by Amy Bratley
‘Yes,’ he said. ‘I just wish I could leave mine alone and move on without it.’
‘But I think that’s impossible,’ I said. ‘We’re a product of what’s happened to us, aren’t we? Maybe that’s why I’m slightly standoffish. Maybe because my mum died and because Ethan deserted me, I’m scared of people disappearing like that, so it’s easier to keep them at a distance.’
‘Well, I’m not going to disappear,’ Joe said. ‘Unless you ask me to. Do you want me to?’
‘No, Joe,’ I said. ‘I don’t want you to disappear, of course not.’
‘Good,’ he said, pulling me into his body.
I wrapped my arms around his middle and held him tight, pushing my face into his chest, feeling the slight vibration of his heartbeat behind his ribs. For a moment, we were quiet and our hearts beat together. Then, when Joe’s dad knocked on the front door, swearing and shouting that he didn’t have a key, we parted again.
Chapter Twenty-Seven
In the bright light of the midday sun, I sat on a park bench near the bandstand in Clapham Common, in the shade of an oak tree, with Ethan. In my hand I held a bottle of iced tea, which I sipped from nervously, repeatedly screwing the lid on and off. True to form on a sunny day in London, the hundred-odd acres of grassland around us were carpeted with people sunbathing, eating, drinking, smoking, kissing and talking.
‘So,’ Ethan said moodily, taking off his sunglasses and resting them on the large area of bench we’d left between us. ‘You called.’
I’d expected this. I’d expected Ethan to be playing victim, despite how shocking all this business with Daisy and Benji was for me too. He had always considered himself the centre of the universe. I concentrated on a man rollerblading backwards through the park, his dreadlocks flying in the air.
‘If I had a body like that,’ Ethan said, nodding at the rollerblader, ‘I’d go around completely naked at all times.’
Ethan smiled, then looked at me seriously.
‘So,’ he said. ‘Here we are.’
I bit my top lip and exhaled. I took another sip of my drink, then put the bottle down beside me.
‘I wanted to apologize about . . .’ I faltered, my attention grabbed by a toddler climbing the precarious steps of the bandstand. ‘Actually, I don’t really think I should be the one apologizing at all, but I’m sorry for how you found out about Benji. It wasn’t the best.’
Four days after smoothing things over with Joe – in which we’d spent the whole time treading on eggshells around each other – I’d called Ethan, asking him to meet me in the park to talk. I still hadn’t seen or heard from Daisy, despite me ringing her, so I wanted to see Ethan and attempt to resolve the tension between us, finally assigning him to history; then I could work out what was happening with Daisy. I thought one final meeting might help me put a big black full stop after Ethan’s name, once and for all. Now that I’d made it up with Joe, I didn’t want any concerns over Ethan getting under my skin. This, I decided, would be the best way forward.
‘Oh, that,’ he said sarcastically. ‘That was nothing.’
I looked at him, pursed my lips and narrowed my eyes. I’d forgotten how completely infuriating he was.
‘Seriously,’ I said, swinging one leg under the bench. ‘I’m sorry. I still haven’t heard from Daisy. I take it you’ve talked since the other night?’
Ethan leaned back on the park bench, his legs stretched out straight, his ankles crossed. He rubbed his eyes and sighed, folded his arms across his chest.
‘For hours,’ he said, staring forward at a group of lads playing football. ‘That night, it was awful. She was pretty bloody angry. We were up all night talking in circles.’
‘I see,’ I said, desperately wondering what they discussed, in turn irritated and worried that Daisy had been angry. How did she think Ethan or I felt? Ethan rolled and lit a cigarette – in under ten seconds – and took a drag.
‘We talked about everything,’ he said, reading my mind. ‘But mostly we talked about Benji and about what to do. Just saying his name is so surreal. I cannot believe I have a son. I mean, an actual, living child that is half mine. It’s mind-blowing! This is why they teach you about contraception at school. So you don’t end up like this. I was never very good at school.’
My stomach turned. He shook his head, annoyed with himself, then faced me.
‘I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that,’ he said. ‘This must be really horrible for you.’
‘Just a bit,’ I said bravely. ‘But the bigger issue is that you’ve become a dad and that Benji can know his dad. That’s what matters.’
‘Can you believe it?’ he said, an astonished expression on his face. ‘I mean, do I look like a dad to you? Do dads wear clothes like this? Do dads have less than a fiver in their pocket? I should stop this, for starters. Not exactly a role model, am I?’
He looked at his cigarette and threw it down onto the floor, leaned forward and stubbed it out, then he rested his head in his hands for a moment, briefly defeated, before addressing me.
‘You must hate me. Fuck, I’d hate me,’ he said, his grey-blue eyes searching mine. ‘Do you? Hate me? I’m sure you do, but I hope with all my heart that you don’t, because you know how I feel, don’t you? I think about you all the time, and I mean all the time.’
‘Don’t,’ I said, putting up my hand to stop him talking, my voice raised. ‘It’s not about what you want any more, OK? For Christ’s sake, stop being so selfish! Everything has changed. Why can’t you see that?’
A girl on the park bench opposite, eating a sandwich out of a brown-paper bag, was clearly listening in, making our lives her lunchtime viewing, so I gave her a glare and spoke more softly.
‘Some things have changed,’ Ethan said, determined to get the last word in. ‘But not everything.’
‘Anyway, I’ve been talking to Joe,’ I said, talking over him. ‘And we’re going to move in together. Since you turned up, I’ve treated him horribly, but thankfully, he has forgiven me. I hadn’t realized how I’ve been making him feel.’
I felt pleased with myself for bringing Joe into the conversation. It somehow proved my loyalty to him, despite the fact he didn’t know I was there in the park. Ethan didn’t even seem to hear me, just sat still and said nothing. I sighed heavily. I hated the way that Ethan didn’t even acknowledge the fact I had a relationship with Joe. It was as if my life didn’t count for anything. The least he could do was show that he cared, whatever he felt. I hugged my waist.
‘So did you and Daisy decide—?’ I said. ‘I mean, are you going to be a part of Benji’s life, then?’
Ethan opened his eyes wide. He creased his brow.
‘Of course I’m going to be a part of his life,’ he said loudly. The girl opposite looked up at us curiously. ‘What kind of shit would I be to just walk away now? OK, don’t answer that. But yes, I am going to be a part of his life, if Daisy will let me.’
‘Have you met him yet?’ I said, trying to imagine what it must be like for Ethan suddenly to be in this position. He must still be in shock.
‘Yes,’ he said with a smile. ‘I have met him, but only briefly. I made him an ice-cream sundae, which he refused to eat. Daisy introduced me as a family friend, then told him I was his dad. He cried. Don’t blame him. But it’s so hard to know how to feel, you know? I don’t know him, I never, ever wanted to have a son with Daisy, but now he’s here I want to do the best for him. I want to love him, be there for him and I want him to like me, as much as I like my pa.’
‘And what about Daisy?’ I said. ‘How is she?’
Ethan rubbed his face and groaned.
‘Daisy wants us to have a go at being friends,’ he said. ‘Well, actually, she wants more than that, but I’ve told her that isn’t going to happen.’
My mouth fell open. Daisy still wanted Ethan. She was still trying to get him. I laughed bitterly.
‘She doesn’t give up!’ I said. ‘You’d think she’d give up. God,
I don’t believe her. I hope you set her straight.’
‘Yes,’ he said. ‘Calm down, of course I did. But I have to be careful not to offend Daisy, because I really don’t want to jeopardize things with Benji. I couldn’t live with myself if I knew I’d messed it all up before I even had a chance at getting to know him. So I’m being as civil as I can to Daisy. We’re going to have dinner tonight at hers.’
‘How snug,’ I said, shifting in my seat. Ethan darted me a look.
‘It’s anything but snug,’ he said. ‘You have to understand I’m trying to do the responsible thing. I can’t float around not taking this seriously. My whole life has been turned upside down!’
‘OK, OK,’ I said, waving a hand at him dismissively. ‘Just do whatever you want to do. I’m not interested any more. You live your life and I’ll live mine. That’s what I came here to say, so I might as well say it.’
I started to stand, but Ethan grabbed my hand and pulled me back down to sitting.
‘I know this is all hard on you,’ he said, still gripping my hand. ‘I do know that. If I could change everything, I would, in a flash, but the fact is, Benji exists. I’ve got to make it work. I’ve got to help take care of him.’
‘I know, and you’re saying all the right things,’ I shrugged, scuffing the floor with my toe. ‘It’s just all a bit of a mess, isn’t it?’
‘It’s a complete mess,’ he said, rubbing his jaw. ‘Part of me does want to run away, back to Italy, carry on being carefree. But I can’t carry on letting people down. I let you down badly and I’m sorry about that. The only consolation is that you say you’re happy with Joe now, well . . .’
I sat silently watching people on the common, while Ethan talked. He rested his hand on my knee.
‘If you really are happy with Joe and if you want to be with him,’ he repeated, ‘I guess I’ll have to let you go. But no one could love you like I do, nobody . . .’
He stopped talking and cleared his throat. I looked at him for a long moment. I took in his dark hair, grey-blue eyes, pink lips and perfect jaw. He gave me a small smile.
‘If I had my way,’ he said, ‘you’d be on my bed, right now, naked and eating one of my finest pizzas.’
I raised my eyebrows. Ethan gave me a sideways grin.
‘Nice image,’ I said.
‘It’s a perfect image,’ he said.
I shook my head and looked up at the trees.
‘You and I can never work,’ I said, almost to myself. ‘It’s too difficult, too complicated. You’ve hurt me too many times. And now there’s Benji. Everything is different. Not to mention that I love Joe very much. I just want us to forget about . . .’
I looked at the floor, trying to find the words, wondering how I was ever going to be able to forget Ethan, when he was being ‘friends’ with my sister and being a father to my nephew. But I had to. I’d made the decision, or rather the decision had been made for me. Now I had to stick to it.
‘I just want us to say goodbye properly,’ I said resolutely. ‘Like we should have done the first time you messed up, so that we can both move forward, get on with our lives and try to be happy. What’s the point in anything if we don’t try to be happy?’
I stood up and dusted down the back of my skirt. Ethan’s eyes swept over me appreciatively and a blush crept into my cheeks. I pretended not to notice.
‘I’ve got to go,’ I said, pointing towards the exit of the common and the Underground beyond. ‘Bye, Ethan. Good luck with Benji. I suppose I’ll probably see you some time, but you know what I’m saying when I say goodbye, don’t you?’
He stood up and faced me. He lifted his hand, resting it briefly on my shoulder and pressing down slightly.
‘Let’s run away,’ he said, smiling now, letting his hand fall by his side. ‘We could fly to the States, change our names, grow beards, dye our hair . . . well, I could grow a beard.’
I grinned, grateful for Ethan’s change in mood. He was trying to make it easier on us both.
‘I’ve already done the dye thing once, and look,’ I said, pulling a face and pointing to my hair. ‘I suppose I could get my beard dyed to match. Anyway, I’d better go. Goodbye, Ethan.’
I started to walk away from him, then, after a few yards, I threw my empty bottle of iced tea into the bin and turned back to wave again. I stopped walking for a moment.
‘Goodbye,’ he said, his voice suddenly horribly, desperately serious. ‘I’m going to miss you. I already do. I never stopped.’
I didn’t turn around again. I carried on walking, my eyes cloudy with tears. This is ridiculous, I told myself, wiping angrily at my wet cheeks. This was supposed to draw a line underneath this mess with Ethan, not make me more miserable. I marched past all the people in the park enjoying the sunshine, walking away from Ethan, away from the past, away from the hurt. I was waiting to feel lighter as I moved towards the future, one with Joe, who deserved to be loved, who I knew I could be happy with. Towards a future without Ethan in it, complicating everything. But as I walked, my legs grew heavier and heavier until, right by the exit, I had to sit down on the grass. I stayed there for a few minutes, sunning my face and forcing myself to concentrate on the future, on what I was going to do next. I took a notepad out of my bag and started to write a list of things to do to get my life back on track. I wrote three points down before I put the pen back into my bag.
Joe’s car
Dad’s party
Cafe
After a few more minutes had passed, I looked back to the bench where Ethan and I had been sitting, but he was long gone. I folded up my list and stuffed it into my pocket. I looked around the park, in case he was there, somewhere. There was no sign of him now. He had gone.
Chapter Twenty-Eight
Finding the Spider was relatively easy and took just a few days of investigation. Persuading the new owner, a hard-nosed city boy who could have been on The Apprentice, to sell it back to me was more difficult. Eventually, after much wrangling and haggling, he reduced his mark-up of £400 to £300 and sold it back to me. I drove it to Joe’s flat, parking it right outside his front door. I sounded the horn. Moments later, the door flung open, and there was Joe, a confused then happy expression on his face. I turned off the engine and dangled the keys out of the window, grinning. He jogged down the wide concrete steps to the kerb, a massive smile on his lips.
‘Got it back for you,’ I said happily. ‘Returned to its rightful owner.’
Joe took the keys from me. He broke out into a laugh, running his eyes over the Spider. He patted the roof affectionately.
‘Thought I’d never see this again,’ he said. ‘That money was for you, though, for the cafe. What will you do without it? What about all the kitchen equipment you need?’
He opened the driver door and I stepped out. I looked up at Joe and he put his arms around me. I moved into his body and he hugged me tight.
‘Thank you,’ he said, kissing the top of my head. ‘You’re wonderful.’
‘No, I’m not,’ I said, pulling away slightly. ‘It was your money in the first place. But I know how much you loved your car. I’ve had an idea about getting the fifteen grand for the cafe anyway. I’m going to ask Andrew if he’d like to invest. He has more money than he knows what to do with. Those are his words.’
Joe stopped smiling and rubbed his jaw. He slung his arm over my shoulders.
‘Are you sure that’s a good idea?’ he said. ‘He doesn’t seem the most reliable bloke in the world. Last time I saw him he was off his face, passed out in the bath. Do you really think he will make a good business partner? You don’t need anyone to make it more difficult for you than it already is.’
‘Needs must,’ I said cheerfully, wriggling out from under his arm to pick up my bag from behind the car seat, hiding my annoyance that Joe was being negative about my idea. ‘He can be a silent partner. Anyway, Robert can put together a contract for me, so it won’t be like he can demand his money back immediately. Besides, he�
��s completely loaded. You should see his house.’
I slammed shut the car door and leaned over Joe’s front wall to smell a bloom of pink roses.
‘These are lovely,’ I said, holding one between my fingers.
‘Maybe you should try for an extension on the bank loan first,’ he said, ignoring me. ‘That might be a better idea. I could always look over your business plan with you?’
‘No,’ I said firmly. ‘I’ve decided to ask Andrew. This is my project, so leave it to me, OK? Just concentrate on your car, will you!’
Hearing the annoyance in my voice, Joe smiled apologetically. Though we had been treading on eggshells with each other since we’d both been honest about the Supper Club, I could feel tension boiling beneath the surface.
‘Sure,’ he said. ‘You know best. I’m interfering. This is so great.’
He opened the driver door again, climbed inside and I stood on the pavement, gazing into the distance, thinking about how I could approach Andrew. I had a business plan I’d shown to the bank manager, which I knew Andrew couldn’t find fault with, whatever Joe said.
‘I’ll do it now,’ I muttered, sending him a text, asking if I could come over to see him with a business idea. He replied instantly, telling me to come that afternoon and that he was looking after Ruby and Bella on his own.
‘It’s brilliant to have the car back,’ Joe said, grinning out at me. ‘Want to go for a spin?’
I walked round to the passenger seat, opened the door and got in.
‘Actually,’ I said, ‘could you run me to Holland Park? Might as well strike while the iron’s hot. I’ve got everything I need to show him in here. Andrew said he’s free this afternoon.’
I patted my bag, with my laptop in it, which held all my business plans.
‘I thought we were going to work on the cafe?’ he said. ‘With your dad and Isabel?’
‘We are,’ I said. ‘But we can nip to Andrew’s first. If I can secure this few grand, I’ll feel so much better about it all. We’ll go to the cafe after that, OK?’