The Healer

by Thompson, Sharon

  I let her think that I’m younger than I am. She knows I can’t read or write but then there’s many at school who can’t do either. I stay quiet.

  ‘You’re pretty and men like you. You know how to please them,’ Peggy tells me. ‘We’ll be all right if we can get you a decent job, once the baby’s born. My face and reputation is well known in Dublin. It will be difficult for me to be a legitimate businesswoman again, but we’ll make some money and look after each other.’

  She rambles on at me about finding a home for the baby. ‘I did it all the time when I was a midwife in Ranelagh. We left the babies where they’d be seen, like Moses in the bullrushes. When they were found, the guards got me to home the child with a rich family. I got money for minding the mother, and then for finding a home for the child. I did get caught at it. But this time I could make sure that a man I know finds your baby and gets it a good home.’

  I know from listening to her, though, that she has no idea where the children end up. I want my baby to have a mother like Violet is to Jude. I know that someday Jude will be with me and so will my baby. In time, when I make my money, I will take care of them both. In the meantime, I’ll need to make sure that I know where they both are.

  ‘No,’ I tell Peggy over and over. ‘He’s mine and I’ll look after him.’

  I do know that it will be difficult. But my baby will not be left on a road for someone to find, of that I am certain. He may be a son of an animal, but he’s my baby. He will love me and I will love him.

  ‘Will his father pay for him to be cared for?’ Peggy asks me.

  ‘No.’

  ‘Can your family not take him? Aunts or uncles? Even if they don’t want you?’

  ‘No.’

  ‘I can’t house children, Molly. I’m not allowed. They won’t let us keep him. If we’re to make a living we can’t have a child with us.’

  ‘I see.’

  ‘I’m sorry. I was told, too, that I can’t live with children. I might be able to find a family who we can pay to look after him?’

  This raises my spirits. ‘I’ll know where he is and how he is?’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘You agree? It’ll cost at least fifty pounds a year to do this.’

  ‘Yes.’

  I think of all the cash Bredagh took in from my healing. I get a large kick from the baby. He is nudging me to think of my gifts again. For both of us to be safe again, I may have to give in to the shadows and try to find my healing and bring it back to life.

  30

  ‘This one will be ours, if you agree,’ Peggy says, bounding up the front steps to number 34 on Mountjoy Square. ‘There are tenants below the road and the top fourth storey is not suitable, but the first and second are ours. It’s clean enough and has space for the business.’

  It takes me a time to get up the steps and look into the street. I’m not sure what business she means, but I’ve a nice feeling about the place. Children are swinging from the lamp posts and there is a green field with trees to the front and down to the right a little way. On down the street is a public house, and further still is a butcher’s. On the very end, and facing us, is a greengrocer’s and public house. The building itself, as I look upwards, is very tall and matches all the others in the row.

  I am tired of us moving about the last few weeks. I stand in the hallway and look at the bare stairs. There’s an echo as Peggy calls me to walk to the end of the downstairs hall. I pass one small room on the left and enter a large enough kitchen. She has the back door open and I can see a nice paved yard with a washing line. The back scullery is tiny but cool and the kitchen has a new looking enamel sink and wooden dresser and a good modern enough range for the cooking.

  ‘Well?’ she asks me, all hopeful. ‘How do the walls make you feel? You mention about the walls in places… What about these walls?’

  I amble towards the stairs and ask the house and my shadows to talk to me. These past few weeks, I’ve given in to the angels wanting to help me. I realise that to heal others and keep my baby safe, I’ll need to heal myself.

  There is a sink and tin bath in an upstairs room and there are four other rooms, all coming off a fair-sized landing. Peggy’s shoes clip up the boards on the stairs and she asks again, ‘Well? What do you think?’

  ‘I like it.’

  ‘It’ll cost us a lot of money. We’ll need girls to make us a good amount, but I’ve some lassies who might work for us.’

  ‘What will they do?’

  ‘They will be whores, Molly love. Do you know what whores are?’

  I should know what they are. I’ve heard the word used often enough. When Vincent had hurt me, I’m almost sure that he used that word.

  ‘I’m not sure what whores are,’ I tell her.

  ‘They will lie and fuck with men for money.’

  This stops me from going back down the stairs. I turn to look up at Peggy.

  ‘No-one will force them?’

  Peggy rests her hand on my shoulder. ‘That’s a deal, Molly darlin’. Each woman will only do what she wants to do.’

  ‘Good.’

  ‘Did the baby’s father force you?’

  ‘Don’t talk to me about that. I’m safe now.’

  ‘You do like it here? It’s on Mountjoy Square and us having been in Mountjoy Gaol it seems fittin’. Imagine that? Maybe it’s a good omen for us, Molly? Maybe we’re home?’

  31

  There are other girls in the house these days, but I mostly ignore them. One of them is called Tess. She is better to me than most, but even she makes me retreat into myself and talk with my shadows. I don’t need anyone. Time slips by on me and then the pains start. Long bursts of agony ripple across my tummy and there comes a terrible pressure down below. I’ve decided to call the baby after a Gaelic warrior from the legends I heard from Jane. He will be called Fionn. He will be my Fionn, the warrior with a wise heart.

  A peace comes to me with each spasm. My gift just takes over and it doesn’t take that long. Fionn just falls out of me. All of the love in the world cushions his slipping out onto the kitchen floor.

  ‘What in the name o’ God?’ Peggy races in the back door because she spies me sitting in the middle of the kitchen. ‘Did you not think to mention he was coming?’

  My baby lets out a wail. ‘Fionn will not take your nonsense, Peggy.’

  ‘He’s to be the stuff of legends then?’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘He’s big enough to take on giants!’

  She’s right. Fionn is healthy and perfect, with all his fingers and toes, a button nose and dark eyes like our Jude and a cry that would crack iron. Fionn clings to my breast and suckles almost immediately and there he stays. He sleeps nestled in. He is my breath, my life and my greatest gift.

  ‘You can’t keep him,’ Peggy starts. ‘Women need to be married. He’s a bastard. He will always be a bastard. He needs a family.’

  Ignoring her isn’t easy when she starts at me. Peggy wishes I could keep him, I know she does. We all want to be together, but life won’t allow this. I’m a criminal, a fallen woman in the eyes of everyone. I live in a whore-house and this is no place for a child. I’ve been hidden away, but the shadows tell me, too, that I’m right to be fearful for Fionn’s safety here.

  ‘If I’m found to be housing children, I could be put back inside. And he cries that fuckin’ loud! You need to be able to go outside and if you’re seen with him, he’ll be taken from you. Women must be married. You understand this? I can’t go back inside. Even if you did leave here, where could you go with a child? Where? Can you go home to where you’re from?’

  ‘No.’

  ‘Let’s talk about him going to that nice family that I’ve found in Cavan.’

  I don’t want to talk about any such thing.

  After a few months the time comes when I have to give in to the worst truth. I can’t be a mother to Fionn without having a father for him.

  Peggy takes me on the bus all the way to this f
armhouse way out of Dublin. It’s a better place than I thought it would be and the woman’s pleasant and big like a cow might be, if it had a face.

  ‘Himself is in the fields and the children are at school. I’ve got four of my own and we’ve taken in one already but he’s ready for school now too. There’s plenty of love and room here for another. We’ll have him praying in front of the Sacred Heart soon enough.’

  The walls are full of life and the fields have space for little legs. I touch the thickness of the house and stare at the woman who’s looking to take my Fionn. I whisper, ‘I’ll be back for him sooner than this one with me knows. The angels will protect him. He’s surrounded in beings and they’ll mind him. You care for him like he’s your own, or all the fires of hell will burn this house and all who you love.’

  Peggy’s ears are all cocked to hear me but she doesn’t ask what’s said. The woman’s pale, but smiles on.

  ‘She’s not the full shilling… sometimes,’ Peggy explains. ‘Whatever she says, she’s just sore now at leaving her baby with ya. She’s glad that he’s here. Aren’t you, Molly?’

  ‘I’ll be back for my Fionn when I’m rich,’ I tell them both.

  ‘I hope he’ll be easy looked after?’ the woman asks.

  ‘He’ll have the angels to look after him.’

  ‘Our Molly does love to talk about the angels,’ Peggy scoffs. ‘But there’s always some truth in her few words.’

  ‘There’s no father I take it? I don’t want to be bothered with callers looking to see him.’

  ‘I’ll be back soon enough,’ I say again.

  ‘Fionn will be safe here and well looked after. There’ll be no need for you to worry.’ The large woman starts on about the way her others are reared with silver spoons in their mouths. Peggy hands over the cash and I place Fionn into her arms. I bless him and kiss his cheek, whispering all the strength into him that I can find. God love the woman. She looks up into my face and there are tears in her eyes. ‘I’ll do as you ask, have no fear. Fionn has a home here. He’s safe and won’t need you to worry now.’

  Leaving and walking away up the country-lane, I can’t look back. My heart is sore. My angels pacify me, telling me over and over, ‘This is good. This is the best. She means what she says. Fionn is home, for now. He’s safe here. Keep walking. This is right for him. Like Jude, Fionn is loved and in a good home.’

  Peggy hands me chocolate. I look out the bus window. All shades of green fly by and she’s talking to me all the way, reassuring me and patting my arm. ‘Fionn didn’t cry, and you’re not crying. What a strong woman you are, Molly. I’m so proud of you.’

  ‘I’ll find him a father who’ll marry me,’ I say to her when we get off the bus in Dublin.

  ‘That’s probably not going to happen, pet. Men don’t marry women like us and they definitely don’t father children like Fionn. Would Fionn’s father marry you?’

  ‘Never!’

  ‘Please don’t pin your hopes on any other men, Molly. Do you know any good man in this world?’

  Dr Brady’s bearded face come to my mind. If I wasn’t so afraid of Vincent, Aunt Bredagh and Violet, the doctor might have taken Fionn as his own and even I might have been able to have a home. Jane O’Shea would help me find a man to love us both and I could be happy and safe. If only I could leave number 34 Mountjoy Square, too, without feeling like the world would harm me. With Fionn safe, I try to go every morning to Mass and then sit on in the dark chapel. I like being alone.

  There’s been talk in number 34 of me taking on to lie with men. My skin itches at the very thought of it. The house is so full of noise, gossip and nonsense that I like to sit in the silence somewhere safe. It’s not far, but the routine lets me practice being alone for longer times on the streets. I’ve stopped looking at every face that I meet. The shadows have told me not everyone is from Sligo and not everyone is going to ‘tell tales’ to Aunt Bredagh. I still walk quickly with my eyes down and grunt an odd, ‘hullo’. But I’m freer and content these days in the open. My hands burn with the healing and sometimes I wave them around in the chapel and pray that those near me find some goodness from them.

  ‘Why do you hold your hands up like that?’ a man’s voice asks me. His hair’s slicked back and he’s very thin and horrid looking. The halo around him is as bad as bad can be. Being near him makes me panic. He knows Vincent, too, I can feel that off him. ‘Where are you from, beautiful?’ he whispers and follows me to the chapel door as the Mass is over. ‘I’ve been watching you. I know most people about here. What’s your name?’

  ‘Leave me alone.’ I scuttle off down the street like a frightened cat, but I know he’s not far behind me.

  Peggy’s words ring in my ears, ‘Do you know any good man in the world?’

  This man definitely is not a good one. I’m certain of that.

  32

  The other lassies in the house complain all the time. They are never done moaning.

  ‘She doesn’t take any of the callers. Why should she get away with being fed and watered? Other than cook, does she do anything? Her baby is gone now. She should work like the rest of us.’

  Peggy doesn’t pay much heed. But, I know by her that she’s waiting for me to offer to earn something. There is no way I’m going to whore, if I can at all, but there’s little else I can do. With no reading or writing, a fear of the city, and people, too, sometimes, I am a burden. Peggy raises the money for Fionn and I am grateful to her but not sure how to say it. The others’ jealousy sits in the silences around the kitchen table, so, I set off to find myself another safer chapel to sit in.

  After a few more daily sessions of listening to, ‘she’s a lazy mare’, there’s a knock to the door. With no-one else to answer it, the knocking comes again. I know if it disturbs the others, all hell will break loose. I go to open the large front door.

  ‘I’m looking for Peggy,’ the man says. He’s blonde, young and has kind blue eyes. He’s shifting himself from one working-boot to the other. ‘They say there’s women here?’

  ‘Yes.’ I look into his face and feel no fear at all.

  ‘I need a good woman.’ He’s as handsome a young fella as I’ve ever seen. I like the air off him.

  ‘Do you want to fuck with one?’

  He blushes right out to his ears. ‘I suppose I do,’ he whispers, looking around behind him in case he’s overheard. ‘Me da says I need a good woman and to come here and ask for one.’

  I close the door when he stands in the hall looking around him and up the stairs.

  ‘Open your trousers,’ I tell him.

  His face is almost purple under the blonde hair.

  ‘The others always check their men before they get any further.’

  ‘What do you check for?’ he chuckles. ‘I have a cock.’

  ‘Lice. Other critters.’

  ‘Christ!’

  I fold my arms the way I’ve seen Tess do. She usually puts on her thick spectacles to be sure when she’s looking.

  ‘Is it yourself that will…?’ he stammers. ‘I mean you’re a beauty but before anything else happens, I’m wonderin’ if I’ve enough money?’

  ‘Maybe this time I’ll just listen to you and hold your hand?’

  His eyes widen and he watches me take to the stairs. His big heart is like mine. He’s under pressure to do something he doesn’t want to do. ‘Your da sent you?’ I ask when he follows me.

  ‘Says it’s time I knew what a cock is for.’

  ‘The girls here tell me the same.’

  He sits on my bed. I sit next to him.

  ‘Your hair. Can I touch it?’ He runs his fingers through the ends of it anyhow. I’m pleased that I don’t mind him touching me. He examines a curl and says, ‘Let’s just talk then.’

  Like the chaplain, he starts talking. I watch his stubbled jaw move and his full red lips open and close. His nose gets a rub with one hand as he takes hold of one of mine with the other. He lies back on the bed at a stage and
he talks on about his life. At some point I lean back on his chest and he tells me that his mother is ‘a wagon’ and his father is harsh with him about working. ‘I dream of escaping to America to become rich,’ he says. His strong fingers play with my hair. I drift off to sleep listening to the sound of his voice. I waken when a door bangs downstairs and sit up with a jolt.

  He’s awake and looking down at me. ‘You’re no harlot,’ he tells me and the niceness of him reminds me of Dr Brady. ‘Can I come back to see you?’

  ‘Of course.’

  His boots move on the floorboards. I want him to lie back down. He pulls some notes from his back pocket and leaves them on the bed. ‘What’s your name? I’ll ask for you again.’

  ‘Molly.’

  ‘What’s yours?’

  ‘Tommy.’

  ‘Goodbye, Tommy.’

  ‘You’re a nice lass, Molly.’ He touches one of my curls that’s lying on my chest. ‘A fine lass.’

  ‘Goodbye,’ he says and twists the door-knob. His feet on the stairs clump until there’s no more of him.

  33

  ‘The doctor is here,’ Tess calls up the hall. I’m the only one in the kitchen. Peggy is at the shop at the end of the street. My heart does leap every time they mention a doctor. I always hope they mean my Dr Brady. But no. It’s the man in his fifties, going bald like Daddy and wearing spectacles. He looks nothing like my Dr Brady.

  ‘Molly isn’t it?’ he asks me when I peer up the hall. ‘I’m leaving the package for the girls. And I have to tell Peggy that she may have some clients for her medicines room soon.’

  ‘Thank you,’ I tell him as we meet in the hallway. I take the wrapped brown paper parcel from him. His hand is soft as it touches off mine and I sense that he’s very lonely. ‘Maybe sometime we could… go upstairs?’ he asks me. The thought of it doesn’t make me want to vomit. He is a decent man, even if he does come here. His wife died and he misses her. We all know that. He is clean and well dressed and kind and has been with some of the others. I’ve heard them talk about him. They all like him and sometimes fight over him. I wouldn’t do that, but he doesn’t make my skin itch. ‘You do know that you’re my favourite girl here?’