Monster Age

by GR Griffin

  At that moment, Undyne crouched down a bit. The troops holding her all compressed and caved inwards as if she was shrinking in size, all of them almost showing relief as they neared the ground. They believed they were successful in making her submit. Then, in one second, everything changed as Undyne recoiled out. All nineteen monsters burst outwards like a great big splash of bodies, and in the centre stood the fish lady with both arms outstretched toward the sky. The one latched to her boot remained. She swung her leg back and then forth, throwing him toward Fischer, who leaned to the right to easily dodge him.

  Such as amazing display of strength, and yet all Colonel Fischer could see were the words resisting arrest being bullet pointed beneath destruction of a lord’s property.

  With the weight off, Undyne resumed. “After you and your precious emperor kidnapped my friend?” Her voice was no longer drowned out against piles of grunts on her shoulders, but now against the moans of those around her. “And before that, one of his precious loser lords named Grill tried to marry me! Can you believe that? I’d only known the guy for, like, five minutes and he wanted to make me his twenty-fourth wife!”

  The colonel of the ranged division eyed the men and women under her command, splayed out in a sloppy circumference around the target. In actuality, she was buying time to ponder on the words said. Yes, Fischer thought, she could believe it. That Lord Grill imbecile hankered over any female he laid eyes on, including herself and all the ladies in the Monster Military. It might have been worse for the troops; there was something about the armour – about seeing a lady in uniform – that drove him bonkers. And, of course, whenever the troops, or herself, turned him down, he either interpreted it as playing hard-to-get or that he was too good for them. It was never the other way around.

  And now here she was, apprehending this suspect who committed a wrongdoing against a lord who she did not care for, nor care for the loss of his estate. Duty calls. Her personal feelings were irrelevant.

  “I’m not arguing with you over that,” Colonel Fischer said, finally making eye-contact. “You have committed a crime and we’re here to bring you in. It’s as simple as that.”

  Undyne responded with a firm shake of the head. “No way am I going anywhere with you!” Four troops evenly spaced around her rose while she talked and charged in unison. At the last moment, Undyne jumped high into the air and the troops slammed head-first into each other. Their helmets were crushed around their skulls; a can opener would be required to remove them. After the soldiers toppled, Undyne landed in the same spot. “Not until I find my friend,” she said that as if nothing had interrupted her.

  Fischer scoffed. “Trust me,” she said, “you’re a long way from finding them at this rate. We scoured every inch of this area and found nothing.”

  A lanky solder rose, drew his blade, held it above his head, and rushed Undyne. As he charged, screaming, the target refused to acknowledge his presence. He was two steps away when, suddenly, Undyne raised her hand and conjured a spear. He skidded to a halt, anticipating a direct attack, but she drove it down into the empty spot of land between them. She remained still, still looking at Fischer, and with her hand on the spear’s shaft. The trooper switched back and forth between the spear and Undyne, waiting for something to happen. After nothing did, he lunged, which was exactly what Undyne was waiting for. She pulled on the handle and released her hold, whipping it back into the soldier’s body. He went down as fast as the whip.

  Let’s add assault on a member of the Monster Military to that ever-increasing list of crimes, thought Fischer, squinting. Although, you could argue he ran into that…

  “Obviously, you punks didn’t search hard enough,” Undyne retorted as the unfortunate guard crashed on to a fellow colleague in the middle of getting up. “Since I know exactly where they’ve gone, and that’s where I’m going too. Thank you very much.”

  Colonel Fischer traced a finger toward Black Ice Mountain in the north, behind the cabin. “You mean that mountain over there?” The target did not look, but Fischer went on anyway. “We’ve received reports that the human was spotted heading in that direction, to the island where no-one returns from. If they’re on that island, you’ll never catch the human by now. I guarantee you.”

  The island no-one returns from was not a place Undyne liked the sound of, especially knowing that her friend was heading toward it, or worse, on it right now. “What makes you so confident of that?” she asked, glaring.

  “On the off-chance that the human does make it through,” explained Fischer, “we have more of our troops ready to catch them on the connecting bridge, and even more if they manage to get pass them somehow.” An additional solider rushed Undyne, and she took him down purely by stepped back and sticking her foot out. He tripped straight over it. “We’ve got all the bases covered. You might as well give up now. You’re only making that rap sheet all the more longer.”

  “If you think a few little words are gonna dishearten me, then you’re wrong,” Undyne said before Private Wedge charged for the other side. He was all run with arms stretched, no tactics or sense whatsoever. Undyne used his own momentum again him. She lifted him onto her shoulders and threw him halfway across the field. “And if you think a few of your amateur cronies are gonna stop me, then you’re doubly wrong.”

  For the second time – and she hated to admit it – Fischer agreed with the homewrecker’s words. Twenty men strong, trained, and well-equipped, and this lone fish was making them look like idiots. And her own words of discouragement were doing the opposite of their intentions.

  The colonel addressed the men and women under her command, who were either lying down or trying not to be. “All units, rally at the prisoner transport and await my signal.” Eyes back to Undyne. “I’ll take it from here.”

  No arguments slipped from their mouths as the ones who could stand on their own two feet helped those who could not. This included the four monsters blinded by their helmets. The troops slinked away silently, or as silently as they could muster, alongside the river. Not a single one dared to make a move on the suspect.

  With the twenty highly trained and decently paid troops out of the way, only two people stood before the cabin: Undyne, former captain of the Royal Guard; and Fischer, current colonel for the Monster Military.

  “You intend to take me in,” Undyne said, “all by yourself?”

  “Yes.” Fischer stretched a hand out, the fingers bent as if holding an invisible gun. “My orders are to bring you to justice…” She conjured an object into her right hand the same way Undyne willed her spears into existence. “And that doesn’t necessarily mean I have to bring you in alive.”

  The materialising object came into focus. It was a crossbow, and the sights were trained on the criminal wanted for destroying a lord’s mansion, resisting arrest, and for attacking members of the Monster Military.

  “This is your last chance,” warned Fischer. “Come quietly or I’ll make you quiet, permanently.”

  Undyne grabbed her spear and yanked it from the ground with a crack of dirt. This one action was all the colonel needed to make her decision. She pulled the trigger and launched three bolts in rapid succession toward the target. Undyne span her weapon as fast as helicopter blades and deflected the shots away; two into the ground and one into the cabin’s face

  “I said I’m not going anywhere with you,” Undyne hissed, utterly fearless. “I’m giving you the chance now… walk away and I’ll forget I ever saw you.” One by one, orbs of blue light appeared over her head until they formed an arch. “Otherwise, we’ll find out if those pretty colours go well with black and blue!”

  She waited for the soldier to respond. Fischer was unchanged by the threat, her crossbow remained levelled in her hand. Fischer took a few steps around, all which keeping her sights on target. With all that armour and additions that offered no tactical advantage whatsoever, Undyne thought it might have slowed the colonel down – just like how her own armour held her back – but it all
looked like a second skin to her.

  The time for talking was over.

  Fischer shot forward with lightning speed, her cape flowing behind her with the elegance of a gymnast’s ribbon. Her plan was to catch Undyne off-guard by performing a move that contradicted her stance as a ranged specialist, and it worked. Undyne let loose a few spears, which were swiftly dodged without losing momentum. Fischer dove in, leading with both feet. The dropkick connected with Undyne’s gut and shot her through the cabin’s front door. It stood no chance, breaking into splinters and chips. Undyne came to a hard stop on the stone fireplace, leaving a crater and cracks extending outwards.

  Undyne landed on one knee and braced herself, her entire world spinning and ringing. She had never taken a blow that hard since the time Greater Dog mistaken her training in spear throwing for fetch-the-stick time. She forced her vision to focus as her opponent stood by the entrance, crossbow aimed, ready with more magic bolts.

  As the first shots fired, Undyne bolted. She move to the right and slide under the king-sized bed as white bolts rained on her heels, always a split-second behind. The projectiles made mincemeat out of the mattress and sheets. Undyne kicked herself up onto her heels and lunged straight out the right side window, leading with her fists. It was a textbox exit, exactly how she demonstrated it to Papyrus.

  In the moment, time slowed down. The fragments of glass circled around her, spinning like a thousand flying daggers. She stretched her left hand out, conjured a spear, and drove it into the deck. The spear rooted into place and Undyne span 180 degrees around and delivered a taste of Colonel Fischer’s own medicine. Her kick sent Fischer into the same crater she made, making it bigger and the cracks wider.

  While the superior in the Monster Military regained her bearings, Undyne contemplated the damage done to the fireplace, the bed, the window, and the front door. If she ever met Sam an’ Rita, Undyne thought, she would promise to pay for all the damages… well, half the damages. The other half she would coax out of this woman.

  Undyne readied her spear. “Had enough?”

  Colonel Fischer replied by raising her weapon, forcing Undyne to charge. At the last moment, Fischer rolled to her right, dismissed her bow, and snatched both the wrought iron fire poker and shovel from the stand. She brought the poker up and blocked an overhead swing before striking with the coal shovel. It hit Undyne on her blindside with a dull pang. She stumbled back and Fischer pressed on her attack, hitting the suspect on the other cheek with the poker. On the third and fourth swings, Undyne grabbed her attacker by the wrists, then pressed her foot against the soldier’s chest and rolled back. She kicked Fischer into the wall, breaking her through it and sending her into the crops.

  More damage meant more payments for both of them to make. The wall mostly; since the crops were already in such a withered, sorry state, the owners probably did not care much for them.

  Back outside, the enemies stared at each other. Colonel Fischer now had mayonnaise and mustard staining her cape. Undyne had a large bruise on one cheek and a thin bruise on the other.

  “Let’s fight for real now.” Fischer reached behind her back, under the folds of her cape, and pulled out a halberd. Undyne was surprised by this; the weapon was taller than she was, all gold with a large spearhead and an even larger battle-axe, both edges sparkling in the afternoon rays. She believed Asgore the only guy capable of pulling a stunt like that. She guessed wrong.

  The two charged out into the fields behind the cabin and engaged in combat. No more destruction to personal property. It became a warzone, with flying spears and bolts blocking the sun and the stillness broken by weapons striking. The colonel using her crossbow whenever she gained distance, and the halberd at close range; the former captain going ballistic with her spears, both short and long range.

  * * *

  Meanwhile, the entire outhouse – untouched by the battle and a hundred feet away from the roaring warriors – shuddered to life as its interior changed from empty to full in a nanosecond. Grunting noises, three in total, sounded from within.

  “N-not one of your best shortcuts…?” Alphys asked, trying to sound sarcastic amidst shifting her frame in the uncomfortable confinement. There was a bony elbow in her tail and something indistinguishable pressed against her face, driving her glasses against her brow. Out of all the grunting, Papyrus’s was the one that stood out the most. Lots of nyehs in his loud, cartoony accent. The roof shuddered as his head collided with its ceiling.

  The trio had not much luck on their shortcut shenanigans, having previously appeared out of a strangely wide drainpipe in a land of talking mushrooms, a sewer manhole in New York City, and some kind of weird endless hallway of doors.

  “Hold on,” Sans insisted, his entire front pressed against the door, yet his hand was still linked to the handle that would set them free. “Let me just…” He applied a tiny amount of pressure and the flimsy door swung ajar with the greatest of ease. Sans tumbled out with Alphys and Papyrus right behind him like an overstuffed closet, all three landing in a heap.

  Alphys gasped under the weight of the taller skeleton and the discomfort of the shorter other. Every bone prodding her girth. “This reminds me of p-prom night,” she muttered as she freed an arm from under Papyrus and used it to adjust her glasses.

  “This reminds me of every other Saturday,” Papyrus added.

  Sans said nothing. Story of my life, he thought.

  They gazed out at the nearby river and the faraway tops of palm trees off in the distance. As appreciative as the sight was, on its own, it wasn’t much help. Not much to see and no hint or clue to draw from it. They had ended up in some random countryside shack somewhere. How were they to find their friends at this rate?

  Behind them, Undyne hit Fischer with an elbow drop.

  Sans moaned. He thought that the grass would cushion his crash landing, but it was like a bed of nails against his body. He wanted nothing more than to be up and away. “Guess this place is a bust. Let’s try this again.”

  “Wait. Don’t you think we should take a minute to look around first?” Alphys asked. A massive hunch tingled her spine – but that might have been one of the vertebra out of place.

  Sans shrugged, budging his shoulders upwards into Alphys. “I don’t see much point,” he replied, sounding fed-up – a rare thing for her to hear from him. “What could we expect to find around here?”

  “Fleck, perhaps?” the dermatologist said without hesitation, a rare thing for both Sans and Papyrus to be hearing from her. The only other time she would answer that fast was when the question asked what her favourite anime was. “Maybe Asgore or Toriel?” She inhaled a quick gasp. “What if Undyne is here?”

  “Out here in the middle of nowhere?” asked Sans. “Slim chance of that, pal.”

  Fischer caught Undyne in a headlock.

  “You never know,” Papyrus said, “Undyne could be right under our noses.” He went to tap his nose tip, then realised that he didn’t have one. He resorted to poking down on Alphys’s snout, much to her resentment. “In fact, she could be behind us right this instant, locked in a perilous battle to the death against an opponent of equal strength and skill and ngahing prowess.”

  This response got a chuckle out of his brother. “That’s an active imagination you got.”

  Undyne pulled Fischer into a Boston crab.

  Papyrus closed his eye sockets, allowing the surrounding silence to wash over him. “I can hear her voice now on the wind...”

  Off in the distance, as faint as the whistle of a soft breeze, a coarse ngah drifted past them. “Ah, geez, I can hear her too…” disclosed Alphys. Hearing that battle cry – that strong, fierce roar – conjured images of the things Undyne did best: beat up bad guys and make her feel safe. So close yet so far away.

  “I guess someone handed me a group invite, ‘cause I’m hearing it three,” Sans mentioned. “Didn’t know I had such a deep connection with her. Always figured she viewed me as furniture.”

&n
bsp; Fischer floored Undyne with a chokeslam.

  Papyrus asked, “Wasn’t that the one time we invited her over and all you did was stand in the corner all day with that lamp shade over your head?”

  “Maybe,” Sans answered.

  For five whole seconds, nobody said anything. They remained one on top of the other with the shorter skeleton bearing the combined weight of the other two. By now, he didn’t seem to mind.

  Alphys suddenly broke the silence, rather loud, Sans thought. “Why were you pretending to be a lamp, Sans?”

  To which he answered: “Because I wanted to be a lamp for the day.” Then came a second gap of silence. “Isn’t that a good enough reason in of itself? Can’t a guy just dream every once in a while?”

  Undyne gave Fischer a piledriver she’d already forget.

  Papyrus creased his smooth brow. “Why do I sense another lousy joke incoming?” He folded his arms, resting them on the back of the scientist’s head. “Could either of you shed some light on this puzzling matter?”

  Alphys rested her chin on her hands and perked up a smile. “It’s n-not that big of a mystery, Papyrus. It was an illuminating experience for your brother.”

  Sans folded his arms under his chin. “Looking back, I guess it wasn’t the brightest idea I’ve had.”

  The third awkward pause interjected itself. Something felt missing, but none of them could put a finger on it. Something felt wrong, but none of them could put a finger on it.

  Fischer did a jumping cutter on Undyne, out of nowhere.

  Papyrus asked, “What were we talking about again?”

  “No idea,” Sans replied. “Welp, enough beating around the bush – whatever that means.” He positioned his hands flat against the ground and pushed himself up with surprising strength. The three monsters filtered back into the outhouse in the same order. “Breathe in, people.”