘He’s here to steal the limelight with his unique style.’
‘You’re not…’
‘Damn him, showing us all how it’s done! He’s probably got Gucci begging to give him a job.’
‘You’re not funny,’ I said.
‘I am quite funny,’ he replied. ‘Aren’t you worried the fashion courses you apply to are going to learn of your dalliance with that man and refuse your place?’
‘Shut up,’ I said. ‘That won’t happen.’
Will it?
Then I spotted another familiar face.
Greg.
‘Oh God,’ I groaned.
‘What?’ Charlie asked. ‘Another creepy ex-boyfriend?’
‘All right, first things first, Adam is NOT an ex-boyfriend. That, over there—’ I pointed ‘—is my actual ex-boyfriend.’
Charlie peered over. ‘Which one?!’
‘The one in the dark blue shirt.’
Charlie furrowed his eyebrows.
‘What?’ I asked.
‘Well, I’m just confused… He’s not wearing a cape or dark glasses. I’m surprised you were ever attracted to him.’
I shoved him.
‘I have to go,’ I said.
‘Where are you going?’ Charlie asked.
‘I need to speak to him.’
‘About what?’
‘Be back in a second!’ I shouted, running off.
And now I’m loitering in the hall. If I don’t take this opportunity to speak to Greg now, I might never do it. At least being nervous about this is distracting me from being nervous about the show.
posted by EditingEmma 18.40
I Am An Idiot
After standing in the doorway waving for about a million years, Greg finally saw me. He looked faintly alarmed and shrugged at me, as if to say, What do you want? I beckoned him over and then he began clambering over various parents to come talk to me. On the way he accidentally fell and sat on some middle-aged woman’s lap, skewing her glasses. Then after apologizing profusely, he stood up and it happened again.
I was bright red with laughter by the time he got to me.
‘I’m glad you found that funny,’ he huffed.
I was still wheezing. ‘And that’s the reason we got on so well,’ I said.
There was an awkward silence. I cleared my throat.
‘Um, anyway…’ I said.
‘Yes?’ He looked at me expectantly.
I know I say this every time, but he really does have a very kind face.
Just at that moment, Charlie loomed behind Greg mouthing, ‘STOP! NO! NO!’ and waving his arms about.
‘What is it?’ Greg repeated.
‘I…’
Charlie was still behind Greg, now hopping around from foot to foot and dragging his arm across his neck, as if to say, Kill this conversation. He really did look quite bonkers.
‘I, um… You have a nice shirt,’ I said.
‘You wanted to tell me that I have a nice shirt?’ Greg blinked.
‘Precisely,’ I said. ‘Blue always suited you.’
‘Riiiiiight.’ Greg frowned.
‘Trust me, I do fashion,’ I said, putting my hand on his arm and then walking away, leaving him standing there a bit bemused.
‘What?’ I hissed at Charlie, once I’d got him alone. ‘What is it?’
‘I know what you were going to talk to him about.’
‘I doubt that,’ I said.
‘You were going to ask him if he’d posted stuff about you online.’
I blinked. ‘Oh. How did you…?’
Charlie took a deep breath. ‘Because I think I know who it was.’
My heart stopped, then started thudding. ‘What are you talking about?’
‘I really didn’t want to tell you this tonight. Can we talk about it after?’ Charlie looked pleading.
‘No,’ I said. ‘Now.’
He shuffled from foot to foot.
‘Charlie!’ I demanded.
‘All right.’ He sighed. ‘I came up behind Leon and…’
‘Leon? You think it was Leon?’ I scoffed.
‘I know it sounds a bit far-fetched. But I know him really well. He was on your blog, and…well, he looked like he’d been caught out doing something awful.’
‘Well, you probably caught him stalking me,’ I said.
‘Yeah, I mean, that’s what I thought. But he went…weirder than normal. I don’t know. I can’t explain it. Then I saw that you’d deleted all your social media accounts and I said something about it, and he went all funny again. I don’t know. It wasn’t until later when Gracie mentioned about the comments that I even put two and two together.’
‘Gracie told you?’
‘Don’t be mad at her. She’s worried about you.’
My heart stopped thudding and went deathly still. Could it really be him? Was he getting me back for last term? Oh my God… The comments did come up before we started getting with each other again…
All this time, have I been secretly making out with the person abusing me online?
‘Emma…’ Charlie began.
I put a hand up to stop him.
‘You were right, Charlie,’ I said. ‘Let’s talk about this later. The show’s about to start.’
He nodded and took my arm, and I suddenly felt a rush of warmth for the support. I felt like I might burst into tears. But I didn’t. I had more important things to get on with right now than worrying about the person trying to tear me down. Whoever that person was.
posted by EditingEmma 19.16
The Drama Continues
I was just heading back into the green room with Charlie, when someone yelled, ‘WHY is no one appreciating how DRUNK I am?!’
I turned around and, when I saw who it was, you could have knocked me over with a feather. Faith was sprawled in a corner, rolling about on the floor. I stood for a moment, staring but not really believing my eyes. I was quite alarmed. I’d NEVER seen Faith like this. I had absolutely no idea what to do. Selfishly, just for a second, I panicked and stood completely still. Ugh.
I’mahorriblepersonI’mahorriblepersonI’mahorribleperson. I know it’s awful but I was already so nervous and still a bit in shock from what Charlie had said and…just for a moment… I felt angry with her. She’s meant to be the together one. She’s my rock. My calming paper bag to breathe into. What am I supposed to do if she falls apart?! Especially RIGHT NOW.
Could I just walk past and pretend I hadn’t seen her…?
‘UGGHH,’ she wailed and started sobbing into the wall.
Probably not.
I rushed over to her.
‘Faith! FAITH! What are you doing?!’
She looked at me blankly, as if I was a long lost cousin twice removed from Alabama who she’d only met once before in her life.
‘Emma,’ she said, finally.
‘Yes, yes, it’s me. Faith, what’s wrong?!’
‘What’s wrong?! What’s wrong?!?!’ she cried, and started unzipping her shoe.
I watched bemusedly as she took the shoe off and threw it across the other si
de of the hallway.
‘That’s what’s wrong!’ she declared.
‘Your shoe?’ I asked gently.
She nodded.
I backed away slowly, reached out for the shoe and handed it back to her.
‘Here you go,’ I said.
She looked at it for a few seconds, before pushing it away.
‘You’ve made me a fool,’ she said.
I stood there for a few more moments, clutching her shoe as she sobbed. More and more people were turning up and I was supposed to be backstage now. I rang Gracie and Steph but their phones were both turned off. Damn them for being such diligent audience members! Who actually turns their phone all the way off?! Why couldn’t they just put it on silent like normal people?!
‘Faith,’ I said, leaning down to her. ‘Faith, what is it?’
‘She doesn’t understand,’ she sobbed.
‘Who doesn’t understand?’
‘YOU KNOW,’ she said.
‘I don’t,’ I said carefully. ‘I’m sorry. Hope? Your mum?’
‘Claudia,’ she said, blowing her nose on her sleeve.
‘What doesn’t she understand?’
‘I’m not like her. She…she doesn’t understand. I’m not like her.’
‘What aren’t you like?’
‘I’m not strong. I can’t. I’m not like her.’
‘Oh, Faith, you are strong.’
‘Ughhh,’ she wailed. ‘You’re just the same!!! You’re so together, Faith, you’re so STRONG, Faith. Why does everyone expect me to be STRONG all the time?! What if I’m not?!’
I thought guiltily back to a minute ago when I saw her crying and felt annoyed.
‘I lied to her, Emma. I told her my parents knew about us.’
‘Oh,’ I said.
‘I didn’t want her to think I was ashamed of her. But now… now she’s so upset that I lied.’ Faith sobbed.
‘Oh Faith,’ I said. ‘It will be OK.’
‘Will it?’ she asked.
Just then, Charlie appeared at the door.
‘Emma! Emma, it’s nearly starting!’ he called, then saw Faith. ‘Oh,’ he said.
‘Help me, would you?’ I called back.
Together, we picked her up, one of us under each arm, and sort of carried/dragged her backstage. We laid her on a table and she patted Charlie on the arm and said, ‘Good boy.’