Once in a Lifetime

by Steel, Danielle

  "I'm sure I would."

  "She loves your books. Wait till I tell her I met Daphne blushed then, it seemed so silly, a woman who had conquered so much, impressed with Daphne's meager works of fiction. It made Daphne feel very small in comparison. "I'd like to meet her too."

  "You will. She'll be coming up here, and Mrs. Curtis tells me that you come up here pretty often."

  Daphne looked suddenly troubled and he searched her eyes. "I do ... I did ..." She sighed softly, and he waved toward two chairs in a corner.

  "Do you want to sit down, Miss Fields?" They had been standing in the hallway for almost half an hour, and she nodded as they walked toward the chairs.

  "Please call me Daphne."

  "I will, if you call me Matt."

  She smiled and they sat down.

  "Something tells me that you have a problem. Is there anything I can do to help?"

  "I don't know. Mrs. Curtis and I talked about it last night."

  "Is it something to do with Andrew?"

  She nodded. "Yes. I've just had an offer to make a movie in Hollywood. It means moving out there for a year."

  "And you're taking him with you?" He looked suddenly disappointed but she shook her head.

  "No, I really think I ought to leave him here. But that's the problem. He'll hardly ever see me ... I don't know if he could handle it, or more honestly, if I could. ..." She looked up at him then, her enormous blue eyes reaching out to his brown. "I just don't know what to do."

  "That's a tough one. For you, not so much for Andrew. He'd adjust." And then gently, "I'd help him. We all would. He might be angry for a little while, but he'd understand. And I'm going to keep them all pretty busy this year. I want to take a lot of field trips with them, get them back out into the world as much as possible. They're a little isolated here." She nodded. He was right. "What about having him fly out to see you during vacations?"

  "Do you think he could do that?"

  "With the right preparation. You know, eventually tha's the kind of life you'd want him to lead. You want him to be able to get on planes, to go places, to be independent, to see more of the world than just this."

  She nodded slowly. "But he's so young."

  "Daphne, he's seven. If he were a hearing child, you wouldn't hesitate to have him put on a plane, would you? Why treat him any differently? He's a very bright little boy." As she listened to him she felt relief begin to flood over her, and walls she had built around Andrew in her mind slowly began to fall. "And not only that but. it's important for him that you're happy, that he see you leading a full life. You can't cling to him forever." There was no reproach in his voice, only gentleness and understanding. "You're no more than seven or eight hours away at any given moment. If we have a problem, we'll call you and you hop on a plane to Boston. I'll even pick you up at the airport, and in two hours you're here. It's hardly farther than New York if you look at it that way." He had a marvelous way of solving problems, finding solutions, and making everything seem so simple. She could easily understand now how he had taken his sister out of her school and run off with her to Mexico. She smiled at the idea.

  "You make it all sound so easy."

  "It can be. For you and Andrew, if you let it. What you have to base your decision on is what you want to do. One day he'll have to make decisions for himself too. Independent decisions, decisions to be free and strong and make choices for himself, not you. Teach him that early. Do you want to make a movie? Do you want to go to Hollywood for a year? Those are the issues. Not Andrew. You don't want to give up an important part of your life for him. Opportunities like that don't come along that often, or maybe they do for you. But if it's important to you, if it's what you want, then do it. Tell him, let him adjust to it. I'll help you." And she knew he would.

  "I'll have to think it over."

  "Do that, and we can talk about it again tomorrow. You'll have to brace yourself for a little anger from Andrew most likely. But you'd get that from any kid his age if you told him you were going away. Know that the anger and the reaction are normal. Being a parent isn't always easy." He smiled at her again. "I see what my sister has been through. She had twins also. Her girls are fourteen now. And if you think a seven-year-old boy is rough, you should try doubles that age, and girls!" He rolled his eyes. "I'd never survive it!" "You don't have children of your own?" "No." He looked sorry. "Except for the hundred and forty-six I'm leaving at the New York School with Martha, my sister. My wife never really wanted children. She was not a hearing person"--Daphne nodded, accustomed to what would have been to someone else an unfamiliar term--"and she was very different from my sister. She was terrified her own children wouldn't hear. She had a lot of hang-ups about her deafness. In the end"--he looked regretful-- "it's what did us in. She was a model in New York, and an incredibly bright girl. I had tutored her for a while, that's how I met her. But her parents always treated her like a china doll, and she hadn't had a crazy brother like me when she was growing up. She retreated into her deafness. She's a perfect example of why you shouldn't treat Andrew any differently than any other child. Don't do that to him, Daphne. If you do, you'll rob him of everything that will ever matter to him." They sat quietly for a moment, each with his own thoughts. He had given her a lot to think about in the last hour. He had shared an important part of his life with her, and she knew she had made a friend.

  "I think you're right, Matt. But it scares the hell out of me to leave him."

  "There are lots of things in life that are scary. All the good stuff usually is. Think of all the good things you've done in your life. How much of it was easy? Probably none of it was, but it was always worth the struggle, I'll bet. And I would imagine that making a movie is an important step in your career. Which book is it, by the way?"

  "Apache." She smiled at him, proud of herself and suddenly not ashamed to let him see it.

  "That's my favorite."

  "Mine too."

  And then, picking up his stack of papers, he stood up. "Are you staying for dinner?" She nodded. "I'll join you for coffee afterward. I'm going to take a sandwich upstairs in the meantime, so I can do my homework." She thought again of what he had said. The good things in life weren't easy. They hadn't been for either of them.

  "I'll see you later, Matt." They parted company at the staircase and she watched him for a moment. Sensing it, he looked down at her as she looked up. "And thank you."

  "Any time. You'll always get the truth from me, Daphne, about what I think and what I feel. Remember that when you're in California. I'll tell you how he is, and if he needs you I'll tell you. You can fly home, or I'll put him on the next plane." She nodded, and he waved to her and then disappeared onto the upstairs landing. It seemed strange to her that he seemed to assume she was going. Had he read her mind? How could he know her decision before she did? Or was that what she had already secretly decided, and longed for. She wasn't sure as she went into the big playroom to find Andrew. And as she saw him she felt her heart sink. How could she leave him? He was so little and so dear.

  But that night as she lay in bed at the inn she thought about it all again, pulled one way and then the other, by duty, obligation, love on one side, and fascination, curiosity, ambition, career on the other. It was a tough choice, and then suddenly the phone rang and it was Matthew. She was startled to hear him and wondered instantly if something was wrong.

  "Of course not. If it were something like that, Mrs. Curtis would call you. I'm not official yet, you know, at least not for a few more weeks. I was just thinking about your decision, and I had a crazy thought. If you get too tied up in Los Angeles at some point and you can't have him out to visit, I could take him home to stay with my sister and her kids. You'd have to give us special permission of course, but he might enjoy it. My sister is really quite something and her girls are terrific. How does that strike you?"

  "I don't know what to say to you, Matthew. I'm overwhelmed."

  "Don't be. Last year I had forty-three of o
ur students at my place for Christmas dinner. Martha cooked and her husband coached touch football in the park. It was super." She wanted to tell him that she thought he was, but she didn't dare.

  "I don't know how to thank you."

  "Don't. Just trust me with Andrew."

  She was silent for a moment, it was late, and he had been very open with her. She wanted to do the same with him. "Matt, it's hard for me to leave him ... he's all I've got."

  "I know that. Or at least, I suspected it." His voice was very soft. "He'll be all right, and so will you." And as she listened to him she knew that, and the decision was finally made.

  "I think I'm going to do it."

  "I think you should." It made it easier for her that he said that, and it suddenly seemed amazing that she had only met him that morning and already she had come to rely on his judgment, and trust him with her son. "When you go back to New York, I'll introduce you to my sister. Maybe you'd like to come to the school next week to meet her, if you have time."

  "I'll make time."

  "Great. I'll see you in the morning. And congratulations."

  "For what?"

  "For making a tough decision. Besides, I have a selfish motive in all this. I want to see my favorite book made into a movie." She laughed then and they hung up, and that night she slept peacefully at last.

  "I know it seems like a long time, sweetheart, but you can come out to see me during vacations, and we can do fun things in California, and I promise I'll fly back ..." She was signing desperately, but Andrew refused to watch her. His eyes were awash with tears. "Andrew ... darling ... please...." Her eyes filled too as she sat in the garden with him, fighting to keep from clutching him to her and sobbing. He stood with his back to her, his shoulders hunched over and shaking, his head bent, and when she gently pulled him toward her, he made terrible little gurgling sounds and her heart tore in half. "Oh, Andrew ... sweetheart ... I'm so sorry." Oh, God, she couldn't do it. She couldn't, not to him. "He'll adjust," they said. Christ, it was like adjusting to double amputation, and why should he have to do that? Just because she wanted to make a film. She felt rotten and selfish as she sat beside him, hating herself for the decision she had made and what it was obviously doing to him. She couldn't do this to her child. He needed her too badly. After all... She tried to put her arms around him and he wouldn't let her, and she stood there in despair looking at him as Matthew Dane came outside. He watched them for a moment, saying nothing, and from the look on Andrew's face he knew instantly that she had told him. He walked slowly over to them, and looked at Daphne with a gentle smile.

  "He'll be all right in a little while, Daphne. Remember what I told you. You'd have had this kind of reaction from any child, even a hearing one."

  "But he isn't a hearing child." Her eyes blazed at him and her voice was sharp. "He's special." She wanted to add "dammit," but she didn't. She felt certain that he had misjudged the situation, he had given her bad advice about her son and she had let him. She was wrong to even consider going out west for a year. But Matt didn't look swayed from his earlier opinion, even now.

  "Of course he's special, all children are. Special is all right, different isn't. What you're saying is that he's different. You don't have to cater to his handicap, Daphne. That won't help him. Any seven-year-old child would be upset by his mother going away. That's normal. Other parents have situations their children have to adjust to, siblings, divorces, deaths, moves, financial problems. You can't create a perfect world for him forever. It would be impossible for you to live up to, and in the end it would hurt him. Besides, can you really live up to that? Do you want to?"

  She wanted to shout at him, he didn't understand anything, least of all her responsibilities to her child. He watched her eyes and knew what she was thinking, and he smiled.

  "It's all right, go ahead, hate me. But I'm right. If you stick to your guns for a little while, he'll be okay." They both saw then that Andrew was watching them, lip-reading, and Daphne turned toward her son with sorrow in her eyes. This time she spoke to him as well as signing.

  "I'm not happy about going either, sweetheart. But I think it's important for me to do this. I want to go to Hollywood to make a movie out of one of my books."

  "Why?" He signed the word.

  "Because it would be exciting, and it would help my work." How do you explain lifetime career goals to a seven-year-old child? "I promise you could come out to see me, and I'd come back here. I wouldn't see you every week, but it won't be forever...." Her voice drifted off and there was a distant spark of interest in his eyes.

  "Could I come on an airplane?"

  She nodded. "Yes. A great big one." This seemed to spark some further interest, and then he looked down and kicked the ground. When he looked up again, Daphne wasn't sure what he was thinking, but he looked less devastated than he had earlier.

  "Could we go to Disneyland?"

  "Yes." Daphne smiled. "We could do a lot of other things too, you could watch them make the movie when you visit." And then, suddenly, she knelt beside him and took him in her arms for a moment before moving back so he could see her lips again. "Oh, Andrew, I will miss you so much. I love you with all my heart, and as soon as I finish my work in California, I'll come back and stay here, I promise. And Mr. Dane says that he'll take you to New York to visit his sister and her children ... maybe if we both keep as busy as we can, and learn as much as we can, the time will go very quickly. ..." She wanted it to, she wanted it to be over right now. In her heart of hearts she didn't want to leave him, but she knew she had to. For herself. It was the first time in many years that she was doing something she knew she wanted to very badly, even though it wasn't easy, and suddenly she thought of all that Matt had said the night before. The good things in life weren't easy, for either her or Andrew. Something in Andrew's face told her then that even though he didn't like her going, he'd be all right. "Andrew ... do you know how much I love you?" She watched him, wondering if he'd remember the game they'd played so often when he was younger.

  "How much?" He signed it at her and her eyes shone with unshed tears. He did remember after all.

  "As much as this." She threw her arms wide and then threw them around him, and then whispered into his hair, "As much as my whole life."

  Matthew left them to each other and they spent a quiet hour together, talking about things that were important to Andrew, about her trip, and how soon she would come back. She told him that she wouldn't be leaving for another month, and she'd come to visit often in the meantime, and then they talked about when he would come to California, the things they'd do, and what it would be like.

  "Will you write to me?" His eyes turned to hers sadly, and her heart ached again. He was still so little and California seemed as though it were on another planet.

  "Yes. I promise I'll write every day. Will you write to me?"

  But this time he grinned at her. "I'll try to remember." He was teasing and her heart felt lighter.

  When she got back to New York that night, she felt as though she had climbed a mountain. She unpacked her suitcase and walked around her apartment, and at last her thoughts turned from Andrew as she looked out the window at the brilliant lights of Manhattan. She was suddenly excited about what she was doing, and for the first time in three days the reality of it came home to her. She was going to California to make a movie of Apachel And suddenly she stood there, smiling to herself and laughing ... it was happening! She had really made it. "Hallelujah!" she whispered softly, and then she walked into her bedroom, climbed into the bed, and turned off the lights.

  "Well, kiddo," Daphne smiled at Barbara as she came through the door the next morning. "Hang on to your hat."

  "What's up?"

  "We're going."

  Barbara looked startled. "Where?"

  "To California, dummy."

  "You're going to do it, Daff?" Barbara looked nothing less than astounded. I am.

  "What about Andrew?" She hated to ask, but she had to
.

  "I told him this weekend, and he wasn't too pleased at first, but I think we'll both survive it." She told her then about all that Mrs. Curtis had said, and about the new director at the school. "I'm going to have Andrew fly out to see me, and I'll come back whenever I can. And Matthew says he'll bring him to New York, to visit the New York School and see his sister...." Her voice trailed off with a gust of laughter at the look of confusion on Barbara's face. "He's the new director up at Howarth."

  "Matthew? How friendly!" Barbara's eyes were teasing. "Do I sense the presence of an attractive man?"

  "Very attractive, as a friend, Miss Jarvis, nothing more, I assure you."

  "Bullshit. You just quoted him like God, and he's bringing Andrew down to see his sister? Hell, you've never even let me meet the kid for chrissake and you're trusting him to a stranger? This guy must be pretty terrific, Daff, or you wouldn't let him do that."

  "You're right, he is terrific, and he's the smartest human being I've ever known about the hard-of-hearing, but that doesn't mean I'm interested in him as a man for chrissake." She was still laughing.

  "Why not? Is he ugly?"

  "No." She was still chuckling. "As a matter of fact he's very handsome. But that's not the point. Let's talk about us."

  "Us?" Barbara looked confused again. Everything was topsy-turvy this morning.

  "I want you to come with me."

  "Are you kidding?" She sat down with a load of fan mail in her arms. "What would I do there?"

  "Run my life, the way you do here." Daphne smiled.

  "Is that what I do?" Barbara returned the smile. "Run your life? I figured I had to be good for something other than answering fan mail."

  "You know damn well you are." She knew that she was invaluable to Daphne and it meant a lot to her. And she never forgot that it was Daphne who had helped to free her from her old life. "Now, will you come with me?"

  "When do I pack? Is tomorrow soon enough?" She Was beaming and Daphne laughed at her.

  "I think you can wait a couple of weeks for that. First, we're going to have to get organized here, and I want you to come to Iris McCarthy's with me this afternoon, so you can hear what it's all about when I do. I think we leave next month sometime. That ought to give us plenty of time to get everything wrapped up."