by Joe Williams
I often encounter situations where I have to put this to the test. When I learned to live in the present moment and control only the things I can control, things started to improve.
So often I would push the hard and negative times away, down or to the side, and when it all became too much it began to overflow into my physical behaviours.
With the negative situations and outcomes, I would begin to question myself, saying things like: Why me? I’m a good person? What did I do to deserve this?
But asking these questions didn’t change the situation that I was in. In fact, often it just compounded it.
What I didn’t see was that negative things happen to other good people, too — not just me. Many negative situations I encountered in my life often led me into a deep and dark depression. I found that the key to moving forward was to reconcile myself with my past, find inner peace within myself and build resilience in what I was doing in the present, which would put me in a beneficial place for the future.
It is better to be a person of understanding and acceptance than someone always searching for answers. I have found that the answers come when you find peace and a still mind.
To be able to have a still mind takes great practice and patience. I had to learn how to switch off my mind. There was so much craziness and chaos in my head, I had to learn to switch off my mind. I found meditation and mindfulness techniques great for this, particularly when I’m not feeling mentally well.
As well as meditation and mindfulness, you can introduce practical behaviours to your life to help gain a quiet mind. These are the sorts of things nearly anyone can achieve — exercise, reading, having conversations with people about common interests, loving your friends and family, showing them you care.
I have found that people who are struggling for certain answers in life often know the answers to their own problems, but hearing it from someone else helps confirm it.
When I find myself searching for answers, I think about what advice I would give to my best friend, child or friend when they are confronted with the same crisis.
My life became a lot more positive when I learned to control the controllable, and to let go of what you have no control over. By not worrying about the things I have no control over, I find the outcome sorts itself out in time.
BE GRATEFUL AND COMPASSIONATE
One thing I have learned over the years is to be grateful for my life. Every day I have the chance to keep the promise I made to myself to have a positive impact on people’s lives, including my family.
My parents raised us kids to be grateful for what we had, because someone, somewhere, was always doing it that little bit harder. For as long as I can remember, I had always felt bad for having certain things that were better or more expensive than what other people had. To this day, material things mean nothing to me. I don’t need flash houses, cars and boats. As long as I have a roof over my head, clothes on my back and food in my stomach, nothing else matters.
To me, good health, a caring heart and compassion for others are much more important. Take all the material possessions away, and it’s a person’s soul that matters.
So no matter what happens, I try to be grateful, and it’s a good habit to get into. For example, if I’m cold, or I’m hungry, I remind myself to be grateful for the clothes on my back, the shoes I’m wearing and the fact I have feet to put my shoes on, and the meal I last ate and the one I know I’ll be eating soon.
If you try hard enough, you can find gratefulness in almost every situation you encounter in your life. I really learned gratefulness from a bunch of kids in a community in a remote part of the Northern Territory. The kids were over the moon because they got to kick the bladder of a footy around. The young people in that community didn’t have much, but they were grateful for what they had.
I’ve learned that everything we need in our life, Mother Earth provides, so anything we have on top of the barest necessities we should be grateful for.
Compassion is another quality I try to practise in my daily life. I believe that everyone we meet may be facing a battle we know nothing about and may act the way they do for a reason, so, as much as possible, I try to show everyone compassion, love and care. I work with a lot of young people in juvenile detention centres, and while I don’t support criminal activity, I try to put on my compassionate hat when I talk to these young people to find out why they have ended up where they are. Many of them have been detained for crimes such as stealing, or breaking and entering an occupied home. I asked two young men what led to them stealing in one case and breaking and entering in the other. Both told me they’d not had a meal in days and had committed crimes to get food. I don’t agree with their actions. However, I do show compassion in the face of their misjudgements.
WRAP-UP
•Try to treat every person you meet with compassion and without judgement.
•It’s easy to judge someone by their behaviour, but instead, judge them by the traumas they have experienced, which in most cases are the cause of the behaviour.
LIVE A LIFE OF VALUE, AND SHOW LOVE, RESPECT AND HUMILITY
I greatly admire boxing coach Billy Hussein. He’s a man I consider a brother. Billy is hugely successful as a coach, not only, I believe, because of his boxers’ talent and work ethic but also because, outside the boxing ring, he instils in his boxers an attitude to life.
The first few times I trained under Billy I noticed that every time one of his boxers came into the gym, they walked around to every single person and shook hands and asked them how they were doing. Now, you might not think that sounds like much, but to me it speaks of the humility of every fighter that Billy Hussein trains. Billy doesn’t just train these guys to be boxers, he trains these guys to be humble young men. In Billy’s gym there are values, and no matter who you are or where you sit, everyone lives those values, not just because they’re part of the rules but because they are good values to have in life.
One day I was speaking to Billy on the phone about people’s culture. By this I don’t mean my culture as a First Nations Aboriginal man, or Billy’s culture as a devout Muslim. Instead, we were talking about the culture people have in the way they carry themselves.
It got me thinking: there’s a particular culture I have in my life — standards I accept for myself and which I don’t let myself down by lowering them. I have lost many friends and people I considered close because I don’t like having people with negative behaviours in my life. I gave away alcohol twelve years ago because it was having a negative effect on me, and I don’t want that lifestyle for my kids.
Billy talked about how he sets his fighters up mentally for a lifestyle that they can be proud of — one of humility, poise and value. Billy provides his fighters with a culture to be better people.
For me, being a better person is trying to always show others love, respect and humility. This helps keep me mentally well. No matter the situation, I have learned to demonstrate my love. There are many circumstances where it is difficult to show love to people, but there are only two different emotions in our heart when it comes to thinking about others or situations we encounter. Those two emotions are love and hate. If you walk around with hate in your heart, then you will be negative, bitter and nasty. If you let love rule your heart, you will find more joy, appreciation and acceptance. Love beats hate every single time.
I try to show respect for everyone I encounter in life. I may not agree with some people, but I respect that they are on their own journey, and it’s not for me to judge their actions when I have no idea of their personal circumstances.
And I try to be humble wherever I go. Because no matter where I am or who I am with, there’s always somebody watching.
WRAP-UP
•Being a role model doesn’t cost any money, but you become extremely valuable.
•In a society littered with negativity, be that person people want to be like.
•Do the best you can every single day — no one is perfect,
but be the best version of you that you can be.
BE POSITIVE AND SURROUND YOURSELF WITH POSITIVE PEOPLE
I’m someone who doesn’t like being around alcohol, not because I don’t drink it but because I believe it’s a poison that does more harm than good in many communities throughout Australia. In fact, alcohol and drugs have caused major havoc in many of our First Nations communities, which has led us to have high alcohol and drug dependency and too many of our children born with foetal alcohol syndrome. As a result, I try my best to model a behaviour that I would want my children to be proud of. I make sure that I am never seen in a picture with alcohol, cigarettes or anything that will be viewed negatively. As I’ve said many times, you can’t be a role model just from 9 to 5 or during work hours — being a role model isn’t a job, it’s a lifestyle.
I’m proud that I’m a man of honour and, when people talk about me, for the most part, it’s in positive terms. I am also proud to be considered a role model for youth, but not because it makes me look good. What I do and why I do it, especially in a public arena, is to encourage not only younger people but all people to always display a positive image of themselves.
But I have had ‘friends’ come and go, due to my lifestyle. Having these friends, acquaintances and even family drop out of your life makes you realise who is important and who is a support for you in your positive choices. And at the end of the day, if these people choose to stay away from you because you like a cleaner lifestyle, then that reflects more on them than you.
By only hanging around positive people with a positive attitude, you begin to live a positive life. It’s infectious — the more people see it, the more people want it. That’s how you create a positive culture.
WRAP-UP
•Try to make positive choices.
•Surround yourself with positive people.
•Positivity is contagious.
FIND A MENTOR
I’ve been fortunate to meet and spend time with many great people during my life. There have been sports stars, political activists, musicians and family members who have come into my life and taught me lessons that will last me a lifetime. These are the people I call mentors, people who had more experience in a situation than I did, and gave me the guidance and help I’ve needed through my life. Mentors don’t always have to be an older person, but I must say it helps, as they usually have the greater life experience.
Mentors want people to be like them, show the behaviours they show, and interact in a positive manner in community. You can see a mentor by the way they carry themselves in community. Mentors are usually humble yet motivating, positive yet truthful. Model those traits.
It is these behaviours I try hard to shadow every day.
I’ve been extremely lucky to have had some great mentors who have helped shape the person I have grown into. They include my parents, sports coaches, school teachers, some of my teammates and now my partner, Courtney.
MY PARENTS
When it comes to who has had the most influence on me, of course I can’t go past my parents. As well as sacrificing a lot so I could pursue my dreams, they were both integral to my development as an adult. Learning from their different approaches to parenting has enabled me to be the best father I can be for each of my kids today.
Mum and Dad have very different ways of showing love, care, empathy, compassion and discipline. Mum always had our backs as kids. She was always the nurturer, showing tender loving care for me and my siblings, while also ingraining discipline into us from when we were very small. It was Mum who I and my brother and sisters would cling on to when we were sick as kids, or upset for some reason, whether it was from having our feelings hurt or injuring ourselves playing sport. Mum always held our family together. There were many times when our family was burdened with financial heartache, but Mum never showed stress or worry — she always just got it done.
During my NRL playing career, I would call Mum in tears wanting to move home, or for a loan of $20 to get the kids a feed for dinner. Throughout my entire life, Mum has been my emotional rock, particularly during my divorce from Suzie and my break-up with Tegan. Mum was always there to give sound advice or wipe away tears.
Mum taught us all so much, but for me, the most important thing I learned from her was to always put others before yourself. Countless times in my childhood, Mum went without just so we kids could do what we wanted to do or achieve what we needed to achieve.
My relationship with Dad was very different. He’s also always had my back but, never one to talk about feelings and sometimes stern, Dad has his own unique way of delivering a message when giving advice. Both as stubborn as each other, Dad and I had countless arguments when I was younger, butting heads over differing opinions. This was especially the case during my sporting career, whether Dad was giving positive criticism of my game as a league player or a harsh opinion during my boxing career. That said, he was my best motivator in sport.
Despite only completing high school up until Year 8, Dad is by far the most intelligent man I have ever met. As an adult he has done further education, and it amazes me that for every single exam he has sat in his working life, he has been extremely disappointed if he didn’t receive 100 per cent. Now I’m in my thirties, Dad is someone I consider more of a best mate than a father, and I really value his wisdom, which is something he has in abundance.
In our culture, young boys can only be taught certain lessons by their biological father or uncles. Dad’s father passed away when he was just nine years of age, so his entire life he was looking for that cultural leader to teach him lessons. I realise now he sought out these lessons through other means, through life experience and learning from others.
It was Dad who taught me certain Indigenous lessons and protocols, without which I wouldn’t be who I am today. It worries me that, not always living with my kids, I’m not able to provide as much cultural guidance to my sons as Dad gave me. Phoenix’s mum can teach her lessons, but Brodi and Rome can’t get the lessons from their mother, or their non-Indigenous stepfather.
Dad has been the biggest inspiration for getting through tough situations. Dad’s never-give-up, grit-your-teeth attitude in tough situations, physical or mental, never ceases to amaze me. When he was diagnosed with lymphoma, his first words were: ‘Oh well, what do we have to do to beat it? Whatever it is, sign me up.’ That’s my dad.
COURTNEY
I’ve mentioned a few people who have been very influential in my life, but I wanted to dedicate a separate piece to Courtney Merritt.
I met Court when I already had three children. The most amazing thing about her is not only the way she treats me with love and respect, but also how she cares for all my children, not just her own.
I think I’d been searching for a woman who treated and cared for her family the way Mum did ours — and with Courtney I believe I have found that. Courtney is like Mum in so many ways, always putting others before herself, never making a fuss, just getting things done. She’s a great role model and mentor.
But her care for my kids has always been the clincher. The love she shows all of my children is inspiring.
ARTHUR BEETSON
Whenever I’m asked who have been the biggest influences in my sporting career, I name the two men I have loved like fathers — rugby immortal Arthur Beetson (Beetso) and my first boxing coach, Johnny Lewis.
I was too young to remember Beetso as a player, though I once heard him described as a halfback in a prop’s body, having silky smooth skills and great body movement for such a big man. Many years later, someone asked me what was my greatest memory of the big man, and I said it was the many yarns he shared about living in Sydney during the underworld days, and his bellowing pitched laugh. I will always hold my memories of Arthur Beetson close, and I am not ashamed to say I shed a tear every year during rugby league’s State of Origin when they show Beetson smacking his club teammate, who was on the opposing team, around the ears, which captures State of Origin in one ima
ge.
Arty was a truly wonderful man. Even though we were both involved in rugby league, Beetso and I rarely talked about football. Instead, we talked about life, card games with his mates, the hotels he used to manage and, funnily enough, boxing. Beetso had a real interest in and passion for boxing. Beetso watched me, both as a kid and an adult, play in countless league games, but I was most proud when he came to watch me in my third professional fight.
Beetso rarely got angry, and I only saw his temper rear its head on one occasion, when we had a small disagreement. When he was angry, he had a bellowing voice to go with his huge stature. Out of those who knew Artie well, only a few heard his bellowing angry voice, while many more heard his child-like giggle of a laugh.
It was only at his funeral in Redcliffe, Queensland, that I saw some footage of Beetso playing, and he was exceptional. I didn’t learn till later that he also was the first Indigenous Australian to be the captain of Australia in any sport.
As well as regarding Beetso as a father figure, I also consider his sons, Mark, Brad, Scott and Kristian as brothers. I still see them both at various events and always chat about the old man.
Arthur was like a second father to me. But I think the most important thing I learned from him was to tell it how it is — tell the truth. If I didn’t play well or my attitude was off, Arthur let me know. He was a great man, and I miss him dearly.
JOHNNY LEWIS
Johnny Lewis has been major figure in my life and a great mentor. Though very quiet by nature and with an unforgettable softness in his voice, Johnny also shows love and care towards every boxer, not just the ones he trains. Whether it’s when he’s in the ring, and he’ll be saying: ‘Joey, I love ya, son. Box smart and be safe,’ or when he finishes off a phone call with ‘Joey, give my love to Mum and Dad, mate. I love ya, son,’ the man is filled with love and emotion.