Your Princess is in Another Castle

by Richard Fore

Seth begins laughing uncontrollably, putting his arms around Chris and me. “Don’t think I’ve forgotten about you, Justin,” he says to me. “It was you who suggested going to Target. You could have suggested Wal-Mart or Toys R Us, but you didn’t. Because you knew. Knew that it would be only at Target where we would cross paths with Jerry Reeves and Delilah Summons. And we alone heeded their call!”

  Seth takes his arms off Chris and me and stretches them towards the sky. “Bartender! Give me a shot. A double-shot. Of anything, I don’t care what.” Drink in hand, Seth looks down the bar at Jimmy. “I’m grateful to you as well, Jimmy. You used Tolkien to turn the tide in favor of coming here. I’m glad you joined us.”

  “So am I,” says Jimmy. “So am I.”

  “Now I was the first to find who I wanted,” says Seth. “But I trust you three also enjoyed your parties?”

  We all explain our stories to Seth. Jimmy spoke most casually by far, perhaps due to him having already experienced his fantasy with Felicia so many times before. Chris lost none of his enthusiasm in explaining his party for the third time. Seth listened to me keenly as I told him about my conversation with Christine. He made no comments about me not having sex with her, his euphoria over the twins leaving him unconcerned. My story finished, we all drink in silence for a few moments, reflecting on our experiences.

  “I had a thought last night while I was in bed with the twins,” says Seth. “Lacey was on my left, Stacey was on my right. Or was it the other way around? I’m not sure. They’re identical twins you see, so it’s hard to tell for sure. Anyway, while I had my arms around the twins I started thinking about the novel A Game of Thrones. You guys have read that, right?”

  “Yeah, I have,” I say. “Although I haven’t read the latest book in the series yet.”

  “I’ve read the entire series,” says Chris. “After I gave up on Robert Jordan ever finishing The Wheel of Time.”

  “What about you, Jimmy?” asks Seth.

  “I couldn’t get past the prologue of the first book,” says Jimmy. “I’d heard good things, but it was nothing but a transparent Tolkien imitation. George R.R. Martin even uses the same double R initials as J. R.R. Tolkien, which is just inviting comparison. And the world needs more Tolkien imitators about as much as CollegeHumor.com needs more uploaded pictures of snowmen with erections. Martin’s whole concept of an ancient evil returning to life in the harsh, cold land of the north is nothing more than an icy rip-off of the land of Mordor, where the shadows lie.”

  “Allrighty,” says Seth. “For the uninitiated, there’s a character in A Game of Thrones named Jamie Lannister. He’s a badass knight who slew the previous king of The Seven Kingdoms of Westeros. Now that king was a madman, so he had it coming. And after the regicidal deed was done, Jamie Lannister became known as the Kingslayer. He performed a very notable deed and was rewarded for it with an awesome nickname. Everyone in Westeros knows Jamie Lannister to be the Kingslayer.

  “Now, I myself just banged a pair of twins. So from now on, I want to be known as the Twinbanger. When you see me, you’ll greet me by saying ‘hail, Twinbanger!’ You will also refer to me as the Twinbanger even when I’m not around, in fact, especially when I’m not around. For example, you’d say ‘party at Twinbanger’s, are you going?’ or ‘have you seen the Twinbanger lately?’ I believe I’ve earned such a title.”

  “Sorry, Seth, but I can’t do that,” says Chris. “Because you didn’t actually earn it. Now, if we’d gone down to Tijuana or something and you’d actually seduced a pair of twins and gotten them into bed with pure skill then yeah, you could be known as the Twinbanger. But Lacey and Stacey were bought and paid for, just not by you yourself. But bought and paid for all the same. It’s like if Jamie Lannister had hired an assassin to kill the mad king. That wouldn’t actually make Jamie the Kingslayer.”

  “Chris’ right,” I say. “I have a thing for one of my professors, Mary McMullan. She’s substantially older than me. So if I hooked up with her now, I could say I’ve been with a milf. But that’s because of the age difference. If I were a middle-aged professor myself and got together with Mary, then I’d hardly be able to boast about the milf I’d just scored because then it’d just be a normal workplace romance.”

  “Yeah,” says Jimmy. “If you want to read some good fantasy other than The Lord of the Rings, you should pick up a copy of the Saga of the Volsung or something else that Tolkien was inspired by. I mean honestly, any fantasy post-Tolkien isn’t worth reading because every other author is ultimately just ripping off Tolkien in one way or another. But I agree that you shouldn’t be known as the Twinbanger. While it is true that we all made a sacrifice to get these girls, a significant sacrifice even, it was not through our own prowess that it was accomplished. So a nickname to be referred to by, well, that was not earned this day.”

  “I see the points you’re all making,” says Seth. “So I will hold off on the Twinbanger title until such a time as it has been truly earned. And hopefully that time will be soon, because I’m pretty much done with one-on-one sex. It just won’t be the same anymore. Not now. Not after the Lee twins.”

  “Ah, what have we here?” asks a voice. I turn and see that it’s Delilah Summons who spoke. She stands behind us wearing a sleeveless black outfit showing off her many tattoos as well as thigh-high leather boots. She also has violet eyes, which I didn’t notice until now.

  Delilah reminds me of the first time I reached Shao Kahn while playing Mortal Kombat II in the arcade. With no idea what to do Kahn proceeded to beat me down so hard it made the defeats of Darth Maul and Boba Fett look like the death of Roland himself. Having used my last quarters just to reach Kahn, our first match was also our last, a less than a minute ordeal that left me wondering how I could possibly be able to handle him. Sex with Delilah would likely be similar, a blink and I’d miss it affair that would conclude with her putting her foot on my chest and raising her arm in victory. Though I would not last long, for Delilah the very point would be a quick victory in which I put forth no resistance.

  “The ones who came,” says Delilah. She paces back and forth in front of us like a drill sergeant and appears to be about as impressed as one would be with a pack of new recruits. “An incestigator,” she says placing her hands on Seth’s shoulders. “A pussy,” she says slapping me upside the head. “A shrimper,” she says placing her foot against Chris’ crotch. “And a beastman,” she says to Jimmy which she follows up by purring like a cat. “A curious quartet. But I think that you’re the nastiest of all,” Delilah says as she sits on Chris’ lap.

  “You’re really one to talk,” counters Chris. “I mean have you watched your own scenes lately? There are Japanese schoolgirls who’ve been tentacle-raped and gone through a hundred man bukkake that have less to be ashamed about than you do.”

  Delilah slaps Chris across the face as hard she can. Before he can react she shoves her tongue down his throat. Chris wraps his arms around Delilah and they engage in a primeval makeout.

  “I’m here to offer you all a second go around,” says Delilah, finally coming up for air. “But only with me. And not for free of course, but half off my regular price. At least for the incestigator, the beasty boy, and my shrimper, here.” Delilah bites Chris’ earlobe. “The virgin, however, I’ll still have for free, since so far he’s been too much of a pussy to actually use his get out of celibacy free card.”

  I look at Delilah wondering if Christine told her everything we talked about. She smirks back at me while twirling her finger through Chris’ hair.

  “Don’t look so surprised, virgin,” says Delilah. “Your little all-American Barbie girl didn’t tell me anything. I wouldn’t waste even a moment of my time talking with that saccharine-laden cupcake. No, I had you pegged as a virgin the moment I saw you standing in line at that Target store. And I can see that nothing’s changed yet.

  “I just don’t want you to leave here with the only hand that’s ever touched your dick still being your own. And since yo
u and your friends were the only four who came here, I’m extending you all some special courtesy. Now, you four can take me on one at a time or all at once, your choice.”

  I recall the Shredder challenging the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles in the same manner back in their comic debut.

  “Sorry darlin’ but count me out,” says Seth. “I’m completely depleted. Lacey and Stacey were pretty much insatiable. So I’m spent. And I want my last memory here to be of me in bed with my arms around both of the twins. And just for the record, I’m not an incestigator. They didn’t do anything to each other, so it wasn’t incest.”

  “Uh-huh,” says Delilah. “So you didn’t have them stroke each other’s hair, have one drape her leg across the other’s while you went down on them both, and have them do as much caressing of each other as they were willing to do?”

  “You’re not running a monastery here,” says Seth.

  “Count me out too, Delilah,” says Jimmy. “No offense, but with the tattoos and all you’re just too human for me. And I’m also totally spent.”

  “Fine,” says Delilah. “But you’re still game at least, aren’t you?” she asks Chris while fondling his crotch.

  Chris nods approvingly and rubs Delilah’s leg.

  “Good,” says Delilah. “So it’ll be the foot fetishist and his virgin buddy in a double team. I like that. You guys can do an eiffel tower on me.”

  “What’s an eiffel tower?” asks Chris.

  Delilah rolls her eyes. She whispers what is presumably an explanation into Chris’ ear and he winces.

  “I’m going to say no, too,” I say. “And I didn’t waste my visit. I spent all of last night with Christine Dayspring.”

  “Aw, I know ya did,” says Delilah. “And I bet you cuddled and snuggled the shit out of her, didn’t you? So what is it that you’re afraid of, virgin? Why the fear to fuck?”

  “I’m not afraid of anything,” I say. “And what Christine and I had last night was better than sex.”

  “That was pathetic,” says Delilah. She bounds off Chris’ lap and stands him up. “So, it looks you’re the only one who’s got the balls to handle me. And I mean that literally. Did you guys know that your friend here is hung like a mammoth?”

  Chris reddens. “You’re down with the whole foot fetish thing, right?”

  “You’re gonna do whatever the hell I tell you to do and nothing more,” rasps Delilah. She drags Chris away by the hand.

  “Delilah’s right,” says Jimmy. “I went swimming with Chris once back in high school. Saw him change in the locker room. He tried to hide it, but I saw. You know how in the film version of The Return of the King the Witch-King swung around that gigantic flail? Well, that flail is pretty much Chris soft. When he’s fully erect he’s gotta be like Grond, you know the huge wolf’s head battering ram that the orcs use to break down the gate of Gondor? His moneyshot must be like the spread gun from Contra.”

  Contra. One of my favorites on the NES has just been ruined.

  “You never know who will get one,” says Seth. “That’s what Kurt Vonnegut said in Slaughterhouse-Five. Chris is lucky though, to be armed with something like Grond down there. My siege weapon isn’t even as impressive as that one orc blowing up the wall of Helm’s Deep with gunpowder.”

  “Hey,” I say, “as Tom Servo once told Mike Nelson, don’t compare yourself, it ain’t healthy.”

  “I guess that’s what us folks armed with Sting should tell ourselves,” says Seth.

  “Remember Tolkien’s words,” says Jimmy. “In the second chapter of The Fellowship of the Ring, we’re told that all we have to decide is what to do with the size that is given us. Well, Tolkien said the time given us, but the principle is the same. Besides, that flail the Witch-King had in the movie was so big it wasn’t even practical to use in combat. Had the Witch-King gone to the Mordor blacksmith and requested a smaller flail that could actually be wielded properly as opposed to going huge solely for the intimidation factor, well, maybe then he’d have actually managed to slay Eowyn as opposed to being killed by her.”

  “It’s alright,” says Seth. “I’ve got a tongue long enough to rival Venom’s. So why’d Chris try and hide it from you, though? At the pool, I mean.”

  “Because Chris didn’t want a bunch of girls finding out about it,” says Jimmy. “See, this was back in high school. During our junior year Chris got his first real girlfriend, a girl named Melanie. They were together for a long time, and were serious enough along that they’d talked about going to the same college together after graduation. They’d even had a few discussions about getting married at some point in the future. Melanie was also a very religious girl. One of those types who didn’t believe in sex before marriage. And Chris was okay with that. He understood Melanie’s decision, because Chris has a spiritual side, too. But it was hard for him.

  “Now, Chris was aware of his enormous endowment and he told me that he often fantasized about using it to his advantage and hooking up with every girl in school. Chris imagined becoming known as the Red Mage. As in the Red Mage from the original Final Fantasy. The guy with the red outfit, cane, and pimp hat. The Red Mage dressed like a real mac daddy. But the Red Mage also did everything. He could fight with a sword effectively. He could use white magic. He could use black magic. He did it all. Just like how Chris wanted to hook up with every girl at school. He wanted to do them all like the Red Mage did it all.

  “But Chris didn’t. He was entirely devoted to Melanie. He was going to wait for her to be his first. That’s why Chris asked me to keep his size a secret. He didn’t want to be tempted from straying from Melanie by another girl telling him she’d heard of his endowment. But then right before graduation Chris caught Melanie in bed with some other guy. It shattered his world. His faith was shaken. The old Chris who was willing to save himself for marriage would have never come to the Moonlite Bunny Ranch. But that Chris died when he caught Melanie in bed with someone else. It was a classic LLGS type trauma.”

  “LLGS type trauma?” asks Seth.

  “LLGS, it stands for Like Losing Gwen Stacy,” says Jimmy.

  “What was the guy’s name?” I ask. “The guy Melanie cheated on Chris with, I mean.”

  “I don’t know,” says Jimmy. “Why do you ask?”

  “I was just wondering if Scott was the guy’s name,” I say.

  The three of us are debating whether or not the White Mage of the original Final Fantasy was intended to be female when Chris returns to us. He appears as if he’s been through hell but also wears a look of contentment, as if he’d finally slain his archenemy after a grueling duel.

  “I hadn’t even taken off the condom yet when Delilah shoved me out of bed and told me to get lost,” says Chris. “And the whole time we’re doing it I’m trying to put my hands here and there and trying to get into this and that position but Delilah’s not letting me do anything. She’s calling all the shots and is in total control like a sadistic dungeon master. It was really hot except she absolutely refused to take off her boots for me. Every time I tried to she just kicked my hands away.”

  “What did her fee end up being?” asks Seth.

  “Not that much since it was fifty percent off,” says Chris. “But I’m gonna have to be eating ramen noodles for breakfast and lunch over the next week or so.” Chris tosses me his car keys. “You’re going to have to drive us home. I’ve got no energy left. I’m just gonna lie in the backseat and take a breather.”

  “So I guess this is it then,” says Jimmy. “Chris, I’ll see you again in a few weeks over Christmas break. Oh, and guys, any advice on what I should tell my roommate? When I left my dorm I said I’d be coming back with a PS3.”

  “Tell him we got robbed by a group of X-Box 360 fanboys,” I say.

  “Tell him the truth,” says Seth. “I don’t feel any shame about this. I’m rather proud to have been so easily swayed by the pleasures of the flesh.”

  Jimmy shakes Seth’s hand. “Maybe I will. Thank you for lett
ing me join you on this adventure. May there be triplets in your future.”

  Seth smiles at that thought. “I envy the man who’s been with twenty-seven different Felicias. But may you one day find your Maid Marian.”

  Jimmy clasps my hand. “Yours is a difficult destiny. Already you have begun walking the path that will lead to the Dawnless Day. But you must always remember that you can endure, and that the golden dawn will follow.”

  “So it is written in the Nemedian Chronicles,” I say.

  Jimmy scoffs. “If you feel you simply must read fantasy authors other than Tolkien, then precursors like Robert E. Howard are acceptable alternatives, I suppose.”

  Chris and Jimmy embrace. “It was good to see you again, Jimmy,” says Chris. “Over Christmas break maybe one of us will actually score a PS3 and we can play some Resistance together or something.”

  “Still not playing Halo?” asks Jimmy.

  “Still not playing Halo,” says Chris.

  “Well gentlemen, this has been quite an adventure,” says Jimmy. “But we must say farewell for now. I will not say do not weep, for not all tears are an evil. And if you fellows would be interested in adding an epilogue to this little tale, then come on out to California next summer for the San Diego Comic-Con.”

  “I’ve always wanted to go to one of those,” I say.

  “We’d have to cosplay,” says Chris.

  “How about a light warriors theme from the first Final Fantasy?” asks Jimmy.

  “I call the Red Mage,” says Chris.

  “As long as I’m not the Black Mage,” says Seth. “He’s too Orko for me.”

  I volunteer to be the Thief, and silently imagine how adorable Jessica would be as the White Mage.

  Chapter 10: An Opportunity for a Langella Monologue?

  Not holding back this time, I perform Scorpion’s toasty fatality on Chris’ Sub-Zero, the culmination of a narrow third round victory. I’m about to put down the controller for Seth to claim but Chris demands a rematch before I can let go of it.