by Joe Williams
An inflated ego can affect our ability to see things with a balanced perspective, and that can impact badly on us and other people. It’s your ego that most fears failure and wants to give up at the first sign of difficulty or struggle. So if you have an inflated ego, it’s harder to build resilience.
After some self-reflection, I have come to the conclusion that some of the worst moments in my life came down to one person carrying too much ego, and in the majority of cases that person was me. Whether I was constantly going out and partying, drinking and taking drugs, or walking away from the mothers of my children on two separate occasions, it was because I lived in a fake world filled with ego.
In my opinion, ego can cause a person to act in ways they don’t really want to. My bipolar disorder diagnosis helped me to understand that my ego usually kicked in during my manic periods. When I was manic, I would chase the high for days, at first through alcohol and drugs, and then via the nightclub scene, which gave me a thrill that also fed my ego.
Ego can also lead to schoolyard bullying, competition between friends, and disagreements between nations. Many of the most powerful politicians have outsized egos. If only our leaders were driven by love, compassion and respect instead of ego, the world might have fewer wars and less terrorism. In fact, I believe that if people could let go of ego, we’d see a happier, kinder, more loving world.
WRAP-UP
•There are two emotions in every person’s heart — love and hate.
•Love fuels compassion — hate fuels ego.
•Your ego fears failure, and if you fear failure, you will struggle to build resilience.
REMEMBER IT'S NEVER A LOSS - ALWAYS A LESSON
We all know people who are suffering, whether it be with illness, financial breakdown or the pain of losing a loved one.
And many of those who we think are successful have a backstory of physical and emotional hurt, sadness, grief or loss. But what makes them different is their ability to seize the moment, despite their struggles, and turn a defeat into an opportunity rather than a setback.
I’ve certainly peeled myself off the canvas many times in my life — in rugby league, in boxing, in my relationships and, probably most significantly, following my suicide attempt. But no matter how many times I have been knocked down, almost counted out, and decided I have had enough, I’ve somehow found the will to get back onto my feet.
It was difficult to bounce back from the breakdown of my relationships with the mothers of my first three children. Though a breakdown in understanding with someone you’ve loved is painful in itself, the greatest pain for me was the separation process, because it resulted in my kids’ growing up in a household without their father. Now, I comfort myself by saying that, if things had turned out differently, we wouldn’t have our little crew and I wouldn’t have met my fiancée Courtney, and our ratpack wouldn’t be complete without our two youngest, Ari and Franki.
Accepting defeat and failure gives you the resilience to bounce back, as you recognise that today’s defeat could be tomorrow’s success.
WRAP-UP
•It’s not failure that’s important, but how you deal with it.
•Try to see defeats or failure as an opportunity to learn something new.
•Try to see the positive in a situation rather than focus on the negative.
IGNORE OTHERS' LABELS AND BE PROUD OF WHO YOU ARE
So many people today worry about what other people think, so much so that sometimes it can affect their mental health. I believe young people in particular can suffer from low self-esteem, due to both what they see as society or peer-group expectations and the expectations they put on themselves.
People seem to feel the need to compete against each other more these days. Everybody wants to be better than someone else, when all they need to be is the best possible version of themselves.
People also seem to be obsessed with labels. A label is something society puts on a person in a way that makes them think they should fit that label. But the truth is, only that person has the right to choose who they are — black, white, sportsperson, smart, dumb, ugly, attractive, tall, short, fat, skinny etc.
In my life, I’ve been labelled many things, but I now realise I’m only those things if I choose to believe them. Some of those labels I choose to accept, but many I choose to reject.
I’m somebody who chooses to be a little left of centre and out there. Why? Because I like to challenge people’s perceptions. I like to break the mould and change people’s expectations of who I am or who I should be. For example, when I was a schoolboy rugby league player, I got up in front of 1500 students at my all-male Catholic school assembly and belted out a love song by Joshua Kadison on acoustic piano. Afterwards, I was teased and ridiculed behind my back for being a ‘nancy boy’ singer — until I ran out and captained the school rugby league team, scored some tries and kicked a few goals. Wait, a ‘nancy boy’ singer isn’t supposed to do that! Well, who says?
When I tell people I have Aboriginal heritage, there’s often a fixed perception of who I am and how I should look, talk, act and behave. Again, I like to blow that perception away and lead people to have a different perception of how Indigenous people should be. Because these perceptions are nothing but labels.
When I talk to people about being a First Nations man or ‘Blackfulla’ — as many of us describe ourselves — people often react by saying, ‘But you’re not black.’ Rather than take offence, I see this point in the conversation as one where the real reconciliation process begins. It’s a chance for me to educate people on what has happened to our people since colonisation. Many of our ancestors were very dark in colour, and in the early days we were exactly that, black. But years of breeding with non-Indigenous people, both willingly and, in too many cases, unwillingly — to try to breed out the bloodlines of our people — gave us lighter-coloured skin.
When it comes to society’s labels, I am many things. I’m a First Nations Australian Aboriginal man as well as a father, fiancé, friend, sportsperson, recovering alcoholic and drug addict, mentor, author, activist, truth talker, university student, lover of lollies, mental health and suicide advocate, left-handed, musician, singer, runner, personal trainer, life coach, charity ambassador, fashion designer, cake maker, bipolar disorder sufferer, Holden-driving fisherman who lives with mental illness and frequent suicidal ideation, former NRL player, and professional boxer who loves watching ballet.
Above all of that, I’m me, Joe Williams. So often we look at the colour of someone’s skin, their interests, their sexuality, their job or title, to define who they should be, because that’s how people want us to be.
But at the end of the day, the only person you should be is the person you want to be. Ignore or shed others’ labels and start living the way you want to live, because you are in control of your own destiny — not society. When you’re buried, you’re the only person in that box and all the opinions about how you lived your life won’t be important any more.
In particular, labelling someone as mentally ill can be one of the most demeaning things anyone can do. Because labels like that lead to stigma and discrimination.
For example, why is it that when we hear of a violent crime, people expect the perpetrators to have a mental illness? When we see or hear of a mental health facility, we think the people inside are ‘locked away’, and are insane, nuts, crazy. When our sports stars commit a crime or show negative behaviour, we blame mental illness.
This is why so many people hide mental health and substance use disorders, because they are judged negatively by others. The media could have a positive effect on public perception if they stopped reporting only negative stories about mental illness.
I’m an individual who battles depression on a daily basis, and who experiences negative and suicidal thoughts, and I’ve been quite open about my struggles with mental illness. I am someone who lives and breathes a positive lifestyle, and tries to help people in times of crisis. I’m of
ten described as someone who is inspirational to people in times of need. One would say I am a positive person.
And yet a person like me, who struggles with a mental illness, is often described, judged and talked about in a negative manner.
There is certainly a stigma around mental illness, but there’s also discrimination. Many brothers and sisters who battle their inner demons are discriminated against because they suffer from illness. We don’t see people discriminated against when they have heart disease or cancer, because they’re physical illnesses. But, too many times, we put down, talk negatively about and even discriminate against those who have a mental illness.
Many people have very little idea just how closely related addictions and mental illness are. In fact, many mental health professionals believe addictions are in fact a mental illness called substance use disorder. Some people think that too much drug use will lead to mental illness. But in many cases, people use drugs and alcohol to mask mental illness. I know that this was the case with me and others I’ve come into contact with and tried to help.
It’s so bad in some cases that people with substance use disorder are so discriminated against they end up in prison, often with little to no rehabilitation.
But would we ignore a physical illness or lock someone away for liver, heart or lung disease? Of course not. So why do we often ignore people’s mental illness and even punish them for it?
I believe that both the media and we as a community need to look at how we perceive and depict people with mental illness. In doing so, we need to look at the language we use when talking about or describing mental illness.
I am an individual who is lucky to have caught my addiction and alcohol abuse problems at an earlier than average age, and learned to keep my mental health demons at bay, but I ask you this: think about what you would do if you answered the door to me (knowing my story) and I was asking for help while I wasn’t feeling mentally well, and if you answered the door to a homeless, alcoholic, drug addict in a bout of depression asking for advice or help. Would you treat us both with the same amount of concern, safety and care?
The answer should be ‘yes’, you would treat us both the same, the only difference is I have a home to live in and I know how to manage my mental health, whereas the other person doesn’t.
So ignore the labels other people give you. You’re not a label, you’re the person you want to be. I know that when I started to live by this motto, my mental health began to improve. No longer was I letting exterior factors get me down. No longer was I trying to live up to others’ expectations of who I should be or who they wanted me to be. I was just me. Joe. The person I want to be.
WRAP-UP
•Let the only label you carry be your name.
•Don’t let others’ labels define who you are or who you are supposed to be.
STARE DOWN RACISM OR DISCRIMINATION
I’ve encountered racism and discrimination throughout my life, and dealing with both has helped me build my resilience. I’ve lost count of the times in my life when, due to the colour of my skin, I’ve been victimised, racially abused and discriminated against.
Even now, I still come up against subtle racism, which people tend to pass off as a ‘joke’ or let slip with a shake of the head. What I say to bystanders of racism is: what you ignore, you accept.
Everyone is affected by racism or discrimination differently, and everyone deals with it differently. Dad’s advice was that it’s better to beat a bigot through intelligence rather than physical violence and fist fights, and that helped me build up my long-term resilience in the face of racism. I realised that, yeah, I could get into a fight and maybe even win, but if I punched someone in the mouth, nobody learned anything. At least if I tried to beat someone with intelligence, I was also educating the person who was trying to bully or discriminate against me and nobody would get hurt.
The racist person may become extremely frustrated, but humiliating someone about their lack of intelligence or education is a great way to reverse the power dynamic. Now I counter racism by being educated about where I am from, the true history of this country and the struggle Indigenous people have endured to be where we are.
WRAP-UP
•Learn about your culture.
•Learn about your people.
•Anger doesn’t solve racism or discrimination. Racism and discrimination hurts, but try to use the situation as an opportunity to educate.
CONNECT WITH YOUR CULTURE
Wiradjuri is the name for Indigenous people like me from central New South Wales. Collectively, all New South Wales First Nations people are called Kooris. In most of Queensland they are known as Murris; in parts of Western Australia the term Ngoonga and Yamatji is used; in South Australia, Nunga; in Tasmania, Palawa; and in the Northern Territory a few different names are used.
Research has shown that Aboriginal people have been roaming the land for 65,000 years, but our cultural stories tell us we have existed since the beginning of time. It’s in our stories that we learn our lessons of life — stories like the creation, the rainbow serpent weaving his way across the land, creating the hills, mountains, rivers, plains and waterways.
It’s been said that, before colonisation, our people did not have mental health problems. They did not know suicide, and everyone was loved, nurtured and cared for. There were rules and laws within our communities, which were called our lore. Living close to lore enabled our spirit to be in line with our past, present and future. Our lore was practised, learned and lived, with traditional rituals and ceremonies carried out that kept everyone spiritually safe and connected.
Our belief was that, as long as we lived by and practised our lore, we wouldn’t be punished physically, emotionally or spiritually. Everyone obeyed the lore for fear of being cast out of the community — community love and respect was always at the forefront. If we stayed in line with the lore, within our community, we stayed connected physically, spiritually and emotionally — which kept our mental health strong.
Our lore and culture have survived since the beginning of time by living with respect, humility and love. And I believe there is something we can all learn from this. By returning to our traditional people’s values of love, care, respect and humility, we will deliver greater rewards for everyone. In traditional times, there was never any greed, the only emphasis that had value was how much you loved and respected someone. No social media, no bullying, no drugs, no alcohol, no unhealthy foods, as everything came from Mother Earth. And definitely no racism.
We may not be able to bring back all of these past cultural practices, but we can most definitely live by the cultural values that kept everyone spiritually in line. They are love, care, respect and humility.
For me, reconnecting to my First Nations culture has been the most significant thing in my mental health recovery. This connection to culture has had an enormous impact on my wellbeing over the past few years. I still have my down days, where I can easily slip back into the depths of depression; however, the more in tune I am with my culture, the better I feel, emotionally and spiritually. The more respectful I am towards Mother Earth, the animals and waterways, the clearer I am mentally.
It’s not always easy for First Nations people to connect with their culture — across the country, many struggle because their elders may not be around any more, or they too weren’t taught about culture because it was banished or forbidden due to colonisation.
But it is possible to rediscover your culture — you might look into the local art of the area, or learn some of the old ways. It won’t always just fall into your lap — sometimes you have to search for it.
WRAP-UP
•Learn about who you are by connecting to the old ways, the elders and the country.
•Once you find and learn that connection, share it.
•Be proud of your people and your history.
ACCEPT WHAT YOU CAN'T CONTROL, AND FIND SERENITY
One of the most important things
I learned in Alcoholics Anonymous was the Serenity Prayer, which is about accepting the things you cannot change and having the courage to change the things you can — and knowing the difference between what you can and what you can’t control. The first verse goes:
God, grant me the serenity to accept
the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.
That prayer put me on a path to training my mind towards acceptance, to understanding to control the controllable and let go of the rest.
Now, when I’m driving myself crazy worrying about all the bad things that could happen, I now tell myself: ‘I can’t control certain things that happen to me in my life — but I can control how I react to them.’
For so long I’d get myself into a knot worrying about the outcome of an event. I’d struggle with so many situations in my sporting and rugby league life because I believed the negative outcome more often than the positive. I was beaten in the mind before I was beaten physically. Sometimes I would make myself so anxious about what was going to happen I would be physically sick and lock myself away in a room for hours, not speaking to anyone.
It was only when I learned my number one coping mechanism for my fight with mental illness that I started to get well — and that coping mechanism was that I could only control the controllable.