Daddy in Dress Blues

by Cathie Linz

  “Yes.”

  He smiled as if he liked her saying yes to him, as if he wanted her to say yes more often.

  A lake breeze did kick up once they were in the buggy, lowering the temperature by a good ten or fifteen degrees and requiring her to snuggle next to Curt to stay warm. He made her feel so secure and protected. He made her believe that fairy tales could come true—not just for the popular girls who’d been blessed with beauty and poise, but for an ordinary girl like her.

  Not that she was a girl any longer. He also made her very much aware of the fact that she was a woman. A woman who was falling in love with him all over again.

  Maybe we could have a future together after all. Maybe he loves me after all. Maybe I should say yes.

  The contentment of being held in his arms, cuddling together beneath a plaid blanket as the buggy slowly progressed along the side streets, was undeniable. The clip-clop of the horse’s hooves against the pavement mimicked the flip-flop of her heart. Her pulse really started racing when Curt began kissing her, his warm lips traveling across her forehead, skimming her eyebrows to brush her temples. When her eyes drifted closed, he dropped soft kisses on her lids.

  Surely this was heaven. Never in her wildest dreams had she imagined that she’d be taking a romantic buggy ride with Curt.

  The buggy driver had to clear his throat several times to get their attention and let them know that the buggy had stopped rolling. The ride was over. They were back at the beautifully illuminated Water Tower.

  Curt gallantly got out first and held out a hand to assist her. Again she was struck by how powerful he looked.

  “You know,” she teased him, “all the women in that restaurant tonight were eyeing you.”

  “They were probably wondering what you were doing going out with a banged-up marine.”

  “Does your limp bother you?” she quietly asked.

  “Does it bother you?” he countered.

  She cupped her hand against his cheek. “Only in that it must have hurt you. Not in any other way.”

  “It’s doing better. Much better than the medics expected. I’ve been doubling up on the physical therapy so I can return…” He stopped abruptly, as if he’d said too much already.

  “Return?” Her hand fell to her side like a stone. The premonition hit her with the force of a Midwestern tornado. No, surely he wasn’t considering… “You don’t mean returning to active duty, do you?”

  His tightly controlled features weren’t giving anything away, but she could still read something in his eyes, a conflicted consideration of what to say next.

  Her voice rose, as did her panic. “Don’t lie to me! That’s it, isn’t it? You’re actually preparing to return to active duty.”

  “It’s my job.”

  “And who do you think is going to take care of Blue while you’re off doing your marine thing?” Curt didn’t have to make a verbal response. She could see the answer in his face. It was an answer that hurt her more with each beat of her heart.

  Chapter 11

  “I DON’T BELIEVE THIS,” Jessica whispered. The betrayal went soul deep. Once again she’d let herself believe that Curt really wanted her for herself only to discover that he was using her. “You thought I’d eventually accept your marriage proposal and take care of Blue for you.”

  Deny it! The plea was like a scream deep inside her. Please, please deny it and tell me you love me, that you’d marry me even if you didn’t have a daughter.

  He couldn’t. The truth was too obvious. She saw that in the way his gaze slid away from hers.

  No, he couldn’t deny it. Because it was true. All of it. All her worst nightmares.

  She’d been used, once again. She was just a means to an end.

  Pulling a blanket of detachment around herself, she looked away from Curt to the people walking by—smiling and laughing as if the world was still a normal place. How appropriate that this final confrontation between herself and Curt should take place in front of the Water Tower, the only thing left standing after the Chicago Fire. A similar conflagration was taking place inside of Jessica. Her dreams of the future were going up in flames right before her very eyes.

  Because they’d been dreams based on lies, his lies. Not spoken lies perhaps, but lies nonetheless. Making her believe with his kisses that he wanted her when what he really wanted was a mother for his daughter so he could go off while she took care of Blue’s needs.

  He didn’t need Jessica, he needed a nursemaid for his child.

  What made you think that this time would be different? That it wouldn’t end in heartbreak like before?

  You may be older but you’re sure not any wiser, are you? Underneath it all, you’re still that lonely geeky teenager searching in vain for someone to love her.

  She took a step backward as the pain came at her in recurring waves that were nearly overwhelming. The effort of holding herself aloof was taking its toll.

  Blinking back the threat of tears, she tried to avoid looking at the man who had stomped on her heart with combat boots. But despite her best intentions, her gaze returned to his face…searching for what she wasn’t sure. Regret? Love?

  “Don’t look at me that way,” he bit out.

  His words fired her anger. “Don’t worry, from now on I don’t plan on looking at you at all!”

  “Hold on, where are you going?”

  He reached for her, she sidestepped him. This was a scene that was becoming all to familiar to her. Him hurting her, her needing to get away. “I’m going to get a cab and go home,” she icily informed him. “This con job of yours is over.”

  “If you want to go home, I’ll take you home,” he growled.

  “No, you won’t.”

  Now his anger bubbled over. “What do you want from me? I gave you your favorite things and it still isn’t enough. I’m offering you my daughter, and still it’s not enough.”

  Because he hadn’t offered her the one thing she wanted above all else. Love. His love.

  “That’s right,” she replied, her voice vibrating with emotion. “It’s not enough! Ever since you got Blue, you’ve been telling me that you take your responsibilities seriously, but that was all a lie. You just wanted to play Daddy for a few weeks. Now you’re getting itchy feet and want more excitement in your life. So you want to go off again. Never mind what effect it would have on Blue. And don’t tell me it’s your job, or even your calling. Because it’s not the U.S. Marines that’s calling you back to active duty, is it? No, it’s you. It’s something inside of you that makes you run when things get too close to the bone. When things get too emotional. Because God forbid the big bad marine should have a heart, that a warrior should cry.”

  “A warrior never cries,” he said, steel in his voice.

  “No, he just makes others cry.” Keeping the tears at bay, she walked away and didn’t look back.

  “I brought chocolate,” Amy declared as she entered Jessica’s condo an hour later.

  Jessica hugged her best friend before taking the box of Fannie Mae candy. “Thanks for coming right over.”

  “Are you kidding? What are friends for? You’d do the same for me, and have. You know, I can’t help feeling that part of this is my fault. I should have recommended you wear a nun’s habit or something instead of that sexy dress.”

  “It wouldn’t have mattered what I wore.” Jessica had to pause to angrily swipe away the tears sliding down her cheeks. She’d yanked off that stupid dress the moment she’d gotten home and changed into comfort clothes of heather-gray drawstring pants and a matching T-shirt. “I can’t believe I fell for his routine. How stupid am I?”

  “You’re not stupid,” Amy loyally defended her, following Jessica into the living room. “You’re in love. Okay, so sometimes that works out to be the same thing, but it’s not your fault. You can’t help who you fall in love with.”

  “I don’t see why not.” On her way to the couch, Jessica grabbed a facial tissue to wipe away the rest of her
tears.

  “I don’t, either, frankly. I just know that life doesn’t seem to work out that way all the time.”

  Curling up on her couch, Jessica focused her attention on opening the box and choosing a candy. “Mmm, dark chocolate with lemon cream center.”

  “I can’t believe Curt had the gall to actually tell you that he wants you to watch Blue while he returns to active duty.”

  “He’s smarter than that. I don’t think he meant to tell me that he was trying to return to active duty. He let that slip. I was such a fool to believe that he could love me.”

  “He’s the fool for not loving you.”

  “I’m not sure Curt knows how to love,” Jessica said quietly. “I’m not sure he’ll allow himself to love.”

  “Then that’s his loss.”

  “I don’t know. If love hurts this much then maybe he’s got the right idea after all.” Reaching into the box, Jessica reached for another candy, a strawberry cream this time. “You know what hurts? That he never really ever saw me for who I am. He just saw me as a solution to a problem he had. He didn’t see me.” Jessica pounded a clenched fist against her chest, her voice choked with emotion as the tears started again. “And I grew up with a man who never saw me. My father. Being invisible to someone you love eats away at your soul.” She scrubbed at her face with another tissue. “I’m not crying just because of Curt. I’m crying because…because those old feelings of not being valued, of not being noticed or loved have come back again. It’s stupid, I know.”

  “Hey, I’ll be the judge of what’s stupid and what’s not,” Amy declared, her voice warm with empathy.

  “I never felt like my father even knew I existed half the time. Then there’s Curt.” She paused, biting her lower lip. “Granted he knows I exist because he knows I’m good with his daughter. And I do love Blue. Who knows, maybe if he’d been honest with me in the beginning and said that he wanted me to take care of Blue while he went back to active duty, I might have…”

  “What?” Amy indignantly inserted. “Smacked him upside the head? Because that’s what he would have deserved. How could he do this to you and to Blue?”

  “Do you know how heartbroken that little girl would be if he went away? What can he be thinking of? Just when I was starting to trust him, just when I was starting to believe that he understood what being a parent really meant, he goes and pulls this.”

  “You’ll get over him,” Amy declared.

  “When? When I’m ninety? I think he’s the devil in my soul, so much a part of me that I can’t get rid of him,” Jessica muttered, reaching for a handful of chocolate creams this time.

  “We could perform an exorcism. Or dress up G.I. Joe in frilly dresses. You said that drove him nuts.”

  “I did the right thing turning Curt down,” Jessica said, almost as if wanting to reassure herself.

  “You certainly did,” Amy immediately agreed. “Why? You’re not regretting that are you?”

  “No. But I can’t help thinking about Blue. Here I am considering adopting a child, one I’ve never met, yet I won’t help Blue whom I do truly love.” Jessica ran her hands through her rumpled hair, before pressing the heels of her hands against her forehead. “This is such a mess.”

  “Marrying Curt, loving him the way you do without him reciprocating would tear you up. You said it yourself, it eats away at your soul.”

  “Maybe I want too much.”

  Amy glared at her. “If you really think you’re so undeserving of love then you don’t deserve those chocolates. Hand them over!”

  Jessica hung on to the box. “No way. Wanting a man who loves me is not wanting too much.”

  “Darn right.”

  “You know in preschool the kids are forever playacting. The textbooks call it cooperative pretending. And that’s what Curt and I were doing. He was pretending to really care about me and I was pretending it would work out. Playacting.”

  “At least he showed you his true colors before it was too late.”

  Curt’s true colors were dress blue. It was clear the United States Marine Corps came first with him and always would.

  “I want more water,” Blue said.

  “That’s already your third glass.”

  “Fooba drank those. Read me The Wishing Tree.’ It was her favorite book, about a little girl who grew a magical tree in the woods.

  “I already read it to you five times. Now lie down and go to sleep.”

  She bounced right back up again. “Susan has a kitty, can I have one, too?”

  “No.”

  “Why?”

  “Because they don’t allow kitties here.”

  “If my mommy was here, could I have a kitty? How come Susan gets one and not me? ’Cause she has a mommy?”

  “No, that’s not why.”

  “Then why?”

  “Because I said so.”

  “I want a kitty.”

  “So you’ve already stated. Several times.”

  “Fooba wants a kitty, too,” Blue earnestly assured him.

  He was not impressed. “Fooba has no vote in the matter.”

  “How come?”

  “Because Fooba’s a teddy bear.”

  “How come teddy bears can’t vote? What’s a vote?”

  He was not about to go into political matters at this late hour. “It’s way past your bedtime. Lights out.”

  “No! Want more water and a kitty.”

  “You are a marine kid and a marine kid never…” He paused, his look clearly telling her to fill in the rest.

  “Never gives up,” she dutifully said before adding, “and wants a kitty.”

  “A marine kid does not give up and they also do not bellyache. So this aforementioned bad behavior will stop as of right now.” The military terminology made him feel better, made him feel more in control of the situation. Unfortunately it didn’t make Blue feel any better and showed no signs of working. “Do you read me?”

  “No!” She glared at him mutinously. “Want Jessie.”

  He wanted Jessie, too. From the moment he’d walked into her condo tonight, he’d wanted her. Maybe he’d wanted her from the time he was back in high school, when she seemed too far above him, so unreachable. But tonight, when he’d kissed her, she’d wanted him back.

  The courting thing had been working, he was sure of it. He wasn’t sure where he’d gone wrong after that.

  She’d gone ballistic when he’d talked about rejoining his men in the war zone. Why couldn’t she understand? He was responsible for those forty-five marines still there.

  It wasn’t like he wanted to go gambling in Las Vegas or treasure hunting off the coast of Florida or anything. And it wasn’t as if he wanted to return to the war zone because of the great weather or working conditions.

  He had something to prove. That he wasn’t all washed up. That he wasn’t a has-been, a wounded warrior who no longer was able to fulfill his duty.

  Warriors never cry, he’d told her.

  No they just make others cry. Jessie’s words had stayed in his head, refusing to be banished.

  He wasn’t trying to hurt anyone, he was trying to do what was best here. Blue loved Jessie, she loved Blue—what was the problem? He wasn’t trying to palm off his daughter on someone else, he was just looking out for her best welfare. He’d certainly continue to financially support Blue and once his tour was over…

  Who was he kidding? Jessie wasn’t going to marry him, and odds were that he’d never return to the war zone. Maybe the medics were right and there was no hope of him returning to active duty. Which would leave him where? Pushing papers for the rest of his enlisted years?

  He was a United States Marine. He’d sailed through advanced infantry training. He knew how to survive behind enemy lines for a week without food, how to assess battle techniques and go for an enemy’s weaknesses. He knew combat first aid, could carry a fallen comrade over his shoulder to safety, knew how to blend into his surroundings so thoroughly that no one wal
king within three feet would even see him.

  He knew all that. It’s what he did. Who he was. Because if he wasn’t that, he was nothing.

  “Want Jessie!” Blue wailed, the tears starting in earnest this time.

  “Jessie’s sleeping. The way you should be sleeping.”

  Blue started crying even harder now.

  Warriors never cry, they just make others cry.

  She’ll stop in a minute, he told himself as he got up and left the room. Remember how she’d cried at the restaurant, or how she had a fit about putting on her shoes earlier tonight. She can turn it off and on at the drop of a hat. It doesn’t mean anything. You can’t give in to it.

  She has to learn. Has to learn that there were rules in life, and one of them was that you didn’t always get what you wanted. It was sure a lesson he’d learned himself time and time again. Better that Blue learned now rather than be disappointed later.

  “A good teacher recognizes and values different social styles in her students,” Jessica reminded herself under her breath first thing Monday morning. “A good teacher doesn’t want to string a student up by his shoelaces.”

  “She does if that student is Brian,” Lisa added, looking over Jessica’s shoulder as they both gazed down at the bottom desk drawer. It had taken them several minutes to finally locate the source of the awful smell. Thank heavens the kids hadn’t arrived yet. “I can’t believe he made such a mess. What is it? Rotten eggs?”

  “Yes. His eggs were missing from that cooking project we did on Friday. I meant to check more thoroughly….” But she’d been so excited about her date with Curt that she’d forgotten. “You weren’t supposed to hear that about hanging him by his shoelaces,” Jessica added.

  “Hear what?” Lisa said, trailing after her with a handful of egg-soaked paper towels as Jessica got rid of the offending mess in the Dumpster outside. When they returned inside, Tawanna had already taken charge of the rest of the cleanup and opened the windows to air out the room. “What I really want to hear is what you and Curt did Friday night.”

  “Why should she tell you?” Tawanna glared at Lisa. “You tried to steal her man away from her.”

  “I was just testing him,” Lisa said self-righteously.