The You I Never Knew

by Susan Wiggs

  “Sure. Sam’s at work today.”

  “I know. I came to see Cody.”

  Bliss’s interest was so intense it was almost comical. “He’s in the barn.”

  Gavin said, “You want some help with that trap?”

  “No, thanks.” Bliss shuffled away on reluctant feet. “I’ve got it.” He deposited the trap on a flatbed sled hitched to a snowmobile. “Better be going. We’ve had a cat prowling around lately.”

  “Let me know if that thing works. I’ve had trouble with mountain lions myself the past couple of years,” Gavin said as Bliss started the engine and rode off. Gavin stood between the truck and the barn, undecided. There was no need for him to stay, but he didn’t feel like going just now either.

  Tammi Lee hesitated at the barn door. “Hey, Gavin?”

  “Yeah?”

  “Maybe you could, um, introduce us.”

  For the first time since finding her on the side of the road, he smiled. He didn’t blame her, feeling nervous about meeting a sixteen-year-old grandkid she never knew about. Cody was enough to make anybody nervous. “Sure,” he said. “Of course.”

  They went into the barn together. The fecund smells of hay and molasses oats and manure filled the air and, somewhere, a radio played terrible music designed to drive people crazy.

  “I’m no square in the music department,” Tammi Lee whispered to Gavin. “Does this count as music?”

  He made an exaggerated show of covering his ears. “Welcome to Cody’s world.”

  They spotted him cleaning a stall. Oblivious to the visitors, he had a pretty good rhythm going with the shovel, bending to load, then swinging up to deposit the load in a wheelbarrow.

  “Too bad Sam got to the kid first,” Gavin commented, surprised to see him working so industriously. “He would be pretty useful around Blue Rock.”

  “You should give him some chores,” said Tammi Lee, her stare devouring Cody. “I bet he’d work for both of you.”

  “When I first laid eyes on the boy, I didn’t think he’d turn out to be good for much of anything. To me, he looked like every reason I never watch MTV.”

  Tammi Lee crossed her arms in front of her, leaning against a post. “Then you forgot the cardinal rule of kids.”

  “What’s that?”

  “Underneath the most terrible attitude and the most terrible clothes, he’s just a kid.”

  “I don’t have much experience with kids.”

  “Me neither.” Apprehensive as a nervous filly, she took a step toward Cody.

  “You okay?” he asked, surprised by her hesitation.

  “Look, I didn’t do so hot with Sam,” she said. “I don’t want to blow it with Sam’s son.”

  Gavin’s heart took an unexpected lurch. Suddenly it struck him that getting off the bottle had been a struggle for her, a battle, a war. And that she was never really safe from a relapse.

  Without thinking, he took her hand. “Come on. I’ll introduce you.”

  Reaching for the radio, he switched it off.

  Cody’s uncertain tenor voice kept singing, then broke off. “Hey, what the—” He stopped himself again when he saw Gavin and Tammi Lee.

  “Sorry about that.” Gavin grinned in a friendly fashion. But he’d screwed up already, embarrassing the kid.

  “You shouldn’t sneak up on people like that.” Cody set aside his shovel and peeled off one glove, inserting his finger up under his cap where the edge of his bandage showed.

  “Your head all right?” Gavin asked.

  “It itches.”

  “I brought someone for you to meet. This is Sam’s mother, Tammi Lee Gilmer.”

  He felt her give his hand a squeeze before she took the final step toward Cody. For someone Gavin barely knew, she was easy to read. The woman was petrified. And moved—he could see that in the tremor at the edge of her smile, in the extra sparkle in the corner of her eye.

  “Hey, Cody,” she said in her cigarette voice. “This is such a surprise. I couldn’t wait to meet you.”

  He quit scratching. After a second, he held out his hand. She took it briefly.

  “Hi,” he said.

  “I guess you’d better call me Tammi, or Tammi Lee,” she said.

  “Not Granny or Grandma?” Gavin asked in a teasing voice, trying to lighten the moment.

  “I sure wouldn’t mind,” she said in a rush of honesty that left her flushed. “But ‘Grandma’ is a name that has to be earned, don’t you think? Cody and I have only just met.”

  She folded her hands in front of her and studied his face. “You’re probably going to get sick of hearing this, but you look exactly like Sam did when he was young. Sam was just about the best-looking kid in town.”

  The boy shrugged. He was a little lacking in the poise department, Gavin observed. Too much time plugged into Nintendo? He didn’t know. There was too much he didn’t know about this boy.

  “Cody,” Tammi Lee said, “I don’t want to embarrass you. I don’t want to push myself on you. But if you don’t mind, maybe we could spend a little time together sometime.”

  “I have to work,” he said bluntly.

  “Oh,” she said. Her fingers knit together. “I make a mean homemade pizza,” she added.

  He nodded noncommittally and pulled on his glove. “I’d better get after it then.”

  “See you around, maybe,” Tammi Lee said.

  “Maybe.”

  Gavin walked away with her. The music came back on. They stopped to look in on the mare with the new baby, leaning against the half door and admiring the little one. Gavin chanced a look at her, and wasn’t surprised to see a tear tracking down her cheek.

  “Hey, he’s just a jerky little kid,” he said, handing her a bandanna from his pocket.

  “I didn’t expect him to fall into my arms. But Jesus Christ, I wanted to hold him.” Her hands shook as she grasped the top of the stall door. “How I wanted to hold him.”

  Her stark, honest yearning touched Gavin. “I think we both missed out on that stage with Cody.”

  She blotted her cheeks and handed back the bandanna. “I guess what makes me so sad is that I missed out on a lot of that with Sam, too. Some things you just learn too late.”

  An old twinge nagged at Gavin. Seventeen years ago, he’d made up his mind about Tammi Lee and Sam—and he’d been wrong.

  “I better go call about my car,” she said.

  As they reached the barn door, the loud music cut off. Tammi Lee and Gavin turned back. Cody stepped out into the breezeway.

  “Hey… Tammi Lee.” He sounded uncertain as he spoke her name.

  “Yeah?”

  “What kind of pizza?”

  A smile broke across her face. “Whatever you like, hon. Whatever you like.”

  Chapter 23

  Sam’s snow tires crackled on the drive as he turned into his farm. He was surprised to see Gavin Slade’s Ford 350 parked outside the barn. Damn, what was Gavin doing here?

  Sam pulled up to the house and spotted a light on in the kitchen. He stopped on the back porch, amazed to see his mother offering a steaming mug to Gavin Slade.

  Sam paused to collect himself. His first meeting with Gavin Slade had set in motion events no one could have predicted. When Sam was seventeen, his mom’s car had died in the parking lot of the Truxtop Café in Crystal City. The owner, above average in the decency department, had arranged a tow to McEvoy’s Garage and had given Tammi Lee a job. A few inquiries steered Sam to Blue Rock. Good reputation, rodeo stock contractor. The kind of operation a cowboy dreamed of.

  Gavin’s foreman had taken one look at Sam in the saddle and summoned the boss. Sam’s physique had always worked in his favor. He was tall and rangy with long hands and a relaxed way that gave people—and horses—confidence.

  “Well, you look like a cowboy. Can you ride like one?” Gavin had wanted to know.

  Digging in his heels, Sam had demonstrated on the borrowed quarter horse.

  “How’d you get here
?” Gavin had asked.

  “Walked.”

  “From town? That’s six miles.”

  Sam made no comment. Gavin hired him on the spot.

  Sam had been quietly fascinated by the parade of glitterati that came to call on the famous actor. He recognized faces from old movies, late-night talk shows, celebrity game shows. Beautiful women and well-dressed men came seeking favor, for after retiring from movies, Gavin Slade became a respected producer, picking and choosing his projects with care.

  Gavin had entered Sam in a few local roping events. The purses at the small shows didn’t amount to much, but Sam had a taste of something he hadn’t sampled before—possibility.

  Fate had worn a yellow ponytail, expensive riding clothes, and a soft-eyed, dreamy look that made him forget his place in the world.

  Damn. The boss’s daughter.

  Could he have been more stupid?

  Sam yanked open the kitchen door. Gavin was a charmer, a ladies’ man. What the hell did he want with Tammi Lee?

  “Hey, Mama.” Sam took off his hat, holding out his hand. “Gavin.”

  “Good to see you.” Gavin flashed a smile, but his eyes stayed cool, wary.

  “I had car trouble,” Tammi Lee explained. “Gavin gave me a lift out here.”

  Sam relaxed a little. That seemed innocent enough. But he didn’t kid himself about Gavin Slade. The old man had considered him ranch-hand scum, not good enough for his daughter. That in itself might have been forgivable, but Gavin had played hardball. Even the ruse with the missing money had been understandable, if not forgivable. What Sam couldn’t ever forget, though, was that Gavin’s schemes had knocked Tammi Lee in the dirt when she was already down.

  “I wanted to meet Cody,” Tammi Lee continued.

  “He was feeling well enough to come to work.” Pride touched Gavin’s voice. “Frankly, I was glad to see it. A little work sure can’t hurt the kid.”

  “So you met him, Ma?” Sam studied the lined and faded face, and he sensed the sadness that always seemed to linger at the edge of her mood. For as long as he could remember, he had felt responsible for that sadness. He knew it wasn’t his fault, but he’d give anything to banish it.

  “Gavin introduced us,” she said. “I won’t bullshit you, Sam. We’re not the Waltons.”

  “I hope he was civil, at least.”

  She waved her hand. “I don’t think we’ll find much in common, but I’m glad we met. He’s a good-looking boy, Sam. Reminds me of you at that age.”

  Sam wondered if he’d had that same screw-you attitude. Maybe he had. Maybe bonking the boss’s daughter had as much to do with his attitude as his hormones.

  “Speaking of Cody, we’d better head out.” Gavin picked up his hat from the rack behind the door. “It’s getting dark.”

  Sam shot his mother a look. Had she been hanging out with Gavin Slade all afternoon? Telling himself it was none of his business, he went out to the barn. While Gavin warmed up his truck, Sam found Cody standing at the far end of the row of stables, his shoulder propped against the door. Sam was pleased to see all the equipment had been washed down and put up. He was a lot less pleased when he saw that Cody was smoking a cigarette.

  He tried to sound casual as he remarked, “Those things’ll kill you.”

  Cody turned quickly. A rebellious look shadowed his face. “It’s just something I do sometimes. I can quit anytime.”

  “How about now?”

  “I’ll choose the time.”

  “Well.” Grabbing a water hose, Sam twisted the spray nozzle and doused both Cody’s gloved hand and the cigarette. “I choose now.”

  “Hey!” Cody jumped back, shaking water from his hand. “That’s cold as hell.”

  “So don’t smoke around here anymore.”

  “I’ll do what I—”

  Sam held up the hose. “Don’t push me. I’m armed.”

  Cody flung off his glove in disgust. “You could have just asked me to put it out.”

  “I’m telling you to quit.”

  “And I’m telling you to get off my case.”

  They faced off, glaring like a pair of rival dogs. Sam refused to flinch, but so did Cody.

  “How’s your head?”

  “Itches. I better get going. ’Bye.” He stalked away, muttering under his breath.

  Welcome to parenthood, Sam thought. Christ, how did Michelle do it?

  Thursday

  Chapter 24

  Waking up was hard for Michelle at home. She had done her bedroom in soft aquas and golds, spent an absurd amount on bedding from Nordstrom’s, and invested in an imported eiderdown, the kind you sink into like a cloud. Her bedroom exuded comfort and luxury, and she responded by sleeping too long and too hard there.

  In Montana, she woke up at the crack of dawn and hurried like a child to the window to look out at the long fields and pastures of her father’s ranch. The sides of the mountains corrugated by the blue ripples of glaciers. The fall of light from the rising sun.

  And God knew what was going to happen each day.

  She got a clue when the early light glinted off a car parked in the circular drive in front of Gavin’s house. There was probably only one lime green Volkswagen bug in the Northwest.

  Michelle paused to check on Cody—dead asleep, a benefit of hard physical labor—then pulled on her old gray sweats, stuffed her feet into boots, and hurried across the compound to the main house. She entered through the kitchen, greeting Tadao in passing. The aromas of coffee and kidney-friendly roasted green tea wafted over her, but she was not hungry, just on fire to know what the hell was going on.

  Gavin and Natalie sat in the sunken living room before a roaring blaze. Gavin spotted Michelle first; he was in the middle of laughing, and the smile on his face lifted her heart. He stood up. “Hey, Michelle. Morning.”

  “Hi, Daddy. I see you’ve met Natalie.”

  “I certainly have.”

  “At about five o’clock this morning.” Natalie’s bangle bracelets and hoop earrings, silken head scarf and tie-dyed leggings, and especially her warm smile, were familiar and dear to Michelle.

  “Hey, you,” she said, holding out her arms.

  “Hey, you,” Natalie said back, standing up to give her a hug. “I tried to get here last night, but the old Volkswagen wouldn’t cooperate. I had to take a breather in Coeur d’Alene.”

  “You should have called, Nat.”

  “We talked, remember? You knew I was coming.”

  “Yes, but—” Normal logic didn’t work with Natalie Plum. Michelle sat down on the big leather sectional with them.

  Natalie’s eyes twinkled. “I acted as though I’d never seen a movie star before—”

  “You haven’t,” Michelle reminded her.

  “Well, that explains why I kept staring and stammering.” She sipped from her mug of coffee. “Your dad got all squirmy on me. You’d think he’s never been awakened at five in the morning by a crazed fan before.”

  Her father leaned back, crossing his booted feet at the ankles. “I admit it’s been a while.”

  He was loving this, loving every minute of it. His need to put his face in front of millions of people was nearly as strong now as it had been at the height of his career in the movie business. There were those who hungered for recognition, even though it didn’t necessarily mean anything to them except recognition. She thought it was true in her father’s case. Anyway, he was far from annoyed by Natalie’s breathless admiration.

  “So we’ve been up talking for a couple of hours.” Natalie sent him a look of melting sympathy. “You should go back to bed now. I feel so guilty getting you up.”

  “I’m an early riser. And this visit was worth it.” He patted his hand on a stack of fat photo albums on the coffee table.

  “You brought those from Seattle,” Michelle said, sounding slightly accusing.

  “You bet I did, girlfriend.” Natalie sent her a smile. “I can’t believe you forgot them.”

  Gu
ilt stained her cheeks. To be honest, Michelle had never even thought of bringing the photo albums to show her father. Never even thought he’d be interested in snapshots of Cody’s first birthday, or the bike Santa brought him one year, or his first day of school.

  “I loved the pictures, Michelle,” her father said quietly. “More than you can know. I’m proud of you for the life you’ve built for yourself and Cody.”

  She blinked, startled. Since she arrived at Blue Rock, they had avoided talking about certain topics. Dr. Temple and the social worker on the transplant team had been saying how important it was to discuss personal stuff, family stuff. They gave Michelle and Gavin some little blank books for writing down thoughts and feelings. Michelle’s was still blank. She bet Gavin’s was, too. So his statement about being proud of her took her by surprise.

  Putting his hands on his knees, he got up, his thick heather gray sweater looking warm and comfortable on his big, lean frame. The bulkiness of the knit camouflaged the dialysis bag. “Chores,” he explained. “I’ve got a meeting with the arena director.”

  “See you around, pardner,” Natalie said in an exaggerated, corny drawl.

  “Jake turned on the heat in the bungalow next to Michelle’s. If you need anything, holler.”

  “It’s all perfect, Gavin. Thank you for welcoming me.”

  “My pleasure, ma’am.” He went out through the kitchen, and Michelle drummed her fingers on the arm of the couch, trying to figure out if he was flirting with her best friend or not.

  Natalie and Michelle sat alone in the living room, watching morning sunlight steal across the hand-painted tile floor. Michelle picked up a plaid pillow, tossed it at her, saying, “You bitch.”

  She caught the pillow, laughing. “You have no idea.”

  Suspicion stole into Michelle’s radar range. “I don’t?”

  Natalie propped her sock feet on the leather-bound albums. “I figured your dad would want to see the old family photos. But I really brought them for you to show Sam McPhee.”

  “God, you really are a bitch.”

  “You have to show him. You have to let him in on Cody’s whole history.”

  “I don’t have to do squat.”