by Agatha Frost
“I thought she said she’d just watched a documentary?” Jessie whispered, to which Dot stamped on her foot. “Ouch!”
“I’m going with him,” Dawn cried, bolting to the door as the paramedics rushed him towards the ambulance directly in front of the manor doors. “He needs me.”
“You need to stay,” Julia called out, the words almost catching in her throat. “You can’t leave.”
“He’s my husband!”
“There’s nothing you can do,” Barker said, pulling Dawn back from the door. “You can’t leave until this is figured out.”
“I don’t care about this stupid investigation,” she cried, thrashing against Barker as the paramedics closed the ambulance doors. “He can’t be alone.”
“You’re not leaving,” DS Christie said firmly, standing in the doorway. “I’m sorry, but you’re still a suspect until we say otherwise.”
“I’ll go, Auntie Dawn,” Bella said, rushing towards the door. “I’ll make sure he’s okay.”
Barker nodded at DS Christie. He stepped to the side and let Bella rush after the ambulance. She banged on the back doors until they opened up. They sped off before she had even fully closed them behind her.
Julia looked at Jessie and Billy, who were standing hand in hand in the archway to the sitting room. Conrad was slumped in the corner of the stairs crying to himself, and Heather was massaging Casper’s stump in the kitchen, his prosthetic sitting on the counter.
“I can’t believe Theo froze up like that,” Barker whispered after letting go of Dawn. “He looked scared.”
Dawn stumbled past Conrad and made her way carefully up the stairs. She opened her bedroom door, slamming it behind her.
“Why would he take an overdose?” DS Christie asked, walking up behind them with crossed arms. “I don’t understand.”
“It’s not the first time,” Julia explained, pulling the note from her pocket. “The first note was longer than this one. I suddenly feel like it has the answers we need to figure this out.”
“At least we know where Hilary’s pills went,” Dot exclaimed. “I do hope the old girl is okay. I don’t like her all that much, but when you get to a certain age, you want to go out in a blaze of glory, not after being pushed down the stairs. I think I might call Brian to see how she’s doing.”
Dot shuffled past them, shaking her head softly. She cast an eye to the leg on the table, but she did not make a comment. She placed a cup next to it and began preparing a pot of tea.
“What’s going on?” Katie cried from the top of the stairs, her eyes half closed, and her hands on her bump. “The sirens woke me up.”
“Ethan had a heart attack,” Julia explained. “Go back to bed. There’s nothing you can do.”
Katie sighed heavily before turning and waddling back to her bedroom. Julia could not imagine spending the final days of pregnancy in such a tense situation. Sue had had the right idea getting Neil to pick her up before things turned serious. She pulled her phone from her pocket to see if her sister had messaged her, but it was on the picture of Casper’s footprints on the carpet. She flicked to the image of the fleshy blur.
“What do you see, Billy?” Julia asked, eager for a fresh opinion.
“Looks like a bum,” he offered as he squinted under the shadow of his cap. “Is it Barker’s?”
“No, it’s not!” Barker snapped before turning back to the study. “I’m going to go over all these notes. Maybe I’ve missed something.”
Jessie and Billy wandered into the sitting room, while Conrad leaned against the bannister, his eyes fluttering. Leaving them alone, Julia wandered up the stairs and walked into Dawn’s bedroom without invitation.
She was curled up on top of the ornate four-poster bed in the dark, her eyes blank and unblinking as she clung to a giant fluffy pillow. Julia closed the door behind her and flicked on the bedside lamp. Dawn squinted, but she did not look up at Julia.
“They’re going to do their best to save him,” Julia whispered as she brushed Dawn’s pale hair from her face. “They got here quickly.”
Dawn shrugged. Whether it was a shrug to indicate she did not care if her husband would live or die, or she did not care about what Julia had to say, Julia did not know.
“There’s something I want to ask you,” Julia said calmly. “Something I think you’ve known for twenty-three years, but never allowed yourself to say out loud.”
Dawn closed her eyes slowly before springing them back open again. She slid up the silk duvet cover and leaned against the headrest, the giant pillow clutched in front of her. She suddenly looked less like a woman in her forties, and more like a girl Bella’s age.
“No,” she said, her voice muffled by the pillow. “No, no, no. It’s not true.”
“Is there a chance that Luke was Theo’s son?” Julia asked bluntly, resting her hand against Dawn’s sock, the only part of her she could reach. “And is there a chance Luke knew?”
“No, you’ve got this all wrong,” Dawn said, edging her foot away as she clenched her eyes. “Luke is – I mean, he was Ethan’s. You can’t prove otherwise.”
“You’re right,” Julia said as she carefully crawled up the bed to lean against the headrest with Dawn. “I can’t. But you know in your heart of hearts if he was. What month was Luke born?”
“September.”
“And you got pregnant in February?” Julia asked. “Or did you find out you were pregnant in February, and were you really already pregnant when Theo ended things over the phone?”
“I ended up in bed with Ethan when I went to give Theo the present,” Dawn said defiantly. “That’s when I got pregnant.”
Just from the wobble in the woman’s voice, Julia knew she was trying to convince herself, just like she had been for the last two decades.
“You know as well as I do that you didn’t get pregnant with Ethan the first time, and then never again for the next decade. You said yourself you tried up until your thirties to conceive with him.”
“We were unlucky,” Dawn whispered, turning to Julia with hopeful eyes. “Luck, Julia. Nothing more.”
“But is there a chance?” Julia asked, leaning her head against the wooden headrest to stare up at the glittering light in the ceiling. “There was an overlap. You can’t know for certain, can you?”
Julia rolled her eyes to Dawn, who could only offer a shake of her head.
“Is that what Ethan’s first note was about?” Julia asked. “Did he know?”
“What?”
“The suicide note,” Julia said. “The one Jessie tore up.”
“I told you, that has nothing to do with this.”
“So, it wasn’t about Luke?”
“Why would it be?” she barked, suddenly sitting up and narrowing her eyes sternly on Julia. “I told you, it’s got nothing to do with what happened to Luke.”
“What was Ethan guilty about?” Julia asked, thinking back to the second note. “What is haunting him so much that he tried to take his own life for a second time?”
Dawn reached into her pocket to pull out the note. It was crinkled, and the tape had started to peel off. She clung to it for the longest time, her reluctance to let Julia in on the secret palpable.
“I had no idea about this,” Dawn said, opening up the note to look down at the scribbled writing. “He never told me a thing. I’ve been trying to forget I ever read this. I only brought it here because I haven’t been able to part with it since. I hoped if I just clung to it and nobody found out, we could go back to normal and pretend none of it ever happened.”
With shaky hands, Dawn held out the note, the paper rustling. Julia leaned across the bed and flicked on the second bedside lamp, flooding the grand room with more yellowy light. She accepted the letter, gulped hard, and began to read:
‘To Dawn.
I’m so sorry to do this to you. After reading this, you’ll understand. I hope you don’t hate me too much, it’s just impossible to live with this secret for another day. I’ve clung onto
it for three long years, and there has not been a day that I haven’t tortured myself about it. You know me. I put on a brave face for the world, but no more. The lie has to end, and I hope this family can feel some peace when they know the truth. I hope you can all forgive me and understand why I did it.
Bethany wasn’t driving the car, nor was she drunk. I was driving, and I was the drunk one. She left the party for some fresh air, and she saw me in my car. She came over and got in, and started talking to me. You know I’ve always been able to hide how I feel. I lied and said I’d had a couple of drinks, but I was okay to drive. She said she wanted some cigarettes. She’d only just taken it up but was scared to smoke in front of her dad. I said I’d drive her to buy some if she promised to quit. The second I pulled out of the car park, I knew I’d made a mistake, but I kept going. The nearest shop was closed, but I knew about that little shop on the edge of Burgwood Forest that was open twenty-four hours. Remember it? It was the one we used to buy ice pops from in the middle of the night when Luke was teething. I was going too fast. She told me to slow down, but I told her she was safe with me. ‘Uncle Ethan will look after you’. A dog ran out into the road. I should have just hit it and carried on. It would have been better than what happened. I veered off. I smashed into that tree. I was wearing my seatbelt, but Bethany wasn’t. I hadn’t even noticed. I should have checked before I set off.
Everything hurt, but I somehow got out of the car. I walked around to the passenger seat, but she was dead. I didn’t want to be blamed for what happened, so I switched seats. I knew I couldn’t look at any of you ever again if you thought I’d done this. She was so thin and tiny. It was like picking up a doll. I put her behind the wheel and strapped myself into the passenger seat, and then I started screaming for help. A car drove past a minute later and called an ambulance. I couldn’t bring myself to look at her. I wanted to close my eyes and die too. I wish I had. I killed her, and her final act in life was to take the blame for me. I don’t know if there’s an afterlife, but I suspect I won’t be going to the same place as sweet Bethany. I deserve that.
Believe me when I say that I’m sorry.
There’s a couple of thousand pounds in the safe for a funeral. The combination is Luke’s birthday. I love you, Dawn. I always have, and I always will.
I was never truly yours, was I?
Ethan.’
A tear ran from Julia’s eye and landed on the paper, spoiling the ink. She let the letter fall from her hands as though it was made from lead. She turned to Dawn, who had resumed staring blankly into space.
“That was on Bethany’s three-year anniversary,” Dawn said with a sudden calmness. “It’s been hell on Earth since that day. Ethan tried to resume his usual act of pretending everything was fine, but I could see right through it. I’d pulled back the curtain, and seen that the wizard was nothing more than a pathetic, little man. I was disgusted by what he had done. I came here hoping to see Theo. I wanted the good brother again. I was tired of living a lie.”
“Where were you when Luke died?” Julia asked. “Were you with Theo?”
Dawn nodded. She tossed the pillow across the bed, sat up, and crossed her legs. She began to fiddle with the frayed edge of her black jeans, mesmerised by the thread as she pulled on it.
“Ethan was asleep,” Dawn explained. “I slipped out and went to see Theo. It was like no time had passed. It just erupted in seconds. He made me feel things I hadn’t felt since the last time he’d touched me.”
“What time was that?” Julia asked, thinking back to the timeline in her mind. “Between five and six?”
“I don’t know,” Dawn admitted, her light brows furrowing over her eyes. “I just remember seeing the clock in the bathroom when I was freshening up. It was about twenty to six.”
“How long were you in there?”
“I had a quick shower,” she admitted. “I didn’t want to go back to Ethan smelling like his brother. I think I was only gone for about fifteen minutes.”
“Where was the letter?”
“In my handbag.”
“And where was your handbag?” Julia asked. “Did you take it with you, or did you leave it with Ethan?”
Dawn turned to face Julia, her eyes crinkling as she thought.
“I took it with me, I think,” she said. “Yes, that’s right. I went back in to get it because I remember seeing Theo putting his contact lenses back in. He used to wear glasses when we were kids. That was the only way I could tell them apart before Ethan broke his nose in the crash.”
Julia jumped up, her head spinning. She pushed her hands up into her hair as the pieces finally slotted into place. Like kicking a door open and flooding her mind with light, all of the things she knew suddenly lined up and made sense. She pulled out her phone and looked down at the picture of the fleshy blur.
“It’s not what they think,” she whispered to herself. “It’s a head. A bald head. Dawn, where is Theo?”
“I – I don’t know,” she said, shaking her head as she stood up. “W-What are you saying?”
Julia had no time to explain, she pulled open the door, and looked up and down the hallway, her heart stopping when she saw Katie hobbling out of her bedroom, hands clutching her stomach, a wet patch on her pink silk nightie.
“Julia,” she moaned, her voice tight as sweat poured down her red face. “It’s happening. The baby is coming.”
15
Julia had never witnessed childbirth before, but it was nothing like she would ever have expected. Her romantic mental image of the miracle had been replaced with something much louder and messier. As she looked down at the tiny dark haired baby in Katie’s arms, its face bright red as its tiny lungs bellowed out, she could not believe how fast everything had happened.
“Katie?” Brian cried as he ran into the hospital room, sweat dripping down his face. “I’ve only just got your message, Julia. Have I -,”
Brian’s eyes drifted down to his new son. He pushed his hands up into his thick hair, his lips shaking with a confused smile.
“Your wife did amazingly,” Katie’s midwife said as she smiled down at the baby. “You should be proud of her.”
“I should have been here,” he said, his eyes fixed on the baby. “Katie, I’m so -”
“I wasn’t alone,” Katie croaked, her voice weak from all the screaming. “Julia was here the whole time. She didn’t leave my side.”
Katie gave Julia’s hand a little squeeze, softer than she had while pushing.
“I was happy to be here,” Julia said.
Brian lifted the baby from Katie’s arms and held him against his chest. His eyes watered as soon as he looked down at his son’s scrunched up face.
“Hello, little man,” he whispered, tears streaming down his lined cheeks. “Were you in a hurry to meet us?”
“Vinnie,” Katie said. “I want to call him Vinnie, after my dad.”
“Vinnie it is,” Brian said as he carefully rocked the baby. “It suits him.”
“Vinnie Jules Wellington-South,” Katie said, squeezing Julia’s hand again. “He wouldn’t be here without his big sister.”
Julia’s eyes welled up before she had time to wipe them dry. Over the last hour in the delivery room, she had grown closer to Katie than she ever thought conceivable. It would be impossible for them not to be connected on a completely new level after sharing something so important.
“How did this happen so fast?” Brian asked as he passed Vinnie back to Katie. “I thought it was supposed to be slow? We had a birthing plan.”
“There wasn’t any time for the candles and whale music, Mr South,” the midwife said. “Like you said, sometimes the baby is just in a hurry.”
“I started having contractions in bed,” Katie explained. “They were far apart and faint at first. I thought it was Braxton Hicks from the stress, but then they got worse, and my waters broke, and –”
“We came straight here,” Julia explained. “I kept trying to call you, but it went t
hrough to voicemail every time.”
“I was asleep,” he admitted, red rings around his eyes. “I was waiting for Hilary to get out of surgery. I’d still be asleep if one of the nurses hadn’t shaken me awake to tell me they were finished.”
“How is she?” Julia asked, suddenly remembering about the housekeeper’s tumble. “Is she awake?”
“Not yet,” Brian said, his eyes conveying something his lips did not want to in front of his exhausted wife. “I’m sure she’ll come around soon.”
“I think it’s time for you to give your first feed, Katie,” the midwife said, flicking through a chart as she smiled politely at Julia. “The sooner, the better.”
“I’ll leave you two alone,” Julia said, letting go of Katie’s hand for the first time since being rushed into the tiny room. “You did a great job, Katie.”
“Thank you, Julia,” she said with a soft smile. “Thank you for not leaving me.”
“I would never have left you,” Julia assured her. “We’re family, remember?”
Julia bowed her head and slipped into the sterile corridor, the fluorescent lighting blinding her from above. She caught her reflection in the glass window of the room opposite Katie’s. Her curls were scruffy and still had cake icing in them, her eyes were like dark saucers, and her navy blouse was covered in more stains than she cared to try to identify.
“Julia,” Brian whispered, slipping through the door and into the corridor. “Thank you for being here.”
“Honestly, it was nothing.”
“No, I really mean it, kid,” he said, cupping her cheek in his hand. “She’s been worrying herself sick about this for weeks. She couldn’t have got through that without you by her side.”
Julia looked through the window. Despite Katie’s damp matted hair and drained face, Julia knew Katie would never be the same woman again. She looked at the baby’s dark hair poking out of the blanket before the midwife pulled the curtain across the meshed glass.