"What are you asking, Javier?"
Before he could answer, Raul entered the kitchen, and asked, "Esteban, did you call Mom?"
"No. I forgot, I'm calling her right now." Then Esteban squinted at Javier and shook his head before heading for the living room. Raul served himself coffee after offering Javier some, which he turned down.
Raul sipped a few times, and standing next to Javier whispered, "You like Esteban, right?"
"Yes, he has been very kind to me."
"Maybe you can return the favor. He will be back to the church in a few days if something dramatic doesn't happen," Raul confided.
"How do you know?"
"This is the third time he has tried to quit. The only thing that could prevent him from going back to his sanctity is a carnal sin that he wished to repeat often."
Javier faced him, ignoring how seductive he looked with his wet hair and wrapped in a bathrobe.
"And why are you telling me this?" Javier demanded.
Raul smiled and the way he looked him up and down confirmed his suspicion that poor Diego didn't stand a chance if this person was in seducing mode. Esteban had no idea of who his brother really was.
"My bedroom is the one across from yours, I have condoms in the nightstand drawer, and I won't be back until the morning. Make him sin, badly." He drawled the last words.
Openmouthed, Javier watched Raul walking away while the words carnal sin flashed in his mind in red neon lights.
****
After Raul left, Esteban and Javier had dinner in an enervating silence. Later on, Esteban refused his help to clean the kitchen and suggested Javier take some time for himself because he also needed a break. Javier found the room Raul assigned to him really nice, and in that moment, a real shelter.
Feeling like a kid sent to his room, Javier wondered if following Esteban around was right, maybe he was imposing, but he didn't want to go back to his parents, and he liked being with Esteban. There were so many things he wanted to talk with him about. In that moment, he recalled Esteban's expression looking at the picture of the kids, it had been tender, but it changed when Raul asked if he wanted his own. So, Esteban didn't want any kids, or didn't plan to father any.
Did this confirm that he was gay? He didn't give away any signs at all, and Javier always prided himself on having a great gay-radar. Who knows? He might be getting old or out of practice.
He grimaced, he would be lucky if he reached an older age. Unless Esteban kicked him out, he would stay by him as long as he could. Javier couldn't afford to waste any chance of any kind, and this man was something he didn't want to miss. Even if Esteban left the church, Javier knew that didn't mean he was anxious to have sex with the first person who proposed it.
Shaking his head he tried to convince himself that the attraction for Esteban was not erotic, it was simply his need to feel protected and accepted, and Esteban radiated security for him.
He remembered Raul's words. If he said such things then he knew what his brother preferred, right?
The knock on the door startled him, and he opened it with trembling hands, finding Esteban outside, dressed in buttoned-down pajamas with a pair of rimless eyeglasses hanging on his nose.
The man had a doctorate on un-sexy-ness, but who cared if he was dressed for Halloween, Javier's goal was undressing him. Yes, scratch any regretful thoughts, he was game.
"I'm checking to be sure you're okay."
"I'm okay."
"Good, I'll be sleeping at the end of the hall, don't hesitate to call me if you need anything."
"Sure, I will, thanks."
"Good night."
He took a few steps before turning and saying, "I'm sorry, if I was rude earlier, but I'm not used to being with anybody for so many hours."
"It's fine, no offense here. You smell good, which cologne is it?"
He lifted a brow and adjusted his eyeglasses. "Aramis Classic."
"Oh, nice. Well, I'm taking a shower too, before going to bed."
"We are going to Hoboken tomorrow afternoon for sure. Feel free to sleep late if you like that."
Translation, stay out of my way. Yeah, right. In your dreams, thought Javier. Aloud he said, "Thanks, I love to sleep late in the mornings."
This time Esteban walked down the hall until he disappeared. Javier closed the door and leaned into it.
No way, he would never be laid again; he didn't have the courage to seduce anybody.
By the time he got out of the shower, he decided to try; he played with the idea of showing up only with a towel and some silly excuse, but discarded it for being too blunt. In the end, he did something even blunter.
After dressing up with a T-shirt and shorts, he knocked on the door where Esteban slept. As soon as said door opened, he scurried into the room without being invited and stood in the middle of it. Esteban had not gone to sleep yet, and without closing the door simply observed him as if trying to understand the motivation of Javier's behavior. The green eyes behind the pair of rimless eyeglasses were wise and tender.
"What is it now, Javier?"
Javier walked to the door and closed it. Even knowing they were alone, he wanted to make sure the intimate atmosphere was complete. This time Esteban scowled. "What are you doing?"
"You said that if I needed anything I could come here and ask."
"Yes, but…"
Javier stepped into his space, so close he could feel his breath. "I need a hug, a simple hug, please."
"I don't think this is a good idea."
"Why not? You're bigger than me, why are you so afraid?"
"I'm not afraid of you, but me. You're used to a different lifestyle, and I've always lived following tradition."
"Break with it."
"I'm a lonely man; despite my family, I'm essentially alone. Somehow, I'm used to that, but if I share my time with you, and you leave me, it will be devastating for me. So, it's better if we don't play these games."
"Why should I leave you?"
"Because you're young, and I'm not. If I had been a promiscuous teenager, I could have been old enough to be your father."
"Nonsense. My dad is in his sixties. Besides, Mauricio was about your age."
Impressed, Esteban rasped. "I'm not Mauricio. If you're seeking a substitute for him, you're in the wrong place."
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to imply that."
Javier felt Esteban's hand lifting to his chin, the eyes behind the glasses searching his. "Listen, right now, we're a big mess, the both of us, and somehow our present stage is related to Mauricio's death."
That last statement got all his attention, what was Esteban talking about?
"Very few people knew this, but I was in love with Mauricio for many years, and he loved me too."
"What exactly did happen between the two of you?"
For a moment, he thought Esteban would refuse to tell him, but letting go of his face, he sat on the bed while explaining. "I wish I could say that we had the most passionate romance ever. Sadly, it was the romance that never was. Mauricio and I loved one another in a sweet way, and stayed in touch until his death. That is it."
"Do you really expect me to believe that it was only platonic? Come on, Esteban, I was married to the man, I know very well how little patience he had for sweet and tender love."
By the way Esteban looked back and forth between his hands and Javier, it was obvious he considered his next words.
"Your relationship with him was real, while mine was a fantasy of sorts. We probably kissed a couple of times, but that was it, because I tried not to touch him to avoid temptation."
"Oh, God Esteban, I know you are telling the truth, but it's so hard to understand why you held back your passion so much." When Esteban fixed his gaze ahead, Javier added. "I'm sorry I forgot the whole celibate vows thing."
Javier sat next to him and perceived how Esteban started and froze, but remained in his place, before saying, "We found out that we were in love shortly after joining
the seminary, and we were supposed to be chaste."
All Javier could do was to open his eyes in awe. "Mauricio wanted to be a priest?"
The question brought a timid smile to Esteban's mouth. "Mauricio's vocation was more for me than for the church, so when he couldn't take it anymore he left, but I became a celibate priest."
"Why didn't you guys leave together?"
"Because I'm a coward, yes, that was why." He paused and breathed before admitting. "I feared my family, the church, my friends, everything. I loved him in silence and from the biggest distance I could put between us. Though I never knew what I lost until he married you."
Javier studied his expression, but Esteban kept looking ahead. "You must have hated me."
"No. How could I? I said that I loved him, and when you love someone you want that person to be happy."
"I guess so."
"Well, he was happy thanks to you. I won't deny I felt jealous, but it was only for a short period of time. I sublimated my feelings for him into the real friendship that should have always been. At the time of his death, I was at peace."
"So why are you a mess now?"
"Javier, I'm still a coward."
"Don't you crave someone's touch?"
"There was a time I did, but I learned to live without it."
He stood and walked to the door, Javier imagined he would leave him there in any moment.
"Hey, this is your room don't go please. I don't want to disturb you, but I got confused." Javier paused because they reached the door and Esteban turned around facing him, a few inches taller than his own six feet, Javier had to raise his head to look him in the eyes, but instead he focused his gaze on Esteban's full mouth.
Javier stepped forward, Esteban circled him going back to the bed, and Javier followed him. "Esteban, there is something between us that isn't about friendship, and I perceived it as soon as I met you."
"I agree, that's why I think it's dangerous for us to be alone. Please go back to your room."
In that moment, Javier noticed the briefcase with the letters over the nightstand next to bed. Apparently, Esteban had been reading his own letters.
"You miss him too?" Esteban followed his sight to the briefcase before answering.
"Of course, he was the love of my life." His voice broke off at the end.
"Oh, Esteban, I'm so sorry, I came here to…" Javier trailed off because he came to this room to seduce him, and they were talking about their mutual lost love. Javier felt ashamed of what he tried to do and Esteban told him, "I know why you came here, and I understand. I've never been a sexual person, but I know there are people who only can relate to another through sex."
He gently pulled Javier until he sat next to him on the bed.
"Mauricio was like that too. I loved him, and somehow he loved me too, but you were the love of his life."
"Really? When you told me what happened between the two of you, I thought that you were the one he loved the most."
"Before he met you, he used to tell me all the details of his affairs, which were so many I lost track eventually, and some I rather didn't know about. I lived vicariously through him. Somehow he experienced the world while I stayed in my little cocoon."
"That's something I would have never guessed."
Javier couldn't find anything else to say, so he waited for Esteban to continue.
"It took me months after he died to guess it myself, we had a symbiotic relationship. I comforted him and supported him, while he entertained me with his anecdotes of a life I would never enjoy. When he met you, something changed. He no longer wanted to share his intimacy with me, which hurt me, but at the same time, relieved me. Today, I'm glad he didn't."
After saying those words he picked a book that was next to the briefcase and pulled a letter he handed to Javier. "This is the letter he sent me after he met you. We continued writing to each other, but less frequently."
When Javier hesitated to read it, Esteban took the envelope and pulled the letter from inside, giving it again to him.
"Go ahead, read this part, it's all right."
Javier recognized Mauricio's handwriting, and read aloud the paragraph Esteban pointed out.
"My beloved friend, you helped me to make this life easygoing while being my faithful confidant, but I've fallen in love as deeply as I've never told you before. Please forgive me because in the future I won't be sharing the intimate details of my love life with you."
The written words affected Javier in an unexpected manner.
"See? You were the one he loved the most."
Esteban's words were simply stating what he thought true, no resentment, only pain. Javier tried to hold the tears, but ended up giving up, he really hadn't had the chance to cry for Mauricio with someone who understood his loss. Despite that, in the instant Esteban took him into his arms, Javier changed pain for hope.
The hope of one day being sheltered by Esteban's love, which he anticipated capable of erasing the suffering clung to his exhausted young flesh. Esteban's reserved demeanor contrasted with the heat his strong hands delivered every time they roamed over his back while trying to calm him down. The gesture was comforting, but enticing as well.
Esteban didn't know what to do, he had comforted others in the past, but someone like Javier never. He could see how the younger man trembled, how he looked about to break down, and remembered what Diego said. If Javier got depressed, his immune system might be affected. Also what Mauricio wrote to him, and darn, Esteban wanted to hold him in his arms. Period.
He knew that the lingering memories of Mauricio was enough to keep them from getting intimate, at least for tonight.
Esteban knew that if he continued spending time with Javier something would happen sooner or later. He didn't need to wait for the Pope to dispense his celibate promise, which was the protocol, but in his case it might never come, because it was only granted if a former priest needed to marry, and the kind of union he had in mind wasn't acknowledged by the Vatican.
Besides, there was nothing bad in holding someone who needed comfort, except Esteban needed the embrace more than Javier. He finally had raised both arms and held him. Javier felt warm, strong yet vulnerable when he murmured.
"I'm sorry, I'm acting like a drama queen."
"It's okay. I know how bad you feel, and you must be tired, it has been a long day."
Both ended laying over the bed, Javier leaning on him, and Esteban decided for one night he could be close to someone without regretting it; although, later when Javier muttered against his chest, "It feels so good in your arms that I want to stay in here forever."
Esteban wondered if this weakness would eventually have a higher price, and thought of leaving Javier sleeping there alone, but couldn't move. Because seeing him there with him, was a reflection of what could be his life. If Javier felt good between his arms, Esteban found his reason to live holding him.
Chapter 6
When they arrived at Hoboken, Raul drove off as soon as they got out of the car. Somehow, Javier was glad, because Esteban and he had fallen asleep in the same bed, and although nothing happened, he'd lost his heart again and didn't feel like sharing the news with anybody. Especially not with Raul, who had mistaken the bed sharing for something else, and given Javier a thumbs up behind Esteban's back. How did one explain to Mr. Lust the possibility of sleeping with someone without fucking the person mindlessly?
Now, he found himself standing next to Esteban in front of a big stone townhouse. Like most houses on that street, it had a staircase leading from the sidewalk to the door, which opened in a small foyer that led to another staircase. A door next to the interior staircase opened and Diego walked through it.
His brother-in-law had the most warming smile he'd ever seen in anyone, and Javier was grateful for the fact that he didn't look at all like Mauricio. They had different fathers, so while Mauricio was tall and light skinned, Diego at about five feet tall plus some inches, barely reached Javier's shoulder. He
hugged him closely, and Javier welcomed the embrace. He needed that warm body offering comfort without sexual expectancies from either party. Diego felt skinnier than he remembered him, and he had dark circles under his eyes, which were obvious despite his olive skin.
"It's so nice to see you, Javier."
His voice was soft-spoken, but full of energy.
"Yes, I'm glad to be here too."
"How are you doing?"
"Much better."
They separated and Diego looked him up and down as if doing his own evaluation. His black eyes were wise beyond his age, and his shoulder length dark hair started to show some gray. In that moment, Javier realized that he had the same nose as Mauricio, fine, but aquiline.
Dressed in a beige turtleneck and jeans, he looked younger than the forty-something Javier knew he was. He held him once more before letting him free—Diego's complete persona was beautiful, inside and out.
"Let's go in; I prepared that gingerbread you like so much."
In that moment, Esteban asked Diego for the key to his place. "As usual, I forgot mine."
Diego searched the multitude of keys with colored labels hanging from his belt, picked one and handed it to Esteban. To Javier he said, "Come with me, let me show you where you will be staying."
Esteban had climbed a few steps before turning around and saying, "Javier, this is the best place for you right now, trust me. Diego is a better friend than me. See you around."
He went upstairs leaving Javier disturbed. That was it. He'd handed him to someone else and left. Not that Javier knew him better than Diego. Good, if he didn't want him around, so be it.
While drinking coffee and eating gingerbread, Javier met some of the other residents of the house. There were two young women living with Diego on the first floor. In addition, on the second floor, two other older women with what Javier counted as seven children. Diego explained to Javier that the Hidalgo Foundation had a shelter for the homeless, but that sometimes if the place was full, he brought home some families until they could find a permanent home.
A Magnetic Couple Dilemma (Unfinished Liaisons Series) Page 5