The Butterfly State

by Carol Coffey

  “Sorry?” Deirdre asked.

  “She’s selling her paintings, yes? They’d be worth something. I might even be able to organise a showing. Ask her to think about it or to call in and see me. She has talent.” He gazed at the painting thoughtfully.

  “Oh, I don’t think she’d be interested, but I’ll tell her – maybe – I’m not sure.”

  Deirdre left the shop and placed the paintings in her car. She felt sure they explained what happened all those years ago and although she knew a little more about the painting, she felt she might never know what really happened that day.

  Before heading back to Árd Glen she stopped off at the stationery shop to buy Tess the items she promised her. Things were very strained at the Byrne house since Kate realised she was pregnant. Deirdre was expecting any other news except that. Even though it seemed to make Kate snap out of her depression, it had sent her into a state of quiet anxiety. She told Deirdre about her relationship with Dermot, whom she hadn’t heard from since he went west. She didn’t intend telling him, didn’t want him to think he had to marry her, and as yet she had no idea what she would do. She wanted it kept from Tess for the time being; she worked out she was almost eight weeks pregnant so she had time. The vomiting was caused by a condition called hyperemesis gravidarum which Deirdre knew some pregnant women develop, Kate later telling her that her mother had something similar when she was expecting Ben. Kate would need to stick to vitamin treatments or risk spending months in hospital. Deirdre felt Kate had improved, not so much because of her pregnancy about which she spoke very little, but because Deirdre had told her that they might have to find short-term accommodation for Tess until Kate recovered. Kate didn’t want this, she felt Tess had been through enough and promised to stick to her treatment plan.

  Over the next couple of weeks Deirdre noticed that Kate’s physical health was returning – she even had some colour in her face. Her uncle, knowing she had no transport, had given her an old car he had done up himself. Kate had thanked him and reluctantly apologised for being rude when he called during the funeral. The atmosphere between them was still uncomfortable and Jimmy Kelly didn’t stay long in the house. Before he left he stood awkwardly at the kitchen door with his cap in his hand. He told her she was the image of her mother and left quickly out the back door. Kate watched him pass the kitchen window as he wiped his eyes with an old dirty handkerchief covered in oil.

  Chapter 44

  1981

  Dermot Lynch sat in his parents’ kitchen and dried his soaking feet at the range. He had spent weeks sitting beside his father’s bedside and had just returned from walking back through the land that was once his inheritance. Dermot’s younger brother had been running the farm alongside their father but he too had great difficulty getting along with the old man. Nothing, his brother confided in him, was ever good enough for their father, nothing ever done right. He told Dermot that he had thought about going to New York where their older sister could get him a job but knew the old man couldn’t manage the farm alone so he had stayed.

  When the rain settled, Dermot opened the kitchen door that led directly out onto the back yard and smelt the air. He loved the smell that permeated the land after the rain. It wasn’t quite the same in Wicklow, he felt. It rained so much more here which made farming harder but there was something about the west that he loved; maybe it was because he was born here, he reasoned. Life was also more laid back here; the people seemed less in a hurry. Even though Árd Glen was a small farming community, the people weren’t as relaxed and it was something Dermot had noticed when he first arrived there.

  It was difficult to think of Árd Glen without thinking about Kate. He wondered how she was but knew from the last time he saw her that she wanted no more to do with him. He couldn’t figure it out; there had been no row, no disagreement. After the funeral she simply cut him out as though he was dead. He hadn’t had a lot of experience with women and was always a bit on the shy side but he couldn’t understand what had gone wrong between them. For the first few days in Galway, Dermot’s heart raced every time the phone rang, thinking it was her, asking when he was coming back, but it was always someone asking after his father. It was hard to see his father like that, shrivelled in the hospital bed, unable to speak. He had been a tall, strong man who in his youth walked a round trip of six miles a day to school and now he would never walk again. When Dermot first arrived in Galway and entered the ward, his father reached out his left arm, his other arm being paralysed, and shook hands with him. He was pleased that his eldest son had returned, even if it was temporary. Dermot had not told his family about Kate as he wasn’t sure if there was anything to tell. He didn’t know if his aunt in Árd Glen, his mother’s sister, had mentioned it in one of her telephone calls back home. He hoped not as he liked to keep his business to himself.

  Dermot was also missing Tess. He thought of ringing her but was afraid Kate would answer and would think he had difficulty getting the message she had so obviously given him when he last saw her. Maybe it was all for the best – after all, he was needed around here now. Dermot sat back and listened to the rain fall heavily outside and wondered what they were doing in Árd Glen.

  Kate sat Tess down in front of her, making her sister put any distractions away so that she could get her full attention. She was feeling stronger and even though her sickness continued, it had improved slightly. Tess needed her and this kept Kate going. She knew that they were in trouble financially and that they would have to consider selling the farm as there was no way they could work it together. When Kate thought about it, they had been in financial difficulty for some time but she had thought that Seán would eventually stop drinking and she felt like a fool for letting this situation go on for so long. She knew now that she couldn’t depend on anyone except herself as everyone in the end had let her down and she wasn’t going to give anyone else a chance to do this. Tess had a disability allowance which helped and they received some farming subsidies but it wasn’t enough and they needed to make some decisions.

  When Kate told Tess that the farm was actually hers, she could see the look of confusion on her sister’s face. She didn’t tell Tess it was because Michael Byrne was not Seán’s father, feeling this would be too much for Tess to take in. She told her she didn’t know why he had left it to Tess but that she should be pleased he thought of her. Kate watched Tess’s face crumple and crease, knowing her sister was trying to work this news out.

  Finally, Tess spoke. “Is that why Seán didn’t like me?”

  “Maybe, Tess, but none of this was your fault. It’s just the way things turned out, that’s all.”

  “Why didn’t he leave the farm to you, Kate? You are older than me.”

  Sometimes Kate felt her sister understood more than she pretended to.

  “I don’t know, Tess. Like I said, it’s just the way it is. What we need to talk about is money. We haven’t got enough money coming in for us to live on. We might need, Tess, to think about selling the farm and moving.”

  Kate stopped talking, giving Tess a chance to digest her words. She could already see the storm brewing in her sister’s face.

  “No, Kate. I like it here. I like the horse. I like Dermot. I won’t go. No.” She drew her legs underneath herself and folded her arms tightly.

  Kate sighed. She had known this would be difficult. She didn’t expect Tess to understand.

  “Tess, we might be able to keep some land, maybe keep the house and sell the acreage. Tess, we need money to live. I can’t work . . . I . . .” Kate was trying to put off telling Tess about the baby but felt she had to explain why, now that she no longer had Ben to care for, she could not look for work in the town. “Tess, I want to tell you a secret but it’s very important that it remains a secret. You can’t tell anyone, okay?”

  Tess’s eyes widened as she nodded.

  “I am having a baby. It will be born in summer. That’s why I’ve been sick.”

  Tess was silent. She lowered h
er head, lost in thought. She had questions but could not put them into words. She said nothing which disappointed her sister who had expected, or at least hoped, that Tess would be happy about the baby. But Kate couldn’t understand why she should expect this when she wasn’t even happy about the pregnancy herself. She didn’t know how much Tess understood about sex; she didn’t know what, if anything, they had taught her at the hospital.

  Until Tess finally said, “When is Dermot coming back?”

  Kate lowered her head, knowing that Tess did understand. “I don’t know, Tess,” she replied simply.

  Kate had thought about Dermot every day since he left, had hoped he would call her even though she had treated him so badly. She didn’t know why she had behaved in that way. Dermot had stood with her every minute during the tragedy and funeral; she wondered how she would have got through those awful days without him. After it was over she felt empty, yet unbelievably hurt. Seán had taken her reason for living away from her. She didn’t want anyone expecting anything from her; she had nothing left to give. She wanted to lie in her bed and dream of Ben and she had done this for weeks, unaware that she was neglecting Tess. She flushed thinking about it. How could she have done that?

  Now, she felt she had lost Dermot. She decided she wouldn’t tell him about the baby; she didn’t want to repeat her mother’s mistakes. She would keep the child. She wished she could leave Árd Glen. It would be impossible to hide her pregnancy in this small town. But she couldn’t leave right now as she had Tess to consider and they had no family anywhere else that they could turn to. She hoped they would sell the farm easily and move somewhere to start a new life before the baby was born.

  She realised Tess was staring at her, waiting for a better answer to her question about Dermot.

  “Tess, we’ll have to go to see a solicitor in Dublin where your – where Dad wrote his will.” Kate rarely referred to Michael Byrne as her father now. “We need the deeds of the farm. Deeds are papers that say you own it. We need those no matter what we decide to do.”

  Tess remained so lost in thought for the rest of the evening that she did not even draw. She had been through enough change and had looked forward to coming home for all those years and now, after only ten months, she would have to move again.

  The hospital had sent Tess a follow-up appointment in Dublin and Kate hoped to organise an appointment with the solicitor the same day. Kate worried that Tess might not want to return to the hospital and had not told her yet and tonight was definitely not the right time.

  Chapter 45

  1981

  Dermot Lynch sat at his father’s bedside, hating the quiet, white starched world of the hospital ward. It was now six weeks since Dan Lynch’s stroke and while he had initially shown signs of improvement, a bout of pneumonia had weakened him. He was asleep almost all of the time but when he opened his eyes he thought Dermot was his own brother who had died of TB as a young man. Although he had regained some speech he was difficult to understand and talked about the war as though it was still happening and asked Dermot had he seen Annie, Dermot’s aunt who was long since dead. One night he called for his mother, Dermot’s grandmother, as his temperature raged and he did not instantly recognise his wife or any of his children until they reminded him who they were.

  Dermot could hear the slow, hypnotic tick of the large wooden clock that hung on the opposite side of the ward. A statue adorned every windowsill of the long narrow room. Dermot found the silence oppressive and found himself hoping that an end would soon come. He hoped that his father would recover enough to return home or, if this wasn’t to be, that he would soon pass away peacefully and without pain. Dermot’s father coughed hard and his body shook violently as his face turned red with the sudden exertion. He opened his eyes as the nurse placed the oxygen mask back onto his face.

  Dermot slumped back in the hard hospital chair and thought about Kate. So much time had passed now that he was sure he would never hear from her again.

  Initially he had been pleased to be back here which surprised him as he had left on such bad terms. It was a chance to work things out with his father whom he felt sometimes knew he was there, beside him. But as time passed his longing for Árd Glen, for Kate, grew. He was surprised at how much he missed the place itself. His initial pleasure in the familiar landscape of Galway had passed and now the heavy rain and incessant westerly winds were gradually getting to him, driving him back where he felt he now belonged.

  In Árd Glen Deirdre O’Connell was sitting with Kate in the kitchen, several thoughts burned in her mind. She was glad to see that Kate was recovering and noticed she was starting to “show”, a small bulge sticking out from her painfully thin frame. Kate had not spoken once about the baby. Deirdre felt she and Kate had become good enough friends for her to ask questions she would not normally ask in her professional capacity. She finished her tea and, placing her cup onto the table, took a slow deep breath and began.

  “Have you thought about the baby, Kate? I mean, thought of talking to Dermot?”

  Deirdre knew that she was going about this the wrong way when she saw Kate look crossly at her from across the table.

  “Kate, I know it’s none of my business but I am worried about how you’ll cope on your own. Would you consider talking to Dermot? Telling him you’re pregnant?”

  Kate shook her head. “I can’t tell Dermot, Deirdre. My mother was pregnant getting married and, well, it ruined her life. I don’t want him to feel he has to marry me. If he comes back of his own free will and things are all right between us, I’ll tell him then.”

  “Would you not even ring him, tell him you miss him?”

  “No. It will have to come from him. I couldn’t live my life thinking he pitied me, Deirdre.”

  “How will you manage for money, Kate?”

  “I’ve been thinking about that. We can’t keep the farm, it’s too much work for Tess and me and I’ll have a child to mind. Anyway, I really don’t know enough about running a farm. Seán was taught about it but I mostly helped my mother inside. I know a little, but definitely not enough. Tess has an appointment at the hospital on Tuesday in Dublin and I’ve made an appointment with the solicitor my father used in Dublin to get a copy of the deeds.”

  “Did Seán leave a will?” Deirdre asked gingerly, aware that the mention of her older brother still made Kate tense up.

  “No, but he didn’t have to. Tess actually owns the farm.”

  “Tess?” O’Connell raised her eyebrows in surprise.

  “It’s a long story, Deirdre,” Kate replied, lowering her head.

  Deirdre knew when to back off and changed the subject. “Kate, there’s something I have been waiting to discuss with you until you felt a little better. Remember I brought Tess’s paintings to the manager in Marshall’s Art and Craft Centre?”

  Kate nodded, slightly disinterested for she was used to Tess’s unusual view of life that she so regularly reflected in her paintings.

  “He said they were worth money. He was interested in buying them. Might be worth looking into, Kate.”

  Kate looked up, surprised. While she could see Tess could paint well, she had always found her sister’s paintings a little creepy.

  “He said the two caterpillars, or whatever they are, in the painting are people Tess knows.”

  Kate stared at her and then rose and left the room, returning with the nightmare painting of the lake. She placed it on the table and, sitting, looked closely at the two red-headed insects that stood in the centre of the painting. Then she sat back, amazed. “I think that’s supposed to be Seán! I never noticed that before! I wonder why she painted him like that? It looks like he is a butterfly changing into a caterpillar. See how his wings are withering? God knows what goes through my sister’s mind. Strange . . .”

  “Who is the other redhead? See, it has a broken tooth.”

  Kate shook her head. She couldn’t think of anyone else with red hair. “I don’t know,” she said, puzzled, sha
king her head.

  Kate and Deirdre stared at the painting for a few seconds more, neither woman able to make any sense of it.

  “Well, I’d better go. I’m heading out tonight,” Deirdre announced then.

  “You don’t sound too excited,” Kate replied.

  “Well, you know me and my dates. They usually end in disaster!” Deirdre laughed. “Remember the last fellow who wanted someone to look after his mammy?”

  Both women fell about laughing. Deirdre had certainly met some strange ones and she and Kate had many a laugh about her “romances” over a cup of tea.

  As Deirdre pulled away, Kate felt slightly envious of her friend. She wished she knew that kind of excitement and independence but now, with a child growing inside her, she knew her life would always revolve around caring for others and the lack of freedom that such responsibility brought.

  Chapter 46

  1981

  Kate decided to take the early morning bus to Dublin. She had never driven there on her own before and was worried that the old car her Uncle Jimmy had given her might not make the journey anyway. Black smoke had begun to bellow out of its exhaust and she didn’t have the money to get it fixed. She knew she could ask her uncle to look at it for her but her pregnancy was beginning to show and, while she could go to town with a big coat on her, she couldn’t do that in the house. She wondered why she was trying to keep it a secret as sooner or later people would find out. “Like mother, like daughter!” she could imagine them saying.

  Tess was happy to be taking the bus which would get them into the bus terminus at nine twenty-five. Her appointment at the hospital wasn’t until eleven so Kate had promised her tea and scones in Bewleys before they made their way to see Dr Cosgrove. Tess hoped Dr Cosgrove wasn’t going to ask her about the lake and had dreamt about it the night before, a dream she had not had since she returned home. They had an appointment at the solicitor’s at two which Kate hoped would finish quickly so they could be on the five o’clock bus home. She had checked to see if she would have to pay on the day for the appointment and was relieved when the posh-sounding Dublin secretary assured her that her bill would be posted out by mail.