Cosmopolitan Girls

by Charlotte Burley

  “Are you kidding me? You don’t understand. You’ve never been in my shoes, Faith. I have a plan for my life!” I was striking out at everyone.

  “Well, you should’ve thought about that before!” Faith yelled.

  “I’m getting rid of it!”

  “What! You can’t have an abortion. A woman in your position has no excuse.” Faith paused and lowered her voice. “You need to relax and pray. Ask God for strength. Lindsay, you know how to pray if you don’t know how to do anything else.”

  “I gotta go!” I said and hung up. I just couldn’t be a single mother.

  I was always so determined to get what I wanted in my life, but now I had to take a hard look at my life. I needed God more than ever, but I wouldn’t allow myself to see that. I got up and started my long walk home.

  I was in my first trimester and having a hard time, light-headed from throwing up all afternoon. Lying in bed recuperating, I figured now was as good a time as ever to tell Troy about the baby. Even if I wasn’t going to keep it, he had a right to know. I slowly dialed his number.

  “Hello?” A woman’s voice answered on the other end. “Hello?” she asked again and I paused. It sounded like she was still in bed. “Um, hello, is Troy in?” I finally answered.

  “Hold on a sec.”

  I was trying to hold myself together to handle business. Troy fumbled with the receiver.

  “Hello?”

  “Troy, um, it’s Lindsay. We need to talk.”

  “Can this wait? I’m kinda busy right now.”

  I wasn’t going to let what was happening on the other end stop me from getting out what I needed to say.

  “Look, I need to see you.”

  “Why don’t you just call me later?”

  I didn’t want it to be this way, but he was forcing me.

  “I’m pregnant, Troy.”

  He was quiet at first, then he chuckled. “Fine, how much do these things cost now? Three, four hundred?”

  I was astounded. Clearly, my situation wasn’t new to him. Troy offered up money, like he knew he could write me off at whatever the cost.

  “You can’t be serious?”

  “I’m very serious, Lindsay. By the way, I saw the clothes you cut up.”

  “Troy, did you just hear what I said?”

  “And did you just hear what I said? Look, it’s all good. I know you were under a great deal of mental anguish after we broke up. I’m gonna let it all slide,” Troy said with sarcasm. “This conversation’s over, Lindsay.”

  He hung up and I threw the phone across the room with a vengeance. I crawled out of bed nauseous and dizzy. I was thunderstruck by what had just happened. Did I ever know Troy at all? I made it to the bathroom just in time as vomit spewed from my mouth. After what seemed to be an eternity, I collapsed on the bathroom floor and cried until I fell asleep.

  My body jolted from the sound of the train passing. My chest was heaving. I dragged myself to the patio door, opened it, and stepped out onto the balcony for some air. The world circled around me. Troy was ruthless, cold, and what was happening with me didn’t matter. He didn’t want a relationship with me or the baby. Out of frustration, I screamed as loud as I could, but the city’s noise was too overpowering and drowned me out.

  Chapter 36

  Movin’ On Up

  Lindsay turned onto Ninety-eighth and Riverside Drive. This was our seventh apartment go-see for the week. We could have seen more, but our shopping and eating breaks were so much more enjoyable. “This ad sounds like a winner. Lord knows I’m ready to escape from Michael’s prison. Lindsay, it’s getting harder to ignore a person who really doesn’t give a damn about you anyway!” I said, neatly folding up the newspaper.

  “Charlie, you’re being dramatic again—”

  “Michael believes he’s so much more. Why can’t he get it through his thick head? She doesn’t give a damn about him,” I angrily interrupted.

  “When girlfriend finds out you left him, and she can have him all to herself, that’s when the game will be over and he’ll realize what he had, but it’ll be too late. There’s no better time than the present to remember rule number seven: ‘God gave you those two feet, so stand on them, girl’!’” Lindsay said, reassuring me.

  She pulled up in front of a prewar building. I could see the old-fashioned elevator from the street. I had always dreamed of living in a building with an elevator like this. I double-checked the address in the ad. It was correct. Lindsay was thinking the same thing, as she put on her glasses, triple-checking the information.

  “So far so good.” Lindsay gave an affirming nod and turned the car off.

  “Too good to be true is more like it. I love this block. Reminds me of The Cosby Show with all these brownstones.” I surveyed the street. I was wound up to get inside. “If the outside is any indication of what the actual apartment looks like, this place is mine,” I said, feeling optimistic.

  We walked up the front stairs and I pressed the doorbell as we crossed our fingers for luck. A tall white-haired man in his late sixties appeared.

  “Hello, I’m Mr. Baxter and you must be Charlie? You’re on time too, I like that,” he said, shaking our hands, welcoming us inside. The place was beautiful. The wooden accents looked historic and classy.

  “I don’t live here anymore. Retired and can’t take the bitter winters. I’m living in Florida now. That’s why I’m letting it go for such a cheap price,” he said.

  The master bedroom was stark white, bright, and warm from the sun. My own piece of heaven, I thought. The bathroom had an antique tub and a modern shower, but they somehow matched perfectly. There was another room that was big enough for an office or a small second bedroom. The kitchen was brand new. All the appliances were black and chrome, my favorite.

  “Mr. Baxter, I want this apartment,” I said confidently.

  “Do you smoke, have a pet, or kids or a boyfriend?” he quizzed.

  “No, no, double no, and not anymore I’m pleased to say.” I played right into his game.

  “Then you should be as quiet as a church mouse and clean as a nun,” Mr. Baxter laughed. Lindsay and I followed his lead. I would have done cartwheels if he wanted me to, anything for this apartment.

  “I do love playing my music, and every now and then I let my laundry pile up,” I said.

  “You’re honest. That’s good. If your application pans out, I see no reason why you can’t have it,” he said.

  I shook his hand graciously. “Don’t worry, it will pan out. Do you mind if we take another look around?”

  “No problem. I’ll be waiting outside in my car.”

  He left, and as soon as the coast was clear we let out big screams.

  “I love it! I must be dreaming. This place is perfect.” I dipped back into the spare room. Lindsay followed.

  “I could finally have a real office.”

  “Or this could serve as a second bedroom for your godson or goddaughter when they spend the weekend,” Lindsay said under her breath, then let loose a big smile.

  “A what? What did you say? I don’t have a godson or goddaughter.”

  “Not yet, but you will in about six months from now.” Lindsay was happy, but I couldn’t help it, I had to be some kind of sounding board for her. “No, no, no. Don’t tell me Shake is the father?”

  “No way! I doubled up on the condoms with him,” Lindsay laughed, then it hit me.

  “Oh my God, it’s Troy’s.”

  “Yes, and I know what you’re thinking. Don’t worry. I went to see my gynecologist. I’m STD-free,” Lindsay said defensively.

  “I’m happy you don’t have a disease, but sista, you’re in the dark. You think having his kid is going to make you and Troy live happily ever after?” I was concerned. Lindsay was not seeing the light.

  “Wait a minute! I’m not using this pregnancy to get back with him. I don’t even want Troy back, but I do want this baby.”

  “I’m not trying to rain on your parade, but you�
��ve been through a lot of shit with that jerk. Are you sure you want to have his baby? And do you really think Troy will be cooperative at this point?” I asked, hoping she would see how messed up things would be.

  “Like I said, it’s not about him. But I know he will understand and, in the end, he’ll do right by us,” Lindsay said without wavering.

  “Really? Your entire relationship with Troy was based on lies. The brotha just dogged you in the worst way.”

  “Can we move on already!”

  “What is it, Lindsay, that’s making you do this? Love, ego, insecurity?” I couldn’t understand her irrational behavior.

  “Look, I’m not getting any younger. I’m planning to buy a place and now I’ll have the baby. I may never get the husband, but two out of three isn’t bad. Charlie, it’s my baby and I want to keep it. Trust me, I know what I’m doing. Why are you giving me such a hard time? You’re supposed to be my girl.” Lindsay was upset and getting angry.

  Lindsay didn’t want to, but I had to force her to deal with the realities of having a child alone. “Exactly, I am your girl, and my job is to tell you when you’re making the biggest mistake of your life!” I was upset too.

  “Oh, I’m sorry. You’re the expert. You can’t even confront a man who sleeps in your bed night after night!” she yelled back.

  I leaned back to cool off. “Lindsay, what does Troy have to say about all this?”

  “I have everything—”

  “I know, under control, like you always do!” I smarted.

  “Listen, I don’t want to talk about it anymore.” Lindsay was pissed.

  “You can’t keep running away from the truth, Lindsay.”

  “Try looking in the mirror, Charlie!” Lindsay said as she walked to the door.

  Chapter 37

  Sobering Thoughts

  To my unborn child . . . I pray today for you, and I ask not only that God forgive me, but that your spirit does too.

  I waited until the last minute to go through with the abortion. The only comfort was Charlie being here with me.

  “Charlie, I’m sorry about the things I said that day at the apartment.”

  “Girl, it’s cool. When you’re good friends, you’re not out of line when you’re telling the truth.”

  “You’re getting good at this female bonding stuff.”

  “I know,” Charlie said, rolling her eyes and smiling. “So, how are you holding up?” she asked.

  “Tired, out of breath, and scared.” I was reconsidering having my family help me raise the baby. But was that what I really wanted? To raise a child and be tied to Troy forever?

  “What if I don’t want to do it?” I asked.

  “Surely you’re not getting cold feet?”

  “Look, I’m just worried. You know all this stuff in the media about career women and waiting too late to have kids. What if this is my only chance to have a baby and I blow it?”

  “Lindsay, I’m not happy about being here either and believe me I feel your pain. I’ve been where you are.”

  We clasped hands tightly.

  “I don’t think you’re ready for this. I’ve gotten to know you pretty well, and I know you’re not ready for this yet. I also know you deserve someone who’s gonna love you for you,” Charlie said, trying not to sound preachy. “If I’m not ready, I’m not having it. Simple as that. But you have to do what’s best for you. Raising a child is hard work, more than a notion, whether they are yours or not. Believe me. Every other weekend with Michael’s kids was no picnic.”

  “I just want the best for my child. I want things to be perfect,” I said.

  “And they can be, Lindsay. Don’t settle for being just another baby’s mama. More importantly, don’t settle for being eternally attached to an unworthy man.”

  Charlie made sense. I didn’t want to punish a new life and bring it into a world that I hadn’t conquered enough on my own.

  As the anesthesia took effect, I closed my eyes and prayed it would all be over soon.

  I woke up in a violent state, screaming, “No!” I balled up my fists as my body jerked forward. Bile disgorged from my mouth.

  “It’s just the anesthesia,” the nurse informed Charlie. “She’ll be fine.”

  Charlie was right there holding my hand.

  My two-way pager went off. “Lindsay, your butt better be on the way to Ian Schrager’s latest venture. The Hudson Hotel. Dinner in the Cafeteria. Drinks in the library, fire-side.” Judy always cluttered it with too much info. Unlike Tara’s simple voicemail: “See you tonight. The Hudson. Fifty-eight and Ninth. Smooches.”

  Tara and Judy both had started questioning why I hadn’t been hanging out as much lately. I wasn’t intentionally trying to shun them, but I needed time to heal and get over Troy. I was also feeling like my friendship with them had come to an impasse.

  I entered the library bar. The room was opulent, yet warm. Dark wood, the antique pool table, and large leather chairs evoked the character of a nineteenth-century social club. Tara and Judy lounged in front of a blazing fire. The panic of being a half hour late was all over my face. It had only been a week since the abortion and I still had to take it easy.

  “Lindsay, I’m starving! You know I’m hypoglycemic. What took you so long?” Judy whined.

  “I love you too,” I said, ignoring her bitching.

  “Enough already. Ladies, no cat fights,” Tara said, briskly walking over to the main bar, leaving Judy and me bringing up the rear. She wanted to examine the Who’s Who pit: a collection of people huddled around cocktail tables, some sat on Plexiglas stools, others in gilded Versace-like chairs. The eclectic design and fantastical murals made this place the hot ticket in town.

  “Nobodies!” Tara casually remarked as we continued into the dining room.

  The Hudson Cafeteria was quickly becoming my favorite chow spot. I loved the haute-comfort food. The open kitchen, with chefs tossing the contents of their skillets over raging flames, was a sight to watch. I especially loved the unpretentious communal seating arrangement.

  “Did you guys see the cover of Us magazine? Lindsay, you remember your boy Shake? Well, I hear he’s having another baby,” Judy said. I almost gagged on my chicken. Thank God, I never told them about me and Shake.

  “Yes, and Miss Thing already gets ten percent. That’s what I’m talking about! Who cares if the man is around or not? It’s about a check!” Tara said, stuffing her face with turkey meatloaf.

  I’m really glad I kept my mouth shut.

  “What kills me is that she is some gold-digging video dancer. I mean, why am I killing myself working so hard? I think we should stop trying to be high-powered bread-winning chicks. Let’s be dumb, unambitious, and get the money!” Judy interjected. “What do you think, Lindsay?”

  I wanted to stay away from the baby subject. “Oh, who cares about that stuff. Remember how much fun we used to have when we didn’t have decent bank accounts,” I said, abruptly changing the subject and giving the conversation an upbeat twist.

  Tara and Judy looked at me as if I wasn’t speaking English.

  “What are you talking about, Lin Lin?”

  “Come on, Tara, remember when your lights got cut off and we came over with candles,” I said, “eating pizza and making our own music by singing our favorite songs. Tell me you don’t miss our sleepovers?” I tried to take Tara and Judy with me, but they were not going there. “You can’t buy good memories like ours.”

  “Well, I’ll pay you to forget them,” Judy said.

  “I hope you don’t go around telling others,” Tara said. “That’s what you do when you’re broke and busted. We’re not either of those anymore, so no more walks down memory lane, please.” Tara was pissed. I felt like I was sitting with a total stranger.

  I didn’t know what to say next. I was lost. Here I was remembering our best times, times that I thought were the foundation of our friendship, and all Tara wanted to do was trash them. Something was happening to The Supremes— o
ne of them wanted a solo act: me.

  Chapter 38

  Food for Thought

  Charlie and I met at the corner of Sixth and Forty-second and proceeded into Bryant Park. Charlie handed me a brown paper bag. Lunch. The public library made the area peaceful and serene. Our search for a seat began.

  The park was packed. An adult recess for the business people taking in a little fun in the sun. Men with their ties undone and sleeves rolled up; women in skirts and sneakers instead of high heels. A smile was on almost every face.

  We lucked out when a couple left a bench facing a bright colorful rose garden free. The warmth of the bright sun blanketed our faces. We both smiled at our good fortune.

  I quickly grew comfortable with my sack lunch of a turkey sandwich and chips and got an urge to blurt out what had been paining me since leaving dinner with Tara and Judy the night before.

  “I think me and my buddies have moved in different directions.”

  Charlie stopped eating and shifted, taking her shoes off, crossing her legs Indian style.

  “I’ve been feeling this way for a while, but I didn’t want to deal with it.”

  “Lindsay, I think we’ve both been getting a heavy dose of reality lately.”

  “True,” I continued. “The last time I was at dinner with Tara and Judy I kept seeing it. We weren’t on the same wavelength at all. I couldn’t even have a conversation of substance with them. I spent an entire evening with two women who were supposed to be my closest, no, my best friends, and I walked away feeling vacant.”

  “Lindsay, this doesn’t mean you don’t like them, you’re just seeing that you’re not them. Girl, life is about change.”

  A lightbulb went off in my brain, and I felt like dropping logic I’d been harboring for months, maybe years. “At this point, Charlie, it’s beginning to feel very important that I associate with people who are trying to do something instead of just talking about wearing a two-hundred-dollar thingamajig and being invited to the best whatever.”

  “I hear you. It’s about being intellectually and spiritually stimulated,” Charlie agreed.