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Goblin

Page 18

by Ever Dundas


  ‘So you smeared it on your face?’ said Mad.

  I shrugged, looking from her to old Louise.

  ‘It seemed the thing to do,’ I said and stuffed the toast into my mouth.

  ‘How old are you now, G?’

  There was a pause as I chewed and old Louise said, ‘She’s a woman now.’

  I shook my head and said ‘Still a goblin. Always a goblin.’

  ‘A fourteen-year-old goblin?’ said Mad.

  I nodded.

  ‘You’re growing up so fast.’

  ‘Well,’ said Louise, ‘She might be growing up fast, but she’s got a thing or two to learn.’

  ‘Why’d you call it a curse?’ asked Mad.

  ‘That’s what ma said it was.’

  ‘It’s not, G. And it’s nothing to be ashamed of.’ She looked at me a moment, then laughed. ‘Though, I don’t think you have a problem with that,’ she said, gesturing to the stripes of blood across my cheeks. She offered me more toast and said, ‘What do you know about it?’

  ‘Not much. Ma said the blood makes babies.’

  ‘Is that all?’

  ‘Mostly,’ I said.

  ‘Do you know anything about sex?’

  ‘A bit. I’ve done some things with Adam.’

  ‘With Adam?’ Mad’s eyes widened. ‘What things?’

  ‘Just… You know, kissing.’

  ‘Is that all?’

  I nodded.

  ‘But how do you think the blood makes babies? How do you think that all works?’

  ‘Oh, please,’ said Louise, ‘are we getting all birds and the bees? It’s too early for this.’

  She stood up, shuffled over to the cupboard, pulled out a bottle of whisky and shuffled back to the table, grabbing two glasses on the way.

  ‘Is it not too early for that, Louise?’

  Old Louise ignored her and poured herself a glass. Mad placed her hand over the other glass and Louise snapped, ‘It’s not for you.’

  ‘Louise!’

  ‘It’s to take the edge off for the poor girl.’

  Louise poured the whisky and slammed the glass in front of me. Mad pursed her lips and shook her head at me.

  ‘I can see you, you know.’

  ‘She’s my daughter, Louise.’

  I was pleased that Mad called me her daughter.

  ‘You don’t have to drink that, G,’ said Mad, pouring me more tea.

  I sniffed the whisky, took a sip and screwed up my face.

  ‘So what do you know? What did your ma tell you?’

  ‘She just said babies came from the blood, so I thought that if you kept the blood in a jar and if you looked after it, kept it warm, a baby would grow, like a plant.’

  Louise slammed her hand on the table, making me jump, and cackled.

  ‘It’s silly,’ I said, blushing, looking from Mad to Louise and back. ‘I was just a kid.’

  Old Louise, slowing down to a chuckle, nodded at my whisky and said, ‘Knock that back, child. You’re going to need it.’

  I did as Louise said, feeling it burn my tongue and throat and warm my belly. Mad whisked away my glass as old Louise tried to pour more. She lit a cigarette and said, ‘I think that’s kind of beautiful. Growing a baby in a jar of blood.’

  ‘It’s morbid is what it is,’ said old Louise.

  ‘I like it,’ said Mad. ‘It would make a good story.’

  She got up and went to the stove to make more tea. When she sat down she explained it all to me. I’d pieced some of it together already but now it all made sense, no gaps for my imagination to fill. Mad even showed me how to use a condom and I was relieved I didn’t have to have children. I didn’t want them, ever.

  ‘You might change your mind,’ Mad said.

  ‘I won’t,’ I said.

  ‘Children are only trouble,’ said old Louise.

  Mad rolled her eyes at her.

  ‘If there’s anything you need, G,’ said Mad, ‘if you need to talk about anything, you come to me, okay?’

  ‘Okay,’ I said.

  She stubbed out a cigarette and said, ‘So you gonna wear your blood every month?’

  I smiled and said, ‘It’ll be the new fashion.’ I struck a pose, head tilted, hand under my chin. ‘I’ll be on the cover of Vogue. Lee Miller will take my picture.’

  Mad laughed and old Louise grunted, frowning at me.

  ‘You’ve got a lot to learn, child,’ said old Louise.

  ‘You said I was a woman.’

  She shook her head dismissively.

  ‘Better get on,’ said Mad, standing up, ‘my shift starts soon.’

  She squeezed my shoulder as she walked past and suddenly it was just me and old Louise.

  ‘You gonna wash that muck of your face?’

  ‘It’s not muck.’

  ‘If you want to be a woman you need to act more ladylike.’

  ‘I don’t want to be a woman. I’m Goblin.’

  ‘That so?’

  ‘Through and through.’

  ‘Mad and James have their work cut out with you, that’s for certain.’

  ‘Old Louise?’

  ‘Enough with the “old”.’

  ‘Miss Louise, what happens if I like girls as well?’

  ‘As well?’

  ‘As well as boys.’

  ‘You can’t like both.’

  ‘But I do like both,’ I said.

  ‘You can’t. You’ll find that out soon enough.’

  She pushed her chair back and stood up, taking the bottle of whisky with her. As she went to the door she turned back to me.

  ‘You be careful,’ she said, wagging her finger at me. ‘You be careful who you talk to about things like that.’

  *

  When James and any of the other men came back from leave there’d be a party. It would start off small but soon everyone would gather and the party could last for days. James let me drink beer. I remember the adverts in the papers: ‘Guinness Is Good for You’ with a smiley face on the beer foam. I liked the foam moustache it gave me. I liked the dreamy feeling and it wasn’t as harsh as whisky. James wasn’t so impressed when I had my first cigarette, though. I hung around with the clowns a lot, bugging them for stories, asking them to show me some of their routines, but when Marv gave me a cigarette James banned me from going near them anymore.

  It wasn’t just the circus crowd who came to the parties; there were writers, actors, singers and hangers-on. One of the hangers-on was some lord or other who was a patron of the circus. He’d come to the parties with his wife and he’d usually get thrown out for something. His wife would get drunk and follow me around, trying to fix me, telling me I was beautiful but, ‘You should use make-up, brush your hair and wear a dress that fits for godsake.’ I didn’t know if I was beautiful or not and I didn’t care either way and I told her that.

  ‘You should, little Goblin. People love you if you’re beautiful and you need to save all that love for when the beauty is gone.’

  When I managed to shake her I came across Lord whatshisname kissing Betsy on the kitchen counter, his penis dangling out of his pants as he slobbered over her and told her how much he loved dwarves. Betsy just cackled and poured beer over his head. I felt bad for his wife after that but I didn’t want to be her personal little Goblin to do up all pretty like a doll, so I avoided her if I could, even if I felt a bit bad about it.

  Captain Flint loved the parties – he would perch on a lamp, observing, joining in any singing with some squawking while Groo slinked around looking for someone to sit on. Most of the animals wouldn’t fit into the small flat and there was no garden so I spoke to Mad and James about rehoming the animals that weren’t part of my immediate family. I’d cut down on my rescuing because I couldn’t take any more creatures, but I still had three dogs, five cats and a rabbit, as well as Billy Bones, Dr Kemp, Groo and Captain Flint. I’d said the chickens had to stay but I knew I was being selfish what with there being no garden for them to rummage in and have d
ust baths. Mad and James said I should at least go and inspect Colin’s place to see if they’d be happy there. Colin had looked after a lot of the animals in the circus, so he was sure to take care of them, but I was still all reluctant. I went round with my nose stuck up in the air as if his place wasn’t any good at all, but the house and garden were big and I could see how happy the chickens would be. I questioned Colin like I’d questioned all of my neighbours but it was no good, he was perfect. I could tell he’d care for those chickens but I just said all haughty, ‘We’ll think about it.’

  I gave him three of the cats and one of the dogs. I hadn’t been as close to them, so I didn’t mind as much as I would if he was to take my chicken crew. We rehomed the others no bother with more of Mad and James’ friends. I eventually gave in on giving away the chickens when they pooped and scratched all over the flat and started pecking at each other, both showing off ugly bare arses.

  I got on with Colin. He didn’t say much, but he seemed interested in my stories and he was really good with all the animals, I could see that. He was only a few streets away so I visited all the time. I showed him the tricks I’d trained the chickens to do and he was impressed, saying I could help out when the circus started up again. I was proud as anything at that. He spoiled those chickens rotten and Dr Kemp lived to a ripe old age. But Billy Bones died in early ’44. I buried Billy in Colin’s garden and we had a funeral, just me, Colin and Dr Kemp.

  It was just as well Billy Bones wasn’t around on 6 June ’44. He hated the sound of planes and would start plucking out his own feathers. ‘You stupid chicken,’ I’d say. ‘Nobody wants to see that pink skin of yours. You peck yourself anymore and I’ll put you straight in the oven.’ But he wasn’t there for me to tell off. I thought of him, though, as the planes roared overhead.

  ‘We’re going to destroy those Nazi bastards,’ said old Louise, who was curled up on the couch under her tattered fur coat. ‘Do you hear it? That’s the sound of victory.’ She sat up and swayed gently, humming along to the sound of the planes, humming along to the sound of victory and destruction.

  There’d been a small party the night before and people had stayed behind; old Louise slept on the couch, Adeline and Ariadne shared Mad’s bed, an old man I didn’t know was on the floor in the sitting room, Betsy was in the bath using her coat as a blanket, and Adam had slept in my bed. LK was snoring away on his camp bed behind the couch; he’d moved in with me when James and Mad took me in and he never did much of anything other than drink and gossip with Potato Pete. He was oblivious to the roar of the planes, but everyone else had been woken by the noise and knew something was up. We had breakfast huddled round the wireless waiting for any news. When the news came that our troops had landed in Normandy, Mad sat nodding as everyone cheered and old Louise started up on the national anthem. LK’s head bobbed up from behind the couch, grumbling at us to shut the hell up and get out of his bedroom but we hushed him and turned up the wireless. We didn’t know if James was involved. He wasn’t able to tell us where he was going to be stationed last time he left. We’d had a few letters, but they were all brief and he wasn’t allowed to write much about the war.

  Mad wandered off and came back with a bottle of sherry, doling it out to everyone. She gave me some too and I sipped it. She sat on James’ chair, still in her nightdress, everyone else crumpled in yesterday’s clothes, all of them bleary-eyed but with a glimmer of alert expectation.

  People came and went throughout the day and by the evening the flat was packed with people, drinking and singing. I sat with a small group listening to the king on the wireless: ‘…none of us is too busy, too young, or too old, to play a part in the nation-wide vigil of prayer as the great crusade sets forth.’ I prayed. I prayed like mad. O lizards down below I beseech thee, may the German bastards be destroyed, Holy Holy Holy, Amen.

  *

  James came back poisoned. A wound had become infected.

  ‘He was lucky to survive,’ Mad said.

  He was poisoned in other ways, I thought. He wouldn’t speak to me anymore. If I got under his feet, he’d snap at me. He was only on leave three days and him and Mad holed up in their room. I could hear them. LK would just look at me and roll his eyes and put a record on to drown them out. I listened at their door and got a clip round the ear from LK. ‘Ya dirty weecunt,’ he said, and dragged me away.

  I was reading in the kitchen when Mad came out in her silk nightdress, her hair all a mess. I stared at her heavy breasts, the curve of her hips and her rippling muscles as she rummaged around the kitchen. She spent the mornings exercising to keep her pre-war circus fitness then spent the day hauling heavy equipment at the factory. Her thighs were solid muscle. Her body made me feel secure. I thought she was invincible. She rifled through the kitchen, a cigarette dangling from her lips, bouncing up and down as she mumbled to herself. She piled food onto plates, and shoved a beer under her arm, staggering back through with it all. The bottle slipped and rolled on the floor.

  ‘Hey, G, get that will you?’

  I scurried after her. James was lying naked on the bed. I stared at him, putting the beer on the table. I stood, uncertain, just looking at his body. His penis was like a strange creature nestled amongst the dark hair that spread up to his belly button in a thin line. He was covered in fading bruises. The wound on his leg was still an angry red. I watched his muscles flex as he reached for the beer. He didn’t look at me. It was as if I wasn’t there. Mad dropped all the food in a heap on the table. He pulled her into bed and she half fell, half sat on top of him. She slid off him and curled up by his side, his arm around her. They shared the beer.

  ‘Alright, Goblin,’ she said, realising I was still there. ‘Thanks.’

  She gestured to the door and I left.

  There were sudden outbreaks of yelling, something I’d never witnessed between them before. They’d tease each other, but never fight. This was new. LK shrugged as we heard furniture being upturned. James came out and a beer bottle came after him, just missing his head and smashing on the wall. He didn’t even flinch. Groo scurried away, hiding under the table, and Captain Flint shrieked and didn’t stop. James threw his clothes on, lit a cigarette, grabbed his jacket and left, leaving me to calm Flint and comfort Groo. James came back in the middle of the night and I couldn’t sleep for the noise of them making up. In the morning he was gone and the house was quiet again.

  I used to miss him when he left. It was a horrible ache that brought back nightmares about Devil, but this time I didn’t have nightmares. I didn’t miss him at all. It was as if he’d never been.

  ‘He’s poisoned,’ I said.

  ‘There’s nothing wrong with him,’ Mad said. ‘Everything’s going to be alright.’

  When he came home next time, it was for good. He’d lost half of his left arm. He didn’t speak to me, Mad, or the Lizard King. Mad and James didn’t make love or fight. He was just silent. He drank his beer and smoked his cigarettes.

  ‘He’s going to be alright,’ Mad said.

  *

  There was a small gathering in the sitting room; Colin, LK, Potato Pete and a few others. I was playing poker in the kitchen with Adam and the brass band dwarves when we heard a V1 buzzbomb. The V1 rockets got under your skin, a creeping fear. That moment you heard the buzzbomb buzz, you’d feel sick and pray to the lizards below it wasn’t you it got. The V2s were different – they were silent and you didn’t hear them until they hit and I decided that was better than the V1 fear.

  When we heard the buzz we all froze, gripping the cards in our hands, silent, waiting. The buzz stopped, we counted, and I prayed like crazy to the lizards. When it hit, we dropped our cards, running outside. Four doors up, a building had been obliterated, now existing only as rubble, dust and flames. Smoke rolled down the street in slow motion waves. We pressed ourselves into doorways, holding handkerchiefs to our mouths. It rolled on by, like a monster in search of prey.

  We formed a line, dousing the flames with the water
from the tanks. Neighbours scrambled amongst the rubble, looking for survivors and pulling out bodies, parts of bodies, some crushed or charred, others looking like they were sleeping. We laid them out in the street and put sheets over them. As I stared down at the sheets, Mad grabbed me.

  ‘You shouldn’t be here,’ she said, ‘Get back to the flat.’

  ‘I’m helping.’

  ‘You don’t need to see this. Get back home.’

  ‘I’ve seen worse.’

  She looked at me for a moment and said, ‘Goblin, you go home. Now.’

  I didn’t argue. I went back to the flat to wait for them and found James sitting in the dark. All I saw was the light from his cigarette and my stomach tightened. When I turned the light on he said, ‘Turn it off.’

  I turned it off and said, ‘I thought you were a demon.’

  He didn’t say anything.

  I made my way to him in the dark and curled up next to him on the couch, my feet touching his thigh. I lay there, staring at the crackling light of the cigarette, drifting off to sleep.

  When they returned to the flat it was close to dawn and everyone was blackened with dirt and dust and blood, stinking of smoke. James was gone, probably back in his room. He spent most of the day in there when Mad was at work.

  A few people gathered in the sitting room, listening to a record, nursing a beer. I heard squealing and swearing coming from the bathroom so I went to see what was going on. The brass band dwarves, Adam, Adeline and Ariadne were all piled into the bath, yelling and splashing. Maisie looked on, disgusted. She reminded them of water rationing and poured her beer over them. There was more swearing and a scramble to get out of the bath, bodies falling to the floor, a scrummage for the towel. I helped Adam out of the bath and took him to my room, giving him some fresh clothes. I turned my back when he took off his wet clothes and he asked me, ‘Why so shy?’

  I turned and saw he was lying naked on my bed, as beautiful as I’d imagined. I went over to him and traced my finger over his body as if I was painting him. I ran my finger across his chest, down his stomach, down down down. I stopped and curled his hair around my finger. I watched his cock harden.

 

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