by Chloe Seager
We both stared in fear at the envelope lying on my bed.
‘Hand delivered,’ she added. ‘Hand delivered.’
‘Oh God,’ I groaned into the pillow.
‘Open it,’ she snapped. ‘Go on!’
I sat up and rubbed my eyes. I don’t think I’ve ever received a letter before in my life. Unless you count all the fast food leaflets I get since me and Steph ordered that 6-4-5 cheesy bread deal from Domino’s. (I never thought I’d say this, but it really was too much cheesy bread.)
Anyway, I opened the letter. It said:
Dear Emma,
I write to you in the hope that you will forgive me for what I’m about to relay, and with the fervent wish that our friendship may continue to flourish. I have made a discovery that causes me much sorrow and anguish, which it pains me to share with you. But alas, I must.
I’m grieved to report my friend, whom I once thought kind and gracious, has turned out to be a wicked sort of man after all.
I’m sorry to say that last night I chanced upon Adam’s mobile communication device and was met with a grave sight indeed. The slanderous comments by which you have been plagued I now believe were of his doing.
Please accept my sincerest apologies for having acquainted you with such a man and my promise that I shall cut off all communications with him henceforth.
Much obliged,
Holly Ignatius Barnet
P.S. if you didn’t get any of that – Adam’s the one who’s been commenting on your blog and I’m not speaking to him any more. I’m really sorry.
Mum stared over my shoulder at the letter.
‘Emma,’ she said, sitting down next to me. ‘Is this why you’ve been offline?’
I sort of wanted to bat her away and pretend like everything was fine. But I crumpled. I nodded and started sniffling into her shoulder.
‘You really should have told me,’ she said.
‘I know.’ I nodded.
‘If something like that happens again you must tell me, do you understand?’ she said.
I nodded again.
‘I just wanted to pretend it wasn’t happening,’ I said.
Mum nodded.
‘I feel like such an idiot,’ I went on. ‘I didn’t even think about Adam. I barely know him. And I thought he liked me… Why would he do that?’
Mum shrugged. ‘People can be awful when they feel rejected.’
I had a little cry, but I actually feel better now. Knowing who it is and why they did it makes it nastier and more targeted… But also like it’s less about me, too. This was obviously all about him. And the more I think about it, the more I think that most things like this are. Even if this person hadn’t known me… targeting me online would still mean more about them than about me. You really have to think that anyone doing that sort of thing has their own motives, whatever those motives are.
On her way out of the room Mum said,
‘Is Holly’s middle name really Ignatius?’
posted by EditingEmma 10.01
Oh God
Oh God. Oh God oh God oh God oh God. And then I had a thought…if it was Adam, then…it wasn’t Leon.
It wasn’t Leon.
Zut alors! What did he think I was banging on about yesterday?!
Oh my God. I have zero idea what to think or do about this, or what it means, but right now I’m going to stop thinking about me and think about someone else.
posted by EditingEmma 11.38
Faith Came Out (For Real This Time)
Just left Faith’s house. I went round to check she was OK, after last night. Faith’s mum, Lillian, let me in.
‘Hi, Emma,’ she said. ‘Faith’s upstairs.’
‘Great, thanks,’ I said, and bounded to Faith’s room.
Faith was lying on her bed sketching a lychee.
‘Hello,’ I said, sitting on the floor, so that my head was just behind the lychee. (Maybe I could photobomb her sketch, too? She might start drawing me without even realizing. That would be MEGA-PHOTOBOMB.)
‘Hiya,’ she said, not looking up from her lychee.
‘How are you?’
‘I’m all right, thanks,’ she said coolly.
I sensed that she was withdrawing on me, after her unusual display of emotion last night.
‘So, all OK after yesterday?’
‘Yes, thank you.’ She kept sketching.
‘Right. Um, spoken to Claudia?’
‘Yes.’
God, this was like drawing blood from a stone.
‘What did you say?’
‘I told her that I was sorry I lied about being out to my parents. I told her that I planned on being honest with her in the future, and that I’m out to my parents now.’
‘Well, that’s good that you… Wait, what?! You told your parents?!’
‘Yes.’
‘WHEN?!’
‘This morning.’ She kept staring at her stupid little lychee. Suddenly I picked it up and put it on my head.
‘Hey! Emma!’ she cried indignantly.
‘What? You mean you can’t keep drawing it like this?’
‘No.’ She folded her arms.
‘What about like this?’ I put it in my mouth.
And then regretted it INSTANTLY, because it was really large and spiky.
I started choking.
‘God, Emma!’ Faith jumped down off the bed and started patting me on the back. Once we’d got the whole lychee out of my mouth, we finally talked properly.
‘Thanks for ruining my art project,’ said Faith, staring at the slightly mangled, spit-covered fruit.
‘No problem. What happened?!’ I asked. ‘How did it go?! Your mum seemed completely normal when she opened the door.’
Faith sighed. ‘Yeah, it was… Fine. But I always knew it would be fine.’
I gaped at her. ‘What do you mean?!’
She shrugged. ‘What I just said.’
‘… Then…why…’
Faith paused. ‘I mean, I always knew it would be fine but not fine, if you see what I mean.’
‘Uh, no, not really.’
She thought for a moment. ‘I never thought they’d like…you know, kick me out of the house, or anything. I never thought they’d be openly upset. It was more like…’
I waited.
‘… It was more like… I mean, they were just being so overly polite, trying so hard to be OK with it, which I knew they would… But, it’s like, it kind of hurts just as much, because it shouldn’t be something that anyone has to try to be OK with.’
I nodded.
‘I could feel them reconciling themselves to it, you know? And that’s the thing. My relationships will always be ones they reconcile themselves to, not ones they’re just unquestioningly happy about. I mean, I’m sure they will be happy for me, but it will never be quite the same as with Hope and Simon, you know? Not exactly.’
‘I’m sorry, Faith.’
‘It’s OK.’ She shook her head. ‘It’s done now. I think partially I’ve resented the idea of coming out for a long time, because I hate that I even have to “come out”, you know? Like, everyone should be like Claudia’s family. No assumptions made. But a lot of people aren’t like that.’ She shrugged.
‘Do you feel any better now?’ I asked.
‘Kind of. Except they reacted exactly how I thought they would. Like…before I did it, I could always pretend that they might react differently, you know?’
‘Ugh, I’m so sorry.’
‘And it’s not like coming out really means that you have this one awkward moment, and then it’s all fine from there. All I’ve really done is set myself up for a thousand more tiny awkward moments.’
‘Oh God.’
‘The first time they meet Claudia, AWKWARD. The first time Claudia holds my hand or something in front of them, AWKWARD.’
‘I’m sorry, Faith.’
‘It’s OK. I do feel better that I’ve done it. And it’s fine. It will be fine. I needed to do it.’
‘Yeah.’
‘I don’t want there to be a part of my life Claudia can’t be involved in.’ She smiled. ‘And now there isn’t.’
‘Apart from like…going to the toilet,’ I said.
Faith laughed. ‘Yes, apart from going to the toilet.’
posted by EditingEmma 12.01
Orgasmo!
Before I was about to leave, Faith put a hand on my shoulder and said, ‘By the way Emma, I did.’ She raised her eyebrows.
‘You did?!’
‘I did!’
I laughed out loud and yelled, ‘ORGASMOO!!’
‘Emma,’ she hissed. ‘Shut up.’
‘I’m sorry,’ I laughed. ‘I’m just happy.’
‘It’s both lovely and slightly creepy that you’re so invested in my sex life.’
‘No problem, pal,’ I said, punching her in the shoulder. ‘So, what changed?’
Faith shrugged. ‘Well… it’s quite simple really. Last night, once we talked about all this, and I told her the truth about my parents, we started talking everything else too. Including that.’
‘Bold,’ I said.
‘As soon as I said it,’ Faith carried on, ‘it just got so much better. Like I’d actually included her in the activity, instead of thinking I was in it alone. I think I’d been forgetting that it’s something two people do together. I asked Steph about it before and she said it’s all about communication. Like, her and Andy don’t speak about things, as such, but they let each other know. Hints. Non-verbals. I’m not really a non-verbal person so I just told her.’
‘See, I’m clearly never going to have a functional relationship,’ I said. ‘I’m too awkward to give non-verbals or talk directly about things.’
‘Nah, you’ll get there,’ said Faith.
‘Well, anyway, I’m very happy for both of you and all your orgasms,’ I said.
I sort of am. Sort of.
But it also seems like something so ridiculously far away, for me. Me, who makes out with my ex-boyfriend randomly in corridors and then says nothing, with no idea of what we are or what it means or what we’re doing. Yes, truly WONDERFUL communication skills. Top notch.
It was time to be brave. I knew what I had to do.
posted by EditingEmma 12.47
Step One Of Being Brave: I’m Back!!!
I’ve officially turned all my social media back on. The online world is such an easy way for people to be awful and vent everything that’s going on for them because it’s anonymous. But being online is also a way for people to be kind to each other and support each other. I’ve been making it this massive thing in my head like ‘social media is evil’ or something, when it’s really just a method of communication and it’s how people are using it that’s important. And that includes me, too. I know now it wasn’t just those comments that made me have this complete freakout. It was obsessing over it. Defining myself by it. Of course these comments were going to send me completely over the edge… If all I’m thinking about is my social media accounts and someone’s being nasty to me on social media, I felt like my entire self and identity had been totally ripped to shreds. But taking myself off it completely isn’t going to do any good, either.
I just have to learn how to stop letting it take over my life.
And also, block Adam on every single outlet possible, and remember to talk to someone immediately if something like that ever happens again.
posted by EditingEmma 13.05
Step Two Of Being Brave: On My Way To Leon’s
Yes, you did hear me correctly. I am on my way to Leon’s house. Because we need to have a conversation. An actual conversation, where we don’t start kissing. I’m not entirely sure whether this is a good idea or quite how it’s going to go but…anyway, my feet are still moving. So. Can’t argue with that.
It’s snowing. Actual snowing. Which is making what I am about to do a lot harder because it feels all romantic and movie-like. I have to keep reminding myself that tomorrow, when the snow is gone and I don’t feel all gross and sentimental, I will know I’ve done the right thing and didn’t throw away ALL MY SELF-WORTH for a kiss in the snow.
A kiss in the snow…
I have always really, really wanted a kiss in the snow…
With Leon…
STOP IT.
posted by EditingEmma 13.37
Lingering Outside Leon’s House
Oh God. OhGodohGodohGodohGodohGod. WHY did I think I could do this?! Face to face?! Why didn’t I just send an awkward email like a normal person?! Or come to think of it, say absolutely nothing about this ever again, like he did to me last summer?
And just as I’m about to turn away, I hear the door open.
And I crouch down behind a bin.
‘Hello?’ I hear him call.
I carry on crouching.
‘Emma, I know you’re there. My mum heard you yelling “CRAP” to yourself about half an hour ago.’
The jig was up.
I stood up and waved to his mum, who was standing in an upstairs window looking a bit bewildered. She disappeared behind a curtain.
‘I, um, took a picture of myself and my nose was surprisingly red,’ I said. ‘It’s REALLY cold.’
‘Well, maybe don’t stand around outside in the freezing cold taking pictures of yourself…’ he said.
‘I don’t have a mirror on me.’ I shrugged.
‘Yes, that explains everything.’
Silence.
‘If you knew I was here, why didn’t you come out?’
‘I assumed you’d eventually come in, but you never did, so…’
Silence.
‘So,’ I said.
He came closer. And leaned in towards me. For one moment it was just me and him and the snow and I stopped thinking anything. Just for a moment.
‘Your nose really is surprisingly red,’ he said.
‘Yes,’ I said, remembering myself. Remembering why I came.
Remember why you came, Emma.
‘I’m here because.’
‘Because…’ He looked amused. One eyebrow was perfectly raised over his stupid perfect eye, that had that mischievous glint in it that always, without fail, makes me kind of annoyed at how smug he is but also kind of want to grab him and kiss him at the same time.
I took a deep breath.
‘What did you think I was talking about yesterday?’
Leon was silent and looked down.
‘Leon?’ I prodded.
‘God, Emma, it’s all right,’ he said to his shoes. ‘You like Charlie. I get it.’
I laughed. ‘Seriously?! Is that what you think?! Seriously?!’
He shrugged.
Oh my God. Is the entire world completely bonkers?
‘Leon, for God’s sake. I don’t like Charlie!! I like YOU! I’ve liked you since before hitting puberty! Since before dinosaurs walked the Earth! Since before the old Taylor Swift died!’ I yelled.
It came out a bit threatening. He looked quite startled. I ploughed on.
‘Yesterday Charlie said he saw you on my blog writing something. That’s what I was talking about. I don’t know if you’ve noticed but, um… Well, I’ve been offline recently. Someone was posting really horrible things about me. I thought it was you.’
Leon looked up at me. ‘Oh,’ he said.
‘Yeah, oh.’
We were silent again.
‘Anyway,’ I carried on, ‘I just wanted to tell you that I know it wasn’t you and I’m sorry for saying those things yesterday.’
‘It’s OK,’ he said. ‘I can see why Charlie thought that. I, umm… Well. I was writing something on your blog. But not that.’
I frowned. ‘What? What were you writing?!’
He paused. ‘Emma, I already knew you’d been offline because of that. I was writing back to them.’
‘You were what?!’ I screeched.
‘I know, I know,’ he said. ‘It was stupid. All that happened was me getting into stupid, immat
ure online fights and then making it worse. But it just made me so angry.’
‘Why would you get involved?! How could you possibly think that was a good idea?’
He took a deep breath. ‘Because I like you, Emma. Since before hitting puberty. Since before dinosaurs walked the Earth. Since before the old Taylor Swift died.’
We both fell silent. The words hung in the air.
It sounded a lot more romantic when he said it.
He started moving towards me. His familiar smell of soap and bubbles and Chewits filled the air.
No, no no, I thought. This is exactly what I didn’t want to happen.
DON’T GET TAKEN IN BY THE CHEWITS.
‘Leon,’ I said, holding out a hand to stop him. ‘I don’t need you to fight my battles for me. And I’m really glad it wasn’t you, but this doesn’t erase everything. You’ve still hurt me. A lot.’
‘I know,’ he said, backing away.
I took a deep breath.
‘So yeah, what I really came to say is… We can’t go out again,’ I babbled. ‘I mean, I know you hadn’t, um, actually asked me to, so maybe this is kind of presumptuous, but when someone tells you they really like you it’s usually because they do want to go out with you. Anyway, so yeah, I like you a lot actually, still, despite my best efforts not to. And so…yes. We both like each other. Confirmed.’
I nodded. He nodded back, still smiling.
‘And that would usually mean the going out of those two people. Who like each other. But I just… I don’t think… I don’t think we should.’
He didn’t look amused any more.
‘I, um, I… Wow, this is hard. I don’t want to make it sound like I’m having a go at you or anything, because I’m not. I just… OK, last night. You weren’t calling me a slag online. Now I know you’re not a total asshole. But… You missed the show I’ve been working really hard on since the beginning of term.’
‘I told you,’ he said, ‘Anna really wanted to talk, and I felt like I owed her that.’
‘YES, you did, totally, completely. But—’
‘I thought you’d get that,’ he interrupted me. ‘I thought you’d get that I did that to you before, and I’m trying to be better now.’
‘I do get it. I do. But… I mean… Did it really have to be during the show? I mean, I guess what I’m asking is, did you think maybe it might have been OK to say,“Anna, can we talk in an hour instead of right now?”’