Bring Me Back

by Taryn Plendl

  As I walk I realize just how much Ian has done for me. He has been there when I needed him—when he didn’t even know me. I can’t allow myself to be angry with him because he doesn’t feel for me what I feel for him. My past is more than he bargained for. I have a lot of baggage, too much to ask someone else to take on, especially when they are dealing with their own issues. Over the past weeks I had allowed myself to rely on someone else for the first time on over three years, and it had felt good. I loved being in Ian’s arms, feeling him caress my hair, kissing my head, rocking me. I didn’t think it was possible, but I had fallen in love with him.

  He had never mentioned anything about his past, other than he lost someone, but I could tell he was hurting and guarded too. He must have felt uncomfortable with where things were going, and the position I put him in by sharing my dark secrets. I can’t blame him for needing to get away, who wouldn’t? When he comes home, I will be a friend to him, without any expectations. Just a friend.

  Chapter 34

  ~Ian

  I don’t really have a plan; I just know I need to do this. Last night Ally had finally opened herself up completely to me. She had trusted me with everything she had carried alone, for so long.

  When she had fallen asleep in my arms, it felt so right. I wanted to stay there forever, but when I woke up, I felt like there was unfinished business. I had to get out of there and make things right. Memories remain the same but people change—sometimes you have to let go of the past so you can embrace the future.

  ***

  The house hasn’t changed a bit. Standing out front, my heart feels like it is pounding in my ears. I know I need to do this, but I’m so scared. I walk up the front steps, knock three times and wait. I wait for the conversation that will change everything.

  “Ian?” I look up and see those familiar eyes—Laney’s eyes. “Hi Laura.” I mutter, as I look at Laney’s mom through the screen door. She opens the door for me, “Please come in.” “Thank you,” I say as I walk into the house that I spent so much time in—time with Laney as she was dying.

  Laura leads me to the living room, and as I sit down, I realize that none of it’s the same. The hospital bed is gone and so is the flower patterned furniture. The carpet has been replaced with hardwood floors, and is covered by a lovely oriental rug. The furniture has been replaced by a sleek sectional sofa. If I didn’t know any better, I would think I was in a different house.

  “Umm, the place looks great Laura.” I say as she hand me a glass of water and sits down next to me. “Ian, it is so good to see you. What brings you back to Colorado Springs?” She asks gently waiting for me to answer. I run my hands through my hair and look up, “I’ve met someone.” I think I see the corner of Laura’s mouth turn up slightly, “Oh?” She says casually. I nod, “I haven’t been able to do much more than exist since Laney died,” Pausing to try to keep it together. “I was so wrapped up in my own grief that I pulled away from everyone. I couldn’t be around anyone who reminded me of her.” Laura takes my hand in hers, “We understood that Ian, it was hard on everybody. Some days it still is.”

  “Laura, when I moved away from here, it was so I could be alone. I didn’t expect to meet someone. Ally is my neighbor.” She nodded, urging me to continue. “Well, Ally is very private, doesn’t have any family anymore, she’s been through something…God Laura, something so horrific.” I reach and take another drink of water before continuing. “She showed up on my doorstep so sick that I had to take her to the hospital. I didn’t think I could do it, go back into a hospital, and I almost made her go alone. It was selfish, and I realized that, so I stayed with her.” “Good Ian, that was the right thing to do.” She said as she continued to listen.

  “I stayed with her to help her get better after having her appendix removed, and somewhere along the way, I umm, I fell in love with her.” I looked at her, waiting for her reaction. I felt like it was a betrayal to Laney, and I didn’t know what to do. Laura took a deep breath and smiled gently at me. “Ian, happiness is a choice—it is a choice we make in our hearts. You can hang on to old hurts and be miserable or you can make a choice to let it go. Ian, Laney would have wanted this for you. She would have wanted you to go on, to be happy.”

  I started to cry, “I just feel like I’m betraying her, Laura.” “Oh Ian! You can’t think that. You loved Laney, and she loved you too. You can hold the memories close, but that’s what they are, memories. People don't come into your life by accident. Everyone that crosses your path serves a purpose. You learned so much through your journey with Laney. You are the man you are today because of that experience.”

  She stood up and pulled me into a hug. “Ian, you are like family to us. We love you and want you to be happy. If this Ally makes you feel that way, then that is exactly where you need to be.” Hugging her tightly, I feel such a sense of relief. “Thank you Laura.” She pulls back smiling, “Of course Ian, now go see your mom.” She says laughing.

  I stayed the rest of the day and the night in Colorado Springs. My parents had been so shocked and pleased to see me that they insisted I stay. After seeing Laura, and clearing the air and my guilt, I wanted so badly to just run home and be with Ally, but I knew I had some things to explain to my parents. They deserved that.

  ***

  I had been on the road for just over four hours. I had stopped only once to grab something to eat and use the restroom. and my heart started getting nervous and excited to see Ally. I wasn’t quite sure where we were going from here, but I knew I was in love with her, and I was going to do whatever I could to show her that.

  I turned down the drive, and was shocked to see Ally walking toward me. She was in her sweats and sneakers. She had her hair pulled back in a ponytail, and even from here, I could see the slight flush of her cheeks. I slowed down next to her, “Hey! You’re out walking?”

  “Yes, I needed to get out and moving again.”

  “Can I give you a ride back up?” I was hoping she would let me; I had missed her so much.

  “No thank you Ian.” She smiled as she kept walking toward the end of the drive. I sat there in the car, watching her walk away, and my heart dropped. Maybe I had read her wrong. I knew what I was feeling, and I could swear she was feeling the same way, but if how she was just now was any indication, I’d say I was mistaken. I had to explain where I went and why, and I wasn’t about to give up that easy.

  ***

  The next two weeks had gone by without a real chance to be with Ally long enough to tell her how I feel, but not for lack of trying. It was becoming a major frustration for me. I had tried several times to catch her when she was outside, and I had even gone to her house a few times, but she always seemed to have an excuse to get back to something or do something. I had asked her to go for a walk yesterday and she said she was too tired. It worried me, “Ally, are you sleeping at night?”

  “Yes, quite well actually.” Biting her lip and tilting her head she gave me a small smile. “Thanks to you.”

  My heart had done flips, because for one fleeting moment, I saw something in her eyes, and then before I had time to blink, I saw her guard come back up. What had happened in the two days I was gone?

  ***

  In the next week, I was finally able to gain entry to her house. The first time she had invited me in for coffee and then proceeded to make small talk about the weather and trees. I had left feeling more confused than before I had shown up. The next time later that same week, she had asked me question after question about my work. I had filled up the entire visit talking about my stupid job and before I knew it, she was sending me on my way. I don’t get it.

  Ally was always very pleasant, but that was just it, she was treating me like we were just old friends, and quite frankly it was beginning to piss me off! I was going to figure out what was going on, and soon. I have seen the way she looks at me damn it! I know she feels the same way! With Christmas just a week away, I had to come up with something good.

  *
**

  I had a lot of work to finish up before the Christmas Holiday. I was trying to pour myself into that so I could keep my mind off of Ally, but it wasn’t working too well. I found myself watching her every time she stepped out of her house. I was so glad she was sleeping at night, and I found myself staying up until she turned out her lights, just in case she needed me.

  I missed her so much! I missed the way she smelled, like strawberries and crème. I missed her laugh, and the way her eyes lit up when she was working on her mosaics. I missed holding her and kissing her head, and most of all, I missed sleeping next to her. I’m such a mess!

  Chapter 34

  ~Ally

  The last few weeks had been difficult to say the least. I had put so much energy into trying to avoid Ian that I was almost making myself crazy. I can't help but miss him. He was the one that picked me up when I was down. He showed me that he cared, and made me feel something I never felt before.

  It was a lot harder to be his friend than I anticipated. I was making our conversations awkward by trying so hard, and the last time he had been over, I actually had to laugh at the confused look on his face when I sent him on his way after he had spent over an hour discussing his work, something I essentially made him do by asking him so many questions. I just didn’t want him to feel any obligation to me.

  ***

  I was hoping to finish this gift for Ian before the Christmas Holiday in two days. I had been working nonstop on it for a couple of weeks when I finally realized what I wanted to do. It was something I could give him from the heart, but also something that wouldn’t require him to feel like it was too much. I had placed another piece in the design when I heard the doorbell.

  Wiping my hand on a towel, I headed to the door, preparing to send Ian on his way, and working up an excuse in my mind, but as I swung the door open, I realized it wasn’t Ian, in fact, I had never seen this woman before.

  “Ally?”

  “Yes, can I help you?” I must have had a confused look on my face as the woman took pity on me and stuck out her hand to introduce herself.

  “I’m sorry, Ally I am Ian’s mom, Vicki.” Taking a better look at her, I saw the resemblance. She had light hair like Ian’s and the same dark eyes, but she was much shorter and slightly full figured. Her smile was just as genuine, so I felt myself immediately start to relax. I wasn’t sure how she knew my name though. I guess maybe Ian had mentioned me before?

  “Hi Vicki, please come in, is something wrong with Ian?” I asked as I stepped aside to invite her in.

  “Oh no dear, nothing like that. I had brought up a few Christmas gifts for him, knowing he wouldn’t be home for the Holiday. It appears he must be out, so I thought I would take the opportunity to meet you while I wait.”

  “Oh, well you are welcome to stay here while you wait. Do you not have a key to Ian’s house?” I asked as I headed into the kitchen. “Coffee?”

  “Yes please. No, I don’t have a key, in truth, this is the first time I have been up here to see Ian’s home.” I could see a little sadness in her eyes as she said that.

  I set down her coffee in front of her and sat across from her with my own cup. “Really?” It seemed strange to me that he hadn’t invited her up her, and I started to wonder if there was something wrong in their relationship.

  His mom let out a he sigh, and I could see sadness in her as she spoke. “Ally, other than a short email each week, Ian’s father and I had not spoken to him in several months—that was until the day after Thanksgiving, when he showed up on our doorstep.” She smiled slightly. Day after Thanksgiving? He had gone home?

  She could see that I must have been trying to work something out. “Ally, how much has Ian told you about Laney?”

  “Laney?” He had never spoken about a Laney before.

  “I didn’t think so.” She said knowingly. “Laney was Ian’s fiancé.” She paused. “I will let him share the details with you when he is ready, but I will tell you that she died fairly quickly after being diagnosed with cancer and it was devastating to him.”

  “Oh no!” I gasped. Poor Ian! Is that why he moved up here, to be alone?

  It was as if she had heard my thoughts. “That’s why he left Colorado Springs. He was consumed by grief—shutting everyone out that had been a part of his life with Laney.” Her eyes had filled with tears, and I handed her a Kleenex as I reached out for her hand.

  “I’m so sorry! I had no idea.” I had been so involved in my own issues that I had failed to see how much he was hurting. I felt so selfish.

  Smiling, Vicki squeezed my hand and let go. “Ally, did Ian tell you why he came back to Colorado Springs?” I shook my head, “No, but I haven’t really given him much of a chance, I was a little hurt that he left so suddenly.” Feeling guilty.

  She nodded, understanding, “He always has the best intentions, but sometime his execution isn’t the best.” She laughed before she continued. “He came back to talk to Laney’s parents. He was feeling like he had betrayed Laney and them….because he had fallen in love with someone else.”

  My head shot up quickly, meeting her eyes. She was watching me closely. “He wanted to tell them—to have some sort of closure so he could move on with the woman he loved. With you Ally.”

  “Me?” I whispered. “I had no idea, I thought he felt obligated because I had put him in this situation.” I had my head in my hands, and I could feel them beginning to shake.

  “Ally, Ian told us a little bit about what you’ve been through.” She paused and took a deep breath. “I’m so sorry for your loss, and what you have had to endure, but I can assure you that Ian does not love you out of pity or obligation. My boy is head over heels in love with you.” Now it was my eyes that were filling up. Without warning, I started to laugh. I had been so crazy the past couple of weeks, trying to be Ian’s friend that I made a mess of it, and he must be so confused.

  “Ally, are you okay?” Speaking of confused, Vicki was having a hard time figuring me out too.

  “I have made a mess of things Vicki.” Shaking my head. “I though he left that Friday because I had shared too much about my past. While he was gone, I decided to let him off the hook, so to speak, so I have been pretty much avoiding him.” I was so embarrassed trying to explain this to her.

  “Ally?” Looking up I saw so much kindness in her eyes. “Do you love him?”

  “Oh Vicki! I love your son more than anything! He is the most kind, generous and compassionate man. I was broken, and was waiting for the right person, the one who would be willing to help me put the pieces back together. I didn’t think it was possible, but Ian did that for me—he brought me back.”

  I was crying now, not out of sadness, but out of pure joy. The man I was in love with, loved me back!

  “Ally, you did the same for him. He was just as broken. You two just need to remember that you don’t lose by loving, you lose by holding back.”

  I nodded just as the doorbell rang. Wiping my eyes with the back of my hand, I stood to go answer it. Before I could get too far, Vicki wrapped her arms around me and enfolded me in the most motherly hug that made me ache for my own mom. “Sweet child, welcome back.” She whispered before letting me go.

  “Thank you.” I said softly before swinging the door open to find Ian standing on my front porch. Looking at me and then his mom, he smiled, “I thought she might be here.”

  “Hi son.” Vicki said as she pulled him into a hug.

  “Is everything okay?” He asked frowning as he noticed my red and wet eyes.

  Before I could answer, Vicki stepped out the door. “Everything is fine Ian, Ally and I were just having coffee and getting to know each other. Ally, it was so good to finally meet you. I will see you soon.” She winked and then took Ian’s arm and led him down the steps. I could hear him asking his mom what had happened as they walked. “Oh Ian, you’ll figure it out, help me unload the car. I have to get back home.” She smiled as they walked back up to her car.

 
***

  I sat at the table after Vicki had left, wondering what I should do. I had never had a real relationship, not as an adult anyway. I had very little experience with all of this, and it was quite un-nerving. I knew what I was feeling, but I had made a mess of things lately, and I didn’t know what to say or do to change that.

  I needed to get out. I pulled on a sweatshirt and grabbed my sneakers. It was time to get back to running. I missed my path, and I wanted to see if it still brought me comfort and peace. I headed out the door, pausing to take in the smells that I loved so much, and started off toward my path. Pat-pat-pat-pat, I loved the way my feet made a beat as I ran. It was methodical, and felt right.

  As I hit my trail in the trees, I broke loose, running at a faster speed than usual, tipping my head back and enjoying the air on my face. The trail looked different in the light of course and the sounds weren’t the same during the day, but this was my trail. It was still partially covered in snow where the sun wasn’t able to fully break through. I closed my eyes for a moment, letting my senses take over as I ran, but before I could enjoy it too much, I tripped over a branch and started to stumble. I prepared myself for the fall, as I reached out my hands—waiting for the impact of the cold ground.

  ***

  “Shit Ally!” I heard him before I felt his hands wrap around my waist. For the second time, I found myself lying on top of Ian in the snow. “Hi,” I said looking down on him.

  “First you run in the dark, and when you finally start running in the daylight, you do it with your eyes closed! I don’t get you sometimes.” He shook his head as he looked up at me.

  I tried to move myself off of him, but he held my hips firm in their place. “Umm, Ian? I can’t move.”

  “I know. Maybe you’ll finally talk to me if I keep you like this.” He said, still holding me tight.