Rebuilding the Wolf

by Erin R Flynn

  “Holy crap,” Hagan muttered, giving me a look like he couldn’t believe what I was saying, and I was used to that the few times people heard any specifics. “I had no idea. I mean, I knew some of the stuff, but not really specifics. You never talk about it.”

  “Phobie’s helped,” I admitted. “I remember reading this book—well, several actually—on how to make friends in college, and one of the things was to be open and not closed off with the people on your floor, so I pushed myself to join the other freshmen, really try. And I told them a bit of it, just comparable to what others were saying, and one looked at me and sighed like I had gone on for hours.

  “And she says ‘yeah, you win the wounded and vulnerable girl story for sure.’ I had no idea what she meant, but they laughed. They all fucking laughed, and so that was the first and last time I ever talked about it. Well, until Jason.” I let out a heavy sigh, still pissed at him and hurt. “I did well on my AP tests, so I received college credits and started out as a sophomore actually. He was the first person that ever made me think ‘oh, it’s not just me.’

  “I’d seen him in class, the guy every girl wanted to be near, the guy other guys wanted to be like, all smiles and charm on the outside, but we bumped into each other, and I saw the darkness. I saw how wounded he was, the number his family did on him, and for the first time, I stopped and realized it wasn’t just me that was so fucked up. Kids are in the foster system for a lot of reasons.

  “Normally someone’s parent is in trouble or a parent died, they’re taken away, but it’s pretty rare that parents drop the kid off and ditch them, fleeing the state even. And we didn’t trade stories in foster care. Some we knew, others no clue, and you didn’t ask because you didn’t want anyone to ask you. We only talked about how many families we’d been placed at, as if understanding that each time it didn’t work out was another mark on us.

  “But then I bump into this guy, and he’s so dark on the inside, can fake being anything but messed up, and I was jealous. He could blend and hide how he was different, and I couldn’t. I couldn’t ever get it together enough to really hide it. I mean, kids are always agitated at any level, and the stress is on in college, so I always saw too much.

  “I saw those girls were annoyed the RA told them to check in on me because if something happened to me, the dorm or school could be in trouble for letting a sixteen year old in early. And I’m completely oblivious, but I saw things. I knew when guys wanted me, but it wasn’t dating. More who could get the genius virgin’s first time among the guys I knew in ROTC and some before I turned eighteen, so I avoided them.”

  “I would think so. Wow. Just wow, Sera.”

  “Too much?” I worried when he didn’t say anything else. “I mean, you wanted the real answer, right? Did I ruin the date?”

  “No, not at all,” he promised as he pulled into a parking lot. I’d been talking and rambling so long I hadn’t noticed where we were going or even what direction.

  And then I noticed how nice he looked, glancing down at myself. “I should have changed. The articles said to dress nicely, not wear a standard suit.”

  He pulled into a free spot, shutting off the SUV before turning towards me with a soft, Hagan-type smile. “I think it’s maybe the most endearing, most flattering thing ever that a woman read articles on how to be a good date before coming out with me. You look beautiful, Sera. You always look perfect. I wouldn’t care if you wore sweats and we grabbed hot dogs at Portillo’s. I’m just so fucking happy you agreed to go out with me.”

  I swallowed loudly when he got a bit choked up. “I’m glad I think we all can maybe move past that and start over. I didn’t think I wanted to start over, but yeah, Reagan was right. I jump. It’s the only way I seem to know how to do anything, and going back, doing better at setting a foundation for anything more than work helped. I want to try again and do it better.”

  “Are you still scared of me?” he whispered.

  “No,” I answered, trying to think of how to lighten the mood. “But you’re still not getting a kiss until the end of the first date.”

  “We’ll take it slow this time,” he promised, giving me a wink. It seemed silly when we’d jumped right into having sex, had had lots of sex, but that had gone so, so wrong and then better with the Thanksgiving fun we’d had, but then so, so wrong again. Yeah, slow was good.

  We got out, and at first I brought the heart with me, laughing when I asked him to open the SUV back up and hid the heart so no one broke in for it. He bit back a smile and led me to the front door of the Brazilian Steak House, which I loved even if I’d never been to this one before. I loved different cuisines and trying all sorts of different food.

  He gave the hostess the name for the reservation, and we were led to our table, her accent making me grin. I thanked her in Portuguese, and she smiled brightly at me.

  “How do you do that?” Hagan asked as he pulled out my chair for me.

  I didn’t register what he meant at first but then figured it out. “I don’t know. I would think a woman inept on just about everything social wouldn’t get the nuances of languages, but I pick it up like a sponge. I honestly don’t know that much Portuguese, but whatever I learn of any language I always retain. Until it’s really, really a long time since I use it, and then it takes me a while to remember it all.”

  “You’re so fucking cool, Sera,” he chuckled, picking up his menu. “Honestly, it’s hard not to feel like the dumb Marine or Beta next to you.”

  I frowned as I opened my menu too. “Do I make you feel that way? I don’t think you’re dumb at all.”

  “No, you—no, never. It’s my own thing, feeling inadequate next to someone awesome. We all feel that.” He glanced at me then, and I saw in his eyes he said it so I relaxed and realized we all felt lacking now and again.

  “Did you ever think about going back to school now that you’re out of the Marines?” I asked gently. “I mean, I know we’ve all been drowning, but we’ve made progress. The load’s lightened up on you guys, right?”

  “Yes, and Christos is an awesome Beta,” he admitted, giving me a reassuring smile. “Things have been crazy with everything because of Milwaukee still, but having the dominance fights and letting our pack know where they stand and settle was the right move.”

  “But you want Linus gone,” I pushed.

  He gave a slow nod. “Yes, we all do. He might never start any trouble, but our job is to protect you, Sera. He wants our spots and to be the person in your ear. He wants you, sure, but he wants the spot more, and that makes us nervous.”

  “He does come from a good bloodline though.” I sighed. It was complicated. Alena was shocked I didn’t jump on having him be a bigger figure in the pack with his upbringing and pedigree and all of that, but everyone was always on their best behavior around her. They weren’t with me as they all saw me as the third and adopted daughter who was the easiest way into the Dorcus family.

  “What do you think about the Grand Rapids idea?”

  Bringing that up made me sigh even heavier. People liked the idea of coming under my umbrella. Milwaukee couldn’t say enough good things having Hestia there under the threat of me and mine instead of someone who was simply a good Alpha. There was a reason no one ever tried to split off into other packs in Greece. The Athens pack was the pack in Greece. And that wasn’t a small area either, but I’d have thought the council would say no.

  They didn’t. They loved the idea that I would become queen wolf of the Midwest because I kept order, I made things work, had good publicity for wolves and shifters. I got that, but I hadn’t ever wanted to be Alpha, much less wolf queen of the Midwest.

  “I think something will have to be done,” I admitted, knowing they wanted me to say more. “The council sent in a team like Axel’s but wolves to assess the situation after the reports given, but they’re in a bad spot because if they’re just ousting people, it goes against their own ways of fighting for Alpha and the pack being family, supporting th
eir ways and whatnot.”

  “I think you’re being prudent,” he complimented, smiling when I looked at him with wide eyes. “We’re wolves and we tend to jump, not just you, Sera. We’re excitable, and those of us with good hearts always want to help. Expanding and expanding and expanding can lead to way too much being missed and dropped. I think it’s prudent to wait a bit and give the council a chance to do what they can.

  “If it doesn’t work, you’re the closest Alpha the Grand Rapids pack could ask aid from, and then it’s perfectly legal for you to go in and take over. If it comes to that, my vote would be Linus. Christos beat him, but only because he looked down his nose at Christos and got caught off guard. Linus is a fighter. The other Betas are actually nervous about him challenging us, but he knows that would piss you off.”

  “He won’t want to be under my umbrella, and he’s hinted he wants New York because it’s big and prestigious and he could combine the packs and have a huge one, much bigger than ours.”

  Hagan snorted. “Not for long. We’ve got over a hundred and fifty applications and more coming in from refugees. That family Goran brought in knows many that want to come, and they’re born wolves with good skills. I don’t think Linus should take New York either, but Grand Rapids isn’t small potatoes.”

  “How would you handle it?”

  He thought about that a few minutes, not answering until after we ordered. “I think we should have a conversation with Zeno. All the Betas feel the same, and no disrespect to Alena, but she is so powerful where Linus is a fly to her. He’s not to us, and we see the potential damage that can be done to the fragile, current good PR we have. I think it’s a conversation to have seriously with Linus and even his family.

  “They need to understand how it would affect us, you with all you’ve done and built. Linus isn’t taking all that seriously either, growing up in a pack where Alena was ultimate queen and those who stood next to her were princes of the pack with lots of power. That’s not how it works here. There are more humans than shifters, and to him pack is all that matters, all he sees.”

  “I agree.” I bounced that around, thanking the waiter when he set down our drinks. “Do it. Tell Linus you’re doing it even. I think part of his ego, his attitude is he comes from a place where he’s fourth child and that’s just extra and tends to be ignored. We’re not like that here. We care who works and does it right. He does have the potential, and let him know we see that, but we have valid concerns.”

  “You think he’ll stop acting out, acting bratty, if he sees we took notice and so soon.”

  “Yes, maybe.”

  “I think you’re amazing,” he murmured, reaching over and brushing his fingers over my hand. “You are, Sera. He’s been a pain in your ass, but here you care he’s been brushed aside or why he acts like he does. So many would write him off but not you. You see the good in him, the little boy who didn’t get all the attention he deserved.”

  “I was the little girl who got the same,” I admitted, shrugging but turning my hand in his. It was hard not to laugh when I realized it was the first time I’d held hands like that in a restaurant, on a date even.

  “It’s more than that,” he promised. “It’s how big your heart is even after all you’ve been through. You see yourself as this socially inept, oblivious woman who’s two steps behind, but the rest of us see this amazing, caring woman that worries so much about all of us, she’s focused on what’s inside, which is so much harder, that she misses the surface stuff she knows others will handle.”

  I swallowed loudly as I stared into his eyes, floored he really and truly felt that way. I could hear the truth in his words, feel it. He was so happy and relieved things were going well, I got a few images from him. I let his hand go and took off my jacket, let my hair down, and opened a few buttons.

  “Sorry,” he chuckled quietly, covering his face with his hand. “Shit, I didn’t think you’d see that. Sorry. You’re so fucking beautiful and I just—I’ve never been on a date with someone so hot, and guys were looking and—my wolf wanted to show you off.”

  “It’s flattering,” I said gently, taking his hand again. “Thank you for being so proud to be on a date with me.” I internally winced at how bad that came out, but he ignored it. “And I loved the cards. I laughed at how you all went directly to that, but I love them. I love what you wrote.”

  “Yeah?” He smiled when I nodded. “It’s how I feel, Sera. I didn’t mean one word of that night. Seeing the video, hearing what I said, my heart broke. It was like everything I truly felt, that potion made me say the opposite. My wolf was whimpering when we woke up, as if knowing we’d done something so against our soul it hurt.”

  “Thank you for apologizing for taking the drink,” I added, all of them taking responsibility for letting it happen, knowing better than to just take drinks from strangers. “I’m not mad at any of you. I’m not, and I’m sorry I was so not happy to share the blame but—”

  “I know, I know, Sera,” he whispered, raising my hand to his lips. “I know. We went through something horrible in so many ways, but we’ll get through it. We will.”

  “Yeah?” I leaned in closer when he nodded, glad he sat next to me at the square table instead of across from me. “So how is it really with nine boys in one mansion?”

  He laughed so hard people looked at us, wiping under his eyes when he calmed down. “We miss you, please don’t think otherwise, because we do, but it’s fun. It’s funny most days. Alvin came to breakfast the other morning buck naked and said it was less laundry to wash and we didn’t care because we’re guys, but then Noah did the same the next morning and we were all dying.”

  “I’m glad. I miss you guys too, but I’m glad it’s good for us too.”

  “It is.”

  We talked about the pack a bit more, all the updates he gave me showing how hard they’d been working. The greenhouses were doing well, jobs and more jobs protecting the fae coming in. Nina said she was ready to expand. Vlad was selling lots of her stuff out of his hotel gift shops, and so was Vegas. It was flying off the shelves.

  I leaned in while he was talking and kissed his cheek. “No matter how badly we’ve messed up our relationship, you were always the right pick to be my Betas, cover my back. I know you guys are hard on yourselves for not doing it better, but you always do your best, and that is always what I see. What I love about you.”

  “I love you too, Sera,” he whispered, kissing my cheek, and just as we were leaning in for more, our food arrived, which was good because I wanted to keep things slow.

  And that was a bit hard when our wolves knew each other, our bodies did too and longed for each other.

  “I’m shocked you got the lamb,” Hagan admitted, the array of seafood options all sounding amazing.

  “I’ve been having a lot of seafood lately,” I muttered as I focused on my food, a bit unsure of bringing it up.

  “Dain’s been making sure Alok or the chefs make extra meals for you and hired Ashley to keep your fridge stocked,” he said, letting me know he knew. “He told us. He explained and warned us so we didn’t all do it like the cards, but he said he was doing something different with that too.”

  “You all have done a lot to help me, show me you’re okay with this,” I praised, not wanting him to think I hadn’t noticed. “You, Reagan, and Brian put all the furniture together and handled the deliveries. Noah worked with Joan and Connie to get everything I needed from plates to linens. Dain had already been working with me on meals and knew that would be where I’d sluff off.”

  “The finished plans for the new pack house has everyone excited,” he said, changing the topic. I was fine with talking about it, but I did note he never answered me about going to college, and I let it go since he didn’t. There was nothing wrong with not having a degree, and he was smart, so whatever, but I’d brought it up more to say I would support it if he wanted.

  That and I just liked knowing more about him.

  The food was
amazing. We shared a papaya cream, which was like a sorbet but holy crap good. He paid, and I was glad we’d done the tithe again so the Betas were covered; the twins didn’t have to worry about money or leeching off of me. Plus, they got a nice bump with me not taking a cut. It hadn’t been as good as the year before, as we’d lost people, but that last quarter with more people getting jobs and whatnot helped.

  I thanked him for dinner, and we walked out holding hands. I didn’t get in right away when he opened the door to his SUV for me. Instead, I leaned in and kissed him, just a soft, gentle kiss. I felt it throughout my entire body, reacting and ready for more.

  “Wow,” he breathed against my lips, his arms moving around me. “Wow, Sera.”

  “Me too,” I admitted.

  “So does this mean I can take you out again?”

  I smiled against his skin as I hugged him. “Yes, I’d like another date with you.”

  “Not to push, but do you think we should go back to therapy next month?”

  “Maybe in April,” I said after a moment. “I’m having two or three sessions a week with Phobie, and as much as they’re helping—”

  “You’re worried it could be too much therapy and a burden.”

  “Yeah, but I do want to go back and while we’re still new, I mean with the starting over.”

  “I get it,” he assured me, kissing my cheek before pressing his lips to my ear. “Whatever you need, Sera, always. As much as I want to take you home and make love to you tonight, all night, I like this slow too. Please believe that.”

  “I do.” I gave him one more kiss, and then we got in. I checked my phone and sighed. “Can you drop me at the club instead of the apartment?”

  “What’s wrong?”

  “Beth messaged me there’s a problem with Leda again.”

  “Fucking bitch,” he grumbled as he looked behind him to pull out of the spot.

  Yeah, she was. She was one of the fill in sirens, and she was a pain in my fucking ass. A total princess and prissy, which I hated. Any from Alena’s pack she’d originally sent to help were fine, Theon was a shining example of everything awesome with the Greece pack.