Goblin

by Ever Dundas

  *

  Holy holy holy lord have mercy trap trap trapped in chains in ropes bound in bound down lord have mercy christ have mercy hear us o lord o god the father have mercy on us in the shadow of this cross pressed down bound down bound in holy mother holy virgin of virgins have mercy have mercy sisters and saints the holy holy martyrs the angels above all holy angels o blessed revelation angel in holy holy water drip drip dripped in chains in ropes bound in bound down holy patriarchs and prophets saint john the baptist no head hahaa hahaa saint sebastian punctured and bled and bled in rivers of red deliver us from evil deliver us from deliver us from evil ring the bells saint agatha hahaa cut off cut from and bled and delivered from evil you have no power over me bound in bound down unclean spirit unclean unclean I command you the children of god the child of god this child of god blessed be blessed be glory glory glory the way the light the truth I cast you out from this creature of god devil begone no devils here not here no devils never to return no devils no devil amen.

  *

  ‘There’s rabbits,’ he said, his face right up against mine. I stared at the ceiling, at the peeling picture of the Virgin Mary.

  ‘There’s rabbits, five of them, down in the larder, hanging, waiting to be eaten. I shot them and I hurt them until they died. Every one. I can tell you all about it. Would you like that? Would you like me to tell you a bedtime story?’

  I closed my eyes and drifted on dreams of Angel and the sea.

  ‘Devil worshipping scum,’ he said, and spat in my face. His saliva dribbled down my cheek.

  ‘I’m the favourite now,’ he said.

  *

  ‘Luke, they’re not giving up on this. They believe you’re possessed. Are you listening? Can you hear me?’

  I rolled my head to the side and looked up at Miss Hallows.

  ‘You need to repent. Do you know what I’m saying? You need to repent.’

  She gave me a drink and helped me sit up. I stuffed bread in my mouth.

  ‘Not too much, you’ll be sick. Luke, they think you shot John.’

  I did shoot the son of a bitch.

  ‘They showed everyone the devil you made. John said you were going to bring it to life. He showed them your scribblings in those blasphemous books – cannibalism, shapeshifting, worshipping serpents.’

  ‘Lizards,’ I said. ‘Lizard people.’

  ‘They think you’re evil.’

  I was born blue. Dirty little goblin-runt.

  ‘You’re not getting out of here until you repent.’

  She meant it. I hadn’t figured it out until she said it. She was on their side. They were tired, they were weary. They wanted me pure.

  ‘I’ll bring the reverend,’ she said, ‘and this time you have to repent.’

  She was gone and Isabella was there holding the heart, blood dripping between her fingers.

  ‘You can’t be here,’ I said. ‘You’re in London.’

  ‘Do you remember your prayers?’ she said.

  ‘I remember.’

  ‘You can’t fake it.’

  ‘I don’t have to,’ I said. ‘You need to leave. The reverend is coming.’

  *

  I was demon child covered in shit and piss stained in pig pig piggy shit and piss stinking and stinking and rotting. The stench of evil tied in ropes tied down in the attic on a bed in the attic with mary and jesus and the cross for friends all stuck on the wall eyes on me and in my mind in my closed eyes the revelation angel of the sea far away drifting as the reverend in the attic was all rat-a-tat-tat! Begone begone holy holy holy rat-a-tat-tat london rat bound down cross pressed close down hard bruised down rope shapes cross shapes body bruised body razed body bound down bound in behind the eyes floating in the sea with the revelation angel drip drip drip devil begone amen. No devils here, sir. No devils ever again. All gone all clean all pure.

  *

  Margaret untied me. Tom was behind her, carrying a tin bath, a bath for me to make the unclean clean. Inside outside scrub scrub scrub. She peeled off my clothes and I thought, shit, this is it – no more Luke all gone all gone, a Miriam instead? A Holy Holy Holy Virgin Mary? An Esther, whatever you please, who am I to choose? She didn’t say a word, but turned her head away sick with the stench of me and lifted me into the water, scrubbing and scrubbing turning red turning the clean and pure water black with sin.

  I climbed out, wrapping myself in a towel, dripping sin across the floor. I watched it roll off me and I felt cleansed. I was good and clean and pure.

  Tom took away the bath. Margaret didn’t say a word to Tom, not then and not ever as far as I can know so I stayed a Luke for then for them and Margaret brought me food. Bread and water bread and water the body of Christ the body of Christ.

  *

  They paraded me down the aisle, made me stand on a platform. Praise the Lord, for I was saved.

  The reverend had come up to the attic and I dazzled him. I remembered my prayers well, and the hymns, and passages from the bible I’d learned off by heart. I picked wisely and reeled them off. I was pure, I was holy, I was saved.

  They let me out of the attic, dressed me up smart and took me to a church on the outskirts of town, showing me to the congregation, showing what the power of the Lord could achieve. Holy holy holy.

  Angel had been outside the house when we left. Margaret invited her to the church. ‘Your friend has been saved,’ she said.

  The whole service I stared at Angel. Everyone closed their eyes and bowed their heads in prayer but I stared at Angel. She unclasped her hands and looked up at me, turning her palm to face me. ‘I love you’ was scrawled across her hand. She held it there, as if in salute. At first I thought I’d choke just from wanting to go and touch her, to feel her fingers in mine. She winked at me and I smiled, I thought I’d start snorting with laughter, I thought I’d choke on misery and laughter, and I smiled. It was then I decided to gut the rabbits.

  *

  Old lady Taylor had herbs that would send you into a deep sleep. It was easy for me to get a hold of them and slip them in John and pretend parents’ dinner.

  Then I cut out the rabbit eyes and I sliced open their bellies. The house was still. The oil lamp flickered. I carried the rabbits upstairs and laid them across John. I pulled the guts out of the bellies and scattered them over his body. I placed the eyes on his eyelids. He didn’t stir.

  I left the house, picking up my bag and a shovel by the door. I went to the pig pen and Corporal Pig came trotting out. We walked through the town. The buildings looked unreal in the moonlight. John had told me Monsta’s remains were buried at the crossroads on the edge of town, and I saw the mound of earth next to the wall. I dug up Monsta, stuffing the broken pieces into my bag. I dumped the shovel and doubled-back into town.

  I climbed the fence into the Tremayne garden and threw stones at Angel’s window. Her washed-out face appeared then vanished, and there she was in front of me. I touched her face, and I held her.

  ‘I have to go,’ I said.

  She nodded, her lips pinched. Corporal Pig snuffled at her feet.

  ‘What’d they do to you?’

  I shrugged.

  ‘John told them I had a demon in me.’

  ‘That shit. He’ll suffer, I’ll make sure of it.’

  ‘I put rabbit guts on John. I said a lizard curse. He’ll stink of rabbit guts forever.’

  ‘Good,’ she said. She held my hand and we kissed. She tasted like the sea.

  ‘You could stay,’ she said. ‘With us. Ann and Bill will take you in, we can share a room—’

  ‘I can’t. Not after everything.’

  She couldn’t look at me. She scrunched up her face and stared over at the fields, up at the moon. She scuffed at the dirt.

  ‘I want to ask you to come but I’d only be taking you to bombs and ma… She won’t let you stay. I know she won’t.’

  ‘You shouldn’t be going back to that either.’

  ‘I don’t belong here.’

 
‘You belong with me.’

  ‘Always,’ I said, crying despite all my effort. I wiped at my face with my sleeve and said, ‘I’ll write you. About Queen Isabella, Amelia and Scholler. I’ll tell you about the bombs.’

  ‘And the lizard people.’

  ‘And the lizard people.’

  ‘You better,’ she said, frowning at me.

  ‘I will. Promise.’

  ‘Wait here,’ she said, and went back into the house. She emerged a moment later and pressed some coins into my hand and gave me a map.

  ‘Won’t they be mad? I don’t want you to get in trouble.’

  ‘I’ll be fine.’

  I put the map and coins in my bag.

  ‘I’ll give you my address,’ I said, taking her hand and writing across the back of it. ‘You can write to me while I’m travelling, so it arrives before I’m home. It’ll be like you’re there, waiting for me.’

  She didn’t say anything, just made a choking hiccup noise, kissed me, and ran off, disappearing into the house. I stared up at the house and she appeared at the window. The moonlight made her skin glow.

  Chapter 6

  Cornwall, February 1941

  We walked along the main road out of town, a skip in my step as I thought of John and those unholy bastards.

  ‘Holy, Holy, Holy!’ I sang. ‘Corporal Pig, sir! Those fools don’t know what holy is, but we do, we do, CP. All hail the lizards down below. Yes, sir!’

  I laughed, thinking of John waking up covered in rabbit insides. I jumped into the air, ‘Yee-hah! We’re on an adventure, CP!’ CP took fright and skittered off the road, half-falling into a bush.

  ‘Ah, CP, c’mon, c’mon. There’s a war on, CP. How are we supposed to win if you’re all dirty milky?’

  We stuck to the main road through the night, but took a sheltered route through the forest as dawn broke.

  ‘I’m sure they’re glad to see the back of me, CP. But you never know, you never know, and I’m not going back in that old attic, that’s for sure.’

  We were well past the outskirts of town and I marked on the map where I thought we were and plotted where we would be heading. Signs had been removed in case of a German invasion, which made finding our way more difficult. I didn’t have much of a plan past getting as far away as possible, and once we were far far away we would hitch lifts, hop on trains.

  ‘I’m tired out, CP. Some breakfast and a nap is what we need.’

  We walked deeper into the forest and settled down at the base of a tree. I rummaged in the bag for food, pushing aside the remains of Monsta. ‘We’ll fix you soon, Monsta,’ I said. ‘You’ll be good as new.’ I gave CP some feed and I had a slice of bread. CP fell asleep and I used him as a pillow, drifting off to the rhythm of his breath.

  *

  I had a nightmare. I was back in that attic, tied to the bed, unable to breathe as they tore Monsta apart. Angel was there and she was one of them.

  I woke to the gloaming. I felt sick, unable to shake the nightmare. Corporal Pig had wandered off and I panicked before I saw his pink bulk through the trees. I went to fetch him and found him snuffling amongst the undergrowth, gathering sticks for a nest. ‘I’ll need to tie you up, CP. You can’t go a-wandering. There’s beasts in the forest that will gobble you whole.’

  We set off again, trudging along, moving back to the main roads. The sun set in the west and I knew we more or less needed to head north-east, so on we went and I hoped for the best.

  *

  A week into the journey and our supplies were running low.

  ‘CP,’ I said. ‘If I die, if I starve to death, you can eat me.’

  ‘Why, Goblin,’ I said, putting on a hoity-toity voice I was sure CP would have if he could speak human, ‘why Goblin-runt-human-child, if I die you can eat me.’

  ‘Never, CP. Never.’

  ‘And I’d never eat you Goblin-runt-human-child. It’d be like sucking on a mummy’s corpse all decomposed and gnarled and rotten and skin and bone.’

  ‘Why thank you, Corporal, thank you very much. Eating you would be much the same. Look at you! Empty fatty folds hanging off your bones. A pig should be rotund, a pig should waddle, head held high as their humongous behind sways this way that way.’

  ‘Why, thank you very much, Goblin-runt-human-child. So what are we to do about it?’

  ‘A mission, CP. Into enemy territory.’

  That’s when I took the risk of leaving the forests and the fields and headed towards a small village. I tied CP to a tree. I didn’t want the villagers thinking they could eat him for their tea.

  ‘Look, CP,’ I said, ‘I need to go this mission alone, but there’s danger that lurks round every corner and if a monster or a tiger or a wolf or a fox tries to chew on your skinny bones you do just like you did back home and give ’em a kicking. Right? Just like you used to, CP. I’ll be mighty mad if I come back and you’re a bloody mess. Mighty mad.’

  *

  ‘Where’s your ration books?’

  ‘I lost them.’

  The old grocer man looked me up and down.

  ‘I don’t know you. You one of those refugees?’

  ‘Evacuee. I live with the Frys,’ I said, remembering a name on one of the doors I passed as I walked through the village.

  ‘The Frys didn’t take on any refugees.’

  ‘I can assure you, sir, they did. I am me, I am they, the refugee, evacuee. They took me in. The authorities, sir, said they must. “Don’t you know there’s a war on?” is what the authorities said, and the Frys they had to do their bit or be shamed.’

  ‘Well, I haven’t heard news of this. When’d you arrive?’

  ‘Sir,’ I said, ‘you have to help me out,’ I sidled up to him and lowered my voice. ‘The Frys are reluctant guardians, sir, poor parents to I am me the refugee evacuee. Poor parents indeed. But it’s a roof over my head and a bomb-free sky over that roof, so who am I to complain? No, sir, not one to complain. But they’ll give me a thrashing, sir—’

  ‘I doubt that, young lad. Unless you deserved it.’

  ‘Well, sir, you see, I lost the ration books.’

  ‘So you said.’

  ‘It takes an awful lot of time and fuss to sort that out, sir, and if I go back empty handed… well, you don’t want us to starve, sir. I’m sure you don’t.’

  He let out a snort.

  ‘They got themselves a right one in you, didn’t they? I can tell the likes of you. Weaving tales, spinning words into nets. One day you’ll get in trouble with that mouth, boy. Starving, indeed!’

  He shuffled over to the shelves, picking out various bags and tins.

  ‘The usual, then? I’ll be making a note of it, mind. I’m not getting in trouble on this one.’

  ‘Yes, sir, of course, sir.’

  I watched him and could see there was too much for me and Corporal Pig to carry, so I said, ‘Well, sir, why don’t you make it half the amount. We really don’t need all that, just a bit to tide us over ’til new ration books come in.’

  I smiled sweetly and nodded as he paused.

  ‘Just half?’

  ‘That’s right. That’ll tide us over.’

  I came away with a good supply that would keep CP and I going strong and I hurried past the Frys’ house with my loot, glancing nervously at their door as if they might sense I was off with half their rations.

  ‘There’s a war on,’ I said to CP, ‘and the Frys are just doing their bit for the thing I am, a refugee, evacuee, a holy holy holy escapee.’

  *

  Travelling by foot was taking its toll, feet all blistered, weight falling off me and the Corporal before we could put it back on with the rations. We were weary, me and CP, the spirit of adventure sucked out of us by the reality of day upon day upon day of trudging. The more miserable I felt, the more I thought of Angel, the more I wished I’d brought her with me. But I was just feeling sorry for myself – I knew it was selfish, I knew I couldn’t take her away from a home where she was car
ed for and subject her to my ma.

  I tried to keep spirits up by talking with CP, telling stories, singing songs. Less wary of humans now that I’d put a fair distance between us and the unholy bastards, I greeted fellow travellers on the road and trotted through villages head held high, CP kept close.

  ‘Which way to London, my fine man?’ and off we went, trudging, trudging.

  *

  Trucks went by in a succession of khaki and indistinguishable faces. I trotted after them.

  ‘Oi! You got room for a kid and a pig?’

  The faces came to life, laughing and sneering. One of the soldiers flicked his cigarette from one side of his mouth to the other and gave a squint smile.

  ‘Where you going, kid?’

  ‘London.’

  ‘Most kids go the other way.’

  ‘I’m going home.’

  ‘You running away?’

  ‘What’s it to you?’

  He laughed. ‘You got balls, kid. Throw us the pig.’

  I tried to lift Corporal Pig, floundering under his weight, even in his skin and bone state. He wriggled, all legs and flapping ears and snorting. I loped along, but couldn’t keep up. The soldiers gathered at the back of the truck to watch, cheering and whooping. A lit cigarette hit me in the face.

  ‘You sonsofbitches, you goddamn bastards I’ll bash you, I’ll bash the lot of you.’

  They cheered and the squintsmiler jumped out, grabbed CP, threw him on board, took a hold of me and threw me straight after CP, before jumping up like it was easy as pissing in a pot.

  There was chaos. CP was snorting and squealing, running round the truck in a panic beneath the soldiers’ feet. They kicked at him and he squealed some more and they laughed. I ran after CP but they grabbed at me, all hands. CP bit one of them and the soldier flicked out a knife and I went for him, bashing his face. He fell back and took the pummelling as his comrades dragged me off, yelling and foaming at the mouth.

  ‘Yerasorrybunchosonsobitches,’ I said. ‘Stay away from Corporal Pig, you shits.’

  ‘Corporal Pig! Corporal Pig!’ they chorused.

  ‘Leave the kid’s pig alone,’ said Squintsmiler, ‘It’s his only friend in the world. That right, boy?’