Your Princess is in Another Castle
Page 30
“My other promise? Oh, that’s right. I said that at San Diego I was finally going to be ready to let a second player join in with me.”
Sabrina pushes me down and rolls on top of me. “Yeah, and I’m ready to press start to play, baby.”
“Right here?”
“Uh, yeah, beds are the traditional venue for this kinda thing, actually.”
I run my hand through Sabrina’s hair. “Well, we did just finish putting on our costumes. But okay, I’m ready. Just take off your pointy ears. I don’t want to wind up forever an elf-fetishist because you were wearing them during my first time.”
Sabrina removes her ears and throws them on the floor. She kisses me.
“I love you,” I say.
“I know,” she says, kissing me again. “Now take off my clothes.”
We’re interrupted mid-button removal by a loud knock on the door. Sabrina gives me the evil eye, as if I were responsible for summoning this distraction.
“Don’t answer it,” I say. “They’ll take the hint and we’ll meet up with them later.”
The knocking becomes louder and faster. “Come on, let’s go!” says the voice of Chris. “I want to get there in time for the Iron Man movie panel so I can heckle them about how much better the Flash film is going to be.”
Sabrina presses her forehead against mine. “There isn’t even a Flash film in development.”
“Tell that to him,” I say.
Sabrina reluctantly buttons herself up and opens the door. “There isn’t going to be any Flash film,” she says, mostly out of sexual frustration but with a touch of disappointment with Warner Bros.
“As soon as Christopher Nolan finishes up with the Dark Knight, he’ll move on to the Scarlet Speedster,” says Chris. He’s decked out in full Red Mage costume, complete with red robes, pointed hat, and cane, looking like he could just as easily pass for a pimp at a Las Vegas pimp n’ hoe ball. “I’m certain of it. Just like how I’m also certain that Scarlett Johansson will be playing Poison Ivy in Nolan’s third bat-film. He directed her in The Prestige and he’s a heterosexual male, so it’s inevitable that he’ll eventually make the Ivy/Scarlett connection.
“Actually, that’d be pretty good casting,” says Sabrina.
“It sure would,” I say.
“What happened to your ears?” asks Seth, looking at Sabrina. He’s dressed as Albert Wesker circa Resident Evil 4, sporting a long black coat, shades, and spiky blonde hair. Seth spots Sabrina’s ears on the floor and smiles. “Chris, I think we may have just sabotaged an attempt at fornication.”
“Oh, hey, we can meet up with you two later,” says Chris. “I mean, you might expect some cockblocking from the Thief class, but the Red Mage would hate to be responsible for preventing coitus. If the White and Black Mages are hooking up and need the tent to themselves for the night, then the Red Mage will just step outside and practice chanting some spells and swinging his sword.”
“That’s quite all right,” says a blushing Sabrina.
“We were just getting ready to leave,” I say. I recover Sabrina’s ears and place them upon her. “Tonight,” I whisper.
Sabrina smiles at me. “Tonight,” she whispers back.
“So where’s Jimmy?” I ask.
“Jimmy’s actually got a room a few floors up,” says Chris. “We’re meeting him next.”
“Okay, beloved,” says Sabrina wrapping her arm around mine, “ready to escort me while we travel along with these ruffians? Not that I’m not perfectly capable of taking care of business myself.”
“I’ve seen Zelda in action,” says Seth. “In Zelda’s Adventure for the CD-i. It wasn’t a pretty sight.”
“You’ve probably only ever seen the cutscenes,” I say. “Those CD-i games are decent if you can look beyond the cutscenes.”
“I like that Sabrina’s taken to using the same pet name for you, Ryan, that Talia calls Batman,” says Chris. “And I’d love to see Talia in a Nolan bat-film, too. And she’d have to call Batman her beloved, of course. If she doesn’t call Batman beloved, doesn’t love him, doesn’t care about him, if she’s just Ra’s al Ghul the Second or something, well then you’re not really using the Talia character, are you? You may as well just call her Amy, then. Amy al Ghul. Because she certainly wouldn’t be Talia. But remember fanboys and girls, Nolan knows what he’s doing, so if we see Talia, we’ll see her done right. Now, let’s go pick up our final party member. ”
We pass a gorgeous cosplayer dressed as Felicia in the hallway as we head for Jimmy’s room. Acknowledging us as fellow costumed conventioneers, Felicia gives us a wave with her cat’s paw. Chris winks at me as she passes, prompting a curious look from Sabrina, while Seth turns to stare at Felicia’s ass as she walks away.
Jimmy opens his hotel room door and is dressed as the Witch-king of Angmar, Lord of the Nazgul.
“Before anyone says anything,” says Seth, “I just want to confirm that you did in fact just have sex with that girl dressed as Felicia.”
“If you must know,” says Jimmy, “as a matter of fact, I did.”
“Excellent,” says Seth. “I won’t make a joke then about how you look more like the Ghost of Christmas Future then one of the Nazgul.”
“That’s funny,” says Jimmy. “So, Wesker, Red Mage, Link, it’s good to see you all again.” Jimmy kneels and kisses Sabrina’s hand, an out of character act of chivalry for a Ringwraith. “And you must be Princess Zelda. I apologize for the crassness of your companion.”
“I’m used to that and worse,” says Sabrina. “But it’s nice to meet you, Jimmy.”
“Good to see you, Jimmy,” I say. “And you’re pretty noble for a Nazgul.”
“Well, they were kings of men once before they were corrupted by Sauron,” says Jimmy.
“A pleasure as always, Jimmy,” says Chris. “And I’m glad to see that your con tradition still stands.”
“Yes, well,” says Jimmy, “I started talking to an Elder Scrolls series fan recently on Facebook who always plays as a Khajiit and has several pet cats, so that tradition may be ending soon, with a little bit of luck. How about you? Are you still seeing Samantha Anderson?”
“Yeah, we’re still together,” says Chris. “Although she went on a ski trip with some friends recently and suffered through a horrible incident that caused her to lose a toe to frostbite. So it’s been a struggle for me lately, but we’re working through it.”
“I understand,” says Jimmy.
“Ah, the joys of having all male friends,” says Sabrina.
“Darlin,’” says Seth, “I could always make a few phone calls and then you could spend every day of the Comic-Con in your hotel room watching a marathon of The Real Housewives with some newly acquired galpals if you preferred.”
“Point taken,” says Sabrina.
“Speaking of the Comic-Con,” I say, “why don’t we head on over there?”
“Absolutely,” says Jimmy, “but could I have a quick moment with you in private first?”
“Sure,” I say. Jimmy and I move away from the rest of the group.
“So, Chris gave me an abbreviated version of all that happened,” says Jimmy. “He also said that you were turning your experiences into an autobiographical novel. I’d like to read it when it’s finished. But what I really want to know is what happened to you during the Dawnless Day. I suspect you didn’t tell Chris the full story of what went down during your darkest hours, and I’d understand if you didn’t want to tell me, but I’m curious.”
There’s no point in lying to Jimmy. With his knowledge of Tolkien lore he’ll always be able to see things for what they really are, just as Frodo was able to see the true visages of the Nazgul while wearing the One Ring.
“What I didn’t tell Chris,” I say, “or anyone else aside from Sabrina for that matter, was that in addition to my bad boy experimentation I stayed up late one night reading the novels Twilight and New Moon in one sitting,” I say.
“Those books about the
sparkly vampires and the women who love them? By Gandalf’s beard, man! I mean, I knew that you were going to face the sea of darkness and all therein that may be explored, but Twilight? So, the night is indeed darkest just before the dawn. You might want to leave that particular anecdote out of your book, though. I’m just saying.”
Chris is explaining to Seth and Sabrina that Jimmy was likely simply confirming that the events he prophesized would occur had indeed taken place as we return to the group and board the elevator.
“My goal at the Con,” says Chris apropos of nothing, “is to confront one of those G4 Network hostesses like Olivia Munn with a bombardment of elementary-level questions regarding geek culture that she’ll fail to answer. Hopefully, someone will catch the incident on video and upload it onto YouTube, exposing the poser hostess to the world as the fraud that she is.”
“I’m hoping to meet some Jill Valentine and Claire Redfield cosplayers and become part of a Jill sandwich,” says Seth.
“I’ve already succeeded in my goal,” says Jimmy. “Although, there’s nothing wrong with being an overachiever.”
“On a saner, more abstinence-minded path, I’d like for Neil Gaiman to autograph a Sandman trade for me,” says Sabrina. She takes my hand. “And I already know what my beloved wants.”
“You do?” I ask.
“I do,” says Sabrina. She smiles at me.
We exit the elevator into the lobby and Sabrina jumps onto my back and kisses me on the cheek. I give her a piggyback ride through the lobby.
“How’d you know?” I ask, letting Sabrina down as we reach a revolving door.
“Well, I’ve been sneaking peaks of your book here and there for awhile, now. And I remember in the first chapter the narrator talks about wanting the kind of girlfriend who likes public piggyback rides.”
As I hug Sabrina, I see the hotel desk clerk roll his eyes at us. One of those couples, he thinks.
Table of Contents
Chapter 1: The Beginning of a Fantastic Story
Chapter 2: Of Wolverines, Nightcrawlers, and Dazzlers
Chapter 3: The Riddle of Pong
Chapter 4: Jackpot (or not)
Chapter 5: Dateless Assemble!
Chapter 6: The Reason for Photo Booths
Chapter 7: An Incident Regarding the Improper Wearing of a Bat-shirt
Chapter 8: Failure to Launch
Chapter 9: In the Pale Moonlite
Chapter 10: An Opportunity for a Langella Monologue?
Chapter 11: Mirror Universe Makeover
Chapter 12: Winners Don’t Use Drugs
Chapter 13: The World’s Finest
Epilogue: Jacob’s Ladder