by Chloe Seager
‘Kind of sounds like you’re having a go at me,’ he said.
‘No, I’m not… But did you?’
He shrugged. ‘I guess I didn’t think about it. She wanted to talk, so I went.’
I nodded. ‘Just like she told you that you still like me, and you went with it.’
‘What does that mean?’ he snapped.
He looked pretty mad. I took a deep breath.
‘It means, if Anna hadn’t realised you still liked me, and broken up with you, would you have broken up with her? Would we be here now?’
He stopped looking at me, and looked down at the floor.
‘I’m really not having a go. I’m asking a genuine question.’
Silence.
‘The thing is, Leon… I’m sure about you. But I don’t want to be with someone who isn’t sure about me. I don’t want to wonder if me and my boyfriend would even be together if the decision weren’t made for him by someone else. I don’t want to feel uncertain of his feelings. I don’t want to doubt whether I can rely on him. I want to be with someone where I feel safe, and I can trust them, and talk to them about everything, or… I don’t know. It just isn’t worth it.’
He looked up at me then. ‘How long have you been practising that?’
‘About as long as you’ve been practising deflection.’
He smiled. ‘Well, it sounds like you’ve got this all worked out, so.’
I so badly wanted him to contradict me. To prove me wrong. But he didn’t.
‘Bye, then,’ I said.
‘Bye,’ he said, and stood there.
I turned away first. I could still feel him standing behind me as I walked down his garden path and along the road.
It was all very solemn and dignified, until, completely predictably, I stumbled on a bit of ice and reached out to steady myself, accidentally putting my hand on the tail of a cat on a nearby wall, who hissed and bit me.
Cats really are the worst. I’m glad I never became friends with Kayleigh Spencer.
I turned back, nursing my hand and hoping Leon had gone back inside. But nope. He was still there. Watching me go. The cat thing doesn’t lessen my dignity in this situation, right?
posted by EditingEmma 14.17
Step Three of Being Brave: On My Way To Steph’s House
Tralalala, lalalalalala. Trying to keep my spirits up on the way to my next stop. Because if this goes as badly as it did with Leon, I think I may as well just throw myself into a pile of snow and freeze to death in it.
This has to go OK. Things have to be OK with us.
posted by EditingEmma 14.35
Steph’s House
Well, that was a fail. Jess answered the door and said Steph’s been out all morning. Where on earth is she?! Surely she’s not playing football in these Arctic temperatures?! Can you even kick a ball across snow?
‘Thanks anyway,’ I said to Jess.
‘Sure,’ she said. ‘What happened to your nose, by the way? It’s extraordinarily red.’
Going home, feeling lonely as Lonesome George.
posted by EditingEmma 15.21
My House
I got to my street, wondering how I could try to pass the rest of the day without crying, when there, in front of my house, I saw a black, high-heeled ankle boot sticking out into the snow.
I know that ankle boot.
‘Steph?’ I said, approaching the door. She was crouching on the step, hugging herself and shivering in her inappropriately thin winter jacket.
‘You’re here!’ she yelped.
‘Have you been waiting there all morning?!’
‘Yes,’ she said.
‘Oh my God,’ I said. ‘That’s beautiful.’
‘Well,’ she said,‘actually it was bloody freezing so your mum let me in and we had tea and watched EastEnders. But we kept an eye out for you, and when we saw you on the street I ran out to pretend I’d been waiting here all morning.’
‘That’s even more beautiful,’ I said.
‘Where have you been?!’ she demanded.
‘At yours,’ I said.
‘Awwww,’ she said, ‘we’re like a really terrible rom-com.’
We laughed, and then an awkward silence fell.
‘Emma, I’m so sorry,’ she said.
‘You’re sorry?! I’m sorry!!!’ I replied. ‘I’m so so so so so so sorry.’
‘I’m so so so so so so SO sorry.’
‘I’m really, very, incredibly, enormously, gargantuanly, whoppingly, elephantinely sorry.’
‘I’M SORRY!’ Steph shouted.
‘What has happened with us?!’ I asked.
‘I don’t know,’ said Steph.
‘I’ve wanted to say something for AGES. But then…’
‘You didn’t?’
I nodded.
‘Me too,’ said Steph.
‘I think I just found it easier to ignore it,’ I said. ‘Because then I could sort of pretend I was OK and that was better than admitting it.’
Steph nodded vigorously. ‘I didn’t even tell Jess about it or anything. I just got all moody and acted out, and then pretended it was actually because she’d used my mug, or something.’
‘I thought you didn’t care if I was at your birthday!’ I said.
‘I thought you didn’t care about being at my birthday!’ she said.
‘I got really paranoid you were replacing me with Andy!’
‘I got really paranoid you were replacing me with Gracie and Charlie! … And Hannah Condom, of course, my biggest threat.’
I launched myself at her, toppling her over a bit, and buried myself in her Steph smell.
‘I missed you,’ I said.
‘I missed you too.’
posted by EditingEmma 20.47
Still With Steph
Still with Steph, discussing how everything could have possibly gone so wrong and talking about how we’re never, ever going to let it happen again.
‘I’m sorry I didn’t ask you why you went offline,’ said Steph. ‘I knew it must have been something bad and I just convinced myself you’d rather talk to Gracie about it.’
‘Gracie really helped,’ I said. ‘But I wanted to talk to you too. I wanted you so so badly.’ I nuzzled her jumper.
‘I know, I’m sorry,’ she said. ‘I guess I just got all sensitive because you guys were clearly talking about stuff that I couldn’t be involved in.’
I sighed. ‘Look, it’s just because…’
‘I’m dating her brother, I know,’ Steph said.
‘You knew?!’ I asked.
‘Yeah, it was pretty obvious,’ said Steph. ‘And I guess…UGH, it’s stupid…but I guess I felt kind of betrayed you didn’t tell me. Which is stupid. Obviously Gracie is entitled to not want to speak to me about that, and you were just being a good friend. I’m sorry.’
My lip wobbled.
‘I did want to tell you about it, but I couldn’t,’ I said.
‘I know,’ she said. ‘I know. I was being unreasonable. And I’m sorry about the way I left you after that self-defence class.’
‘Why did you?!’ I asked. ‘We were having fun!’
‘Well, exactly,’ said Steph. ‘We were having so much fun and it was like everything was back to normal. Then Charlie phoned you and I didn’t even know about him…and…I don’t know. I’ve never not known things about you before.’
I nodded. That was exactly how I’d felt.
‘And then I remembered that it wasn’t even you who’d invited me. Your mum invited me.’
‘Only because I thought you didn’t want to speak to me!!’
‘I know now, but in that moment I really felt like your mum had pushed me on you and you’d rather have been there with Charlie.’
‘That’s not true!’
‘I just kept thinking about how many times you’d bailed on me.’
‘I wanted to give you space!’
‘Yes, but you didn’t tell ME that. You just kept cancelling!’
‘Oh God.’ I put my head in my hands, thinking about how it must have looked. ‘I’m such an idiot.’
‘You gave me so much space, Emma. So much space you stopped telling me anything. And this absurd saga to find a new friend…I mean…You’re allowed to make new friends, obvs.’ She bit into a mini-bite. ‘But you kind of made me feel like I’d moved to Australia!’
She sprayed chocolate bits all over my shirt and didn’t notice in her normal, nonchalant way, and I didn’t even care. I could have licked the little pieces of chocolate off me. She could literally have spat in my mouth and I’d have loved it.
‘And when you weren’t completely absent, you were crossing boundaries,’ Steph added gently.
‘Ughhh. I know,’ I said. ‘I find balance hard. I’m sorry I went through your messages.’
‘I’m sorry I overreacted to it,’ said Steph. ‘It just felt like another thing that made us more distant. Like you couldn’t just ask me.’
‘I just…Ugh. It seems SO stupid now. But I got really scared you’d had sex and hadn’t told me.’
Steph laughed.
‘Which, anyway, is completely your prerogative!!’ I said. ‘That’s personal. I mean, just because I share everything, doesn’t mean you have to.’
‘I…’
‘And when we’re older and you go to uni or get a job or whatever…I’m not going to know everything, am I?!’ I said. ‘Unless I literally move down the corridor.’
Thinking about it, that might not be such a bad idea.
‘And when you like, maybe have some babies, I can’t always be there…can I? Unless you give me a room in exchange for free babysitting.’
Again, another GREAT idea if I do say so myself…
‘Emma, Emma.’ Steph held up her hands. ‘You know I’m seventeen, not thirty.’
‘I know.’ I breathed a sigh of relief, coming back a couple of decades.
‘So back to being our actual age.’ She chomped through more chocolate. ‘I haven’t had sex yet.’
‘I knew it!!!’ I yelled. ‘HAHA, Gracie!!!’
Steph stared at me.
‘Sorry,’ I said. ‘Please continue.’
‘I’m not ready.’ She shrugged. ‘Andy’s not ready. We’re not ready. But I’ve been really, really wanting to talk to you about whether I might be.’
Relief flooded my veins. She did want to talk to me about it. She didn’t have to, but she wanted to.
‘What do you think?’ I asked.
‘I don’t know. Maybe I’m approaching being on the verge of almost-ready. But then again…I’m in no rush,’ she said.
‘No,’ I agreed. ‘There is absolutely no rush to do ANYTHING EVER. In fact, I think you should just stay here on this sofa. I’ll bring you all the snacks and love you could ever want. You’ll start to smell but the only person who’ll see you is me and I won’t care. One day you’ll want to leave but you’ll have lost the use of your legs and you’ll have no qualifications, and then you’ll legit have to stay for ever.’
I hugged her.
‘That sounds nice, Emma.’ Steph patted me.
‘Oh, but you might need to move for this,’ I said, reaching in my pocket.
I brought out the tickets. FINALLY.
I watched her unwrap them, and seeing her face light up was the best thing in the whole, entire world.
‘Oh my God!! But you hate football!!!’ she screeched.
‘But I love you,’ I said.
‘I love you too,’ she said. And we stared at each other for a moment.
It was so, so nice to have Steph back. I don’t think I even realized how truly miserable I’ve been. I mean, apart from all the whinging I did about it. But I mean the truly miserable feelings, as if something in your life is missing and empty. We spent the rest of the afternoon hugging and telling each other about all the things that have happened in the past few months, in the kind of absurd, minute detail that would drive Faith up the wall.
posted by EditingEmma 22.01
FFS
Charlie just rang me.
‘Emma?’ he said. His voice sounded kind of weird.
‘What’s up?’ I asked.
‘I, um, I just wanted to ring you because I thought you should know something.’
‘…What?! What happened?’ My heart started pounding.
‘It’s Leon. He’s moving.’
‘OK…’ I said. ‘Why did you want to tell me that?’
‘I mean really moving,’ he replied. ‘Like, to Scotland.’
And then my heart stopped pounding. It slowed completely, to a dead stop.
‘Emma?’ Charlie said, but he sounded really hazy and faraway.
‘Uhuh,’ I said.
‘Are you all right?’
‘Why is he moving?’ I squeaked.
‘His mum got a research grant up there.’
I nodded slowly.
‘Emma, are you still there?’ said Charlie.
I nodded again.
‘EMMA?!’
‘Sorry, sorry,’ I said. ‘I forgot you can’t see me nodding.’
‘Are you OK?’
‘I’m fine.’ I cleared my throat. ‘I already told him it wasn’t going to happen anyway.’
‘Yeah, that’s kind of what I wanted to talk to you about.’ Charlie paused. ‘He told me what you said. And um…Well. I just thought you should know, I think the reason he didn’t fight you on it was because he’s going away.’
‘Oh,’ I said.
‘I just. ARGH. I’ve been in two minds about whether to tell you or not. Because he has been a total prick to you in the past, and to Anna. And to me. But I feel like he has genuinely been trying to change, and… Ugh, I don’t want to defend him, but I kind of do. He knew he had to break up with Anna, she just got there first. He really messed up by missing your show, but he was just trying not to let history repeat itself and to treat her better than he treated you…’
I was still nodding along. I caught sight of myself in a mirror and I looked totally bonkers.
‘…I just felt like you should have all the facts on this,’ he finished.‘It felt kind of wrong, him leaving and you not knowing.’
I can’t really remember how we ended the conversation, but somehow we’d hung up and I was on the other side of the room, lying on my bed.
This shouldn’t make a difference. I’d already made my mind up.
But if it shouldn’t make a difference, then how come I feel like the ground underneath my feet has suddenly disappeared?
Monday, 22 December
posted by EditingEmma 18.07
ORGASMO PARTY
I’m still feeling incredibly dazed and weird and like I have no idea what’s going on right now. But I do not have time to think about this. Right this minute, I will not sit around thinking about what I may or may not be feeling about Leon. Because now, I must focus on throwing Faith her ‘orgasmo’ party. Steph and Gracie are here, setting up the games.
It turns out it’s a lot harder to have a ‘sexy themed’ party than you might think.
‘How do we make the party hats sexy?’ asked Gracie.
‘Um, draw little naked people on them?’ I said.
‘I’m not doing that.’ She sniffed. ‘You do it.’
‘Give them here.’
I started to draw, but they just looked like weird stick people. Some with third legs. We all frowned at the hats.
‘So sexy,’ said Steph.
‘All right, all right. Just leave them. There’s no way of making party hats sexy anyway.’
‘What about the cake?’ asked Steph.
‘Cake is always sexy.’ I nodded.
‘And Articulate?’ Gracie asked.‘Are we only allowed to use dirty words?’
‘Umm…yes.’
‘And what about the pin the tail on the donkey?’
‘Um. Don’t use the donkey. Draw a naked person instead.’
‘Not again!’ whined Gracie.
‘All righ
t,’ said Steph. ‘So we’ve got some party hats with stick people on them, a pervy version of Articulate, and a sexy cake which, in actual fact…is just a regular cake.’
Silence.
‘Yes,’ I said. ‘But we can all yell “ORGASMO” when she gets here.’
‘Don’t ever go into party planning, Emma,’ said Steph, shaking her head.
Then the doorbell rang.
‘Is that Faith?! We’re not ready!!’ Gracie looked around her in distress.
‘It’s as good as it’s going to get, Gracie.’ Steph patted her on the shoulder.
‘It’s not Faith,’ I said, getting up.
When I swung open the door, I was greeted by a giant owl.
‘I’m so glad you wrote me back,’ said Holly, flapping her fake wings.
‘Why are you dressed as an owl?’ I asked.
‘An owl is the ultimate enemy of the squirrel. Adam would go BESERK if he thought I was dressed as an owl. But I’ve chosen my side.’ She rubbed her hands together.
‘Right… Thanks. I think,’ I said, wondering what I was letting myself in for.
When Holly came in, dressed as a giant owl, she looked around at all the sexy party stuff and said, ‘You guys are strange.’
posted by EditingEmma 19.51
Faith arrived and we all lurked in the dark. As planned, we all yelled ‘ORGASMO!!!’ when she came in.
Not as planned, her father was actually dropping her off at the door.
‘Er, I’ll just, er…bye,’ he said, and ran off down the driveway.
Now we’re just lying around, chatting rubbish and shoving our faces full of sexy cake. When I stood up to get a drink, Faith looked at me and said, ‘By the way, nice dress, Slag.’
I smiled and looked in the mirror. I’m so glad Mum got it out of the bin and kept it.
posted by EditingEmma 23.01
All Alone
Everyone just left. I’m having that kind of high you get after just sitting around laughing with your best mates for hours, and also still feeling like I’m flying through the clouds because me and Steph made up. I can still hardly believe it. As she was putting her shoes on, I was looking at her features, which seem like a face to me again now, and I reached out to touch her ear.