Your Princess is in Another Castle

by Richard Fore

  “The Red Book of Westmarch itself is what matters, what is important, and reading it is how we can learn to better ourselves. It’s a book that will show you the way every time and without fail. I’ve yet to hear or even imagine a scenario that would be impossible to be compared to some aspect from either The Hobbit or The Lord of the Rings. Oh, and The Lord of the Rings is a singular novel. It’s not a trilogy, and damn the man who first divided it.”

  “The Red Book may indeed be a useful life coach,” says Seth. “But Justin already knows what he needs to do. He just needs to accept that he’ll only ever be friends with Jessica and then ask out Sabrina.”

  “Do you have to keep calling me Justin?” I ask.

  “Yeah, I do,” says Seth.

  “Merely knowing what need be done is not the challenge,” says Jimmy. “The One Ring need only be cast into the fires of Mt. Doom in order to destroy it. That’s a simple enough conclusion to reach. But it’s an epic ordeal to actually accomplish. So come now the one who calls himself Justin, as I, with the knowledge I’ve gleaned from The Red Book of Westmarch, shall impart unto you the wisdom you seek.”

  The three of us all scoot closer to Jimmy as if he were our grandfather about to tell us our favorite story.

  “Before we begin though, you guys have read the novels, right?” asks Jimmy. “You haven’t just seen the movies?” He eyes us expectantly. “Chris, I know you have.”

  “Been a long time, but I have,” I say. “Read The Hobbit a couple times. Rings just once in full, though.”

  “Same for me,” says Seth. “Could name all the dwarves in The Hobbit if you wanted me to. But why? Did you not like the movies?”

  Jimmy scoffs. “They were okay, perhaps the best film adaptations of the novel that could realistically get made. But they all have their problems. All three are rife with Liv Tyler bullshit at the expense of characters like Tom Bombadil. However, the films did allow the tale, as imperfectly as it may have been told, to reach a much larger audience than the book would have reached on its own. And many would go on to read the novel because of their seeing the films.

  “Now personally, I would have preferred no adaptation at all, just as the majority of Sunni Muslims have an interdiction against visual depictions of Mohammed. But the films happened and I saw them, and I support their good points in addition to cataloging their flaws. I just needed to know if you’ve read the novel or not so I’d know if I have to dumb anything down. But now we can begin.”

  Jimmy closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. “Unrequited love. You long to be with Jessica,” he says pointing at me with his eyes still shut. “Alas, she regards you merely as a friend. This causes you great pain. A predicament you share with Eowyn, shieldmaiden of the Kingdom of Rohan, for Eowyn was in love with Aragorn, heir to the throne of Gondor, but his heart belonged to Arwen. And in your eyes I see the same desire to prove yourself that burned in Eowyn’s. Yes, while it is a gender reversal, you walk the same path in life as Eowyn walked in her story arc.”

  Seth and I look at Jimmy unsure of what to make of this. Chris is looking at me and nodding his head in awe, a true believer.

  “Now Eowyn yearned for the opportunity to prove herself a warrior to the Rohirrim, who doubted her because she was a woman,” continues Jimmy. “Your only doubter is yourself, Justin. Because Jessica rejects you as a lover you project onto yourself the visage of one unworthy of anyone else’s love, remaining distant even to a girl like Sabrina.

  “Now in Middle-earth’s gravest hour, the Witch-king of Angmar’s armies besieged the White City of Minas Tirith, and the Dark Lord Sauron summoned a great cloud of darkness that covered all of Gondor and blocked out the sun in an event that would come to be known as the Dawnless Day. It was at this time that Eowyn disguised herself as a soldier named Dernhelm and rode with her people to Gondor where she would be a combatant in the greatest battle of The War of the Ring.

  “You, too, will experience a Dawnless Day, Justin. And it will be a time of heartbreak and fear. But when it comes you will not despair, rather like Eowyn you will assume a false identity in order to ride out and become what you’ve always desired to be after having been held back by your own doubt for so long. And it will be directly due to this adopted falsehood that you shall allow yourself the will to ask out Sabrina.

  “Now when Eowyn and the riders of Rohan reached Gondor, Eowyn met the Witch-king in battle on Pelennor Fields. He boasted of his might, that no living man should hinder him. It was then that Eowyn cast away her disguise and slew the Witch-king as the woman she truly was. You must remember this, Justin. If you are to truly succeed with Sabrina, you too must shed your false skin. You will win her in the end by being who you truly are. Don the mask at first, but remember to remove it when the time comes as Eowyn did. Do so and you will be successful.”

  “So what should he do in the meantime?” asks Chris.

  “There is nothing he can do now,” says Jimmy. “He won’t act until the situation is at its most dire. He must await the Dawnless Day.”

  “Wise council indeed,” says Chris. “Listen to him, man. Await the Dawnless Day.”

  “You seem pretty sure of all this,” I say, not entirely convinced.

  “Putting my faith in Tolkien has yet to lead me astray,” says Jimmy. “But if you really need something to do in the meantime you can reread The Lord of the Rings. That might help you. Don’t watch the movies. In fact, the bile dialogue spoken between Eowyn and the Witch-king during their confrontation in the movie is one of the worst departures from the novel. It’s basically a dumbed-down version of the novel’s epic exchange so the audience could spend another fifteen seconds staring at Liv Tyler’s emotionally vacant face and listen to her echoey whining about Aragorn because god forbid they use solid existing female dialogue.

  “Watch the end credits for The Return of the King. Liv Tyler’s the third performer to be credited, right after Elijah Wood and Ian McKellen. The other seven members of the Fellowship, Miranda Otto, everyone but Frodo and Gandalf themselves get credited after Tyler even though her role was so small and she sucked so badly. Personally, I think Peter Jackson was banging Liv Tyler during filming. That’s the only explanation for her being credited third.”

  “I see your point about Tyler,” I say. “Her ass-kicking Arwen routine was unnecessary when there was already the Eowyn character. And I liked Tom Bombadil in the book and mourned his absence in the film.”

  “Tyler wasn’t that bad,” says Seth. “And to be honest I think she’s hot, and let’s face it, if Jackson wanted to do her, her trading sex for screen time was the only way it would have ever happened, and I’d have done the same thing in Jackson’s position.”

  “Enough talking for now,” says Chris. “Let’s play some videogames.”

  “I’m with you,” I say.

  “I brought Darkstalkers,” says Jimmy.

  It’s 11:07am and we’ve been playing Marvel vs. Capcom 2 for the past two hours. Seth tosses his controller down in frustration. “All right, we can keep on playing,” he says. “But if I’m going up against Jimmy again I’m gonna have to insist that he not be Felicia, because this is ridiculous. He doesn’t even need to tag in his other characters.”

  “I could replace Felicia with Morrigan for awhile,” says Jimmy.

  “I’d be more comfortable if you picked three guys from the Marvel side,” I say.

  “Yeah,” says Seth. “Be like Cable, Juggernaut, and Thanos.”

  “No,” says Chris. “Thanos is nothing but a cheap imitation of Darkseid.”

  “But he’s also not a catgirl,” I say.

  “I told you guys that Jimmy had some serious skill with Felicia,” says Chris. “He ought to given that he’s hooked up with her in real-life almost thirty times.”

  “What was that?” asks Seth.

  “Go on Jimmy, tell them,” says Chris.

  Jimmy appears completely embarrassed while Chris looks at him with envy. Seth powers off the PlayStation
2, eager for the story.

  “It’s okay, Jimmy,” says Chris. “I told you they both know you’re a furry. And they know I have a foot fetish.” Chris pats me on the back. “And as hard a time as we’ve already given Justin here, I think it’s only fair that we all be discussed at some point. Besides, this part of your condition is something to be proud of.”

  Jimmy bows his head. “This is the one part of me that Tolkien’s never been able to help. I mean, in principle he has. The romance between Arwen and Aragorn shows us that there’s nothing wrong with inter-species relationships as long as there’s love. But we don’t live in Middle-earth. There are no elves here to court. I feel as though I’m destined to be alone forever because I’m never going to be able to find my anthropomorphic true love.

  “I’ve never even been in a real long-term relationship before. See, any girl would have to understand that for us to be together and to share any kind of sexual intimacy, she’s gonna have to don something, something that gives her an animal quality. Paws, a tail, ears, maybe even all three combined. Ideally a fox or cat look. She wouldn’t have to do this in public, just in private. But I’ve always been so ashamed of this, so afraid that if I met someone I really liked and told her about it that it would scare her off. So I’ve always been alone.”

  “But…” says Chris.

  “But,” says Jimmy, “I’ve had sex before. I’ve had sex with twenty-seven different girls that cosplayed as Felicia at various conventions over the years. Comic Con. E3. One for each day at each convention I’ve attended. It’s a popular costume, so there’s never a shortage of girls to choose from. And I’ve always managed to score only the most beautiful Felicias at every convention. There’s just something about the blue hair and the cat costume that ignites my prowess. Seeing it gives me so much confidence that I can get any Felicia to come back to my hotel room in under fifteen minutes. And given the context of them already wearing the costume at a convention, they never question my request to leave on the costume during sex.

  “It’s total bliss for me whenever I’m with a Felicia. The most wonderful thing I’ve ever experienced. But as soon as it’s over it leaves me feeling hollow. Dead inside. Because sex with a stranger isn’t what I really want. I want to make love to someone. Truly make love. To a girl who could be my Felicia for life. Not just with some random girl only dressed like Felicia for a con whose real name I don’t even know. But that won’t ever happen because I’m too afraid to tell a woman what I really need from her.”

  I empathize with Jimmy. We’re in similar boats. His just has a few more passengers than mine.

  “Wow,” says Seth. “Twenty-seven. That’s a lot of Felicias. I hope you’re being safe when you’re playing with the kitties.”

  “Of course,” says Jimmy. “Every time.”

  “Aren’t you afraid of getting them pregnant?” I ask.

  “That’s what condoms are for,” says Jimmy. “Besides, I’ve got stormtrooper aim down there. I’m basically sterile.”

  “So you guys see now how it’s been both a blessing and a curse for Jimmy,” says Chris.

  “Have you tried going to a con devoted just to furries?” I ask. “Maybe you could find someone there who’s of like mind.”

  “No,” says Jimmy. “With most furries, particularly with female furries, their interest is not sexually based. They just like to dress up in costumes and draw funny animals, innocent stuff like that. I’ve been to a couple local furry clubs back home and had no luck. I’m rare amongst the furry crowd in that my interest is purely sexual.”

  “Have you tried therapy?” asks Seth. “Have you tried cutting down on the Disney Robin Hood viewings? Not compulsively playing as Felicia every single time you play Marvel vs. Capcom and Darkstalkers?”

  “I saw a psychologist briefly,” says Jimmy. “I told her about my love for Maid Marian and Felicia. The shrink’s name was Mayumi, and she was a beautiful Japanese woman. She suggested behavior modification therapy. Told me it would be beneficial to play as someone other than Felicia. She recommended that for every five matches I play as Felicia twice and someone else for the others, and slowly phase out Felicia over time. So I played as Morrigan for awhile.”

  “But Morrigan’s a bat-girl,” says Seth.

  “Why not Baby Bonnie Hood?” I ask.

  “Shut up guys! He’s telling a story,” says Chris.

  Seth and I hush up.

  “So I’m playing as Morrigan,” continues Jimmy. “And I’m getting pretty good with her. Now Mayumi also happens to be a Disney fan. She even has a Mickey Mouse clock in her office. So she’s very familiar with the back catalog of animated classics. She suggests that I start watching The Sword in the Stone interspersed with Robin Hood because there are a lot of talking animals in that film. Archimedes the owl, and Arthur and Merlin turn into several as well. But there aren’t any actual anthropomorphic females to tempt me. The two films also have the same medieval feel to them. So I watched The Sword in the Stone a few times in conjunction with Robin Hood but had to stop because every time that poor little girl squirrel gets her heart broken by Arthur it just tears apart my own heart.”

  The three of us look at Jimmy and he picks up on our unspoken sense of camaraderie at the squirrel’s plight. He nods at us. We find solace with Jimmy, and he with us.

  “So I started watching The Black Cauldron on Mayumi’s recommendation instead,” says Jimmy. “And both therapies actually worked for awhile. I was able to put some distance between myself and Felicia and Marian. But during this time I’d also been growing increasingly interested in Mayumi during the therapy. At first I attributed it simply to my being partial to intelligent women. But then it hit me. Mayumi had a real kitsune quality about her.”

  “Kitsune quality?” Seth and I both ask.

  “Yeah, a kitsune quality,” says Jimmy. “Kitsune is the Japanese word for fox. Foxes play a frequent role in Japanese folklore. Over there they tend to be the same clever, wry figures they are here. Of course with their anime and manga there are a lot of fox girls in their media. I thought that it might be easier to find a Japanese woman willing to transform into a kitsune for me than an American girl willing to become a fox.

  And Mayumi was just the perfect kitsune. Halfway through a session where I’m telling her I’m actually starting to make some progress it just hits me that Mayumi was born to be a kitsune. Give her fox ears and a tail and I’d love her forever. At the end of the session I went into the men’s room and popped one off because I couldn’t help it. I just couldn’t help myself because Mayumi was a kitsune.

  “At the beginning of our next session Mayumi asks me how I’m doing. And I lose it. I just lose it. I tell her that I mean no disrespect but that she’d make a beautiful kitsune. Her eyes widen. Calmly she tells me that she’s helped me as much as she can, but that it’s time for me to find another therapist. So I leave. I’m dejected, but I leave.

  “I go home and start playing as Felicia again. Then I crawl into bed and start watching Robin Hood. And I realize this is who I am. It’s a shackle in many ways, but in a sense having Maid Marian and Felicia as outlets also set me free. Without them I may have gone through life essentially asexual, with no sex drive at all, always wondering what was wrong with me. And after my failed attempt at therapy, that was when I finally decided on going to the San Diego Comic Con, where I lost my virginity to a Felicia cosplayer.”

  Jimmy appears glad to have opened up, sporting the same look of relief as Chris when he first admitted his foot fetish to us.

  “Well,” I say, “now I know how Kitsune from the Shadowrun SNES game got her name.”

  “How do you feel letting all this out?” asks Seth.

  “Good,” says Jimmy. “I’m glad I shared all that with you guys. It feels good to talk about it. I don’t get to talk about things like that very often now that Chris is here with you. He’s the only other person I’ve ever discussed all this with other than Mayumi. And thanks for not making fun. Sometime
s I feel like Atlas with the burden I’m carrying on my shoulders. But sometimes I get a little relief like a chained-up Loki when his wife stands over him with that bowl that catches the dripping snake venom.”

  Chris’ expression of brotherly kinship suddenly turns to anger. “I’m sorry, but I really don’t care for the sudden leap from Greek myth to Norse in your analogy,” he says.

  “What?” asks Jimmy.

  “The shift from Greek to Norse,” says Chris. “First you’re comparing yourself to the Greek character Atlas the Titan which is fine, in that you’re carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders. But then just like that you go all Scandinavian on us with Loki, Sigyn, and the serpent when it would have made much more sense to just use Prometheus, also a Titan, and the vulture that pecked at his liver to carry on the Greek theme.”

  “Eagle,” I say.

  “What?” asks Chris.

  “An eagle pecked at Prometheus’ liver,” I say.

  “No, because vultures feed on carrion,” says Chris.

  “But he wasn’t dead, which is the entire point,” I say.

  “Also, I don’t think Prometheus ever got much relief from the eagle,” says Seth.

  “Whatever,” says Chris. “My point is you can’t go all willy-nilly and start making awkward transitions and pretending Norse and Greek myths are from the same canonical universe because next thing you know you’ll be acting like there isn’t any difference between the Flash and Quicksilver just because they both have super speed, but trust me, there’s a big freaking difference.”

  “What is it with you and your pathological hatred of Quicksilver?” I ask.

  “He’s nothing but a Flash knockoff!” shouts Chris. “Nothing! They had to make him the son of Magneto for him to become even remotely interesting!”

  “But I didn’t confuse the two universes,” says Jimmy. “I used a story from each one separately to illustrate my point.”

  “I know that and you know that,” says Chris. “But poser geeks wearing Batman shirts they don’t deserve to wear don’t know that.”