Defying the Enemy Within

by Joe Williams

  There are plenty of Australian men who have played more football games and won more boxing fights than me. But these days, that doesn’t matter to me as much as committing myself to helping others, especially young people. I’m just grateful to have the opportunity to share my message with so many in Australia and the United States.

  Whenever I’m giving a talk these days, I close by saying: ‘Everybody has the ability to dream. But

  I’m thankful for every knock, put-down, setback and break-up that I’ve ever had.

  it’s up to you how hard you chase those dreams.’ At thirty-four, I’m loving life and continuing to chase my dreams.

  Of course, I have bad days. I still wake up to negative circumstances and with reasons to be upset or angry, which, combined with the negative head talk and suicidal ideation, can throw me off balance. But it’s in these bad days I find growth. In every negative experience I have, I search for a lesson as to why I’m feeling so bad or low. Because I know that with every lesson we can empower ourselves to be better, more well-rounded people.

  Reconnecting with my culture has been one of the key parts in my mental health recovery. After all, for 65,000 years, our First Nations people didn’t battle with mental illness, alcohol or drug addictions. They respected, lived, loved and cared for each other and the land. Our First Nations culture has always been one of learning and sharing stories.

  Now, no matter where I am in the world, I always keep my culture close. I can be in a different country, on a different continent, but I am a Wiradjuri First Nations man before anything else.

  My journey to greater knowledge of my culture is a progressive one. Although I am merely a speck in the ocean sand, the more I become involved in my culture, the stronger mentally and spiritually I become. I feel greatly honoured to show the

  Our First Nations culture has always been one of learning and sharing stories.

  younger generations the importance of our cultural teachings, our dance and our beliefs, and to encourage them to hold themselves with humility in community. There are times when I’ve even shared my knowledge with older generations, not because I’m anything special, but because they had our culture ripped from beneath them during colonisation and the era of the stolen generations.

  In fact, I believe there’s something in this for all of us, no matter our race or religion. It’s through connection that I see a way to end the horrific suicide rate for not only our people, but all people. Whether we connect to the land, culture, family or friends — connection keeps us alive.

  The biggest lesson I’ve learned is to continually pay my respects to Mother Earth. She provides us with everything we need — shelter, food, water, warmth and even clothing — so we need to be respectful in all that we do every day as it can impact on Mother Earth.

  I am currently travelling around the country to deliver my story and to shoot a documentary that will highlight the beauty of our traditional Indigenous culture, and how reviving some of the old ways of living will reduce our horrific suicide rates. I’m not proposing we all go back to living in the bush, but I am suggesting we adopt the old cultural values that our people have shared for eternity, of love and caring for each other, humility in community and ‘Nupitji Nupitji’, which means to always share, because if everyone is sharing, then everyone is receiving.

  This journey continues and will probably end up being the most significant one in my life. Working with children in education, I get the chance to share what knowledge I have with both First Nations and non-Indigenous kids every single day. The most important people I get to share this knowledge with is my own children. I share our sacred lessons for them to carry our culture into the future.

  As well as sharing culture, I ask everyone to be kind, respectful and humble in their journey, and

  Speaking at the Koori Youth Council conference — inspiring young leaders.

  be the best possible version of themselves, whatever that may be. And I continue to honour my personal promise to myself to help others. I thank my ancestral spirits, and my higher powers that I have a beautiful fiancée in Courtney and five wonderfully talented, happy children.

  In my twelve years of living a clean and sober life, I have gotten to know the real me, a man I am proud to say that kids can look up to for living a positive life and helping others. But the most important thing is that my family, immediate and extended, are proud of the man I have become and hopefully, one day,

  The more I become involved in my culture, the stronger mentally and spiritually I become.

  the legacy I leave. I’m not a perfect parent by any measure, I make mistakes, but I try, to the best of my ability. I may not always measure up in the opinions of my children’s mothers, but so long as I know I’m doing my best, I can live with that. To know my kids love me and, even more importantly, that they know I love them is what matters most to me.

  I remember a conversation with a young man in his twenties who was playing down his achievements and what he wanted to be in life. He

  I share knowledge with both First Nations and non-Indigenous kids every single day.

  thought that his job as a garbage collector would reflect negatively on his life. Hearing him say that took me back to some great advice I received from my sponsor when I first walked into Alcoholics Anonymous (AA). ‘It doesn’t matter if you’re an NRL player, a pilot, a cab driver or a toilet cleaner,’ he said. ‘You’re going to be better at whatever you do if you give away the drink.’

  Today, I’m not perfect, but I try to be a mentor, an ambassador, a leader and a role model for young people — all because I choose to live alcohol- and drug-free. My life has improved beyond comparison and my sponsor’s words were correct.

  I am also a huge believer in personal choice. One of my very favourite quotes is: ‘It is our mind that causes suffering or happiness.’ In other words, we can choose to make our way out of the dark times by taking certain steps. On many occasions during my dark days, I was the one who was choosing to remain the same. I don’t choose that life any more. Instead, I choose to fight out of that darkness. I choose to be happy.

  If I can do it — so can you.

  Ari and Franki.

  PART II

  DEFYING THE ENEMY WITHIN

  DEFYING THE ENEMY WITHIN

  When it comes to mental health issues I’ve walked the walk, and I know firsthand how tough the everyday battle can be with the enemy within. To this day, I still live with a deafening noise in my head and have suicidal thoughts that almost drive me to breaking point. But I know that if I take my medication and stick to my personal wellness plan and to the values that contribute to my positive brain health, I’ll be okay.

  In the pages that follow, you can read my thoughts on what I did and still do to survive and thrive. Of course, the following information is not a substitute for professional advice, but simply sets out what has worked for me.

  It’s divided into three sections:

  Section 1, called First Steps, is about recognising mental health issues and reaching out for help.

  Section 2, called Survive, sets out the wellness plan I use. It contains simple information about how I manage mental health on a daily basis.

  Section 3, called Thrive, is about building resilience, which I believe is the key to being the best person you can be.

  You can read it through from start to finish, or dip in and out as you like.

  FIRST STEPS

  RECOGNISE IF YOU’RE UNWELL AND SPEAK UP

  For a large part of my life, I pushed the noise in my head down, because I was afraid of the stigma that came with mental illness. I was afraid that people would reject me, so I locked it up and pushed it deep down inside.

  I now realise you can only push things down for so long before they start to rise back to the top. Ignoring something never addresses or fixes it. It’s still there.

  Looking back, I should have spoken up about my issues. For one thing, I know now that the more I speak about my
mental health issues, the more therapeutic and healing it can be. In the beginning, it was tough to talk about them, and I thought everyone would judge me. But now I know that that’s how depression works — it can fool us into thinking we’re being judged, that no-one cares and that the world is against us. At least, that’s how it is with me and many others I speak to. But the truth is, our families, friends and loved ones only want us to be safe and well, and speaking up is the first step to wellness.

  Recently, I visited a psychologist in the United States, and he told me that everyone has an internal dialogue of some sort. It’s just that my internal dialogue happens to be quite negative. Before I made my mental health battles public, I became convinced I had schizophrenia, and that the voices and thoughts in my head were there for a reason — I was just too scared to find out what they meant. I feel a lot better knowing that the voices and heightened thoughts are somewhat normal, but that I just need to manage them. For the most part, I’ve built up resilience to the voices, which prevents them from impacting on me too much.

  WRAP-UP

  •For a long time I ignored my mental health issues because I was afraid people would reject me. Things just got worse, so I tried to cover and hide my mental health issues with substance use and abuse. That’s when I spiralled into darkness and addiction.

  •When I finally told friends, family and then the community, it was a weight off my shoulders. No one rejected me and I got a lot of support, which helped me deal with my demons.

  •Speaking up not only helped me, but it also encouraged so many other people to speak up and say they’d had similar experiences. Speaking up has opened up a conversation that was hidden for too long.

  •The important thing is to talk to someone — a friend, family member, school teacher, sports coach, anyone — with the long-term goal of getting professional help if you need it.

  DON’T BE AFRAID TO GET PROFESSIONAL HELP

  It was a big step for me to build up the courage to walk into a doctor’s surgery and admit I was struggling mentally and needed help, and that what I was going through was too tough for me to deal with alone. But I did it, and I don’t regret it. Getting the professional advice validated what it was that I was going through; it also showed me that I wasn’t alone. People were walking into doctors’ surgeries every day, talking about the exact same issues that I had been hiding for years. It is also important to advocate for yourself. Speak up if you aren’t feeling comfortable with medications and/or advice — it is very important to find the right professional help to suit your individual needs.

  WRAP-UP

  •If you think you’re struggling with mental health issues, visit a doctor or the local medical centre and get yourself checked out.

  •Although having great supportive friends helps, it’s important to get professional help if you can.

  CONSIDER MEDICATION

  When I was eventually diagnosed with bipolar disorder, I was put on medication and have continued to be on it for most of the time since. Some medications haven’t worked, but most of those that I’ve been prescribed have been beneficial to my recovery.

  There were a few times when I thought I was travelling okay, and I’d take my pills inconsistently. There were other times when I neglected to take my prescribed medication altogether. It was during these times I skated a dangerous course and even flirted with death.

  Now, the way I see it, if I have to take medication for the rest of my life to stay alive and live a long and fulfilling life, then that’s exactly what I am going to do. I know how much medication benefits me and keeps me alive.

  I try my best to take my medication at a similar time each day — whether it’s morning or night or both — and this is having a positive effect on my mood stability.

  Another important lesson I’ve learned is how a change in my weight can affect how well my medication works. During my boxing days, I weighed around 70 kilograms. These days I’m back to my NRL playing weight of 82 kilograms. Recently, I saw my doctor because I felt the medication wasn’t working as well as it had been. I learned that putting on weight had likely impacted on the medication’s effectiveness. I also learned that it can even have an impact on the type of medication that is prescribed. So now I keep tabs on my weight and know that if there’s any significant change, I will need to get my dosage checked. The best piece of advice about medication I can give is that only a professional or expert is qualified to adjust or change your medication.

  I’ve talked to quite a few people over the years who are against taking medication. When people tell me that, my response is that everyone is different and each medication is different for everyone. For me, medication has been a lifesaver. In fact, the two times I took myself off medication, I ended up in a mental health unit. I won’t do that again.

  WRAP-UP

  •Everyone is different, but for me, medication really helped me to recover from mental illness.

  •When I didn’t take my medication or took it inconsistently, I became unwell.

  •It’s important to get the dosage checked every now and then. A change in body weight can affect how medication works and the dosage may need to be adjusted.

  SURVIVE

  HAVE A WELLNESS PLAN

  I know from experience that if I’m not paying enough attention to my wellbeing, I can quite easily slip back into the darkness. I have the support of my family and friends as well as professional support from doctors, but I also need to take care of myself. So, to stay well on a consistent basis, I’ve put together a simple wellness plan that gives me ways to get back on track when I’m not feeling my best. This is my survival kit to get through tough times.

  LOOK AFTER YOUR PHYSICAL HEALTH

  Maintaining a healthy balanced diet is a crucial part of my wellness plan. I know that eating good, nutritious food every day is beneficial to my mental and physical health. For one thing, by eating nutritious food, you provide your body with the essential vitamins and minerals your brain needs to function at its best.

  Physical exercise is another key part of staying well — it’s been proven that exercise has a hugely positive impact on a person’s mental health. Research has shown that exercising for at least 26 minutes each day is equivalent to 12 hours of positive brain health. Exercising for even longer can only have a more positive effect on your mental health.

  It can be a grind, but I’ve set myself a training and exercise routine to get into the habit of working out. Sometimes, when my alarm goes off, I struggle to get out of bed but I know, in the end, it will make me feel better.

  I believe we should be encouraging our kids to play sports so they get enough exercise to maximise their mental health. Too many young people spend too much time locked away in their bedrooms playing computer games, which I don’t think can be good for their mental or physical health.

  WRAP-UP

  •Try to stick to a healthy diet of nutritious food and regular meals, because a good diet is good for your brain and your mental health.

  •Twenty-six minutes of exercise a day can result in 12 hours of good brain health. So try to get out and get some exercise — in the gym, at the park or on the field. Take the dog for a walk or go for a run.

  •If you are able, do some push-ups or go for a walk or a run. Any kind of exercise is a great way to get the blood pumping and set off the endorphin release.

  LEARN AND PRACTISE MINDFULNESS

  Anxiety is the most common mental illness in Australia. It affects all kinds of people everywhere. Anxiety is not just feeling stressed or a bit worried. When you suffer from anxiety, the anxious feelings don’t go away. Your mind races, and you might imagine terrible things happening; you might feel breathless, and your heart rate might increase. Sometimes anxiety attacks can be so crippling you feel like you can’t function.

  Anxiety can be heightened by extreme thoughts about the future — I call worrying about the future a case of the ‘what ifs’. What if this happens? What if that happens?
What if I don’t get the job? What if my child dies? What if I get cancer and die? The ‘what ifs’ can become so severe they cause physical symptoms, and you become convinced of the negative outcome.

  But Dad once told me there is no such thing as the future — only the past and the present — and living in the present is key. By that he meant that anything we think about the future is only that — a thought!

  Now, when I’m feeling anxious, I take control of my thoughts by using something called mindfulness. Mindfulness is when you concentrate only on what is happening at that moment.

  A good way to focus your mind on the present is to focus on your own body. One thing I do is rub my thumb and index finger together, and to focus as hard as I can on that. I will focus on feeling the grooves of my fingerprints, the heat generated by the constant friction, fast or slow, hard or soft. This physical action enables my mind to stay in the present by concentrating on the task at hand.

  Another mindfulness technique is to sit or stand and focus your mind on different parts of your body: your feet touching the soles of your shoe, your feet covered in the warmth of your socks. If you’re seated, you focus on the parts of your body that are touching the chair. And you focus on your breathing — slowly in and slowly out.

  Mindfulness and breathing bring your attention back to the present. And learning to live in the present enables you to build up your mental strength and not get lost in the ‘what ifs’.