Your Princess is in Another Castle

by Richard Fore

  “But the Japanese also know that that ultimately only makes us even madder when they screw us over by not releasing all their other RPGs. I mean for every ten Ys games they put out in Japan, we maybe, maybe get one. Why? Because the Japanese like depriving us, that’s why. To them Americans are always going to be a bunch of gaijin barbarians who only care about the latest Madden or Call of Duty game.”

  Chris picks up two packs of Magic cards from a display and sets them on the counter.

  “How you doing?” asks the clerk. “That’ll be nine-sixteen.” The clerk wears a classic style Batman shirt with the rendition of the bat-emblem inside a yellow oval. He is also very muscular, looking like he could easily be Eddie Brock’s workout partner.

  Chris eyes the clerk’s t-shirt and smiles, a host of bat-memories flooding into his brain. “Wasn’t Batman Begins awesome?” he asks.

  “Uh, actually I haven’t seen it,” says the clerk dismissively.

  “Here we go,” I say.

  “What do you mean you haven’t seen it yet?” asks Chris.

  “I mean I just haven’t seen it yet,” says the clerk.

  Chris flares his nostrils and stares at the clerk like he’s just been told by his wife that she’s been cheating on him with his best friend. “Here’s the problem I have with that. You’re saying ‘I just haven’t seen it yet’ like it has only been out for a week and you simply haven’t gotten around to it. Now that’d be okay. Not everyone can go to every midnight premiere. But you see it hasn’t only been out for a week.” Chris looks at me. “What’s the date today?”

  “Today is Monday, November 13th of 2006,” I say.

  Chris looks back at the clerk. “Okay. Now, Batman Begins was released on June 15th of 2005. So that-”

  “You remember the exact date?” interrupts the clerk.

  “Yeah, I remember the exact date, just like how I can remember that May 19th 1999 was the single most disappointing night of my entire life. Now you’ve had precisely five hundred twenty-five days of bat-opportunity to watch Batman Begins between its initial day of release and today, but you haven’t. And I want to know why.

  “It wouldn’t be a big deal if you were just some random sonofabitch, a jock asshole who couldn’t tell the difference between the Flash and some pathetic rip-off of the Flash like Quicksilver. But you’re wearing a Batman shirt, which by definition is a nonverbal proclamation of the fact that you are a fan of the Caped Crusader and yet you haven’t seen Batman Begins. See the logic there? You’re wearing the shirt, so you must like Batman, right?”

  “Yeah, he’s okay,” says the clerk. “Look, your playing cards here are nine-dollars and sixteen-cents. Are you going to pay for them?”

  “Playing cards?” Chris silently mouths. He then angrily drops nine dollars and all the change from his pocket down on the counter. He slides the bills over to the clerk slowly, as if he were a robber passing a note to a bank teller.

  “Eight years,” says Chris. “Eight years and I want a reason you haven’t seen Batman Begins yet and I’m not leaving until I have one.” He begins to slide over a dime and six pennies one at a time.

  “What the hell are you talking about ‘eight years’?” asks the clerk.

  “What am I talking about?” asks Chris. “I’ll tell you what I’m talking about. I’m talking about eight long years of cinematic bat-purgatory, that’s what I’m talking about. Eight years between Batman & Robin and Batman Begins and the only film from DC to fill the gap in between was Catwoman! Like we really needed more of Halle Berry after X-Men!”

  “Well, the Catwoman movie may have sucked, but Halle Berry was hot in it,” says the clerk. “What do you have against her? She was good in X-Men, too.”

  “Oh god,” I say.

  “What the hell, man!” shouts Chris. “You’ve seen Catwoman but not Batman Begins? You managed to fit that piece of shit into your busy schedule but not Nolan’s masterpiece? I can only wish the Flash would ever get such a revered and respectful treatment from a director like Nolan.

  “And screw X-Men and screw Halle Berry. So they gave her an Oscar for Monster’s Ball. Big deal. I didn’t realize getting down on your hands and knees and taking some doggystyle from Billy Bob Thornton was that monumental of an acting challenge. I can think of about a hundred pornstars who can get down on all fours and take it doggystyle with more zeal than Halle Berry could ever hope to muster and most of them don’t even have the prestige of having won an AVN award. Halle Berry is the best in the game since Angelina Jolie when it comes to the ‘I’m hot so I’ll be hailed as a good actress’ con.

  “And X-Men crashed and burned. Now, I can’t say anything bad about Hugh Jackman. You can’t badmouth Jackman. But they screwed Magneto. The Magneto I know would have fought against a plan to turn every Homo sapien into Homo superior. The Magneto I know also wouldn’t find it fine and dandy to murder Rogue in the process of doing so. I don’t see why everybody rags on the third one when one and two sucked just as much as it did. But it’s the ABB Age now and everybody can see the X-Men movies for what they and all the other Marvel bullshit really are aside from the first Blade film.”

  “ABB Age?” asks the clerk.

  “After Batman Begins,” says Chris. “X-Men came out in 2000, so it was made in 5-3B, five years Before Batman Begins.”

  “Chris, you mentioned Batman & Robin before,” I say. “Maybe that’s what’s going on here. Maybe after Batman & Robin he just lost faith. You couldn’t really blame the guy for that. Maybe after he saw Catwoman he realized that Warner Bros. had learned nothing at all in its years of dormancy and maybe he hasn’t seen Nolan’s other films and he just couldn’t believe anymore, couldn’t believe that they could ever again do Batman justice on screen.”

  “Yeah, okay,” says Chris. “I can see that. Maybe you haven’t seen Following, Memento, Insomnia, or The Prestige, so you don’t know what Christopher Nolan can really do and you’re just bitter about Schumacher and arguing from ignorance. Like maybe you still believe in the bat, just not in the bat on film. I could understand that. But I’m gonna need proof if I’m to believe it.” Chris snaps his fingers. “I got it. Quick, name a bat-villain that hasn’t appeared on film and is just from the comics or animated series. Then we’ll know if you’re really a fan of the bat outside of film and have any right to be wearing that shirt.”

  The clerk stares at Chris in bewilderment after a quick glance at me requesting support, but I cannot help him. He must finish this on his own, and admittedly I do not understand why he is wearing the shirt. The clerk folds his arms, deep in thought, although I’m unable to tell if he’s trying to think of a villain or is considering calling the manager.

  “I don’t know,” the clerk says at last. “The movies pretty much covered all the major villains.”

  “Harley Quinn,” says Chris. “You could have said Harley Quinn. Debuted on the animated series, later integrated into the comics canon and has yet to appear in live action.”

  “Wasn’t she on that awful, short-lived Birds of Prey TV show?” I ask.

  “I’ll pretend I didn’t hear that,” says Chris. He places both hands on the counter, leans in close to the clerk. “I don’t know why Mike would have hired you to work here. Maybe you’re into local music or something. I have a friend who’s into the music scene. But he’s also into videogames, Star Wars, comics, and a bunch of other geeky stuff, too. So my friends and I have the right to wear a Batman shirt. You clearly don’t. And I come in here a lot and I don’t ever wanna see you in here wearing that shirt again, you got me? If I do, I’m going to tear into you like Doomsday did to the Justice League, not that you’d know anything about that! You got it, GNC?”

  The clerk does not appreciate being threatened. “Here’s your receipt,” he says forcefully as he places it into a bag along with the Magic cards. “Have a nice day.”

  I’m relieved the clerk is not the confrontational type. I have no desire for a fight to begin and see Chris get pounded or
wind up getting banned from the store, especially just days away from the store owner Mike’s private launch party of the PlayStation 3. Chris attempts what he believes is an intimidating stare-down as we exit the store.

  “I gotta admit, it is odd that he’s wearing that shirt,” I say. “Maybe his mom gave it to him or something. I don’t know. It’s weird. I mean the Minus World is also a music store, so if he’s really not into Batman why doesn’t he just wear the shirt of some band while he works?”

  Chris stops dead in his tracks, halfway between the store and his car. “You’re right, man. You’re exactly right. And you know what? That’s exactly what he’s gonna do. Come on, we’re going back in!”

  “Wait a second. This guy’s got more muscle than a He-Man action figure. Are you sure you want to keep pushing this thing?”

  “What makes a hero is the willingness to stand up to people stronger than you are. And I’m doing this for all of us.”

  The door to Minus World is thrown open as Chris reenters, more purposeful than I’ve ever seen him. I follow behind him silently, knowing he cannot be deterred. He walks straight to the t-shirt section, all the while being eyed by the store clerk.

  “Maroon 5,” says Chris, finding a t-shirt of the band’s in the rack. “The music of non-bat fans.” He eyes the clerk. “I’d say he’s an extra-large. Perfect, that’s what size this is.”

  Chris throws the t-shirt down on the counter. “I’m buying this shirt,” he tells the clerk. “Then you’re going to take off that Batman shirt and put this one on.”

  “Are you crazy?” asks the clerk. “I’m not doing that. Now get out of here or I’m getting the manager.”

  “Put it on!” Chris tosses down a twenty. “I’m paying for it.”

  “I don’t even like Maroon 5!”

  “You don’t like Batman, either! So what’s the problem?”

  “I’m calling the cops!”

  “Take off that fucking shirt!” Chris leaps over the counter and attempts to forcibly remove the bat-shirt from the clerk. He manages to get the offending garment pulled up above the clerk’s navel before the clerk frees himself and drops Chris to the floor with a punch to the stomach.

  “I’m going to kill you, you psycho!” shouts the clerk.

  “Don’t kill me. Don’t kill me man,” pleads Chris.

  I peer over the counter. Chris is on the ground clutching his chest, clearly there is no fight left in him. “Mercy, I beg of you,” he says. “But if you have to do something more, take me over your knee.”

  The clerk takes a step back. “I’m not spanking you, you freak.”

  “No, no,” says Chris. He sits on the floor and stretches out his legs. “I mean do a backbreaker move on me. Break me, don’t kill me. It’d kinda justify your wearing the shirt that way.”

  I’m allowing Chris to beat me down with Sub-Zero, fighting back with only the weakest of Scorpion’s combos in a rather pitiful Mortal Kombat match to cheer Chris up after his humiliating real-life defeat when there’s a knock on the door.

  “It’s open,” I say.

  Seth appears in the doorway obscured by the shadows of the hall like Captain Kirk making his entrance in Star Trek II. He stands as still as a member of the Queen’s Guard, silently watching us.

  “What?” asks Chris, who’s distracted enough that he botches Sub-Zero’s spine rip fatality, allowing Scorpion to fall to the ground without being properly finished.

  “You know, I didn’t even bother to ask if it was you guys,” says Seth. He flops down on my bed. “So, I walk into Minus World ready to get the lowdown on how Kevin’s show went over the weekend and he starts telling me how this one lunatic starts going apeshit on him just because he hasn’t seen Batman Begins. That was Stephanie’s boyfriend you assaulted, by the way.”

  “The waitress from the Honeybee Inn?” I ask.

  “Yeah,” says Seth.

  “I’ll bet you only got Kevin’s biased side of the story,” says Chris. “I bet he left out the part about how I was provoked and had no choice but to act.”

  “I admit it’s a little strange Kevin was wearing what he was wearing when the specific circumstances are taken into consideration,” says Seth. “But that doesn’t mean it’s okay for you to just go all Mr. Blonde on the guy.” He looks at me. “And from what Kevin told me, you just stood there and watched it all happen.”

  “Could I have done anything?” I ask. “I told Chris not to pick a fight with the guy. But I also thought he had a valid point, and it’s not like I provoked him further, either. I was just an innocent bystander.”

  “Edmund Burke would say that you’re just as guilty,” says Seth. “And Mike happens to feel that way as well. Both of you, you’re banned for life from the store. From all Minus World stores, for that matter.”

  “What? But the PlayStation 3 comes out in four days!” says Chris.

  “Surely Mike will still let us go to the launch party he’s having, right?” I ask.

  “No,” says Seth. “Kevin wanted to press assault and battery charges against you. But I managed to convince Mike that banning you both from the store would be more damaging to you guys in the long run and Kevin reluctantly agreed. And the ban includes barring you from the launch party.”

  “But the launch,” I say. “Mike’s having an off the record event for his regulars promising them all a PS3 along with letting us all stay in the store overnight so we won’t have to camp outside and now he’s saying we can’t go?”

  “Does Mike honestly expect the three of us to just hold up outside a Wal-Mart or something all night with the rest of the riff-raff?” asks Chris.

  “Not exactly,” says Seth. “He expects you two to do that. I’m not banned from the store.”

  “What’s going to happen to our promised PS3s?” asks Chris.

  “Normally,” says Seth, “Mike doesn’t allow store employees to reserve systems on launch day. But he said after the incident today he was gonna go ahead and see to it that Kevin gets one. I don’t know about the other one. Another regular will get invited to the party, I guess. Or it will just go to the regular store inventory.”

  “That bastard Kevin!” says Chris. “He probably doesn’t even want one. I bet he’s going to just hock it on eBay. And since when does Mike hire posers like Kevin to man his store, anyway?”

  “What are you going to do, Seth?” I ask. “Come out with us or go to Mike’s launch party?”

  “Obviously, I’m coming with you guys. Who knows what you’d do camping out in front of a store all night with several dozen other desperate gamers without someone like me to supervise you. Although we’re going to need a Plan B.”

  “I vote for Target,” I say. “I camped out in front of one back when the PlayStation 2 first came out.”

  “I take full responsibility for this situation,” says Chris.

  “That’s very noble of you,” says Seth.

  “I mean I’m going to take care of us,” says Chris. “I’m going to get us a tent, cooler, snacks, drinks, the works. It’s going to be even better than hanging out all night in Minus World. Trust me. And I still have my old Optimus Prime play tent from when I was a kid. Of course it won’t hold all of us now, but I could set it up next to the main tent. We could use it as a spare in case any of us need some private time should we meet a woman in line.”

  “Yeah, that’s definitely a contingency I want to be prepared for,” I say.

  “There’s just one thing,” says Chris. “Would you guys mind if my friend Jimmy came along?”

  “Jimmy the furry?” Seth and I ask simultaneously.

  “Yeah, him. I talked to him the other day and he asked about maybe hanging out and getting a PS3 together. I told him that we already had a deal with the Minus World manager and wouldn’t really be able to see to it that he could get one, too. But now there’s no reason why Jimmy can’t come along. So do you guys mind?”

  “Of course not,” I say. “Bring him along.”

  �
�Yeah, I’d like to meet him,” says Seth. “How sensitive is he about the furry thing, though? Does he know that we know? Will we need to make sure that that isn’t brought up?”

  “Don’t worry,” says Chris. “I’ll let Jimmy know that you guys know and that you’re cool with it. I’ll also tell him that you know about me and my foot fetish. He’ll feel more comfortable that way. And you don’t have to avoid the subject. You can even talk to him about it. Just don’t, you know, ridicule him about it. And you’ll like Jimmy. He’ll be very excited about coming. Assaulting Kevin may turn out to have been a good thing after all.”

  Chapter 8: Failure to Launch

  November 16th. It’s 8:00am, exactly 24 hours before Target opens and the PlayStation 3 goes on sale. No one else has arrived yet. The tent set up by Chris and Jimmy stands alone, flanked only by a much smaller and worn Optimus Prime play tent from the 1980s. I wonder if at some point Chris decided he simply must get laid in that tent and has always kept it at the ready for just such a purpose. If he actually does meet a girl here and sleeps with her within the confines of Optimus Prime’s trailer, he will have earned my eternal respect, although I’ve never been one to hold high hopes for living out absurd sexual fantasies.

  “Chris actually brought the Optimus Prime tent,” says Seth. “He’s probably thinking he’s really going to meet some dorky girl here that’ll be so impressed with his impression of a Transformer transforming that she’ll want to jump into bed with him.”

  “You know Chris,” I say. “The other tent looks pretty nice, though. It looks expensive.” We’ll be camping out for the next day in a black and grey tent that looks to be around 10 feet long and 15 feet wide. It appears to be brand new, bought solely for this occasion.

  “I don’t see why they insisted on setting this up themselves. We would have helped,” says Seth.